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Hugs back atcha. I do not think you are AT ALL overreacting to this. It would be good if one of the captains could switch, especially if he were willing to be quite stern with her if she called. (If you had the phone, she would probably call even more.)
At least in my experience, contact with the OW will grow more and more toxic for you as time goes on, and it's bad enough now. Your H needs to accept this, even if he doesn't understand, and should support you in moving whatever mountains need to be moved.
His biggest job in R is to protect you from additional hurt - it will take plenty of time and energy just getting over the hurt you have already suffered. That is hard enough without adding a fresh onslaught of reminders of what he did, and continually bringing up the feelings of resentment toward him, because his bad choices put you in this predicament.
It is a vicious cycle that will not be broken until you take her out. Of the loop, that is.
I am totally with you on this one.
A smooth sea never made a skilled mariner.
~ English proverb Neak's Story
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The long progression of Gargamel from misunderstood victim to vicious predator reminds me very much of C.S. Lewis' "The Screwtape Letters". 'Uncle Screwtape' went from being a kindly, avuncular advisor, to devouring the soul of Wormwood and savoring every morsel. Screwtape was exactly the same sort of evil being at the beginning as at the end, but it took time to reveal the full depths of his perfidy. (This is not meant to be a commentary as to where Gargamel will end up. God will be her judge, and I pray that he will save her. As I told AJ, the fact that I feel the need to ask God that if He does save her, to please at least put her mansion on the other side of the city is a flaw in me, not in the Great Plan.) The first couple of emails from her after NC Letter #1 on May 5, were angry and lashing out, but I tolerantly (<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" />) overlooked that. It was only understandable, as the poor thing had been terribly hurt by my awful husband; trapped by his inability to choose only one woman. (<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" /><img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" />) Everything was poor, poor Gargamel, and wicked, wicked husband. Even during the A, I defended her to my MIL, who for some reason seemed to think that she was amoral and sleazy. That mindset carried over into the excessively sympathetic way I treated her. After she wrote how she was going to have to call in sick for several of her shifts, because she couldn't keep food down, I dropped off some popsicles, fresh fruit, and crackers, because I felt bad and blamed AJ for how awful she was feeling. Her first letter was a real eye-opener, more so now that I am not surrounded by wisps of BS fog. I have put it on here a couple of times before, but I think it fits into this part here very well. Neak-(and you to AJ if you care to read on)
Thank you for trying to sympathize with my situation. I am going to tell you some things for two reasons, one to help me get my feelings out, two maybe it will help you understand what AJ and I had. I'm sorry if some of this is hurtful to read.
I am not expecting you or AJ to respond to this, again I just need to get it out.
I have so many thoughts and feelings as I'm sure you both do. It should be easier for you two because you have eachother. As for me, it will be very difficult because I have only a few people I consider friends here, I spent all of my time at [the job where we met].
My relationship with AJ isn't something that my friends know about,(they just knew we were good friends and I was helping with the business) therefore I cannot talk to them about it. Only three people know about it, 1 person in CA, 2 in WI, and 1 in MO. As far as my roommates go, they don't know AJ is married, I told them that AJ broke up with me because he didn't feel he had time for a commitment.
I am going to due my very best to fight the depression that I am feeling, but loosing your best friend and lover all at once is very difficult. You see, when I needed a friend Jack was there for me, with words of encouragement and advise. I no longer have that. After my job interview, I sent AJ a text message telling him I was done and asking if he was up yet. The only response I got was "check your e-mail"
As I'm sure you have figured out, I was devastated to read that e-mail. Even though AJ made it very clear he wanted no contact with me, I wanted to be there to comfort him, you leaving with the children crushed him. But I respected his wishes and have not spoke to him since then except through the e-mails which you also read.
I want you to know that when AJ and I began to see eachother it was as friends only, and over time we became closer. AJ truly believed that you and him could not work out the differences you have. I had no reason not to believe him, so we began to see where our friendship could lead. It lead us down a path which changed all of our lives. I don't know if you have ever heard the song "The Dance" by Garth Brooks. In case you haven't, here is the part of the song that I can not get out of my mind. "I'm glad I didn't know, the it all would end, the way it all would go, our lives are better left to chance, I could have missed the pain, but I'd a had to miss the dance." The "dance" with AJ was worth the pain I must endure now. For now, AJ and I must go on living separate lives, until you two figure out if you can fix your marriage, and if you do I hope that someday we can be friends again.
