WOW…How embarrassing this is going to be... This is really hard for me to admit but I need answers. Please bear with me and read on as I really need help with this. If you wish to get history on my situation please visit my original post in the “just found out section” called “Not sure what to do now – short version?”

Man what they say about the shy girls??? My wife is a beautiful 31yr old woman. She is well respected and is seen by all that know her as a very prim and proper woman with values. We have 3 children and have had our ups and downs in our marriage but for the most part have gotten along and had many principals. She is a very shy girl and has a heart filled with love and passion but also another side of her that is someone else. Just to set the record straight before anyone suspects, By-polar was ruled out but she has other issues that have come up in the past from time to time. These include passive/aggressive, low self esteem, acute depression, obsessive compulsive, anxiety disorder and social anxiety issues.

Now that that has been said, my original post describes the second personality she has (not literally) which caused her to have a PA 5 weeks ago. The PA was with someone she wasn’t attracted to nor had any Emotional feelings for but with someone she worked with and someone she felt to be the easiest target as she described. She woke up the first morning and decided to pursue the PA when I was out of town (really pushing this guy as he had repeatedly told her “NO”) and after much effort she got what she wanted. Then a day later, after 3 encounters with this man (and me in between…yuck) she tried to commit suicide, admitted to the PA right away and has been in the hospital for the past 5 weeks. She will be in for a bit yet and will be in an 18 week psychiatric day program. The doctors feel the PA was a self power struggle and she didn’t know what she was doing nor could she really grasp right from wrong (still hard for me to believe). Obviously she hit a melt down and is very sincere about what she did and the hurt she caused and feels disgusted about what happened. She is sorry 100 times a day but it still doesn’t stop me from throwing up every day or 2 but anyway…

Here’s where it gets really bothersome. We have shared a very healthy sex life and have been up for new ideas. I feel over the past 6 months she was changing based upon depression and other things. Many times I’ve addressed the depression with her along with the things I am about to admit which includes sexual changes. I thought it was a 30’s peek thing for women but it really got out of hand. Six months ago I began to suspect she would, in her depression and willing to cause herself and the ones she loved pain and anguish, that she would do the unthinkable. And I was right. It started with her talking about couples and me being with another woman. Yeah, for all you guys out there you may find that I was lucky, but I am not that type of guy. I’ve felt that love should be between 2 people and does not include any third party otherwise you have no relationship. But regardless, she was really becoming physical sex wise. You all know the difference between making love and sex where I can only recall making love 3 times in the past year vs. having sex. One night when we were out and after about 4 hours of begging, I finally gave into the idea of her watching me with a stripper. I felt that if I didn’t she would find it elsewhere so I did. She loved every minute of it and I felt scared where this was going. She couldn’t be physically satisfied after no matter how much I tried. The next day, she felt guilty. But then she wanted to do it again a few days later. I really became scared at this point and even confronted her about it and a few weeks later she had the PA. Physically, I did all she wanted but when it came to this point I felt it was way too much. With all the help she’s been getting over the past 5 weeks being committed in the hospital, I asked her to talk about her thoughts. She did and I thought the nice girl I knew was coming back. But then…

We started making love again a few weeks after the PA. Might have been too soon for me as I cried the first few times and even threw up once during (which made her feel awful) but regardless I gave her my whole heart and sole back. Then a week later she got an evening pass from the hospital and something physically started to show up again with her. Not that I am complaining because I find it healthy once in a while but it started scaring me again because it wasn’t her. She has never been one to park and have sex as she has always made me feel guilty for asking to park or argued with me. She came up with the idea to park because we didn’t have time to go home and we did. That was OK but this weekend (on her weekend pass from the hospital) it was very sexual (made love a couple times in between) and I didn’t know where it was going. As she was following my request to be honest, she told me after the night we parked and had sex she had thoughts about us with another couple (not sharing but watching another couple). She even thought of me with another woman again. Obviously, the docs aren’t helping her with this. Obviously the PA was a desire she couldn’t control and I am scared with where this is all going. I am sooooo hurt by the PA even though I’ve degraded myself to confront her fantasies but this is getting out of hand.

So here are my questions:

Where the he[l is this coming from?
What should I do?
What does this say about the PA that happened?
Was she in control of the PA or was it something she couldn’t control?
Anything else you can say or comment on would be appreciated.

Please comment or provide help. I don’t feel so good and am scared as we have always had a respectable relationship and a very healthy sex life (I do like her honesty though).

Thanks in advance.

Isit,

Welcome to MB. I think there are a few things you need to understand. Your W is hospitalized for a reason and it is not because you haven't met her needs. She has some deep and apparently severe issues that need to be addressed.

I could speculate as to why she is doing this and I MIGHT be right or wrong, but it won't make any difference. Why? Because until she has addressed her issues and her own thoughts, you cannot help her. All you can do is support her, take good care of your children, and talk with her Dr.'s so that they know what is going on in here head.

She is apparently being honest with you and that is a good thing. She apparently is trying to make up for what she has done, but she has issues with boundaries apparently and only a trained and skilled person can address these things.

Further, you are not many weeks past her having this PA. It will take you MONTHS if not a year or two to fully recover from all of this. So your concerns, your feelings are going to be all over the place, accept that you are on the emotional rollercoaster. It won't be pleasant but it is normal.

Do your best to make sure she gets the best help you can and take good care of your children. That is all you can do.

I am sure others will offer their opinions, but I hope something I have said will be of some help to you.

God Bless,

JL

PS: Is there any chance she was abused as a child?

IsItWorthIt - It's not embarrassing at all to any of us who have been dealing with marital problems of the magnitude that we have faced. So don't feel embarrassed. Yes, we all know how hard it seems to talk about "personal issues," but that refusal to face and address the "problems" has often led to seeking "remedies after the fact" instead of before problems became serious.

It is my opinion that issues that sound as serious, from a mental health standpoint, that your wife appears to have, need PROFESSIONAL intervention much more so than opinions from us. Use us for emotional support and "someone to talk to" who understand the "craziness" of marital problems in general and infidelity in specific. Be comforted, somewhat, in that MB is an anonymous forum where you CAN talk about tough issues and don't need to reveal who you really are.

Having said that, let me address this issue that you think that you have "degraded myself to confront her fantasies." There really is little that goes on between a husband and wife that is "wrong." The "key" is mutual sharing out of love. We do not "force" our spouse to do something that they are uncomfortable with simply because WE want to do it. "Try it," perhaps. But if it is based in "performance" rather than in sharing in love, then it moves into the realm of "selfishness" and should be avoided. Part of being married, even in the bedroom, is the idea of putting aside one's own "desires" and placing the needs of our spouse ahead of our own. That is a TWO-WAY street. To allow it to get out of "kilter" is to invite "dominance vs. submissive," and that is NOT a marriage of love and equals. Play the "role" from time to time if it is mutual, but not because it's "expected."

