Congrats on being skinnier!!!! That rocks!

I'm praying for you tomorrow. Female problems are nasty. Believe me, have expeienced enough of those lately.

You are doing great <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Wow, not_so_you_neak! A heckuva story.

Thanks, MoFo. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/blush.gif" alt="" /> I'm still smiling. And trying not to make cow noises, cuz I really am better than that. Also, thanks for the prayers. They will be much appreciated today as I get checked and whatever else.

Hi RiverTam, glad I could help pass the time. You seem to have a much better instinctive grasp of this than I did, wow. Looking back, I can't believe I thought they could ever just be friends again, and that there was a problem with me for not being able to accept that. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" /> I mean, he tried to reassure me he wouldn't be screwing her after that first time. "I think we're past that now." Double <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" /><img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" />.

AJ is gone overnight, but somebody (hopefully me) will be around later on with an update. In the meantime, MUST ZOOM AND CLEAN HOUSE! (And maybe try to sneak in a few minutes on the stationary bike. Wouldn't do to lose my girlish figure. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />) (("Exerseecize" is what the Princess calls it.))

Don't have too much fun without me. I'll be back.

Well... I've messed up plenty! Plenty enough to make me break out in a cold sweat about not working to "plan". We're all naïve, at least, up to a point. And it's a naïveté based on trust. I mean... what kind of marriages would we have had, often for decades, if we were mistrustful and suspicious? We trust our spouses and they KNOW this and abuse it. It's reprehensible.

Duplicate post on behalf of the blob sprawled across her sister's bed..........



Well, we're done and home. Neak post-general anesthesia is a fairly-amusing person, however, not quite as amusing as Neaksis was after being anesthetized once for wisdom tooth extraction. I've always wished I had THAT one for America's Funniest Home Videos. If she were a drunk, let me just say that she'd be a very happy drunk!

The doctor told me (I was the only coherent one between the two of us) that there was some tissue up there and she hoped that removing it would be the answer to all the current difficulties. Good news to the squeamish and delicate among us. Two weeks of pelvic rest have been prescribed, so we easily- <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/blush.gif" alt="" /> ones don't have to worry about any additional autobiographical or instructional episodes for at least a few more days! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/eek.gif" alt="" /><img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/eek.gif" alt="" /><img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/eek.gif" alt="" /><img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/eek.gif" alt="" />

t&l

ROFL at T&L's delicate nature <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

I hope the tissue removal takes care of the problem.

Two weeks of pelvic rest will only give her more time to use her imagination to come up with new and different entertainments for us all to enjoy after her next insturctional post <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/shocked.gif" alt="" /><img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/shocked.gif" alt="" /><img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/shocked.gif" alt="" /><img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/shocked.gif" alt="" /><img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/shocked.gif" alt="" /><img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/shocked.gif" alt="" /><img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/shocked.gif" alt="" /> My delicate feelings have been cruelly and casually trompled. Sniff.... <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />

I think I'll go home now. Of course, I was going home anyway, so it doesn't mean much, really.......

t&l

Awww, didn't mean to tromp on your feelings. I just think we ALL learn so much from Neak. Not sure how there can be any delicate natures left around here <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

My delicate feelings became extinct about the same time as the dodo bird. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" /> It was a joke. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" /> Are we laughing yet? Actually, I guess I'm going to Neak's house. Post-anesthesia she tends to drift off as soon as she's stationary for more than a few minutes and I guess I'm going to stay until her natives are asleep. Grandma will rock you to sleep darlings. With a boulder. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/pfft.gif" alt="" />

t&l

LOL- You are one of those cuddly grandmas??? how sweet.

Want to come stay with me after my hysterectomy?

Ta-dah!!! I'm baaaaaaack!!!!

Pretty frisky, too, all things considered. And since there aren't any delicate natures left after my sterling influences, I'm sure everyone will be glad to hear that I'm down to a couple drops per hour.

Oh yeah, she's one cuddly grandma all right. If she came and stayed, you wouldn't recognize their kids upon their emergence from Grandma Boot Camp.

WOW! What an amazing recovery!

I told my husband about you today. Told him that is was great to have someone who understands where I am - all the way down to the female problems. Well, I didn't tell him about female problems.

Anyway, I'm glad you are up and around.

Not too much worth describing except for the anethsesia part. Up until then, I crocheted, got blood drawn, and got an IV. Oooooooooh.

