How do you answer this when the WW says I dont want my emotional needs met by you its to late. Do you just do it? I replied better late than never.

As Always, Good Reply MM.

Allow me to add this.

FG,

Buy a nice blank notebook. Start writing in it. Write in it each day, Your feelings, if you spoke to your W, what you spoke about. If you saw or spoke with DD. What you are doing to try and improve things. The responce of the W.

If you keep this up you will start to see patterns of what seems to work and what doesn't. It can also be used to protect yourself if the W starts to make up stories about you.

BTW. Does the W show the same patterns of abuse to DD? <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/eek.gif" alt="" /> If so, you need to do something very soon.

Good luck and God bless.

Good points WTF!

In His arms.

Just do it. All WSs say that stuff. She has no idea what she is saying, or what she wants. Ignore it.

In His arms.

FG,

Realator asked me to come over and read your thread. U r getting good support but I also recommned u get with a good MC. Call Jennifer C @ MB for some phone counseling. Read Surviving an Affair (by Dr. W. Harley) and Love must be Tough (James Dobson).

U need to calm down a bit. Your interactions with the WS is too frequent. You have a child so some is t/b expected.

Keep a journal as recommended, secure your finances (WS' like to spend lots of $$$ just to keep the BS broke), log all incidents in your journal. You may need to seek custody of your daughter if your WS keeps acting up. She is not creating a safe enivornment for your daughter.

Get a personal support group. Family, friends.....exposure but not all the way. Just tell them enough so they can help you. RE: Everyone can not handle everything (info wise).
Make your daughter part of your immediate support group (reassure her of your love and that you are her daddy).

Part of your plan A is to confuse the WS and bring your wife home. The fact that your W has been a OW several times is going to make this recovery a bit harder. Either way, she is going to have to work to come home so stop pampering the Ws. Pamper and save your love for your W not the WS.

Please read the links in my sig line.

Pray for a clear mind and a calm heart. Work on your self improvement points while in plan A and identify your personal boundaries (these are points where you have a strong stance and will not waiver). It may take a while to identify these boundaries and it s/b a short list. Mine started out long and ended up being: "No OW in my life, even if it means losing a WS."

I stuck to that. It helped me implement and stay in plan B.

BTW, when your WS whines about not enough adult time....don't give into her. Setup and keep to your visitation schedule. Don't enable the A.

Keep posting.......it is good therapy. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/laugh.gif" alt="" />

take care,
L.

Thank you for your respnses. I will begain this again. This rollercoaster has been hard I have to get off the ride and save myself and then fight. This is been going on for 7 months I need to focus. Thank you and I will start the journal today.

Entry #1.

Today if November 30th 2005.

Today is the day that I have decided to reinvent myself to be best possible man, husband, and father that I can be.

I will do this for myself, my wife, and my daughter. I will not fail.



Stay strong.

Now when I was told to do my plan I had gone thro the BS shock and verbal abuse for almost 2 years before I found my proof. I panicked and did not listen it took me months to come up with my plan. Now my plan was I would not allow myself to 1. not live with any abuse, 2. if further contact continued I was gone done, 3. Take care of myself -physically and mentally, 4. save $$$$. This is not for you but worked for me.
What Orchid stated is set up visataion schedule with your WS for DD3 and stick to it. Do not take DD3 until it is your time, as this is giving WS time to enjoy her A. That is what Orchid stated. Be pleasant, the H every woman wants, dress up nicely, be cheerful and happy. Do not show her your true emotions. You are a police man you can do this. You must be strong in that carrier. This it the time I should have an oscar for as well as all the others here. I became an actress. If I cried I did so when he was at work or in my shower. He actually throw things in my face for being a emotional wreck. After all NOTHING is going on and you are just jealous ect. That is the babble of the Alien. Have you found out who the OM is yet? If so expose him to family friends, job if you can ect or his GF or W. This is all in the plan. Invite the W on trips with DD3 that youmplan to do with her. If she says no then say ok see you later. In a very pleasant tone. Like its no big deal ect. It is a very hard plan but good luck.