So, having said all that, let's look briefly at your list of questions:

Where the he[l is this coming from?

I would venture a guess that it is due to some problems from her childhood. That is partly why I think professional intervention is needed. It has taken years to get where she is and it will take time to unravel the problem and address the changes that will be needed.

What should I do?

Be true to YOUR marriage vows. The "good" and the "better" is easy for all of us. The "worse" and the "in sickness" is the hard part. Physical illness seems easier to deal with, but mental illness is also real and restoration of mental health takes treatment and time. So commit to tons of patience, endurance, care, forgiveness, and LOVE...no matter the problems or the pain. It DOES hurt, but it's NOT fatal. We all know how it FEELS LIKE it's fatal, but we can all attest to the fact, because we can look at it with hindsight, that it's not fatal and that though the path may be difficult and other than that which we would "choose," a better and stronger marriage CAN result, or a healthy "unmarried" life can be attained when recovery efforts are refused by the spouse.


What does this say about the PA that happened?

This sounds like a "control issue" with your wife. She feels "out of control," perhaps because of the children and a sense that she is "losing herself" or her "sex appeal." She may be looking for affirmation that she is still "desirable," but the problem with that is that is looking for external affirmation rather than internal affirmation of "self." NO ONE can give someone else a "feeling of worth." In that sense, it shares many of the traits of an addiction, where there is never "enough" and that the "dosage needed" to maintain the "feeling or the high" keeps increasing as the body acclimates to the "lower dosages." There comes a point when an addict "crashes" or "overdoses."

It would seem that is where your wife is. When you couple that with suicide attempts or self-harm attempts, your wife is "screaming" for outside help and intervention.


Was she in control of the PA or was it something she couldn’t control?

She can and could, most likely, "control" the choice to have an affair. Too often we hide behind things like "the devil made me do it." The real problem is internal. It rests in our personal Standards, our belief structure, our moral upbringing and sense of "entitlement," how selfish we are versus how caring and giving we are of ourselves, etc.

Could someone argue that a rapist is doing something "out of control?" Sure. But they still CHOSE to act on their feelings. Rape, too, is not about sex. It's about control, it's about power, it's about dominance. The affair your wife had sounds as if it's in the same category...not really about sex as much as it was about power and control. She "went after" what she wanted and picked a "vulnerable target." That would seem to "rule out" a Class II emotionally involved affair.

So, perhaps you'll find a little help in getting the book called Torn Asunder by Dave Carder to help you understand more about the different classifications of affairs and how to recover from them.

Right now, though, your wife NEEDS you to "hang in there" no matter how painful and tough it is. And it IS more painful than can be described, but all of the Betrayed Spouses here on MB KNOW the exact depth and nauseating reality of what you are feeling and facing. You CAN do it. You can do it because you LOVE your wife and children. You ARE the husband and father and you can "face down and overcome" any difficulty because you LOVE. Love is NOT selfish. Love takes a "posture of servanthood" to lead through self-sacrifice and service.

Your wife has a "problem." What she does NOT need right now, as hard as I know it is emotionally for you, is for you to do the equivalent of "abandoning her." It seems patently obvious that she has a very low self-esteem problem that has been causing her to "act out," in the bedroom and in the affair, to gain external appearances of approval to prop up her flagging self-esteem. It can't be done, of course, but the point right now is that if you DON'T "stand by your gal" right now, you may well yank out the last "lifeline" she is clinging to.

IsItWorthIt? I don't know. Do you love your wife? What ISN'T "worth it" for her and for your family? What limitations on your efforts will you place?

Does faith in God play a role in your lives? If so, then you also have the avenue of prayer available to you as the "first line" of defense in meeting problems.

While there is a glaring need for joint Marital Counseling, it would seem equally necessary that your wife obtains professional psychological counseling also.

God bless, and keep posting for your own support and "need to talk about it with someone who has an understanding ear."


Anything else you can say or comment on would be appreciated.

IsItWorthIt,

While I was reading your post, the possibility of sexual abuse in your W’s childhood immediately came to mind… If it was the case, it is even possible that your W isn’t consciously aware of the abuse and don’t know about it. You see, the brain is a very “smart” organ. It can “block-out” traumatic experiences to a level where the person is not consciously aware of it - especially with children. Usually such “repressed” memories have a major influence on the behavior and actions of an adult person. And sometimes, later in life, the adult survivor of the abuse will start to remember “bits” and “pieces”. And this is where the help of a Professional Counselor can come in very handy.

Your W needs to discover the root of her problems and where it’s coming from. Therefore, I think at this stage it is most important and crucial for your W to get Professional Individual Counseling. IMO this is more important than joint Marriage Counseling (at this stage). Your W’s personal problems and issues needs to be addressed FIRST. Without that, Marriage Counseling might be fruitless and/or not of much help.

Did your W ever receive medication and therapy for her depression, obsessive compulsive, anxiety disorder and social anxiety issues and was she properly diagnosed? The psychiatric disorders itself can have a major influence on a person's behavior and sometimes therapy will only help if the person also receives the necessary and appropriate medication to help control those disorders by correcting the chemical imbalances in the brain. And often these disorders have its root in childhood abuse/issues too.

I want to throw a thought out to you. I am a recovering sex addict. I know that the two items above play a key role in sex addiction and it sounds like your wife may be trying to treat her anxiety with sex. You might want to take a look at some websites and see if that is a possibility. www.recoverynation.com www.bethesdaworkshops.org www.faithfulandtrueministries.com

As the other posters here, the thought of childhood sexual abuse came to mind.

I had a friend whose husband suddenly had a personality change..or rather not a change but certain aspects of his personality were exaggerated. He was a classic southern gentleman who suddenly started telling inappropriate jokes at inappropriate times(like there is ever an appropriate time.) It was later discovered that he had a brain tumor that while growing was causing the changes in his personality. When diagnosed he was treated, the tumor was reduced, and his personality returned to normal.

It's good that she's being taken care of by professionals. Share with them her behavior with you. It would be helpful for them because you really don't know how much she's sharing.

I know it's long as I am answering 5 posts so please read on...

Thank you all for your support, comments and advise.

