Letmejustsay and stilllovingher... You both have valid points.

My husband's analogy on MEN: (in some cases) Men are visual and women need to understand that. It's like driving by Salt Grass steak house and you smell the steak. It makes you want to go home and cook some. You don't necessarily want their's because what you have at home is better.

We women are forced to understand that men are "visual". Well, men, let me present a scenario to help you understand why women have a hard time with this.

This is a little long... but if you hang with me, I think you men might can grasp the woman's perspective. It may seem foriegn to you, just as your visual needs are to us.

Our bodies are our "gift" to you. Yes... GIFT.

Let's present a husband that stops by a corner shop every Friday to pick up roses for his wife. The shop owner knew the man as a boy, and readily gives him 6 roses every Friday to take home to his bride. They are not the prettiest roses, but they come from the heart. Kids are born... household demands are overwhelming and wife starts to need a little more pick-me-up through the week. One Wednesday husband walks in and finds a dozen beautiful peach roses on the counter. Card is signed with some kind of coding that the husband doesn't understand. Husband asks his wife about it, and she tells him that it's nothing... just some roses. Well, I am certain he will be asking more questions about who and why. Monday and Tuesday were rough for her... and she certainly knew he didn't want to go buy some... and loving him the way she does, she didn't want to bother her husband for them. So, she got them from an undisclosed source that means nothing to her.... but they made her feel good. On Friday, the husband stopped off at the store to pick up the 6 roses for his wife. He noticed that his roses are not nearly as beautiful as the ones she just received, but he cannot afford much more than the gas it takes for him to go by the old man's shop. The husband takes the roses home and offers them to her. She tells him how beautiful they are and how special they are. He looks at them sitting next to the ones she received earlier that week. The roses he brought home are a little wilted on the edges and not as vibrant. Suddenly he feels an array of emotions. Sad, jealous, angry.... However his wife doesn't understand this. WHY? It's just roses... they don't mean as much as his flowers.

The next week comes, and on Tuesday, he sees another new dozen roses. Now, this really makes him feel upset. The husband wonders what is going on. His wife tells him again that they just help her get through the week when there is a lot of stress. Suddenly, he starts to wonder if he should keep going to the shop to get her his "gift". Afterall, the blossoms he has given her have never been that beautiful and they don't seem to carry her through her stressful week.

Now, if the wife keeps getting these roses, and the deliveries are say up to twice a week.... How much motivation is left in the husband to return every Friday with his partially wilted 6 roses? He may even try a variety of things to one up the rose deliveries, but she's not paying for the roses, so she doesn't see the need to stop them from coming. They are harmless..... or are they?


A GIFT. My body is my gift to him. Yes, I begin to not want to give it when there are so many better ones out there. He can tell me all he wants that mine is the best, but I am a little wilted and my color is not so bright. I am not blind, I can see that I am. After a while, I don't feel I measure up.

This is what my husband's porn usage was doing to me.

I will cross post this, and make a new thread. I am going to leave it here because I hope this might shed some light for stilllovingher.

Hi, I am 37 yrs old and feel the same way as your wife. I am a little worse. During sex it's "don't tough my fat". I try not to let him see me nude and get dressed out of his view. I had a baby and gained 20 lbs. My husband says all the right things but honestly it's not about him. It's how I feel when I put on my pants that are tight and look in the mirror. I was a size 0 and am 5'1". Now I'm a size 5 and I try real hard not to care. I look around and check out other woman and see that they don't care and feel good about themselves tight jeans and thier belly showing. They're bigger than me. I wish I could be that way. I've never had an eating disorder. I love food. The problem is how she feels about herself and NOBODY will change that. Just keep saying the right things and let her do what she needs to do for HERSELF. Just one word of advice. When my weight does come off I'm waiting to see if my husband does pay more attention than when I had the weight on. That in my own mind is confirmation that I was right and it does matter. So the next time she's naked or whatever be spontaneous NOW and show her that "I have to have you now!" feeling so when you do it later it won't be something you didn't do when she was heavier. It's how she feels about herself. Let her do what she needs to do and you'll reap the rewards.

Beautiful story. I understand what you are trying to communicate. You really feel awful when your H uses porn.

But let me pen a couple of points.
(1) You write: “A GIFT. My body is my gift to him.” Sorry, but this makes me puke. Although I worship my wife, and cannot imagine a more perfect spouse, if she ever said something so condescending as this, we’d have a problem. I do not think that I’d want to sleep with her until she changed her attitude. SF is not about a woman doing a favor for a man; it is about enjoying each other.

If SF is a man’s highest need and affection is woman’s (according to HNHN, if I remember correctly), how would you respond to a man who’d write: “A GIFT. My signs of affection to her as my gift to her.”?


(2) The dozen roses that the woman in the story bought for herself are not real roses, but only a picture of perfect roses. Yes, photographers select the most ideal shots of roses to shoot; it makes no sense to shoot just average roses. Why do that?


(3) If the man in your story sees his W happy with roses, be it real ones from him or pictures of roses that she obtained for herself, why would he feel slighted? On the contrary; he should be happy that his mate is able to provide the needs for roses for herself that would be difficult for him to provide.


(4) Should the man in the story freak out, and start demanding that she stop looking at pictures of roses because she likes roses? Let’s see what the rose-liking wife can do:

(a) although she really likes roses, especially real ones, he can make her go without roses, be they real or pictures thereof, until he gets around delivering them to her. Her level of not being able to see, smell, or touch roses, is frustrating. She needs roses. She simply loves roses. But nonetheless, he is insecure and so he demands that she stop looking at pictures at roses, stop deriving pleasure at looking at pictures of roses in gardening magazines or on TV, even though they are a poor substitute for real roses (no smell, no texture, etc.).

(b) Or he gives in to her craving for roses. He goes out of his way to the store every day, or every other day to buy his wife roses. His pocketbook suffers due to the expense of buying roses. He has to dedicate more time to it from his already full schedule. His ego is crushed because what used to be a nice thing for him to do for his wife turned into a chore for him. He begins to resent having to buy roses just so that her craving for roses be satisfied.

(c) Or he can deliver the roses every Friday as usual, be happy to give it to her, and be happy that she has pictures of roses to pick her up the rest of the week. She’ll be happy. He’ll be happy that she is content.

Which do you think that the couple will agree on? Her being frustrated with the very few roses in her life, or him being frustrated that she is forcing him to buy roses all the time, or him delivering roses as he is comfortable and she be comfortable in posting and looking at pictures of roses in the kitchen to get through the week?

As an overweight women (60 lbs) I can say that my first husband never did or said anything to make me comfortable being naked in front of him, and so I wasn't. I was shy and hid myself the best I could. My current husband has always told me how much he likes my body. His desire to see and touch me has always seemed genuine even though I'd rather certain parts fo me were smaller, flatter, etc., if you catch my drift. If he gets enjoyment out of touching me why should I deny us both the pleasure? I believe my husband's attitude did a lot to make me secure enough to be comfortable being naked in front of him, even though I'd prefer my body if it looked different. For us, the physical experience of lovemaking is enhanced by the added emotional connection when we can see & touch each other during love making, so much so that we rarely make love without a dim light on. Perhaps compliments about your wife's appearance at times other than intimacy will help her become more self confident and trusting, both of which are required for her to be comfortable being completely open (and naked) with you. Hope this helps.