I was told long ago, if love something you can set it free and it will come back to you, if it doesn't then it was never really yours. You have forced AJ to be free of me by using the children, I'm not going to lie, I never do, it is my hope that AJ will come back to me someday. I know your hope is the same, that he will stay with you and I don't blame you for that, he is a wonderful, caring man and any woman would be lucky to have him.
I know it must have been hard for you to know that we were together, just as it was hard for me knowing he went home to you every night and you slept together.
What kept me wanting to be with AJ was the closeness I felt. You should understand that, I'm sure at one point you and AJ had that. Never in my life have I felt that way, and I was in a relationship for 8 years.
When AJ and I were in public, we did not act any differently than two friends. When we were conducting business for the Corp. we both acted very professionly. Neither AJ or I would conduct ourselves in a manner that would hurt the Corp. I'm sure you know the great lengths I have gone to help the Corp. both with my time and finances.
I know you think that everytime we were together that we had sex, that couldn't be further from the truth. A majority of our time together was doing things for the Corp. Furthermore, when we did have sex, he used a condom. And you somehow think we had @n@l sex....we never did, it is a personal -embarrassing joke, ask him to explain it to you.
Thank you for letting me get these feeling out, its really hard when you have no one to talk to. I hope that even those of you who read this and have WS's of your own, are able to clearly see a number of gigantic gaps in the logic here. Even for me, when I was not able yet to step back and get a clearer look - but I felt I had to somehow explain myself to her and clear up the misunderstandings so she wouldn't think I was a bad person. (I come from a long line of over-explainers anyway, lol.) I hope you can also see some glaring gaps in my "logic". WHO CARES WHAT THE OP THINKS OF YOU??????? I wrote her back a horrendously long letter, telling what in our M led up to the A, explaining that I really hadn't been using the children against AJ, yadda yadda. I closed with this: This is getting really long, and I have to go get busy again, but if you need to vent, feel free. Even if something is hard for me to hear, I don't mind. I'm not some cream-fed b----- sitting here gloating at your misfortune. I'm a tired, worn-down, sad wraith who knows full well what you're feeling, and I only wish there were something more I could do to help. Again, please take care of yourself and I hope you get well soon.
Neak Very, very telling. Boys and girls, there is such a thing as too nice, and I was it. Jesus says to love your enemies, and do good to those who hate you. But, as I have come to learn, in a case like this the ONLY good you can do your enemies, without causing damage to yourself and your family, is to pray for them sincerely and leave them completely alone.
A smooth sea never made a skilled mariner.
~ English proverb Neak's Story
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Oh, I suppose I should include this little snippet of my first Dear Gargamel letter, even though it reflects badly on me and shows how naive I was. (Maybe I should put it in precisely because of those things. I hope my mistakes can spare someone else the same problems.) Again, thank you for what must have been a difficult letter to write. I think by this time we can pretty much take for granted that neither one of us is going to deliberately say anything to hurt the other one's feelings. Sometimes hearing the truth can hurt, and anything to do with this whole thing is painful to me (and I'm sure to you, too), but it helps having everything out in the open. Ah, so young, so unlearned. Take for granted? HA!!!!!!!!!
A smooth sea never made a skilled mariner.
~ English proverb Neak's Story
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Hmmmm. I just saw my email from May 22, which was the first time I asked her to provide a total of the money owed. She finally sent it last month.
A smooth sea never made a skilled mariner.
~ English proverb Neak's Story
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This is probably the safest place to talk about AJ's Christmas present. I am making it from scratch, and am already bored with it, but it's still fun in a way. Kinda.
AJ picked out the yarn I used to make Baby Dillon's blanket. It was so soft and warm he wanted something out of it for himself, too, and of course as a memento.
Since I don't know how to make socks, slippers, gloves, hats, or anything else useful, I am limited to crocheting a scarf. It is a very nice scarf, but after 2 days it is not quite 3 inches wide.
