I am posting this everywhere because I need some advice. My husband has been unfaithful twice in the past 7 years. We've seen two marriage counselors and been released successfully. However, recently my hubby was deployed overseas with the US Navy Reserves. While stationed in Iraq, he had an affair with an Air Force nurse, he says cause he was lonely and sexually unfulfilled.

Given the situation, there was nothing I could do to prevent him from feeling this way. I sent packages, letters, cards, and even risque pictures of myself to him to try to help him remain faithful (at his request). We talked on the phone several times a week and chatted over the computer as much as possible but nothing helped.

Do you have any different advice for military families who are dealing with infidelity under such extenuating circumstances? Apparently affairs run rampant over in Iraq between the branches that are not seeing daily combat (which is more than people realize) and in co-ed units.

Any information or help you can offer is GREATLY appreciated! Thank you and God Bless!

I am a millitary wife myself. It is a very hard responsibility to fill. My H was having cyber sex with OW for the same reasons that you are explaining. My H was due to come home soon after all of this happen so it made it easier to make sure I was the one fufilling those needs. I pray for you and your H safe return. I wish there was more advice for me to give but, there are very experienced vets here that will be able to help you. Keep us posted and good luck SW

Thank you for your reply. Hubby is back home now (arrived early Sept.) and isn't supposed to go back (as far as we know). The extra issue is that he's a police chief in a small town and has gone back to work. The town is two hours away from my parent's house. (The two small kids and I moved in with them when he left for support.) We're getting ready to move back down with him (I think). I just don't know that I'll ever trust him again. I want to, but this is strike three. I don't know what to do and wish God would send me an email to tell me. LOL

I don't know how to try to rebuild our marriage when we don't even live close to one another and he works literally all the time. (Several of his officers quit when he returned and so it's just him and one other guy patroling until they can hire more personnel.)

Thank you for your kind words. God Bless You!

If you want to work it out, move home if at all possible.

Read the book Surviving an affair. Give it to him to read, too. Can you get into counseling? Or call one of the Harleys?

Trust is a hard thing to regain. Read the articles on the site. They are wonderful. A lot has been written on trust and forgiveness on the forums as well.

Keep reading and posting. Others will be by as well
blessings

I'm planning on moving home at the first of the month. However, I just found out today that I'm pregnant. That scares me because what if he is not going to be fully committed the way he says he will?? What happens if he gets recalled again and I'm stuck at home to have a baby by myself and raise two other small children?

I'm in shock. Please pray for me and my marriage. Thank you all for your support and kind words.

rstewart,

I was a deployed husband. Overseas 10 mos mixed with coed troops. Here are a couple of points -

1) It is a two-way street. I saw many soldiers over there remain faithful to have their spouses cheat on them while they were deployed. (Both male and female).

2) Good soldier does not necessarily mean good man (or woman for that matter) and the behavior of some of my fellow soldiers while deployed was deplorable.

3) None of them, and let me make this clear, NONE OF THEM HAD to. It is a choice they make. Using a deployement as an excuse for bad behavior (not saying yours did, just making a statement) is a cop out. Why should a deployment be any different than any OTHER (difficult) circumstance? It's not. Frankly, especially in the reserves because of the lack of support network associated with proximity to a military base, it can be damn tough on the spouse left behind as well. Especially if family isn't around, etc.

On to the advice....

You asked:


These are valid fears. But fear tends to lead to weakness. And poor decisions.

To the first question, I would ask - if he is not fully comitted, what are your options? Is partially comitted better than no husband? What do you think your chances are of finding ANOTHER man fully comitted to someone whose kids are not his?

I do not say this to remove hope, but to give it. Your fear of his committment is just fear. His committment is not in your control. All you can do is be the best YOU that you can be. If you do that, it will aid his committment. If you are a wishy-washy wreck, it will only make it worse.

Is it unfair that the burden is yours? Sure it is. Welcome to the real world. But the fact that YOU need to be the best YOU that YOU can be does not change with your circumstances.

Your second question: What happens if he gets recalled again? Well. You do your best.

This fearful line of thinking will just cause you to lose focus. Here is what comes next...

... what if he cheats again...
... what if he finds someone else...
... what if he dies...

All out of your control. Keep an eye on your fear. It is a real good early warning system. But use it, do not be ruled by it.

Two more things:

1) You may not have asked it directly, but I am going to answer it for you anyway. Q: When is it OK to quit (on the marriage)? A: When you can look yourself deep in the eye and with 100% assurance say that you did your best to make the marriage work. Remember, you may or may not have to spend the rest of your life with him. But you WILL have to spend the rest of your life with you. So be a person you can enjoy spending the rest of your life with. Understand??

2) His choice to have an affair was his alone. Don't you shoulder that burden. It is NOT YOURS. You may have made mistakes. You may have been able to do things better. All that means is that you are human, just like the rest of us. There are PLENTY of us. In fact EVERYONE of us who could say their spouse "needs improvement" in some area or another. And there are plenty who KEEP THE COVENANT ANYWAY. Got it? You are NOT defective. His choice. His burden.

NCWalker

And not just over there.

My son is 25 and military. He is not married. He told me just this past week that his fear and the fear of a lot of them is getting a "Dear John" letter over there.

They too are afraid they their spouse or girlfriend won't be faithful while they are gone.

My son is not sure that marriage or girls are worth the risk. It is sad that our society does not show much support for faithfulness.

Susan