Lets see i called W today after she got off work and I told her I apoligized for questioning the blocked phone call which lead to this statement from her. WW says she feels she has to look over shoulder and she is being watched and others are watching her. it fleas like im a flea and she cant get rid of me. WW then goes on and says im obssessed with her and worried about what she is doing and with whom. I calmly stated that is your opinion and Im committed to my marriage. She states it doesnt matter what she does in MI b/c its a no fault state. She then goes on to say her attorney asked if she wanted a restraing order against me but that would mean we would have to have a neutral dropp off for DD and she doesnt want that. I have never showed up to her apt uninvited or any place she was at while being out or followed her.she then goes on to tell me her female partner says why is he going crazy b/c you have guy friends and you can't saying WW is a good girl and not a slut other wise I would not hang out with you. This girl is single and I will explain a little more later. WW then says how she doesn't want flowers from me however the ones I gave her 2 days ago she loved and said thank you and put them in a vase, how I give her hugs and she takes them from me for a few seconds. Yhe couple I gave her 2 days. ago. WW said I should of been served 2 weeks ago but her attorney left for an emergency out of town confrence and I should be served next week. WW also then stated how it must be nice to buy yourself a gift and yes I did why does she care. WW then said Im going to make her eat her gun and the only thing stopping her is DD. WW made all these comments while crying. I only listend to her not defending myself or giving any opnion. I have LB by questining her and told her Im committed and will fight for this M. She hates when I say that and tells me it over just leave me alone.

My feelings during this, I was shocked with myself by not responding to any of it and I felt like I was in control. WW will say alot of things like above to gain control. She wants me to just disappear. Not going to happen we have a child together. The eating her gun concerned me and has been said to me before by her. I don't know if it is to gain control,guilt or if she is serious.

The Om situation. about a month ago my WW and i where text messaging eachother and she sent me (name) on the brain. I asked what does this mean and she says i sent you ok. I said no I got (name) on the brain. W then tells me oh I sent you that by accident and I was text my partner the one above who is partners with this OM and she really likes him but they are like brother and sister. My brain is saying if they are like brother and sister then why does her partner like him more than a brother or sister. WW said I sent her (name)on the brain b/c she her partner has him on the brain or is it WW has om on the brain. This is the same guy My DD named she had dinner with last night. I know she is only 3 but I asked her again and she said several more times. This OM is married and has a small child and his wife is pregnant. Now another friend of mine told me he said he was thinking of D prior to meeting my WW but wasn't sure he was serious or sarcastic.

I have to be careful exposing this because I don't want anything to happen to this unborn child. I also have to investigate this further. Im a Police Officer and I have tools at my disposal but i don't want to jeaoprdize my job or position. I will have to get creative. I want pictures real proof.

The first A which was an EA un sure if PA b/c W just wont confess to it only gives admissions like MI is a no fault state so it doesnt matter what im doing. When I told her I was going to confront OM she used everything in the book to stop me manipulation so I did not confront him. This OM did move out of state. The second OM which was a PA one night stand which I seen him go in at 3:40am in the morning and leave at 6:00am when i confronted her I was again told don't confront him it will cause a work problem. I have learned my lesson I will expose this one. I was such a sucker. I do have to admit she is a ****** of a manipulator.

I started to write my journal. I will see where it goes and I have to work on my Plan A. Any input would be great and I do thank everyone for the support.

I do know why she is saying to leave her alone and im stalking her so I fall out of the oicture and it justifies what she is doing. I was once in her shoes and when my EX just dropped out of the picture and the A continued full force. What Im doing is not stalking I know the law however one or more unwanted contact is stalking. Is this her shame and guilt talking???

You are really learning and doing so well. Good job with your answers. Have you read Orchid's babble it is at the bottowm of here post -just click on it. It is a real eye opener.

