Margie, You are grieving the loss and withdrawl of OM.

What does Harley suggest for your marriage?

What does Harley suggest you do?

I think MC helps, especially w/ the Harleys...but I am wondering if IC would benefit you first....then MC.

I'm not saying to leave your H, but get some IC first to work on issues within yourself first.

What do you think?

You really are so fortunate that you have a H at home that loves you unconditionally...

Does he feel rejected by you? Or is he just waiting for the woman he married to show up again?

Lady

I know I am in withdrawal. I have not told Dr. Harley about the additional contact. That will happen tomorrow. I have told him that while I have started working on our recovery plan, nothing feels right about it. I don't have the feeling I would assume would be there in order to make the M work. Dr. Harley says that they will come.

I think I do need IC before I really start back with MC. We had the appointment already scheduled with Dr. Harley and I have agreed to keep the appointment.

My H does feel rejected...along with used, lied to, sad, ... He is a good man.

I know that the A was not a good thing. I know it was not based on truth or reality.

Hello All,

I am Margie's H. I've posted for a while and many of you can read my posts. Margie may not like some of them.

Margie - I am really happy you decided to post here. I hope it can help you find your way.

Most times, I actually don't feel rejected. I mostly feel confused. I thought things were getting better. Then I found about renewed contact. I understand that has set things back. I just wish we were not back to questioning the original goal of having a happy marriage.

I guess folks should know that Margie and I have not lived in the same house for most of the last 8 mos. I think this has also made things difficult.

Margie, oh Margie <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Tell me how old you are, please, please.

I have a reason for asking. Now it is that I hear (see) you saying good things about your husband. That is very, very positive given that good men are hard to find, so I have been told.

And I did pick up some positive images of your OM, who is defined by his willingness to have an affair with a married woman - NEVER forget that, please.

I have an early opinion with not much to go on, so please treat this in the context of an early opinion. You have asked for thoughts, so I am going to share mine with you.

I think you have a classic case of a need for passion in your life. I think you are going through an emotional crisis in life that is usually found with women between 30 and 35 but can happen at any time.

I could say more, but won't. And this is just my opinion.

Over in the recovery section of this support group forum, please take a look at thhis posting

http://www.marriagebuilders.com/ubbt/sho...;page=1#2860883

See if that strikes a chord.

//Larry

I am 36. Thanks for the information.

I don't have the feeling I would assume would be there in order to make the M work. Dr. Harley says that they will come.

Margie, I believe Dr. Harley is right....he knows best. I know you can't see it right now, but if you stay you will. You just can't stand your pain, withdrawl, and the unloving emptiness you feel, and you think the best way to fix it is to run.
But recovery doesn't happen overnight. I think you want a quick fix to this, and that just isn't gonna happen.

How many years have you been running from problem areas in your life, instead of taking a look at them, and trying to find the right solution.

I think you should still talk to Dr. Harley, but I think IC would do you well too.

Lady

I haven't always felt like running from my problems. In fact, I don't normally because I'm too busy trying to make everyone around me happy. I have done this at the expense of my own happiness for many years.

I'm not doubting Dr. Harley and his techniques. I just don't know if I'm willing to take action.

Margie, What is it that you don't love or like about your H?

Margie - Please, Please try and relax. Seriously. My wife is almost the same as you - she could have written what you said above word for word.

Please understand and attempts at reconcilliation are useless until you get through withdrawal and come out of the fog. Please do yourself a favour and read the Surviving Infidelity FAQ's in my sig below. They really helped my wife and I to go through the ugly process of withdrawal. Just be patient and give it time. Do what Harley says. Believe me when I say the love will return if you follow the steps..

Margie:

There are a ton of clues in what you say. Those clues are going to lead you to happiness. I can almost guarantee it.
I am curious - did you take a look at that posting link I put up for you? Just click on it and take a look.

You are at a low spot in your life. Dr. Harley can really help you. Let him show you the way to the happiness you deserve. You are in a mind set of many different and conflicting emotions. I can tell you that my wife felt much as you do at one point in time and that today she is happier than she has ever been in her whole life.