I think I can finish it before Christmas, but it may turn out to be a good thing that I got sick so all I feel like doing is lying around crocheting anyway. At least he is working the next couple of days, so I don't have to wait until late at night after he goes to sleep. That will help.
Why didn't I think of it before??? I could have made him a headband.
Anyway, shhhhhhhh. Don't tell.
A smooth sea never made a skilled mariner.
~ English proverb Neak's Story
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Hey, Neak--guess what? Your book is finally on Amazon.com, but I want to know why, if they can sell it at a discount, we can't. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/mad.gif" alt="" /> They don't have a picture of the cover, though. However, it looks like a customer can post one if they want, so how's about you scan your book cover and get it posted today? All that bright red would be a LOT more eye-catching than the empty white square reading, No Image Available. Now I'm going to go and look to see if you're on Barnes and Noble, too.
t&l
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Yup. There it is, also pictureless. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/mad.gif" alt="" /> But Amazon.com is cheaper. Well, what do you care? You get your $1.08/book <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/ooo.gif" alt="" /><img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/ooo.gif" alt="" /><img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/ooo.gif" alt="" /><img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/ooo.gif" alt="" /><img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/ooo.gif" alt="" /><img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/ooo.gif" alt="" /> regardless. t&l
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Neak,
Do you mind sharing the name of your book? If you posted it in another thread, I missed it. I love to read and have even been known to pen a few items myself. Alas, none of my novels have made it to print.
thanks
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I don't mind at all. *blushing bashfully* (Well, not too bashfully. I love to talk about writing!) Finally, only 9 or 10 months late, I am on Amazon.com, and the book is much cheaper there than anyplace else that I know of. But, they don't have a picture. So here is a link with the cover painting. And since you like to read, the publisher has a bunch of other awesome Biblical fiction if you are interested. My personal favorites are Joseph, Ruth & Boaz, and Esther. (Most, if not all, should also be on Amazon.com as well.) Bible stories like this were always my favorite reading material growing up, and when I ran out of stories to read I decided I'd better help out, instead of just complaining. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" /> What do you like to write?
A smooth sea never made a skilled mariner.
~ English proverb Neak's Story
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<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/blush.gif" alt="" /> A little slow on the uptake, but I just saw Mom's posts above. I'm on Barnes & Noble too??????
A smooth sea never made a skilled mariner.
~ English proverb Neak's Story
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Thans for the link <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />
I write Christian fiction. I have been published in a couple of devotional books and a couple of magazines but not for my fiction.
I have been journaling this journey since d-day. I am planning to write it in fiction form after my hysterectomy in mid- march. I figure I will have plenty of time. It will also be right slap-dab in the middle of the time their A was so hot and heavy via internet chat. I am hoping it will be good therepy since I will have a few weeks of no IC.
My IC is a Christian and thinks it is good for me to use my writing and my art as therepy.
I know the journaling and letters never sent have been good therepy. I hope putting it all down in a story format will be even better.
blessings!
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So..........
Things were very quiet on the Gargamel front once C resumed. She emailed her hours to me each week, once in a while asked me a question, such as one time when she had to make an incident report, where I had to then ask AJ. She was all but blaring trumpets to show me how cooperative and obedient she was being, whilst she tried to lure him to Hawaii and other far-off places. (He just told me the other day that she wanted him to go back to Wisconsin with her for Christmas to meet her family. Definitely some long-range planning going on, from her anyway. I don't think he thought much farther ahead than the next illicit phone call.)
Everything was hunky-dory until the delivery of The Box. Of course she started yelling and screaming, figuratively speaking, but after that every time she quieted down for a bit, I would grow very agitated because before that had meant contact, and it triggered me badly. I looked frantically for contact, and when I couldn't find any well, that had to mean I just wasn't looking hard enough so I looked even more frantically, checking everything over and over and over.
When I still couldn't find anything over a period of time, I finally had to acknowledge that maybe, just maybe, I wasn't finding anything because there wasn't anything to find. I check a lot even now, but it is leaning more toward making sure she isn't trying to get him to break NC than thinking he has already slipped back.