Well, Baring all, we both have been through traumatic sexual abuse when we were children and have gone through our troubles together. She forgets the details whereas I remember everything but cannot place a face. My wife also had an alcoholic father and her family has many psychological issues (depression, schizophrenia, etc). With that being said, I have been the complete opposite and have always kept positive and she has mostly been negative and depressed filled with anger and lies. I have been able to support her in ways she cannot even begin to understand how to provide as I am a very passionate person and express much TLC.

Through all these years I have been very supportive. But in the last year she was literally pushing me away and ended both our EN’s between each other. This drove me away and put me into depression over the last year and I was afraid to approach her during the day. But at night while she slept I would finally be able to release my love and affection for her by holding and cuddling her. She couldn’t push me away when she slept and I would watch her sleep for hours…



She has hurt me in the past and lied (again, I don’t think she ever had an A before). She has been here before questioning why she hurts the people she loves. She has attempted suicide 5 years ago, lied and caused pain and anguish and was treated for it. She was trying to make up for it then. We have many times addressed her inability to control her destructive path. We’ve even discussed the possibility of her having an A should she relapse because she could have 5 years ago with her EX. The warning bells were always there. Maybe the fact that we have addressed it gave her the idea??? She asked the doctors why she hurts the people she loves (just like 5 years ago). He answered “because for some reason you want to cause trouble for yourself and the ones around you”.

We have been very successful a few times in our life together but she finds a way to ruin it. 6 years ago we had everything but she found a way to rid of all our successes then. Currently I am a business owner and founder of a GPS tracking company with 3 major partners on the brink of success. In fact, she had the A when I was out of town introducing my latest development of our next generation product at a trade show. It was our ticket and boy did we have a turn out. But with what happened, I have turned down the new business because I can’t focus nor can I travel with the trust issue I now have of my W and the fact that I don’t feel to well emotionally. I can’t believe I just turned down a 2 million dollar deal. Needless to say the partners are becoming impatient and are not very understanding to my wishes of time off. She ruined it again for us and she realizes it. Not that I put it in her head rather only her realization of what is happening with the company.


The problem I find here is that the passion in me over the last year has been dissipating slowly due to her pushing me away and her ignoring both of our EN’s. Finally within one blow (the A) the passion and love in me has been ripped out. I am this compassionate person because of my lack of TLC from my family due to my brothers childhood spent in surgery, hospitals and body casts. The lack of TLC throughout my life caused me to be the opposite. I’ve often felt that all I needed was my W to strive through life, no matter how much I have been hurt by my family, and be as successful as I have many times. But she took that away slowly over the past year then…I am having a hard time dealing with the anger in me now that I feel all my family and now my wife has betrayed me. We were both on a depressing path and have been experiencing many of the same emotional issues. We both had a rough childhood. Now my wife has to live with the guilt of what she’s done and the fact that her past has betrayed her. I have to deal with the deceit, hurt, pain and the fact that my past and present has betrayed me. With that being said, I have not been able to show love and/or support to my children. They have been staying at my parents (my parents show them more love then they have given me thank god for that) because I am scared of what they will see. I am also afraid of showing the anger that has built up inside me over the last year as my EN’s have not been addressed (my W sees that now). I will NEVER be physical to my children but am afraid of showing frustration in front of them and am afraid they will see the throwing up and the shakes and uncontrollable muscle spasms I have daily. This will scare them and I can’t have that.

I agree with ForeverHers’s comments with respect to “mutual sharing out of love” in marriage. I guess I wouldn’t say that I degraded myself with her idea of the stripper but didn’t want to do it. But at the time I felt she was going to get it elsewhere if I didn’t. I was open to the idea as I did want to put myself aside and place her needs in front of mine as I normally aim to please. But I knew then she would have an A if she had the chance and it was all so wrong at the time (before the A). 2 weeks later I was right, again…


I practiced and had god in my life every day until about 5 years ago when my priest left our church to travel and help out abroad. He has counseled me on a weekly basis throughout my childhood issues until my later years. He has been there for me and I found that I could not replace this with any other priest. I have also moved away from my church and have not gone to our new church. I guess I have let go of my practices and have been slowly losing faith. WOW, I just came to that realization. I should address this.

She has only been diagnosed with what I’ve mentioned thus far. They are counseling on her childhood issues like they have done in the past. I don’t think they have gone far enough yet to properly diagnose her or apply the proper or all the medication she needs.

In conclusion, I realize I must address my issues and insecurities that have developed over the past year but frankly, I can’t afford for both of us. I have check out all avenues in getting myself help but it’s all too expensive with her loss of income. I am really screwed and only have myself to resolve my issues. I am also really contemplating the desire to stay. I do and have always loved her but fear that I cannot bare the pain anymore. I am scared of what she has become and what she will do next. She has always had my support along with counseling in the past but she continually hurts. I am afraid of her other secrets should she have any. I don’t know what to do. Part of (selfish) me cannot support her anymore even though she needs me. I needed her in the past and she wasn’t there for me so how can I possibly be there for her 100 percent. She is now showing every bit of affection and any other EN’s needed but will it last (just like it lasted 5 years ago when she hurt me and like she was trying to make up for her mistakes then) and I fear it’s a little too late sometimes.

Thank you all again for you support.

She is defintely acting out due to past issues in her life. In some ways it can be related to what I mentioned as sexual addition, because what she is doing is trying to manage emotional traumas through sexual acts. If she has OCD, then her obcessive compulsiveness can lock her into alot of this. Again, take a look at the www.bethesdawork.org website. They have counseling for women and men dealing with these types of issues. You can always call and talk to them and ask their opinion. This is a faith based counseling program so it may fit what you are looking for.

IsItWorthIt - Are you looking for excuses to end your marriage or are you truly seeking answers to that question, formed as a natural human response to betrayal and weariness?

If you are looking for an "excuse," let me give you a valid reason for Christians. Jesus Christ told the Pharisees that divorce for "marital unfaithfulness" is the only justifcation for a believer. So you have God's "blessing," even though He would prefer you NOT to divorce (because God hates divorce), to divorce if you feel you must.

However, it is THROUGH trials and tribulations that God works to GROW us in our walk with Him. He teaches the "limits" of human endurance and the "limitless power" of God that is available to us through Christ. What it "takes" to "activate" that promise is our submission to God and our humble obedience to His commands.

Philippians 4:13 puts God's promise to believers this way: "I can do all things through him (Christ) who gives me strength."

Another "answer" to you question is that Jesus CHOSE to be 100% "there" for you, and for me, and for all believers. 100% all the way to the Cross and to death, when we were NOT there for him. Even Peter had finally abandoned him. It was just Jesus in humble submission to the Father....and ALONE with the weight of ALL of our sins. Since you and I have been forgiven and unsurpassably HUGE debt of sin by God on behalf of Christ, can we do less for our "bride" than Christ did for His?

