NZG,

I seem to have missed your posts. glad things are quieting down for you. Happy Birthday to little NZG! sounds like she had a ball. birthdays are the best!

Sorry to hear that XWBF is still being a horses patoot.

Hugs

Carolyn

PS: Are you still at your old email address? if not, i am so email me.

Hey Carolyn

Good to hear from you, I was only just thinking if you yesterday.

Hope all is going well.

Hi

I am looking for some advice. XWBF has missed 2 weekly payments of child support. He said on Monday this week that a cheque had cleared and he was going to pay, but hasn't yet. Today, his next payment is due and that hasn't been paid either!

We have a private agreement, and the government authorities over here are overwhelmed and going through a restructure. I am thinking of getting my lawyer involved, but that will mean more cost.

Anyone got any other ideas?

Also, can someone tell me how to change the subject title?

Go back to your 1st post on this thread and you will see the title line open for revision.

As for involving your lawyer...the sooner the better. Otherwise the WS will think he can do this and more..... <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/mad.gif" alt="" />

L.

NZG,

did you get my email?

i suggest writing him a strongly worded letter yourself outlining to him the consequences of not meeting his Cs requirements and expressing your intent to enforce them if payments are not brought up to date asap.

Yes, the CSA is up the creek at the moment but that doesnt mean it wont be a whole lotta trouble for him when they do eventually catch up with him and who is to even say he is aware of the current crisis. you know they were talking about bringing in private bailiffs to enforce CS orders. that would not be a pleasent experience i am sure.

you are not waiving anything by writing to him yourself and i have gotten pretty good at writing legalese letters so i am happy to help if you want.

hugs

carolyn

Hey Carolyn

I didn't get your email. Send it to my work email if you like - that way I can respond sooner.

He has finally paid the CS, it came through today, a week late!

Talk to you soon.

got it. email on its way! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

Some more drama which I need some advice on. XWBF has been today to see DD. At the end of his visit he asked to discuss the visitor arrangements we have with DD. He wants to introduce DD to OW which I am saying no to. A few words were exchanged and he threatened getting a lawyer involved again and taking me to court to which I said do it, and the end result will be that DD and I return to NZ sooner than we scheduled. He got anger, stormed out of the house, slammed the door and then came back in with a clinched fist ready punch me. Luckily for me he didn't. I am not sure what I should do next. Thoughts have been to report this to the police and get a restraining order on him, or just let it go. I am not sure what to do. He isn't normally a violent person and I am not sure if this due to pressure from OW to be involved with DD, or if he is now starting to think more and more about the fact that DD will be returning to NZ with me and doesn't like that thought. I have been very strong when it comes to OW and DD which he hates, but what choice do I have, lay down and let OW unjustly start to bond with DD or put up a fight?!

He made a comment that he didn't leave DD he left me which I said surely you can see that has some aspects of truth to it, but the reality is you still left DD!

It seems when thing have settled down for a while it flares up again, I guess this should be expected.

Update -
I have had a busy, stressful and emotional couple of weeks. I don't have time to post all right now but the short story is I got served with papers from XWBF to go to court the next day (no time to arrange representation) XWBF is now stopping me from leaving the country with DD, because he isn't happy with the contact agreement he signed in December, in fact he is trying to void that agreement completely. The outcome, I have a district court appearance on 20th July (changed from 7th July date that Judge set because XWBF is on holiday with OW in Mexico) to discuss contact proposals and I am not allow to leave country permanently with DD until this is resolved. Feeling pretty crappy about things but pleased with how I stood up in court and defended myself

I have a little bit more time now. XWBF has been pushing for the last couple of months to introduce DD to OW. I have said no, so he has threaten lawyers but done nothing about it. One Sunday about a month ago he brought it up again and I said no, I am not going to discuss it. He threaten lawyers again, which I stupidly replied, well if that is what is going to happen, I guess it will expedite our return to NZ. He went balistic and then left slamming the door and then came back in with his fist raised to me, but didn't punch me. I posted this in an earlier thread.

Well, last Wednesday, I received a letter from XWBF saying he wasn't acknowledging our contact agreement that he signed in December and that he has the right to introduce DD to anyone he wants. He gave me 7 days to reply, otherwise he was going to apply to the courts to prevent me from leaving the UK permanently with DD. The next morning I faxed the letter to my lawyer and was waiting for her to ring me back to discuss. At the time my work contract had just finished and I didn't know what I was doing as far as staying in the UK or returning to NZ. Well the very next day a bayliff served me papers as I arrived home with DD at 1:30pm advising me I had to attend court the very next day at 10am. I hadn't heard from my lawyer as she was in meetings all day, and I finally heard from her at 4:30pm. I attended court, XWBF had a barrister and solicitor there, I had me only.

The judge was pretty good to me, XWBF didn't submit the contact agreement we have to the court with documentation, made out there wasn't one. His grounds for wanting to prevent me from leaving the country is that there is no contact agreement - which there was. The judge agreed that there was a contact agreement, but it didn't have much detail - which I stated was because XWBF wouldn't committ to anything at the time. The judge decided that given the circumstances he would have to provoke my right to leave the country permanently until things are resolved. XWBF wanted to have a mirror order put in place in NZ which the judge declined based on being a waste of courts time and expense. The mirror order would prevent me contesting the order back in NZ if necessary in the future. XWBF said he only received 2 weeks notice that I might be going back to NZ, the judge said 'I don't see what is wrong with that'. No where is it stated that BS has to give you a notice period. XWBF tried to state that my reason for returning to NZ was because he had entered into a relationship with a new partner and that was the reason for my sudden move, which is not correct.

At the end of the hearing XWBF asked do you want to talk, I said what about, he said things, I agreed and he said he would meet me downstairs. After waiting 20 minutes I went back upstairs to find him waiting for the judge to finish his next case so he could change the judge appointed date of 6th July because he would be away. How rude of him to leave me to wait indefinitely!