Give it time Margie. You will get there <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

//Larry

Hi Margie,

I just want to say that it is OK to feel the way you do. Your feelings are valid. Also remember that feelings are transient. You do not have to make the decision to save or end your marriage today. Or tomorrow. Just put one foot in front of the other and take it a day at a time.

<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

I agree with Shattered. There is no hurry here. I would suggest making a 6 month commitment to try. That way it won't seem so hopeless. Just worry about the next 6 months.

Margie,

During and just after my affair, I was CONVINCED I had married H for the wrong reasons, and my whole 6 year marriage up to that point had been a sham.

I couldn't even begin to tell you how wrong I was. I remember my mom telling me she SAW love from both of us - and I had to go back and remember, and I said - Mom you were imagining things, or seeing things YOU wanted to see.

The thing is - my mom was right.

It took me being out of a negative cycle and our of my affair. Those good memories came back bit by bit. My H has admitted he understands that now, as after his A, he has experienced the same thing - memories going back to the way they should be.

I would suggest sticking with your marrige for atleast 6 months. Getting you and your husband to fill out a EN form. And giving him the chance to meet your needs. And as rigid and unnatural as it may feel at first to try to meet his - do it - help it become a regular thing for you - help your giver come back out.

You will find that your feelings will change.

During this time, I want you also to dig down deep inside you and figure out why (Besides the 3-4 years of not loving your H) you really had the affair. What allowed you to break your morals...instead of telling your husband first, divorcing him, then meeting someone else. You hadn't left yet - you waited for someone to come along. What in you allowed that - this will be the hardest part.

If you don't figure it out - it could happen in ALL your relationships...

Margie, your feelings are pretty normal for a WW who is in withdrawal. Your feelings will change dramatically over the next few months, I promise you. That is why it is a huge mistake to make any decisions based on your feelings. They will change daily. In other words, your feelings are very temporary, but any decisions you make might be permanent.

I would suggest riding it out and seeing what transpires before you make any decisions. We have so many WS's, just like you, who ended up falling back in love with their spouses. That may very well happen with you; and it may not. But if you don't try, you won't know.

I do know that your recent contact with the OM put your recovery right back to Day 1, so you have to start over again. That is why no contact is absolutely essential.

Glad you're here, Dorry. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Let me expound on what Dorry said about figuring out about where you are and how you got there. As Dorry said you waited for someone to come along instead of packing up your bags and leaving your marriage. It shows something about yourself that you need to examine. You also want to know how you met your husband and why you married him or you will repeat the same marriage. I have used me as an example before, so I'll do it again.

I came from a single parent home where my mother was divorced twice before I was 6. I had half brother that I cared for most of the time. I took care of the house, cooked the meals, took care of the yard, took care of the cars, basically became the surrogate husband and dad. And my mother had many emotional issues so my role as surrogate husband included filling her emotional needs with presents and cards at birthdays, holidays, and making sure I did special things for her.

My wife came from a family where she didn't get a lot of attention or love. She didn't feel special or appreciated. Along comes me who is use to treating my mom special, so guess how I treat my new girl friend who is not accustom to such things....she gets the royal treatment and eats it up and in return provides me the appreciation I needed.

So basically dysfunction married dysfunction in order to meet each others needs. Had we divorced along the way we probably would have repeated that same pattern. I would have found someone needing attention and willing to give me the appreciation I was looking for in return.

So unless you know your dysfunctions and who you are, you may end up with someone more disappointing than where you are right now.

I'd like to take another point that Dorry made one step further, just to help you out friend.

You said...
Dorry mentioned that at the height of her affair, and for a considerable time afterwards she felt like her whole marriage had been a sham...like she'd never truly loved her husband.

My wife, at the height of her emotional affair and in the various MC sessions and numerous discussions we had immediately after d-day told me repeatedly that 'I've not been happy for YEARS!!!'.

I couldn't see it. I could see where things had gotten bad over the last year, where she'd been layed off from work due to a broken ankle, she'd completely cut herself off from her family playing online games and had totally withdrawn from the 'real world'...to include me and the kids. I could ESPECIALLY see it in the last two months prior to d-day, where she had worked so hard to shut herself off to me completely. But unhappy for years?? No way...and NO ONE else could see it either. She told us all that she'd just put on a happy face while she was so desperately unhappy all those years.