We, believers, do NOT "Fight the fight" in our own power alone. We STAND in the breach, even if death is staring us in the face, FOR God. If we lose our lives here, we gain much in heaven and we don't know how God will use our sacrifice for His glory, but He will....He has said so.

You have wandered away from your faith. So did I. It is a "hard" way to be give a "wake up call," but it's NOT fatal. It MAY teach you things about love and the length and breadth and depth of LOVE that you never knew before. You will learn to love your wife as Christ loves you.

Painful now...yes. But I can attest to the great rewards and faithfulness of God to His promises when we confess our sins to him and surrender to His will in humble obedience no matter how we might be feeling in our human emotions at the moment.

As for your business....not doing what you need to do is using the marital problems as an excuse. From one who just started using GPS last week, it is a greatly needed tool and you should consider the good you can do for many others if your system is as good as you think it is. Shoot, I might even like to see about a franchise!!! GRIN!

Seriously though, you can't change your wife on your own. All you can do is be supportive for now. And you have your family and future to think about also, even if the pain and uncertainty seem overwhelming right now. Get that contract and "Farm out" the work if you have to, but don't quit. Too many of us have done that and it bites us all in the backside when we CHOOSE to blame it on something so we don't have to do the work or "risk" the uncertainty. Here's the "news flash," the uncertainty will be there for years....so how long WILL you wait and how long will your partners let you wait before "running with it on their own?"

Now go, and do the right things.

God bless.

I must admit that I do appreciate all of your help and comments. Your concerns and care to help all in this forum is without a doubt very comforting.


I’m not looking for excuses. This is truly how I felt for a while. Actually, I started confronting my W the week prior to her PA where I was confiding in her that I must get my life back in order regardless of what I could or couldn’t provide. She had her ways to make me feel guilty about not being able to provide what she wanted or required. And when I finally gave her or was able to provide what she “thought she wanted” she found something else to need or be depressed about. She was literally pushing me away and ended both our EN’s which put me into depression (the company also contributed to this depression). I have held much of my pain because she could never handle anyone else’s pain and could not be very supportive. In fact, as timing would be convenient, she made a comment tonight which was “you always protected me by holding your own problems to yourself”. Again, I can’t forget that she has always lied and has been in this position before (not to the extent as having a PA). She has caused so much pain in the past and present that I am contemplating, and have been for a while, that even though I love her so much, I cannot bear anymore pain. I am afraid of the future and have “forgiven” her so many times but fear that I must and will have to keep “forgiving” as she seams, from time to time, do wrong rather than right. I question what is next, will she continue to cause pain and now she may have caused it once to many times. These are my questions I must confront within myself. I must believe she is “fixed” this time and is true to her word but I have been here before saying the same thing. She is very supportive now more so than ever and I appreciate it but question myself again, will it last this time? I am uncertain…


Again, I’m not trying to use any excuses and this is another problem I must admit to. I’ve put my whole heart and sole in this business. I must state the following in order to answer this; You must understand (not to put myself on a pedestal of one of my greatest achievements) what I’ve built, 4 years in design and 2 years in development, is truly admirable to all developers I know and surpasses any design that competitors have spent millions and many engineers to develop. This product is about to catch up with the latest technology and will, due to it’s modular design, allow us to release newer technologies within 6-12 months earlier than any other competitor. But all this had its price to pay… I’ve worked hard and developed this product from ground-up myself as we embarked on this venture with little capital (we started 2 years ago). From that we’ve grown substantially but the work involved along with the pressure took its toll. My partners never held any promises for aid technically and financially as this were their responsibility. They have not heard my call for aid family wise to back off from time to time and I was already thinking of moving on due to the pressures (my wife understood this not to be in my control. At least I thought she understood). My W and I had many discussions about my willing to leave the company due to the time required, the pressure and the cold hearts of my partners. She persisted in me sticking with it for a while and see what would happen after the release of the product. But I was unhappy and feared for my W as I have addressed to her. I hated this company for sucking the life out of me and my family over the past 2 years regardless of my achievement (with the advent of the software release it is much easier now). I felt I didn’t achieve anything because of what it has done to me and my family. This is why I have not been able to put any heart into the company after the bomb hit even though it is doing so well now. I know I have to get my priorities straight but how can I when so much has happened because of it. The concentration is not all there (put it this way, it’s taken me hours to write this response). It’s hard…

Thanks again and god bless you all.

Isitworthit,

You are the closest one to my story since I arrived back here 3 months ago. H and I have been married 4 yrs. He has mental illness (bipolar), and addiction problems of the past, was 6 yrs sober. He was what I thought very stable when we met and married. Sweet, loving, caring man. (I had known him 3 yrs before marrying him). He was faithful in the Lord, goes to many support group meetings, bible studies, etc...In fact his biggest testimony was how far the Lord had brought him, and it looked like much of his mental illness was healed. He really did not have any bad signs of it. Dr's were amazed at his changes. And I didn't see any big problems up ahead. I knew there might be some little ones we would have to overcome, but nothing serious. After 1 yr of marriage he was caught in a few lies, and I began to worry.
Then the ultimate happened 3 months ago, when he went to a Dr's appointment out of town, and didn't come home one night. He stopped at a bar, waited for a prostitute to come in and off he went with her for 2 days, on drugs too.
It was premeditated, as he thought about it first thing in the morning and preplanned how he was going to get it. All he wanted was the sex, but boom the drugs came next. I was floored to say the least. I was called by a police officer that he had been found, and was taken to the psych hospital saying he wanted to kill himself (which I don't think he was suicidal), but he was very high. He was there for 2 wks. I really don't know what happened except his mind snapped back into his past for a time, a psychotic episode, or he was just experiencing so much temptation and gave into it. It still baffles me to think about it. He is remorseful, and shocked that he did it. We were having some marriage problems, but nothing that couldn't be resolved easily. This really did me in. And I have a big problem blaming something like this on mental illness. He now has started a new pdoc, and meds will be changed. I do believe he has been on certain meds much too long. Meds that are addictive.

I always wonder if I will ever be able to trust him again.
We are still together, and it hasn't been easy. I still get very angry, especially when he lies. It's my biggest trigger. He just told a lie last week on a job application,
I was furious. A whole month of him working, taking tests, passing them, many visits to the employer. I was so supportive of him. The employer, a captain, told him he was hired (thats what he believed also by H tests and all). He was given his security guard uniform to bring home. (This is with one of the biggest Security Co. in the country). The next day he received a call that he didn't pass the clearance test. He lied about his background record!!! And he also lied to me about it. So here we go again another lie....when will they end...if ever??

