Help is always available, though we don't always recognize it at first.

Not praying for a while is counter-intuitive for me, but most of my songs were prayers anyway, just set to music. It was like spiritual ICU.

I guess I never got around to saying, though anyone might have guessed, but today I had another attack of bad remembrances. Due to my distracted state lately, they got farther than usual but not too far before I recognized them and attacked back. One of the songs I sang was "O Sacred Head, Now Wounded". I only know the first and last verses by memory.

O sacred head, now wounded,
With grief and shame weighed down,
Now scornfully surrounded,
With thorns Thine only crown.
How pale Thou art with anguish,
With sore abuse and scorn,
How does that visage languish,
That once was bright as morn?

What language shall I borrow,
To thank Thee, dearest Friend,
For this, Thy dying sorrow,
Thy pity without end?
Oh, may I be Thine forever,
And shouldst I fainting be,
O let me never, never,
Outlive my love for Thee.

Surely he hath borne our griefs, and carried our sorrows. Yet we esteemed him stricken, smitten by God and afflicted. But he was wounded for our transgressions, he was bruised for our iniquities, the chastisement of our peace was upon him, and with his stripes we ARE HEALED!

Neak,

Just dropping a line to let you know I am still here and reading and gathering strength and hope from your thread. Hugs to you and yours for your loss–sorry, I was new to your story when I found this thread to follow-- as well as relatively new to MB.

This way I have stepped up to the plate and hired a PI to confirm if OW is preg or not. PI plans to set up surveillance next week–if she is indeed pregnant she would be moving into her 5th month so I should know more soon. I did send a second NC letter–certified–to Tuesday after the Christmas holiday, and got a response from New Years eve-- have come to the conclusion that OW is not so much trying to get to fwh so much these days as me. Handed off cell phone to one of our company captains Tuesday of this week. Last heard, Ow is still calling, but no more mention of the “something growing inside of her”since one and only time before Christmas and just more of the same pleas for fwh to return to her with some off the wall odd notion that if he only knew the truth he would want to be with her. This ranks up there with “this isn’t how it was suppose to be”. You were suppose to be with me.” charges, go figure.

Oddly enough fwh continues to have no concerns of a possible preg and only humored me with his agreement to hire PI to confirm one way or the other if possible. Of course when he was with a mind to talk about it–before his breakdown–he said he had used condoms and I found enough evidence of –U know remains of box of to confirm they were available and used. Hmm . . .& if there is a deep seeded memory of he’s denying memory of, I guess he would have a better knowledge than I, eh?

Hmm did I mention had OW evicted from condo fwh bought to set her up in? That went as plan, two days before Christmas. She was given eviction notice in Nov and pushed it-- I say this in my own defience 'cause I am nice enough to feel "kinda" bad about eviciting her two days before Christams. Condo manager and sherif arrived to find condo empty so apparently she got out while she could to avoid forcible removal from. PI has confirmed she is now living with her parents again so will be setting up surveillance there next week.


Fwh and I started MC again this week too. This time it went better. Tried and failed before owing to fwh inability to deal with owing to memory loss of A and OW and his charges and belief that he had never loved any woman but me. I think it is beginning to set in so I am praying now that we will be able to begin to move forward in our recovery.

Hugs to you,

Sleepless

Thanks for the update, Sleepless. If my OW isn't PG, I don't think yours is, either. No logic whatsoever behind that pronouncement, but I hope it makes you feel better. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" /> I think the PI is a good idea, especially since she threatened it.

Glad your MC is going better, too. I'm sure that with both of you committed you can still recover well, it just may take longer with the special circumstances of your sitch.

{{{{{{to you too}}}}}}}

Mom reminded me tonight of my Migration Habits of Jellyfish thread. This was during the resumption of the A, during June. I was honored to receive several direct hits from the Lemonman himself! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

Some nice Tylenol, and my all-day headache is almost gone.

Hey Neak,
When AJ does something now to really upset you- something that is not A related, do you have a hard time dealing with it? Mine did something really, really stupid today. It is going to end up costing us 235.00. Money we needed elsewhere.

I went off on him. It was not pretty. Up until then things were going great. Yesterday was an awesome amazing day. Today, was right up there with that. Then, BAM. I couldn't yell - dd and her friend were here, but I did deliver several barbs in a hiss - several very very unkind barbs.

He admitted it was stupid, but then said get over it. Kind of like he did after d-day. It just got all over me. I mumbled something about having to always paint on a happy face for the world to see. He was like what? I said never mind. It doesn't matter.

That is how I feel though, like I have to paint on a happy face. Let everyone see how happy I am. When inside I want to just scream and rant and rave.

I feel better for venting. In a little bit he'll be ready for bed. I really don't feel very loving toward him at the moment. I hate this feeling.

anyway, thanks for letting me vent.

The short answer is yes. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

The longer answer will be along when I get a chance. But yes, oh yes, oh yes.

I cleaned AJ's car for him today and found the last A cell phone bill, which has been missing since early July when he threw it in the back with a bunch of other papers and forgot about it.

It was pretty upsetting for the first few minutes, just having all those A calls all over the place, but I'm better now. I can tell that he got his A phone on the 19th or 20th, which means he was being truthful when he told me he'd had it about a week. Not that I thought he was lying about that, but even at this late date it feels better when I can verify something he said then.

She called him from a local hotel and talked for a while, so I need to ask him about that, but it will be a good chance for us to practice our communication skills. Me non-accusatory, him non-angry.

MoFo, I know exactly what you are talking about. The Love Bank is such a good tool to explain what happens, and I think it must be normal for where we are, but am never quite sure.