I need to go see why it sounds like the tub is running. (Another Dervish story in the making? I hope not!) If I can, I'll be back for a few before I have to leave.
A smooth sea never made a skilled mariner.
~ English proverb Neak's Story
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Oh, hi MF.
I think it would be wonderful if you could incorporate your experiences into a book; I think most of the people who have written about infidelity in fiction probably didn't experience it themselves. Certainly nothing I have read in any piece of fiction compares to what I have been through, and I'm sure it's the same for you.
If you are anything like me, journaling is probably one of the best things you can do. Writing about something always helps to clarify my thoughts.
A smooth sea never made a skilled mariner.
~ English proverb Neak's Story
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Writing about something always helps to clarify my thoughts. So does talking. Did I ever mention she has very clear thoughts? <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" /> Here is a picture of the cover that you don't have to allow cookies in order to see, in case that makes a difference. The one on the left is the actual cover. On the right, I returned my son, Neakbro's, whiskers (plus a few more) to his face, after the artist deleted them from the picture we submitted for a cover idea. As an added benefit <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/confused.gif" alt="" />, you can look at other pictures in Neak's family album after you see the book cover. If you like, of course. Malchus, Touched by Jesus/Malchus, Retouched by Susan t&l
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P.S. Neak, I'm not sure the abbreviation "MF" is a good idea. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/blush.gif" alt="" />
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Another day, another Dayquil. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/pfft.gif" alt="" /> Ick. The tub was not too bad; I caught it in time. Mostly it was Mr. Computer, but the Dervish was egging him on as he splattered watter out of a container. Kids! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" /> *************************** Once we began a true recovery, it didn't take long (perhaps several hours? <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />) for any contact between Gargamel to become intolerable. Except that I had to tolerate it, because of the loan and my position as royal check-signer. She took advantage of the situation to slash at me, or get in little digs to hurt me. Thanks to God's grace, and my dear friends here, I responded each time in a professional, businesslike way, and ignored (so far as she could tell) what she was trying to do. Quite a few times I had to smash chairs over on Idiotville until I could be civil, but I did it. By the time AJ & I got back from St. Louis it had become obvious that we were going to have to shut the business down. The oustanding debt another company owed to us and our factoring company was choking us, as the factoring company was withholding 40% of our income until the other company paid. (They still haven't, and we are having to sue.) The remaining 60% was not even enough to make payroll, and just before the end of the A, AJ had applied the money that should have gone right back to Gargamel, to payroll instead. Which is how that whole mess came about. On July 12, she sent me an email and cc'd AJ, saying that I had not responded to parts of her previous email. She's right, I ignored all the bad stuff. My best guess is that that is when she found out she had been blocked from his email address, most likely from logging in to see if he had opened his email, only to discover it wasn't there at all. Whether I am correct or not, and I think I am, she had at least discovered it by the end of July. Several times AJ had me emmail him something while he was at work, and it never got there. We just thought something was wrong with the system and thought no more about it, until one day AJ went into his mailbox and every single email was open already. He asked me if I had done it, and I hadn't. Suddenly suspicious, I checked all his settings, including the email blockages. To my great surprise, I found that her email address was unblocked, and mine was blocked. I still get a bit indignant thinking about that. I AM HIS WIFE!!!!!!!!!! But I took care of it, all right. What I did next was very naughty, and I bet you can guess what it was. I left everything just as it was......for a few more days.
A smooth sea never made a skilled mariner.
~ English proverb Neak's Story
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Well, I am still such an innocent that I had to think for a long time before I guessed what might be wrong with that cute little abbreviation. Sharp as a tack, that's me.
A smooth sea never made a skilled mariner.
~ English proverb Neak's Story
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A tack? Yes, I suppose it's possible. Perhaps after its point has been hammered on repeatedly! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" />
t&l
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wow, you made the big time- Amazon $ Barnes and Noble
Congrats!
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Yeah I need to change my name - MF seems to have other meanings <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" /> oops.
You are so right on the books about infidelity paiting a wrong picture. I have had a fairly 'easy' time since nc was in place before I found out, withdrawal was over, etc. However, it has not really been easy. The emotions are not something you can paint if you have not been there.
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