Isitworthit, do not give up on your Co. Mentally ill people have a way of setting things up to fail. Do not let her do that to you. You get back to your business!! And I mean it! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/shocked.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/blush.gif" alt="" />

I have told my H if this happens again, it will be over for us. I love my H, and he says he loves me. But lies and adultery are not showing me love, so I wonder....I wonder if his faith is even real????

Being married to a mentally ill person is the most draining marriage you could ever have. Especially when they are in thier bad cycle or whatever it would be called. They are very "me" oriented, and most of the time unemotional, or on a delusional rollercoaster. It's like...do we have to accept infidelity because he/she is mentally ill...and is capable of doing it at any time???? I cannot accept that. I can accept, tolerate, and get through most problems of a marriage, but lies and adultery, I cannot.

So I have many question marks as you do about my marriage? Know you are not alone! Trust the Lord, ask Him to show you the way. And ask that His grace be with you every day, this will help you through the angry times.

Lady

She has caused so much pain in the past and present that I am contemplating, and have been for a while, that even though I love her so much, I cannot bear anymore pain. I am afraid of the future and have “forgiven” her so many times but fear that I must and will have to keep “forgiving” as she seams, from time to time, do wrong rather than right. I question what is next, will she continue to cause pain and now she may have caused it once to many times. These are my questions I must confront within myself. I must believe she is “fixed” this time and is true to her word but I have been here before saying the same thing. She is very supportive now more so than ever and I appreciate it but question myself again, will it last this time? I am uncertain…

Isitworthit,
This is the exact same way I feel. The pain has been at times unbearable. The uncertainty of each day in our marriage and where it is going, or how it will end up is so difficult. So you couldn't have said it better.

The other day I put this on the refrigerator,
in hopes that my H would pray it every day....and I pray it too!

Prayer of Jabez...

Oh that you would bless me indeed, and enlarge my territory. That Your hand would be with me, and that you would keep me from evil that I may not cause pain. Amen
(1 chron 4:10).

Lady

Ladysheep…You have truly brought tears to my eyes reading your story and feeling the same pain as I. All along I’ve been reading to find someone or some post with the same type of A as I have had to endure. Although unfortunate for both of us, we have so much in common with what we are dealing that I am glad you have shared your story with me. For all you out there, I have read many devastating posts and my heart goes out to all of you.


I agree with you and also am feeling as though I cannot accept lies and the adultery anymore. The lies especially as stated in the FAQ’s that it’s the lies that hurt. Especially since they’ve lasted 12 years and have felt that she had an A 5 years ago when she spent some time with her ex (one who’s abducted her, stole money from her and treated her with little respect). I felt like she had an A with him and couldn’t believe her for almost a year. The only difference between then and now is that I am certain of it this time as she admitted to it when she attempted suicide (a couple hours after her third encounter). Even this time I really think she only admitted to it because the night she left at 2 or 3 AM (her first encounter after they fooled around the evening before in the car), the next morning she told me she had gone to the beach to think. I didn’t believe her and told her later that evening, between her second and third encounter that I had a GPS device in the car and could find out where she had been when I returned home a few days later. But yet again I still felt almost the same 5 years ago and had to forgive her for mental illness and for the lies. She admitted to things slowly over a 3 week period of what she had been up too at the time whereas this time she came out with it (although some of her answers are different than the first time asked which again I feel she is not telling the whole story). Time and time again I have to deal with different answers and must accept it in the end that she finally told me everything (throughout our whole marriage). How much of this can I take or should accept?

I too am having a hard time blaming this on mental illness. As ForeverHers stated.


How cowardly is it that my W is hiding behind mental illness (As I am sure you are also racing through the same thoughts). I do accept the fact that she has a mental illness but, like you, cannot accept the choice of control over the act.

Although I admitted my faith has been lacking, earlier tonight I did ask the lord to show me the way and help me through this pain. I’ve also asked to help me regain the passion that I have along with my principals, standards and moral judgments. I am waiting for this to return in me…

As for my business, not all is her fault in my inability to continue to work at this point. I’ve had many issues with my partners as equal share in the work effort did not existed. Only their push for me to get the product out as my family and I suffered over the last year. They are in the marketing and sales side in which they did not have to put the effort as I had but yet still was very cold hearted when it came to my needs. This is a problem with the company structure as I am a primary owner and founder of the company but have been run to the ground from outside sources and internally between partners as the company’s single point failure was my inability to provide the latest product within ample time (kind of hard to do when I was not given a budget for additional staff as required). I will do my best in achieving my goals and objectives within my Co.

Again, thank you for your post and support. God bless.

WorthIt

IsItWorthIt, underneath is an article I’ve found on the Internet 2 years ago. You might find it interesting:

[color:"blue"] WHY DO WE HURT THE ONE WE LOVE?

One of the most common (and most frustrating) relationship dynamics that we hear about is couples who feel emotionally wounded by each other on a regular basis. They both love each other, and want to stay together, yet they keep hurting each other through verbal abuse, physical rejection, taking each other for granted, betraying emotional trust, or bringing up the most vulnerable topics from their partner’s past. This is a such a common phenomenon that it became the focus of the famous 1944 song by Allan Roberts and Doris Fisher, "You Always Hurt the One You Love", with this bizarre last line: "So if I broke your heart last night, it's because I love you most of all." Huh? That’s clearly not love.

Why do we do this? We hurt the one we love for several reasons:

1) Unconscious re-creation of emotional trauma:

We all experience various degrees of emotional hurt and trauma growing up. Unfortunately, we form part of our identities around whatever we experience, be it love, distance, drama, or verbal or physical abuse. As adults, we may feel most alive or most like ourselves when we are feeling the same way we did as children, and so we may do things unconsciously to get our partner to trigger those feelings. For example, a person who grew up with a lot of distance may feel uncomfortable with closeness, and may sabotage it by picking fights or avoiding intimacy. Or a person who grew up in a chaotic, dramatic home may be uncomfortable with harmony and quiet and always seem to trigger chaos or drama in their relationships.

Also, as adults, our fantasy is that we will find a person who will finally give us the love we never got as children. If we can’t get the love from our original parent or caretaker, the next best thing is to get the love from someone who has a very similar personality to the person we originally feel wounded by. We’ll generally feel a lot of attraction, chemistry and intensity in our love with such adult partners, due to the interlocking nature of our emotional baggage.