AJ does all kinds of nice things on a regular basis, besides just the mandatory stuff. He sends me ecards and love notes, surprises me once in a while with massages, sometimes helps cook, reads me spiritual things he finds exciting, just goes above and beyond the call of duty. All these things make substantial LB deposits.

Then he will make one little mistake, maybe a remark that comes across as snide, or complaining about something I did, and poof! My LB balance is suddenly zero. All his effort wasted, at least it seems that way. And it takes a long time for the loving feelings to build up again, too.

It just doesn't make sense to me. Big balance, small withdrawal, should still mean a pretty big balance left, instead of Black Friday. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/confused.gif" alt="" /><img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/confused.gif" alt="" /><img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/confused.gif" alt="" />

One little thing, not even A-related, and the big D plasters itself all over my brain and is very hard to get rid of. Maybe it will at least help to know that it's the same for me, because I don't really have answers to that right now. If I figure them out, I'll let you know.

Oh, I just looked up a few things, and based on work record, etc., my guess about the hotel is she stayed there Saturday night 6/18. Knowing her as I do, of course she tried to get him to join her, but that night is one that I am completely assured that he came straight home from work. I know exactly when he left the site, and exactly when he got home, and nothing was unaccounted for.

Once again I am left shaking my head. This hotel is about 5 minutes from her house. How desperate! How gross! I'd better stop before I get into all the good adjectives!

How nice that he came home instead.

Thanks, Neak.
It is nice he came home that night.

Yeah, the big-d pops up in my mind, Then I think, I stayed with him after an A, why am I freaking out over this?

Sometimes when I know he is upset with me or irritated with me about somethng, I'll wonder if he is going to go have an A again. Most of the time I am able to push that thought out of my head, but twice I have messed up by asking him. He looks a deflated balloon when I have done it. I hate making him feel that way.

Can I ask you something else? Do you still check up on him?

just wondering

I check oodles. It makes me feel better.

As time has gone on, the checking has been oriented more toward making sure she hasn't somehow found a way around the defenses and is trying to reach him, but I still check on him, and will for a long time to come. Probably will forever, just maybe not so many times a day, and maybe not even every day. That's a ways off, though.

I have seen more than one person on here whose WS took up with an old flame. It makes me think of my paternal grandmother.

I'm sure my grandfather (not the one who lives with me) was completely hateful to her, and made her life a living pit of ignited sulphur, and she chose to deal with that by having an A.

How bad was it? I know very little (possibly for fear that I will go blabbing it around <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" />), but it was bad enough that my dad, who would have been in his early twenties had to call her and practically drag her from her lover's side to attend her BH's deathbed.

A few years back, she married her lover. A year or less later, they filed for an annulment. Even for old people, A relationships are doomed! You would think that after all those years they might have stood a chance, but no. It was just the same as all the others, and "Grandpa Kenneth" left almost as fast as he arrived.

An A is an A is an A is an A, no matter how many years go by.

There's my happy thought for the day. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

"possibly for fear that I will go blabbing it around"

You? Blab about things? Just because we know about the sink, your insides, and everything that the skank did? I'm sure that you do have some secrets that you keep.

Maybe. If I think of any, I'll let you know.

ROFL!!!!

LOL - it probably goes with being a writer - how could you write while keeping things secret??????

That sounds like as good an excuse as any...

But to continue on ....... At some date, you are going to have to go on with your life as if this never happened. That's easy for me to say, because my WH is no longer in the picture.

But AJ will need to know that he has been forgiven and gained back what he lost. Has he cleared everything with your church?

What do you mean about the church?

Do your leaders know? Is he accountable to any of the men?

We just barely got a new pastor, and have only seen him twice. I'm sure we'll get around to it soon, but shaking hands in the line leaving church wasn't quite the right time. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" /> My dad is an elder and he knows and AJ knows that he knows. A couple of the other men know, but I don't know if AJ knows that they know, or not. One of his friends who is not an elder knows, but he's also moving to OR in the next few weeks.

Do you really think I will get to the place where I don't need to check at all?

I try, often successfully, to make sure AJ feels like he has been - and stayed - forgiven, but sometimes he doesn't feel like it if I am having a hard time, even though I don't cast it up at him.

Oh. You can't understand how much it helps to share the problem with your church family. My WH and I have been members of the same church for 20 years. We were very active. WH was in different men's groups, went on the men's retreats, and did a lot of volunteer work.

I have led women's recovery groups and been active in a lot of ministries.

After D-day, I hesitated to tell people at church. I was so shocked and hurt. At about the 6 month mark, I requested prayers for our marriage. The pastors contacted me, and the story came out.

WH was asked to meet with the pastors, and not attend church anymore until he did. Of course, he refused, as he was living with the OW.

Had he come in, he would have had other men to talk to and have accountability.

I can't tell you what a relief it was to have everything revealed.

That sounds like a very good idea.

It has kind of surprised me how much more freely he talks about it now. He doesn't walk up to perfect strangers and say, "Hi, I'm AJ & I have had an affair," but he has told most of his friends. (But most of them don't go to church.) We will talk to the pastor when we are able to have a more private conversation, but I don't think he (AJ) will mind telling others, either. Now that his glory is in the Cross, he is on an equal footing with all the rest of us forgiven sinners. He feels ashamed still of what he did, but not to the degree of needing to hide it as he wanted to at first.

We had such a nice day today. It was a last-second thing, but the kids and I went with him on his errands and just got back a little bit ago. Among other things, he had to renew his firearms class, since somebody snitched to his work that his cert was expired. The kids & I sat in the car till he was done, then went to supper together.

The last couple of days have been the 'uppest' the roller coaster has gone so far. If only it would stay up. If only I weren't on mandatory pelvic rest, so I could do some testing and see if the improvement has carried over into other areas, as well. Rats!