What really annoyed me is in the affidavit that XWBF lodge with the court he didn't state his home address, the reason being that his partner didn't feel comfortable with me knowing where they lived based on my irrational behaviour. Now the only behaviour I can think of is that about a year ago I phoned OW to ask her what she thought she was doing, going into my home and sleeping in my bed with my partner, and asking morally how did she sleep at night. The only other thing I can think of is that I phoned their home phone number about 8 times and hung up when she answered. This I don't think was irrational behaviour and put into context I think is probably normal behaviour given the circumstances and I can say it is not current behaviour. What really annoys me is that OW is seeking protection, and acting like a victim here. Really, how can that be, given what she has done.

So legally, I don't have a leg to stand on preventing XWBF introducing DD to OW. I realise I may have to concede here. I have put up a strong fight for a long time, but I will be dammed if I will let him take her away without knowing where he lives.

I have just typed this as I thought of things, so it may be a bit jumbled and a rant, I apologise for this.

My next mission is the district judge meeting on 20th July, I think it will be more like mediation, so I need to get prepared for this. Any suggestions would be welcome.

Hi Bigger

Thanks for your response. I realize that I can’t keep OW away from DD forever, but was hoping that XWBF might actually see that it isn’t worth it given the time that we will be in the country. Yes, I agree it is obvious that XWBF isn’t coming back at the moment, but in the past 8 months I have sensed some wavering on a few occasions from him. Although at this point if he was will to give it another go, I am not sure I would want to.

As far as going on the defensive, I had already put my CV out in the market place one I realized that the Microsoft contract may not be extended. I hadn’t made up my mind what I was going to do, stay in the UK or return to NZ, but thought I would see what other opportunities cropped up. A good job opportunity did come up and I accepted last Friday on the basis that XWBF was going to keep me in the country until things are sorted out, and didn’t want to stay in the UK not earning anything. As you rightly say, it is an expensive place to live and I didn’t want to have to dip into my savings. So I feel pleading for financial support might not be a good track to go down.

I agree, heading to NZ is the right move, but feel trapped here at the moment. Once things are signed and sealed, I will start making firm plans to return there.

I know I have been stubborn with regard to OW being in contact with DD, but I feel that this is a natural reaction, and question if this is wrong?! I am torn at the moment with protecting DD from the realities of the situation, and being agreeable to XWBF. I also am concerned about being a single parent back in NZ and being able to provide for DD in the future, hence we are in the UK earning all the pounds I can get my hands on. I do know however, that at the end of the day, I need to start putting myself before my financial concerns, but wanted to grit it out here as long as possible to ensure a good financial future for DD and myself. The finance side of things really concerns me, but I guess things will work out regardless of the financial security we have.

Thanks again, your comments are always appreciated.
NZGirl

I have not read the entire thread... but I think I have a handle on the situation. Forgive me if I am missing any important details.
I was the BS and had to deal with my XWP introducing my son to the OM. I am empathetic to your situation. But... and it is a big but here... the desire for a parent... even if they are a low life WP...to have a relationship with their child is NOT dependent upon their relationship with the other parent. He walked out on you and your family... but he has not revoked his rights to be a dad. I have a million reasons to NEVER let my sons mother see him again... but I have one reason to make sure he does... it is best for him. So, unless your XWP is a danger to her welfare... stop using her as a tool to hurt him. He deserves to spend time with his child and if he wishes to include the home wrecking b!tch in those visits... you should not attempt to control that any longer.
JMHO.

mkeverydaycnt
Thanks for your post. I feel I have to defend myself a little here. Yes I agree a child has a right to have a relationship with each parent and vice versa, I have to point out that I haven't prevented XWBF from spending time with DD, he sees her as much as he wants. I am just opposed to OW being involed for obvious reasons. Yes I realise that long term this is unrealistic and I need to face it at sometime, and hoped that XWBF would realise that time is required to get there. I am just trying to delay it and know that I have delayed as long as I can. It is quite a big step to have OW and DD together and not one that I am not looking forward to.

But like all of this situation, I have had to deal with a situation that I didn't want or expect, and have coped the best I can. As I said, this is a really big step.

First off, I am sorry that you are going through this. I am one person here... with this topic... that you do not have to defend yourself with. Personally, I think both the WH and the OW should be bolied in oil... but since we live in a society where we can't do that... it is best to find a way to keep the peace.
You will do best to not only allow this interaction to occur... but to make it as stress free for the OW as possible. Why... because that will help your child the most.
In addition... you said the WH can see the child whenever he wants... but is that supervised? He should have his own time with the child outside of your care. Again, unless he is a danger to the child... it is insulting to this dirt bag to have supervised visits.
I hate defending a WS... it makes me want to puke.

mkeverydaycnt - thanks for your reply and I am sorry that you too have had to go through this - what doesn't kill you will make you stronger I guess!

XWBF has unsupervised time with DD, he ususally takes her to an indoor play centre or swimming. So I am not involved. This has been occurring for the last 4 months or so. Considering I don't where he lives, I think this is a big thing.

You sound like you are doing a great job with your child and have got to a place where the emotion is not overriding things. thanks again for your input.

You are the principle guardian and therefore need to be where you can best assume that role--and if its among family etc. Sounds like a good decision.

As a child who did not see much of her father during her youth, I can say that something was truly missing for me in my emotional development. Please encourage ANY and ALL time he is willing to give her outside of OP.

Once you move, some of the burden to open the communication will be on you. Please do what you can to make it easy for him to be a part of her life. Encourage HER to reach out to him too.

It may hurt you and is probably very difficult to set aside your own feelings about the situation. In the long run she will benefit.