Mr Wonderings
Thanks for your post. Who knows what the future will bring, all I can say is 2006 has got to be better than 2005, I don't think it could have gotten worse than that. The weather - not such a highlight at the moment, although having a bit of snow was a novelity and DD enjoyed it. On a positive note, the shortest day has been and gone, so summer is getting closer and closer!

We had a great christmas with friends, DD was more into presents than I thought she was going to be. She managed to pinch some dangling chocolates off the christmas tree and that was breakfast thanks very much Mum.

XWBF came on the Friday before Christmas to see DD and do the present thing with her. He said his plans for Christmas day were flexible but when it came to the crunch they weren't. I must say I was a little annoyed with him, he didn't ring DD on Christmas day to speak to her and only made contact on 27 Dec via text message to say he would be coming by. I think this is not right, but then I think he did spend Christmas with OW family, so it must have been hard to excuse himself to make a phone call or send a text message - NOT!

He has phoned today to ask if he can see DD tomorrow (Saturday) not Sunday as for obvious reasons tomorrow night is New Years Eve and he doesn't want to get up early on Sunday morning or possibly disrupt his New Years Eves celebration plans to come and see DD. I haven't replied yet, but am going to tell him it is Sunday or nothing. I haven't made plans for Sunday because it is his time with DD, but have things planned on Saturday and am not going to change them to suit XWBF social life. Can't see anything wrong with this.

Well that is the update. Hope you all have a fantastic New Year. Roll on in 2006!

Just got a text reply from XWBF, to say he will skip seeing DD this Sunday, and will contact me early next week. Arrgh this is just pants and I am venting here, Sunday is his time with DD, but social life and OW are more important, what a [censored]!

Join the crowd here. There are more than a few folks whose WS won't be seeing their children - after all, what's more important, your family or New Year's Eve?

NZGirl,

Glad to hear Christmas was fun. You get a renewal on enjoying Christmas when you have kids. My highlight was my 8 year old son screaming “unbelievable! You two are the best parents EVER” when opening his gift. From him I got a clay seal he made at school. Has already earned a place of honor at my desk.

Regarding XBF. Don’t expect anything from him. If you want to pull his chain send him an e-mail stating something like “Just wanted to confirm what you said in your text message about not seeing DD on Sunday. So she should not be expecting you?”

The purpose of this e-mail is twofold: one for some documentation IF he tries some custody stunts later and two: just to piss him off.

Use 2006 to distance yourself from XBF. You can’t make him come back. If he does then let it be on your terms, not your compromises.

Hi Bigger
Yes Christmas does have a new meaning now with DD.

I just texted him back a reply saying 'good to see you have your priorities sorted!' He just phoned asking the meaning, which I said I thought was obvious, he said I am just trying to sort out other arrangements because it is New Years day, yes I said, Sunday is your day and you can't make the time to see DD because you will have a hangover, poor DD will have to miss out! On Christmas Day you can't even ring to speak to DD. either.. he hung up!

Probably shouldn't have vented like that to him, but boy does he deserve it.

Bigger, he doesn't reply to my emails often so it is pointless in sending them with the intention of getting something in writing.

What you have to focus on right now is breaking away. Maybe a Plan B would be in order?

At the moment your XBF has too much input on your life. Start putting distance between him and you. One thing is to stop being too accommodating to him as a father. Having said that – in 6 months time you will be going home (crappy timing – from English summer to NZ winter!) and possibly by establishing firm rules for him to see DD there will be some chance for him to demand more custody. At the moment each time he misses a date is strengthening your case.

It’s also a mental game. From now on each time he does not keep his word I want you to think: “Lucky me – I nearly married this guy. That would have been a mistake”.

I have been distancing myself from him, I leave it up to him to make contact re DD, I don't phone him at all.

I am reluctant about doing a plan b, the reason being XWBF may bring DD into contact with OW, even though we have a written agreement that this happen without POJA from both of us. How do you trust a compulsive liar! You can't

I do count myself lucky that I am not married to him, life would have been one big uneasy place, not knowing if I was coming or going.

The funny thing that happened the other day, when XWBF came to see DD on Friday last week, we went to a restaurant for dinner, and my purse got stolen which is annoying, but the comment he made was - these people that steal have no morals, no one is out of bounds, here were 2 people with their DD and they stole your purse. I was thinking, who are you to comment on morals you really don't have any yourself, but it is interesting to see that from his point of view what he has done he doesn't admit to himself or anyone else admit as being wrong!

I did fail in the mental game today, but will be better next time, I won't speak to him if he calls, voice messages will be easier to cope with.

Thanks again Bigger.

Hi

Things have been going well, XWBF has just visited, not planned and told me that things are tough at the moment and that he can't pay DD daycare costs. Told him this is not my problem. Told him that in the past things have been tough for me and that I have had to borrow money off family and friends, and suggested that he looks to these resources himself, instead of coming to me.

Also told him that he created this situation I didn't want it, and that now that he is living with OW she is his partner that they should be supporting each other, I shouldn't be his 1st port of call for financial help. Told me OW has nothing to do with this and it isn't like that. GRRRR Why does he think that I should fit more of the financial costs for DD.

I mean in the last 6 months he has been to China and Australia with OW on holiday and now I am meant to feel sorry for him. Told me if he has to keep paying, that in 3 months time he will have nothing and will have to leave the country. Told him, we will deal with that if and when it comes. I said, I think that he wants to reduce what he pays for DD but doesn't actually want to say that, he denied this.

Any thoughts?

Hi NZ,

I wonder if this is typical. At first, to justify leaving, they make all sorts of commitments. Will pay this and that; take the kid every weekend and so on. Then when their new “family” starts making demands being noble is no longer a big issue. The need to justify is replaced by the need to gratify the new “family”.