Oh, and I would tell you about how, after Mom told everybody downstairs that she worked there, so she didn't need an escort and could find it all just fine, we got lost several times, but it wouldn't be nice to tell so I won't. (She DID ask for directions, so I'm glad it was her and not my dad, or we would still be grimly wandering up and down the corridors.)

When the mask came down over my face, it felt just as suffocating as AJ's CPAP, which he has made me try before, and always makes me flip out because I hate feeling suffocated. NOTE FROM t&l--Obviously they didn't keep her "out" nearly long enough! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/mad.gif" alt="" />

<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/pfft.gif" alt="" /> I tried to ask the lady whether it was better to breathe through my mouth or nose, as I was having difficulty with both, and she had to lift the mask and ask me to repeat myself before she understood. She never did answer, just stuck the mask back down just as the gas hit. Unfortunately I was just taking a big mouth and nose gulp right then, and nearly choked myself. By the second breath it wasn't so hard to breathe.

I decided to repeat the Lord's Prayer, figuring that was as good a way as any to go under, especially if I never woke up again. Well, it's a risk.

The Lord is my Shepherd, I shall not want. He maketh me to lie down in green pastures. The room began to buzz lightly, and the ceiling was blurry. He leadeth me beside the still waters. He restoreth my soul. The buzzing grew louder, and all I could still see were the giant light fixtures. Yea, though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil, for Thou art with me; Thy rod and Thy staff, they comfort me. I had to blink very hard to continue. Thou preparest a table before me in the presence of mine enemies, Thou annointest my head with oil, my cup runneth over. Everything was blurry and dark. My eyes wouldn't stay open. I knew I had to hurry. SurelygoodnessandmercyshallfollowmeallthedaysofmylifeandIshalldwellinthehouseoftheLordforeverrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr rrr rrrrrrr r rr rrr r.

This is t&l, with the instant rebuttal.........

I was certainly NOT lost. I knew exactly where I was. It was the preop department that was LOST. When I had my surgery a few years back it was on one end of the 2nd floor. However, the hospital got busier since then and, as we discovered today, they've reopened the med-surg unit and moved the dang preop dept. to the other end of the same floor. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/crazy.gif" alt="" /> That Neak! Snarky little twit. And implying I'm not "cuddly." Just because I have 6-inch quills protruding out all over my body should not be taken to mean I'm not someone just made to snuggle with! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" />

Besides, the grandkids understand me. Grandma (or Noah, depending on which set of kids you're talking to) LOVES too play, but...obedience comes first. Fun is second. And if we can't get the obedience part down pat, the fun is indefinitely postponed until we've perfected the first part. Sometimes "indefinite" is short; sometimes long. Depends on the kids, and the moment. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/pfft.gif" alt="" />

t&l, AKA "Cuddles"

Whyever not? Does anybody have any secrets around here? <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/blush.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/blush.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/blush.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/blush.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/blush.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/blush.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/blush.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/blush.gif" alt="" /> Why start now?

t&l

I lost my voice today from being intubated. There's nothing for it but more chocolate to soothe my poor throat. Shucks.

Other than that, groggy but fine. The kids are being rotten, but I could still sprint fast enough to catch the Dervish when he tried to run. Momma's still got it.

Le Dervishe has held out longer than I predicted, but is sitting quietly on my lap looking sleepy. I had to corral him to keep him from tormenting his brother and sister, and this will be my only chance to type this evening, so we'll see how far I get.

Since I fought another successful battle of the mind today, perhaps it is (finally!) time to get around to this part. I went to post it over two months ago, but the computer ate it, and I just haven't tried to cover the same ground again until now.

I have mentioned before how, just when MC started to stagnate, that my recovery began to fray around the edges, but by sometime in October it was starting to show serious cracks. I just didn't understand why. AJ was still doing everything he could and should, I wasn't sick from the PG anymore, life was going well, but my brain was like a black hole, devouring itself on the inside.

By late October, it had gotten so bad I couldn't even pray, at least not with any success. Through the whole ordeal, I had knelt for hours, wrestling with the Angel, demanding a blessing, and asking that the powers of darkness be rebuked. And they were, I could sometimes see it happen before my eyes, as AJ would (ever so briefly) show a little hint of sanity, such as when he realized how his leaving would devastate the children right after I began to pray that he would think of them.