But what we may not realize though, is that this person that we fall in love has the perfect tools and personality to emotionally re-create our childhood hurts. After the initial infatuation wears off and we are in a deeper, committed relationship, their fears (and ours) often get activated. And when they get afraid, they will strike out in exactly the same way that our parents or caretakers did. The result? We get wounded again. Only now it’s worse, because the very person who we hoped could give us the love we never got, is hurting us. Not because they ‘love us most of all’, but because they are unaware of their own unconscious defenses.

2) We lack the knowledge and skills of how to communicate our feelings constructively:

Many people may realize how they hurt their partners, and feel like they want to change that behavior, but simply not know how to change, or how to communicate what they are feeling in a constructive manner. Our culture does very little to teach us how to relate to our own feelings, and how to communicate those feelings to others in a safe, healthy way. Men especially may feel uncomfortable dealing with feelings of fear or vulnerability and may feel safer expressing anger or control when they are really scared.

So what can we do to stop hurting the one we love? We all have to take responsibility for getting clear and resolving our own emotional hurts from the past. We need to learn how to make it safe for our partners to express how they feel. We need to learn how to create a loving presence where we genuinely listen and validate our partners’ experience. We need to learn how to express feelings in ways that bring us closer, not in ways that create more distance and hurt. We may need to do some work together to understand how and why we trigger each other to lash out in hurtful and destructive ways. We need to respect the fact that in an intimate committed relationship, we have access to the most private and vulnerable aspects of each other’s lives. We need to treat that as a sacred privilege that we relate to with the utmost respect, not as an entitlement to trample upon for our own ego gratification.

We are all on a journey of awakening, and intimate relationships provide us with a powerful opportunity to see ourselves and our psychological and spiritual lessons more clearly. We can hide from ourselves, from our therapists, from our bodies, from our spiritual teachers and from our friends, but we cannot hide from the one we love and who loves us. All of our stuff will eventually come to light through this mysterious and wonderful process we call love. And when it does, we can choose to defend, judge, attack and run away. Or we can choose to be present, to look inside with acceptance and love for ourselves, and to feel gratitude that this aspect of ourselves has revealed itself. Then can we clearly see that any part of ourselves that hurts others is simply a part of ourselves that needs more love. From this perspective, we hurt the one we love so that we can learn to love ourselves and others more unconditionally, more deeply, and more completely. And by loving and healing ourselves, we ultimately heal our partners’ wounds as well, because we make it safer for them to fully be who they are, and to experience the deeper Oneness and magic that only love can bring to our lives.[/color]

IsItWorthIt - There are several major issues roiling around right now that are ALL impacting you. It's no wonder that you seem almost "frozen" and unable to make cogent decisions.

Let me toss you a "ray of hope," if I may. It's a temporary position and the "dragons" can be slain. But, as with most things, it takes focus and prioritization to begin the process. So this post is NOT intended to be comprehensive and definitive, but it is intended to help you with beginning the process of prioritization and focus that you NEED. To put it in "technical terms," you CAN'T have a "finished product" with the preceeding NECESSARY steps and TIME to put them in place, to wrestle with difficulties encountered along the way when things "don't work the way YOU thought they should."

Let's begin with prioritization in the life of a Christian, if we may. We'll leave "focus" until after we've established a prioritization that works for you.

Here's the general format that we can begin with:

1. God first...always

2. Family second....YOUR wife and children....always

3. Job third....we NEVER put "job" in the "1st Place" or it WILL result in disaster....there can be ONLY one "Sovereign Lord" in your life as a Christian.

4. Everyone else....including the "bloodsuckers" you call partners. It is very obvious that they are secular and "money" is their "god." You are "unevenly yoked" in your business "marriage" and will have many problems even if the product is all that is imagined and even if it is released "on time." "Man" cannot serve two masters, God AND money.

So my point is that IF you truly want the answers to your questions and to "Right the ship of your life," isn't it about time that you actually released the "helm of the ship" to God? Yes, yes, it may seem "scary" at first, if you are at all like me, and "prefer to the driver instead of the passenger. But God is faithful to ALL of His promises to His children BECAUSE of, and FOR, Jesus Christ. God does NOT give His children a rock to eat, instead of bread, when they are hungry.'

When we accept Jesus Christ as our Lord and Savior, it means BOTH things. First that our "unforgiveable sins" ARE forgiven because of what Christ did, not because we in any way "merited" forgiveness ourselves. Second, we acknowledge that Christ IS the one true sovereign Lord and has the RIGHT to be Lord of OUR lives and we have the responsibility to be His servants. We CHOOSE to put Christ on the "throne" of our lives and we CHOOSE to obey His commands, not "go our own way" whenever we feel like it.

So that is "step ONE." Surrender your life to the Lordship of Jesus Christ. Truly make Him the LORD of your life and of all that you do.

IsItWorthIt, God wants YOU first. He is very capable of helping your wife, your business, etc., if that is His will, but He will NOT force His will upon you or upon anyone else. Each of us must, individually, choose to accept Him and to humble ourselves before His will, not our own will.....just as Jesus did in the Garden of Gethsemene as a "model of submission" for us to follow.

IsItWorthIt, God KNOWS exactly how you feel because Jesus Christ was "fully human" and felt all the pain, anguish, and emotions that you feel. Our God UNDERSTANDS as only one who has "Been through it himself" can understand. God gave us our emotions, the tough ones along with the good ones and tells us to NOT let our emotions "rule us." We let God "Rule" in our lives and we don't "give into" our emotions when doing so would be in conflict with God and/or His commands.

You, through your own admission, have gotten things "out of balance" in your life. What I am advocating for you is to get things "back in balance" with God first. The "1st step" or the "1st Priority" is needed before the other steps can proceed. Oh sure, you can "muddle along in them," and will have to do so a while because they are the "consequences" of getting the 1st priority out of balance. ALL things that we do have consequences, so it should NOT be all that surprising that when we CHOOSE to walk away from God, we ACCEPT Satan and the fallen "world" as our "god" and let them tell us what to do and what is "right and wrong" according to our own selfish needs and desires. "God didn't REALLY mean what He said, did he?!?!?," the hissing in our minds goes.

Time will not allow us to get fully into the other points, so just a few brief comments in passing for now.

TRUST, more than love, is your biggest "problem" right now. We will expand upon it later, but for now I want you to truly understand that there is a marked difference between "trust" and "love." LOVE is a COMMAND. You do NOT have an option in that area because it is a COMMAND from God to husbands...."Husbands, love your wives." It is an ACTION, a "verb," not an emotion. Emotions DO follow, but the "act of Love" is a CHOICE.