I picked DD up from our usual meeting place in the morning and I told WW HI she repilied Hey. I told WW she looked nice and she replied I KNOW this was said in a cold withdrawn attitude. Was she letting me know look at what your losing b/c that is what I thought but ignored it. I then said good bye and she drove off. I felt ok.

I sent WW a picture of DD from my phone while she was playing on the computer (noggin site) WW immediately called me and talked to me about DD saying see how she works the mouse etc.. I agreed and she asked how she was. I then made it short I told her to have a good day at work. We both said goodbye.

I took DD to the mall for lunch and to play in the kids area. During lunch DD was playing with the salt,pepper and sugar jar saying sugar jar is Daddy, pepper is Mommy and salt is DD. DD had fun playing in the kids area and When it was time to go DD gave me a hard time and made herself passive resistant (layed on the floor) I picked her up and she started to yell at me saying stop Daddy leave me alone. This triggered somthing in me it made me realize that is what WW always tells me when Im talking to her about committment etc..MY WW says this infront of our child all the time and I don't think she realizes the impact on DD when she does this. DD then hit me and I told thats not nice and she said she was sorry. This is bothering me and has made me a bit depressed. We then had some sesame st. cookies and DD had it all over her face so I took a picture and sent it to WW who has not responded to it. I havee DD all day and night so I really don't have any reason to contact WW and boy does that hurt. I have always enjoyed calling her to see how her day is etc.. WW use to always check on us and talk to me since we have been seperated but since the fight after the hockey game she has been withdrawn and cold. WW even use to invite me to her Mothers. No invites. This sucks have I pushed to know return??

I read Mortarmans link the roles of husband and wife. Boy have I been ignorant. if I would of known this a few months ago I probably would of been golden. I now no exactly what went wrong with my M I never stepped up to the plate and and have god within me she never submitted herself to god and I. I wonder if she would read that. We are both catholic. I feel pretty lonley right now and sick to my stomach I just want her to call me. I would even like to call her but I won't. I just have to gain control of these emotions of mine.

WS's always seek the path of least resistance. That's one reason affairs start. It is easier start a new relationship that to repair an existing one (so they think at the time).

What improvements too yourself are you working on today? Generating greater confidence? Control of your emotions? Anticipating instead of reacting to WS? Working on yourself will benefit you, DD, and ultimatly WS.

Thanks and your right I have to regain my confidence,control my emotions and anticipate instead of react. One thing is I have given somany people advise and help as a Police Officer, thats what makes it difficult for myself to get it together why b/c we tend to put our problems in the back of 0ur minds and push them so deep that when they hit us they knock us right on the ground. Police officers have a high sucide divorce alcholism/drug abuse problem do to the surrondings of this negative world we see so much bad that we think whats the point sometimes. Look Im venting and I will pick myself up, brush the dirt off and continue to fight for me my WW and DD. Thanks I needed this.

Lets see today I had a pretty good one. I took my DD to my sisters and she played with her kids while I went to the mall to get a haircut. MY WW called me twice but I did not answer the phone b/c I left it in my car. I noticed I feel much better with just one day of no interaction with her.

My Question is I have been trying to get some type of schedule for DD in refrence to what days to take her. I have tried to talk to my WW several times about this but it seems to be fly by the pants or whats convient for her.

My plan is to take her Tuesday,Wednesday,Thursday and every other Saturday. See I think this is a good balance and I will get her 14 days out of the month. This plan is to show her that 1. I don't need WW to take DD and shows I have confidence and I want to have her this much. 2. regardless of what my schedule is I want to be in control and I will make the necessary arrangments for a sitter if I have to work a couple of afternoon shifts my sister has no problem. My WW tells me im not pulling my weight when it comes to DD anytime she has wanted me to take I did it stops the convince for her also so I don't enable her A or whatever she is doing.

I am really working on the man I use to be and he is coming out. I read that thread on husbands and wives I was that man once before and I lost it. Im pretty darn funny too.

Any input would be appreciated.