But then my wound was so great that I wasn't capable of the same deep communication I had gotten used to. I would start out my prayers in every spare moment, like always, but they would immediately go off track, and no matter how hard I tried to focus, I couldn't do it.

"Dear Father in heaven, thank you that I can come before you today and pray for my family and my husband. Please forgive us for our sins, especially AJ. I can't believe what he did. There was that time I was so sick, home with the kids, throwing up, crying at the computer while I clicked Refresh over and over till I saw that he had taken her out to breakfast at Perko's. Well, of course she was with him - he didn't eat $30 worth of breakfast himself! Oh, right. Forgive us for our sins, and cover us with the blood of Jesus. But that still wasn't as bad as the time he screwed both of us in the same night. I wonder if there were any other times he did that? No wonder he wanted to take a shower when he got home. That grosses me out! Imagine, going right from her to me like that! Yuck! Oh, oops, you're still there, God. Yes, well anyway, please send your Holy Spirit to us. You know all the trouble I'm having right now, and how hard it is to pray. Every time I start, I just end up thinking of all the awful things he did, like that night at the hospital where he drove all the way up here, wouldn't hear of me going with him, then called her and had her meet him in the ER. Boy, was that awful. At least the nurse was just as embarrassed as I was, and I bet they all glared at him good after I got done. But how nasty. He won't even talk to his own wife, but SHE gets to go with him to the emergency room. His "lady friend", the nurse said, when it should have been his wife!!! Oooooh, that makes me so mad! Almost as mad as when I found her drunk in his hotel room. No, no, no. Holy Spirit! I was praying, that's right..."

And so on, ad infinitum, ad nauseum.

All day long, every spare moment, my prayers continually diverted into a grievance stirring, and there was nothing - NOTHING - I could do. I tried praying harder, reading more encouraging texts, but even then my mind would wander dreadfully.

If it weren't for Still Seeking, that's probably where my recovery story would still be now.

The Dervisheth sleepeth. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/cool.gif" alt="" /> Yayeth!

Still Seeking brought up the subject of music, and once he found out that I used to sing all the time, and hadn't really since January, he recommended that I make the effort to start singing again, both to lift my spirits and to bring life back closer to normal. So I did sing, a bit. It was kinda fun, even though I was rusty.

When I was superdy-dooperdy tired of the mess described above, and had considered just giving up only about thirty-two jillion times, a little thought popped into my head. Maybe Still Seeking had actually said it and it just didn't sink in at first, or maybe my brain was thinking outside the box for a change, but I thought, instead of trying to pray, why don't I just sing?

So I did not try to pray at all. Instead, every time my thoughts would start to wander away, I would sing. In the car, one of my worst times, (formerly my favorite prayer time), I would play music and sing nonstop. And though they certainly tried, those icky thoughts could not compete with beautiful, uplifting praise songs.

Within three or four days, I could even pray very short prayers of a few sentences each. I would pray really fast for about thirty seconds, then sing another song.

By the end of a week, the oppressive darkness had been beaten almost all the way back to what passes for normal these days, and just in time.

I had two weeks or less to enjoy the new glow of joy and peace before finding out that Dillon was dead.

I can't let you go to sleep on that sad note.

God's times and purposes are not the same as ours. He always provides strength just when we need it. I can't imagine what it would have been like to try and endure faithfully through a trial like that during the black spot I went through.

God, in His graciousness, gave me the strength when He knew I would need it. And while my joy took a major hit, I haven't lost my peace for a minute. Well, maybe a minute here and there, but hardly at all in the grand scheme of things. Even the joy was still there, for underneath the grief was the bliss of knowing that God would give him back to me.

I don't dare try and tackle the rest of this chapter tonight. That will come one of these mornings when the sun is shining, not when it is almost time to sleep.

But for those of you who are already in the same recovery boat as me, or for all those who will be as soon as their WS's tack an F to the front of their title, let me just encourage you that it gets better. And even though not everyone can sing, you each have a weapon at your disposal. Whether it is songs or stories or something entirely different, there is something you have that God can use to help you, and you just have to find out what it is.

Playing music uses a larger percentage of your brain than any other activity, even sex.

On that much happier thought, I can wrap up for tonight. Blessings and hugs to all of you.

I'm happy you seem to be getting better.

Remember that help is ALWAYS availible.

The promises of the Lord will roll on until they will all be fulfulled.

SS