Trust, on the other hand is much more fragile. It demands vulnerability of your heart and mind. I is like a fragile piece of china, beautiful and delicate, but easily shattered and broken if not "cared for." While love is choice and a command, trust is NOT, unless we are talking about "trusting the Lord" who IS faithful to all of His promises to those who walk with Him.

Rebuilding trust is dependent upon another outside of ourselves. We can love independently, whether we live with someone or not. But "trustworthiness" is in the hands of the person seeking to be trusted. We all tend to blithely give "blind trust" the first time around. But after something like adultery, blind trust is gone forever. TRUST can be reestablished, but only in so far as it is EARNED by the one who "broke the trust." It's one of the reasons why the common lament of the infidel is "why can't you just 'get over it!?," is unrealistic. It takes a lot of time to "prove" that the words have meaning, that real change is permanent, that you CAN trust in YOUR ability to "predict their behavior in any given situation." You are NOT there right now and likely will not be for years. It takes and instant to break the china and YEARS to rebuild the trust.

In my opinion, trust can NEVER be rebuilt outside of Christ. It takes TWO, who become "one flesh," walking with God and HIS Standards and Boundaries. Otherwise, guess who is sitting on the "throne" of the life of at least one of the spouses in the marriage? Would YOU trust anyone other than God, or one "walking with God?"

The Job. Don't you think it's time, if you are the majority owner, that you exercise control? Keeping God in mind, do NOT allow others dictate to you in order for you to "disobey God." Put God first, and all of your plans will succeed....according to God's timetable, not your timetable, and certainly not according to the unbeliever's timetable who are "money hungry" and not "God hungry."

Priority number 4. Have concern and compassion for the "world," as God does. But do NOT surrender your faith even if severely attacked. Put ON the whole armor of God, as described in the Scripture, so that you CAN stand when attacked. Because ALL Christians WILL be attacked. It is a "given" that is revealed in Scripture. If they did all that they did to Christ, why would we expect anything less than being "despitefully used" and even directly attacked? Stand firm. Be a "Warrior in Christ," armed with the weapons He has given us in the Scripture.

More later, but for now, a closing question.

Are you ready to surrender your life to God's Lordship and to obey His commands no matter what you are feeling?

God bless.

Thank you for this post. I found much to be true and agree with it. This article is what I have been trying to have her understand all these years. I will print it and have her read it.

Thanks

ForeverHers, You are right! I am frozen with all aspects of my life. I have never been this way until one year ago. With God guiding me up until 5 years ago when all my successes for the ones that I loved and for myself were ripped from me by the ones that I love (includes my parents and W) and an unfortunate accident.


With this along with the armor of love for my W I’ve always felt that I could do anything if I have something to fight for. But this armor was slowly stripped from me by my lack of faith and my W. My successes led me down many great paths and I have achieved so much. Again, I’m not trying to boast here rather only giving you an idea of what has occurred in my life and the turmoil caused when I lost it all so many times: I’ve graduated in architecture and also as a programmer analyst with a 96.4% average. Upon grad, at 22 I designed an advanced architectural programming techniques program and began teaching, wrote a book and was sold worldwide through training institutions and universities. I became an engineering and design development manager in 6 months (according to standards normally takes 12 years) for one of the largest offshore engineering companies in the world. For 2 reasons this was ripped from me and my family based upon an accident that happened to my W (Since we are Canadians and unknowingly didn’t have the proper insurance she returned home for treatment) and my wife’s unconscious decisions to leave it all behind. Then a year later she had her “episode”. Shortly after that all this ended in bankruptcy. Picking up the pieces, I again became successful in building my company and in the end…well you now know that story.

Again, I have always been strong and prospered but at the expense of pain and anguish. Like I said, one year ago I became week, started to lose control and was walked over. This weakness was 2 fold in failure; my loss of faith and through my wife. I cannot contest to the fact that my faith was poor judgment but can admit to the weakness in me due to my W pushing me away and her becoming her “second identity”.


Let me add another lament of the infidel “Are you ever going to get over this?”. It’s been only 5 weeks what does she expect. And my untrusting questions also led her to admit she was upset of “the third degree”. I’m sorry but she placed me here. It does take a lot of time and with each lie it becomes longer to get over. Unfortunately, I have predicted all the hurtful things she has done that I know of. I knew every time and even though it took time for her to admit many of them I was right. So in my situation trust being the ability to “predict their behavior in any given situation” is only proven in the lies and pain she has caused as I have predicted them but fear she has more secrets as I have only been told of the ones she was caught for (not forgetting she fought me to the death in lies about it).


I am an equal partner not the majority and the problem is I have lost my priorities. I became week in character and will find it in myself again. Again, this weakness is due to my lack of faith and my W pushing me away and the hurt she’s caused. I will take charge someday, I know I will, but realize that I must accept priority one (God) in my life again and rebuild my fighting character to follow my principals, goals and strategies. But this will take time and am working on it (Have been looking for IC to aid in this effort). So to answer your question, a few months ago I knew I must surrender to God and was trying to tell my W that we must find the love in ourselves again. And I agree that finding that love begins with the fact that we must accept God in our lives again.

WorthIt

She is on a pile of meds now including anti-psychotics, anti-depression (she was on anti-depressants but stopped them a few weeks prior to the A). But I fear for the future because I can recall 3 separate times she has been almost as bad as this time. This is really hard for me because if you only knew her, she is a beautiful girl with a nice character everyone can’t believe her swing of character because she has always been known as a shy, respectable and prim and proper woman. But this nasty side haunts me and has haunted me in the past knowingly that she could really blow up one day and hurt in the worst possible way. What could she do next?

Worthit, The same with my H. I was shocked, friends and family were literally shocked that this sweet man could do such a hurtful thing to himself and the family, it just didn't seem like him. My H is on a pile of meds too, but I believe he has been on the wrong meds for years. Now they finally believe me!

It's gonna be hard right now to establish a R with your wife, or even try to understand the whole situation, with her being in the hospital, and the change of meds. I tried doing the MB things, went to MC (which will not work until he has a change of meds and is he stable, so it's out of the question). Even having constructive conversation is very difficult.

I always have this question....will he have another destructive "episode?" I hope not, because I don't know if I could take another one....they would have to put me in the hospital with a freakin' nervous breakdown.


So as I tried to talk, and understand all of this, I become more baffled. Trying to evaluate it makes me crazy, so I am not doing that any more. I am waiting on the med change to see if it makes a difference. And that is going to be a long time, because he will probably be weaned off of the ones he is on very slowly, and then added new ones.