WW called the house this morning while me and DD were sleeping but I did not answer and then she immediately called my cell and I answered half a sleep. WW tells me she called me last night a couple of times and like I said i left my phone in the car. I simply told her we were out and I left my phone in the car. WW out where I said just out she replies what your just driving around in the car I said no we went to my sisters oh while you went out. I simply replied no. WW attitude was more upbeat than the voice mail she left me last night that went. " I tried calling you a couple of times and the house I know you seen I called and the only reason I called was to check on DD and I dont know why your not answering but you must have your reasons all this with an sttitude saying its ridicuolos" WW then continued ask me questions how is she I said fine did she cry when she went to bed did she sleep with you etc... I answered her questions with shes fine no to the crying. I politely asked her if I could call her back b/c we were still sleeping and she replied with you know F U and hung up. Somebody tell me why this anger we were sleeping and I told her this in the beginning of the conversation. Normally I would of called her back. I m not going to. Does she feel like she is losing control and Im pulling away. I am polite and groggy from sleeping I don't have any attitude.

I still would like some input on my scheduling for DD.

Look One thing I can't understand is why do these WS act like nothing is wrong like they are the strong one and not a care in the world like she is just so happy shes not with me. I know I did alot of lB during these last 7 months and she has told me I pushed her to no return. Its so hard when you still love them and care for them deeply. I just talk to WW and asked what is going on with DD tonight, who's taking her I asked if she would like to join us for dinner she says oh no and then she said she would come get her after work. This just seem so not worth it. This women had dying love more me and now wants nothing to do with me. Maybe I pushed her to no return and I should just throw in the towel. I get so tired of the knotted feelings inside of my stomach the unkown. Im venting on here instead at her.

Does anybody read my thread I post and post and barley get any replies.

Does anyone think that asking my WW to read roles of huband and wife is a bad or good idea???

fg, your WW is in the fog and that is why she is acting like this. Do not let her talk and actions get to you. Try to think of it like an alien has invaded her body.

You MUST control all LB'ers towards her as you have seen what the incident at the hockey game did to your situation. No Angry Outburst, Disrespectufl Judgements or Selfish Demands...period.

If you want her back you have no choice but to Plan A. If you do Plan B now it will certainly lead to a D. Plan B can only be effective if followed by a strong Plan A and that is what you need to do now.

You WW was coming back to you after 7 months so you see it takes time, lots of time. Throw out the calender and make PATIENCE your closest ally. Without it this will not work.

PATIENCE & TIME is was will save your M.
Impliment a strong PLAN A where you do NOT LB and try to meet your WW EN's.

Now is not the time to give up. The wonderful people here will help you.


You have to be very careful about this since WS do not want to be educated and it may come across as a LB. I would not recommend this right now.

My WW has filed I just checked online and it has been cofirmed. I will probably get served next week. Should I continue my plan A. I really need some advise right now.

ok people I hurting here but not as bad as I thought. WW came over to get DD and she observed the wedding pic of us on the shelf she even noticed the new sliver ring I bought it was cheep 20 bucks she made no comment but looked and even looked me up and down from head to toe. WW then went on to say if she could have a 100.00 dollars for her cell bill. Now during that last fight from the hockey game there was alot of callimg back and forth so i did say I would help so i will but I just don't have the money right now. I can probably get it I do have some money saved.

I can't believe she filed im a bit in shock.
I attemted to talk to her to let her know how I have made mistakes and to reassure that a night like that will never happen again. She seemed to just interupt me and say just I heard that before and then you emailed my friend on yahoo. I emailed this person for some companionship nothing more just like when I was on DB and she was angry how i told our personnal life on that web site that was the week she moved out.. She also through the night of the game how I told her she was text book infadelity. My W loves to turn it all around onto me. I talk to a person and im the one committing adultry.

I really need to find out if she is seeing this OM who is married.

I also need to figure out where and how im going to get money for a lawyer a darn good one. I really can't see my DD growing up like this.

Please give me some direction. I did not LB though. And it was hard not too.