Oo-o-o-o-o-o-o-h, [color:"purple"] purple [/color]! I think you and Neak (with her [color:"red"]red [/color] cape of power), standing side by side in the sunshine, would be a blindingly-awesome sight! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

t&l, who is only gray <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/crazy.gif" alt="" />

It is actually quite ironic to have the worst period of my life be what leads to me being so much happier. I know now that I had untreated depression (most likely caused by codependency) and major codependency issues. I was always worrying about things that had not happened, what I needed to do, what others needed to do...and, sadly, I had this negative tape in my brain always telling me I was not good enough, I fight against that tape now and I am so much happier.

Understanding myself has led to change, and change has led to peace and confidence, which has led to me choosing to remove myself from the situation with my WH because it hurts too much, I will not be a part of this triangle, and I deserve better. Slowly, each day, his A is killing my love for him. I do not want that, but I have no control over it. I am learning to live in the now and deal with what I do know: my H is in an A, he says he does not want to work on the M, my children are devastated by that state of things, and he refuses to stop the A. So, the only acceptable choice to me is to protect me and the kids and get away from the chaos. I am moving forward with my life. My biggest hope is that my H will join us-- I just pray that it is not too late.

It is so sad because we both allowed our resentment to build up and it poisoned our M, but we have such a great opportunity to make a wonderful life and it feels like he is just letting it go. We have not even had a true chance at R as OW has most likely been in the pic all along. And, even if she was not, the fact he admits to contacting her within 2 weeks of moving out indicates his heart was not with me, though he kept telling me he wanted to save our M (I highly doubt OW just came back into the picture though. Too much evidence pointing the other way.) How can we ever have a chance to see what we could have if he won't stop the A? It is a catch-22. When he was with her before, his foggy remark was,"I figured once we got back on track, I wouldn't need her anymore." <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" /> Uh, WH, we cannot get back on track until OW is gone. And, he is afraid to give her up because it seems like we cannot make it work. Obviously, his lack of commitment and continuing A, have a ton to do with why we cannot get anywhere. It is almost like this entire year was a lie <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/mad.gif" alt="" />

I have heard that one more times than I care to remember. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/mad.gif" alt="" />

Improving, it is good to hear you sounding so strong, and so, so.......purple. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" /> Capes of power work no matter what color they come in.

Strong and purple...yup, that is me <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

I feel so free and happy. I feel like I have shed my skin and I am now fresh, healthy, better, stronger, and ...alive!!! I feel so great. Weird, considering the circumstances. This whole mess has made me so much stronger.

My hope is that we are given a second chance at happiness, but I know that if we are not, I can say I have done what I could to be a better wife, to show I can/will change, and to prove my love and commitment. But, we both have to put effort into changing the patterns that we have that have hurt our marriage. I have no doubt we can do that. I am fully committed to doing my part, but I cannot do it alone. It took two us to get us into this mess and it will take two of us to get us out. I know we have been granted a great chance to be happy again.

Once I knew I had taken us for granted, and understood that not meeting my H's needs had led to him doubting my love (and visa versa), I did not want him to go another minute doubting that ever again.

I broke my vows once, I do not intend to break them again. But, it takes two (not three <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/mad.gif" alt="" />), to make a marriage work. And, that is not possible with OW (or anyone for that matter), in this M. He cannot be committed to us and be in an A at the same time. It makes me very sad to know that all the work we did this past year was, most likely, while he was still having an A. If not, he sure did not waste anytime seeking her out after moving (so his heart could not have been with me anyway), though he was still telling me he wanted it to work. There is no way we can know if we can be happy again while OW is around, regardless of the nature of their relationship. Period. Thems the facts, ma'am.

Now, where did I put my cape? Man, this is a great shade of [color:"purple"]purple [/color] on me.... <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

PS check your e-mail, chica <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/cool.gif" alt="" />

Post deleted by not_so_you_neak

I got AJ a rose yesterday for 2 reasons. One is that we will be very busy on Valentine's Day. The other is that I still have a grudge against the holiday, and don't much want to celebrate it, anyway.

As I was carrying it into the house, and trying to open the door with both hands full, the rosebud snapped off with about 4 inches of stem, and plopped onto the porch. Such irony.

Well, I picked it up, stuck it back in the baby's breath, and gave it to him anyway.

He was delighted and touched, and asked me to put it in some water for him. I did this, knowing that the bottom of the rose stem would be very, very happy.

<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" />

Well, "Ross Kirkland" has made another (very brief) appearance, and now that address is blocked, too.

All it said was, "I'm still waiting!"

I can't remember if I said or not, but I decided the most impersonal way to handle this was with Bank of America's Billpay. You don't get much more impersonal than a computer-generated check sent automatically from somewhere else in the country. It is supposed to deliver by the 13th.

I was very happy that AJ called me immediately and showed me that one, too. He is behaving in a trustworthy manner, and that makes it so much easier to treat him in a trustworthy manner, and to think of him as being trustworthy.

Nice try, Ross, but no banana.

<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

Ooops <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/eek.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

It's because she is "so in love" with him, doncha know? <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" />

Good job AJ and Neak!

Tonight, it will have been one year since D-day. One year since he told me, you will probably hate me for this, but I've been seeing someone else. One year since I felt such relief that the sudden storm that had come upon our marriage was not actually all my fault, and I was really not going crazy. One year since I naively thought he would end it at any moment, since he had been honest enough to tell me.