But...then we started to reconcile after d-day. And her memory of our marital history began changing...began matching that of everyone else. She hadn't been unhappy in the last couple of years. Then she got to where she'd only been unhappy for about the last year...then she finally got to where she could see that the majority of THAT unhappiness was self-inflicted.

The truth was that I DID make some mistakes in our marriage, and had started to give up myself when I just couldn't get any kind of love back from my wife. But...I'd been an awesome husband and father for at least 15 years prior to that.

It's VERY common for a WS/FWS like yourself to 're-write history'...and it's not something that you're doing intentionally. You're looking back at that history through the lens of your affair...and it's changing what you're seeing to something different than what likely was really the case.

I'm not attacking you here...please don't take it that way. What I'm trying to say is that you shouldn't look back at your marriage right now and think that you're doing so in an unbiased way. You can't trust your own judgement of how your marriage was...it's distorted by what you've recently gone through.

Right now, you're still in withdrawl. The best way to deal with this is to get it over with once and forever. Act like the OM is dead...because in order for you to have a chance, he IS dead to you from now on. NO MORE CONTACT EVER. NO MATTER WHAT.

Grieve for what you lost...that's normal. Talk with your IC and MC about that. Ask your H to come here and read about this stuff...read the book Surviving an Affair.

And once you've got the worst of the grief out of your system, be ready to be surprised at the fact that you still love your husband. That he's the same man you've loved all these years. It happens all the time. My wife went through exactly this...I remember the weeks of sleeping on the loveseat while she was on the couch (neither of us could bear to sleep in our bedroom) listening to her cry herself to sleep because she felt that she'd lost the love of her life. She TOLD me that's what she felt.

But once she got over that grief, she saw I was still there, still loving her, and still the same man she'd fallen in love with all those years ago. And she fell in love with me all over again. You CAN do the same thing here...you just have to give it time, get some help working through this, along with your husband, and above all...END CONTACT WITH OM.

Again, please don't think I'm judging you or attacking you...I'm simply hoping you can see a glimmer of what can happen through what I've been through, along with others here on this board.

Hang in there friend.

Margie,

To summarize Owl's post...perspective. It is all about perspective and yours will change with time. Give it the time and see what you see.

Oh, by the way, recovery is NOT easy, but the effort of trying will free you. It will either restore your marriage and thus you both will be happy, that is after all the goal of recovery. Or you will give it your best effort, work your tush off, and oddly BOTH of you will realize it won't work. If that were to happen, you will leave your marriage with regrets, but not remorse for you have given it your best. In short you cannot lose IF you will give this an honest shot and endure the withdrawal, the grieving, and the introspection that comes with recovery or an attempt at recovery.

But, what I and everyone else is saying is that the effort of this, the going through withdrawal, the griefing will change your perspective. There is little chance that your current perspective will remain, EVEN IF you eventually decide to leave the marriage.

So Margie while it looks like a long shot, take it. You will have to go through most of it anyway, so you might as well do the whole thing. And yes, this is tough stuff.

Hang in there and many things will become clear to you.

God Bless,

JL

Wow, Dorry, Owl, Askme, JL and the others have posted some great stuff.

Do we expect u to doubt most of it? Yes.
Do we expect u to mistrust yourself and others? Yes.

Is recovery one sided? No.

Is recovery going to be a challenge? Yes.

Can you both recover? Yes. Individuall 1st, together in your M 2nd.

Read those posts from Dorry, AskMe, Owl and JL again. Several times. Reality will hit you soon. It takes a while.

If u r a giver, being a taker w/b harder t/d. Once you figure out it is ok to accept help, you will start to heal. Until then, you are the one who w/b holding yourself back.

Continue your sessions with Steve.

Let your H post here (if he doesn't already). You can post together or separately. Both ways have been done. You both need to respect each other's posts (that s/b a requirement).

Learn each other's ENs.

I have one more question: What do you appreciate about your H and what changes have you noted in him? Has he plan A'd you?

take care and welcome to MB,
L.

Margie's H does post here. Its me.

I have plan A'd, but it has been very difficult since Margie has not been home a lot during the last 8 mos.

Thanks for all your advice.