Do you know one of the great things that has happened before and after this is...

About 4 months ago, a pyshc Dr. showed up at church, he was new in town. And he was greeted with honors and flowers.
He preached too. I wasn't there the day he preached, but my H was, and he preached about how many Dr's really do over medicate thier patients, and that he doesn't believe in that. That many pdocs diagnose wrongly, and put many patients on unnecessary meds. He only came there a few weeks. I think he was visiting churches in the area to find the one best suited for his family, and having the opportunity to preach like that was such a blessing.
And I am going to get a tape of his message! Because I see it all now and how God has been working in this.... Because you know what happened.....??
Yesterday, my H had his 1st appointment with his new Dr.
Guess who it was with....yes, the same Dr. that visited and preached at our church. He got a job with the clinic my H goes to for therapy here in town....so I do have hope that my H will be put on the right meds and have the right diagnosis.

I do know God can turn everything around for good, and I hope that happens in our marriage and yours too Worthit, if you choose to stay. I'm giving mine more time.

Don't try to make sense of it all, because you won't be able to. Take things one day at a time. It might help you to get back to work a little more when your W comes home. I know it's hard to concentrate when things seems like they are spinning out of control.

Take some time with your children, they need you right now and you need them.

Lady

Ladysheep, I am happy for you with the blessing you and you H have been given with finding the right Dr and am happy you have decided to give your M more time. I hope for you that your H does finally find resolution in the right meds and help he needs to cure and stop the inevitable of anguish caused by your H’s mental illness. My prayers will be with you.

I on the other hand am continually battling the pain of what’s happened over our 12 years. Tonight, with the intent to have a good night, my W was able to get out of the Hospital for a few hours. She did something that kind of made me feel insecure and guilty. I had to confront this with her and after a few minutes “the lament infidel” said to give it a rest for one night. She was probably right but I told her I was felling insecure and had to address the issue at hand. She did not approve and was quick to run away from conversing with me about my insecurities and the A. She has, for the most part, reacted this way and always found a way out of talking about it (normal reaction I guess). She also told me to stop harping on her past mistakes and lies whereas I replied with “she put herself and me in the position for me to harp on the past lies as I am now back at square one with the resent events and A”. I must harp on her past mistakes and lies as they are a continuous threat to our M and has been for 12 years. Why can’t she see this? Why is she quick to get out of talking about past mistakes and lies? Does this mean she has more secrets when she pulls away rather than confront the lies especially since the only lies she has confessed to are the ones I have caught her with and have confronted her about (with anger on her part and much effort on my part to get her to admit)? I don’t know what to trust anymore. I don’t know if I can trust her feelings or what she it telling me because I question her motives all the time now.

BTW my W is being discharged on Friday and will be attending a psychiatric day program for 18 weeks. The doctors feel that she is ready for MC starting next week with the best MC in town. I feel the same as you and am doubtful that this will work for the time being. Who knows? Only time will tell and we will see what happens.

On the bright side, I am finding the love within myself to share again with my children. I am spending more time with them now as I brought them back home from my parents.

WorthIt

She also told me to stop harping on her past mistakes and lies whereas I replied with “she put herself and me in the position for me to harp on the past lies as I am now back at square one with the resent events and A”. Why can’t she see this? Why is she quick to get out of talking about past mistakes and lies?
My H has said the same thing. I told him now he has made the past a part of the present. I don't like bringing up the past with him either, but he did do the same thing to his ex-wife, she divorced him 15 yrs ago, when thier child was 2, ours is 3. I really thought my H was well, except for a few lies he told.... until this happened.

Worthit, it has been 12 long, long years for you. My heart goes out to you. Having a mentally ill spouse is not easy, the visits must be draining for you. This last time my H was in the hosptal. I visited him 2 times in 2 wks. Thats how angry and hurt I was. It was like "you want me to come and visit you after you just cheated on me, was gone 2 days on drugs with a wh---, I didn't know if you were dead or alive" I was really frightened for him. And it was there that he admitted his infidelity/drug binge.

So anyway... You want a normal loving relationship, but there is always that question now of...what is the next chaos he/she will bring to the marriage or family.

Having to talk about it is very important to you...I know.
And it's frustrating not getting any logical answers, but there are no excuses for it I believe. There still has to be some accountability, illness or not.

It's the difficult times when you don't find her very understanding, and just not quite reasonable at the time. Having a "pretend that it didn't happen and go on attitude." Or a "get over it attitude." Blaming you for harping on it is wrong. She wants to avoid it now and move on, not realizing how difficult it is for you. WS's in general are known to try to do that. And it's hard enough to deal with the infidelity and lies, but a 100 times worse having to deal with the illness too. It's hard to separate it all, and make sense of it, so I don't try anymore. But, I have learned to detach more...it helps me to keep my sanity. And I don't think he likes it.

You may have to wait until MC to talk about your marriage with your wife. The MC, at least will be someone safe to talk to about it. I guess all you can do is see if your wife will have the capability to understand just how destructive and hurtful this has been to you and your family. And see if she is open and understanding to a good plan... and hopefully she can stay on task with a good plan.

My H is in total withdrawl now. Hung out in the bedroom all day yesterday, calling about jobs, and waiting for calls about jobs. Not saying much to me at all. He's trying to get a job working with psych patients, as a peer recovery group therapy leader, this is his insanity right now, that he actually thinks he could do that kind of job. And why didn't they call his references??? He used to be a drug/alcohol counselor, and was good at it, but that was before his illness was diagnosed. No program will support him getting this type of job. One of his job workers said "no" they won't support him going into any human services work...period. And because of what he did last week I'm not as open to listening to his "job talk". I have kindof given up on it. He has to realize he cannot lie and have the support he had before. I have had to detach totally in that area. But, I do hope he finds one. He has a job search worker that spent many hrs with him on his last application, and testing process. And he is disappointed with him too. He played a lot of people, including me with that. So this week he's not seeing much support with it.

He sued the last Co he worked for this year for Workmans Compensation. He had only worked there for 3 months <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/shocked.gif" alt="" />, and got pain in his hands, and now has carpal tunnel. I was very against him going for the Comp because he was also working out, lifting weights heavily at the time. So I think weight lifting could have caused it, but did he tell them that...of course not!!!! He would still have his job there after the surgery and healing, if he wouldn't have went after comp. So did you see me at any of his Comp hearings?...nope! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/mad.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" />


I swear...I could write a book! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" />

Overall, I'm glad that your children are home with you now. How are they dealing with mom being in the hospital?

Lady