Anyway. Monitor the bills XBF pays. If he does not make payment send him a short e-mail. Polite and to the point. Just “I just want to remind you about this bill. It is past due”. Nothing more.

Chances are he will reply and remind you about the conversation you had. If not send him a firmer reminder if the bill is still unpaid 3 days later. Possibly with a cc to your lawyer.

I am afraid if he has no intention of paying he won’t. The purpose of these e-mails is more as ammo if he tries again to prevent you from leaving. He will have a hard time in court trying to get custody if he can’t afford even to be a part-time dad.

My WH has reneged on all of his financial agreements, and never paid me anything. He says he would like to, but can't afford it. He and OW do a lot of traveling and eating out, and other activities.

Did you ever get a legal agreement?

Hi Bigger

Research shows that after a year contact with child from a non-resident usually starts to diminish. XWBF has been ok with contact, it is now the money side which is starting to bite him. I have no sympathy for him, he created this situation and agreed to pay half of DD daycare costs. On the money front he has been quite good, paying more that what is legally required, but again, he agreed to this, I did ask him at the time if he was sure, he said yes. But you are probably right they agree to anything at the time because all they are focussed on is the other person and themselves. Now reality is starting to appear!

I will monitor the bills as suggested and send the emails as well.
Thanks

Believer

Sorry to hear your WH has not been supportive at all financially, really is a case of no responsibility and self gratifying behaviour!

I did get the legal agreement, looking back I think he was probably hoping that I would be leaving the UK, it would cut the costs down to him. His financial situation is his responsibility, and he has had many opportunities to save money, but has choosen to have many holidays and months off over the past 4 years, and now he wants me to bail him out becasue he hasn't saved anything or put the effort into his business to grow it, too busy with OW!

Part of being a Dad is being responsible, if he can't be that then doesn't get the title of Daddy!

An update - I have emailed XWBF with the amount of DD money that he owes on Monday. He has verbally told me that he will pay, and tonight asked when will I see the money, he said he is waiting for a cheque to clear, and will probably pay this coming Monday. Time will tell.

I also asked him if he would babysit DD on 4 March, (I have a birthday party to go to) he wanted to know what the conditions were, told him at my place and OW not welcome, he said he would think about it. It is his DD, and he has to think about it! Am I being too tough here or not!

Anyway an update

Hi

So far the outstanding childcare costs have not appeared in my bank account. They were due on Monday but no show, asked XWBF last night what the update was, he said he would pay me today, he has been waiting for a cheque to clear.

After visiting DD last night he phones me on his way home to tell me that he wants to take DD away by himself on his next Sunday visit. I said ok, and asked what he would be doing with her, he oh just taking her to a local park, I said oh and also mentioned that he had agreed that OW would not have contact with DD without mutual agreement between ourselves. He flew off the handle, swore at me, and accused me preventing him of seeing DD, which is totally untrue. He can come and see her anytime he wants and has had the option of spending alone time with her, but has asked me to join them, which at the time I asked him why, he replied because I want you to, and then I asked are you sure it is your time, he said yes. He also has the option of spending more time during the week (evenings) with her but hasn't and can also come on non alternate Sundays but hasn't. So I can't see how I can be accused of preventing him from seeing DD.

I don't understand, less than 2 months ago he agreed in writing to his visitation arrangement and that we would have a policy of joint agreement about if and when DD would be introduced to partners. Now it looks like he was just going to introduce DD to OW and not tell me about it.

He also said that I am preventing his parents from seeing their grand daughter, they live in Australia us in the UK and eventually NZ, how is that my fault? He told me that I haven't thanked them for the gifts and cards that they have sent to DD. This is true, but I told XWBF that I think that this his role, he is their son. To turn it around, I said if that is the case, then why haven't you thanked my parents for the gifts and cards that they have sent DD? I said, I wouldn't expect you to, this is ridiculous!

All I can think of is that OW is putting pressure on him to be involved with DD and is probably resentful because XWBF spends time with me. Also his parents are probably putting pressure on him also, DD is going to turn 2 in 3 weeks time.

He is now threatening to get lawyers involved again, this from a guy who can't pay DD childcare costs on time and has financial problems!

What a night is all I can say and will this ever end!

He owes what he owes and he should pay what he owes.

$$ doesn't lie. Obligation is an obligation, unless he is willing to give up parental rights.

Selling his soul to the devil? Isn't he living with one?!?!? <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/eek.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/laugh.gif" alt="" />

L.

No surprise is it, no money showed up in my bank account yesterday!

Hang in there NZGirl. It's a good sign that he is running low on money. Nothing like a little reality to put a squeeze on the fantasy. That cheque is certainly taking a long time to clear.

that cheque I really don't think is going to clear anytime soon and come my way! I am pretty sure he wants to stop paying for half of DD daycare costs and will avoid the issue - great isn't it, my life is getting back on track and XWBF starts to cause chaos <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />

Then you need to make that part of your child support and have it taken directly from his paycheck. Can you do this legally where you are?

Hi all

Life has settled down lately, but thought I would post this email I just got from XWBF.

'Just letting you know that child support money will go into your account later in the week as i am waiting on a cheque to clear'

What makes me laugh is that he has just purchased a Nano IPod worth about twice the amount of child support he has to pay. Priorities?!

DD just turned 2 yesterday, we had a party on Sunday, she had a few friends over and had lots of fun. She discovered chocolate cake was pretty yummy and had her first lollipop (sugar free, had to cut the sugar intake down somewhere!). She likes opening presents and look bewildered at times as to why all of a sudden she was getting so much attention.

The funny thing today was when she woke up she told me that today is her birthday again - I had to laugh, she has learnt very quickly that birthdays are fun and wouldn't it be nice if everyday was your birthday!