We are 7 1/2 months into recovery, and it is beginning to seem like it was all a nightmare, and at some point I woke up. The occasional sighting or mail delivery attempt adds a jarring note of reality.

There are definitely more good days than bad days. I still have many bad thoughts, and flashes of remembrance. Even just yesterday it popped into my mind again that they probably took showers together, the thought of which has bothered me for a long time. And every time I see a Holiday Inn Express sign it is a trigger, too. The big difference is that they are blips on my otherwise happy, busy day, instead of being a big dark cloud hanging over every moment of what I do and say. So that is progress.

He is still being so wonderful. Everything he does is meant to show me that he loves me, and that he is being open and honest with me. We are still struggling a bit in the communication area (me more than him), but even that is improving as we continue to make the effort to change.

I don't know if it's the same for everyone, but my stages of grief have been really weird. Eventually I did start to feel major anger and resentment, occasionally finding some kind of acceptance only to be returned in a moment to the hurt and the hate by some little reminder of what happened. Now I am mostly caught between acceptance and disbelief.

A part of me may never in my whole life be able to accept or understand that my dear husband, my other half, my best friend, could betray me in the most personal, deep way possible, and cause the worst screaming agony I have felt in my whole life, that just went on and on and on for months. On purpose, without regard for my well-being, my feelings, or my pain. It is mind-boggling to me.

The accepting part of me feels that, although these terrible things happened, and I don't understand them, that life has gone on, that our marriage and love are better than ever before, and we stand before God united in a way we have not experienced till now. And that if our life is so wonderful now, that the most important thing is embracing that, rather than spinning my mental wheels trying to understand something that cannot be understood.

In the wee hours this morning, after we had spent some quality time with each other, he pulled me close and I snuggled in, wearing the silky pink pajamas he had just bought me for Valentine's Day (note I said 'silky' and not 'silk' - silk would never survive the Dervish, so it's fortunate that I think a cotton/poly blend is sexy and even more fortunate that HE thinks the same thing), it didn't even bother me as much as I expected to be in the first few hours of this dark anniversary.

So I have been not depressed, not angry, but just contemplative and grateful for what God has done in our lives.

Next year will be even better.

Rats, I really wanted to just change my title for a bit. Oh well.

I should probably go take a shower anyway, since my pretty pink pajamas really shouldn't be what I wear to do the kind of housecleaning I have in mind for today, and probably not to go to town to get stuff for the trip, either. Although it might look cute if I wore it with my special Christmas coat...

It's supposed to have snow showers in Blackwell this weekend. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

I have been a little agitated the last couple of days, but there is nothing to do but set it aside and wait till it fades.

We are right in the vicinity of the first time AJ screwed Gargamel the first time, so it's <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" /> anyway. He admitted it to me on March 6 of last year, and said it had been about a week before. Exactly a week would have been February 27, so it was sometime very close to that.

Friday when he got up, he had gotten a missed call on his (my) cell phone from an unknown number at 3:49 am. Hardly anyone has this number, only a few family members and the people at his work. Normally I am the only unknown caller, and we were both in bed when the call came in.

It's kind of sad I guess that a probably-hopefully wrong number (at 3:49 am???) would freak me out like this, but it would be just like her to do an Intelius search or whatever for unlisted/cell numbers, and call him at the exact time it happened.

I hate being like this. Well, the answer is simple. I WON'T be like this, but it bugs me that I even have to try.

You can look up cell numbers on Intelius, right? I told Neaksis you can, and I'm pretty sure you can, but haven't actually done it all the way through.

I miss the days when a wrong number was just a wrong number.

Well, that explains you lately. Does it explain him?

t&l

Just what are you trying to insinuate, anyway? Hmmph!

I don't think he's given it another thought - he's too busy thinking about flight training, flight simulators, fixing Neaksis' house, and moving to be bothered with trifles like 'wrong' (?) numbers.

For me it is an irritant, but fairly surface-level. I am just starting with the fastest thing to complain, I mean to vent about.

We did have a very nice talk on the trip, following a long conversation between both of us on speaker phone, and an A-embroiled friend.

The first part of it kind of harked back to the first post on this thread, where he said he noticed everything I did for him, even if he didn't let on. He's a man, so I doubt he really did notice everything, but if he even saw enough to think he knew it all, it was waaaaaaaay more than I thought.

It was a very good time to re-explore a few things with him, and to be comforted and reassured by his continuing disgust for her manipulations and game-playing. He totally sees now that everything I did, Plan A, Plan B, reminding him of his duty to the children, all of it was done from love, trying to save our marriage, and was not a manipulation.

He sees very clearly that she, on the other hand, was doing her best to portray me as a psycho game-player, dishonest to boot, and using the children against him. It was so good to know that his understanding has increased, and I expect that his hindsight will only get clearer with more time.

It was also good to know that his feelings for me are still constant. Let's be honest and admit that for the last 8 months (tomorrow) they have been much more constant than mine. I don't condemn myself for that, because I have made a great effort not to let my changeable feelings affect my actions, and it is a roller coaster, after all, one that he put me on.

Sure there was a bit of spiteful satisfaction mixed in as he went into more detail about stuff he hadn't liked about her, and how I shone in comparison, but it wasn't all malicious. For the most part it was just a happy thing to hear his praise of me, and to realize that all was not the rose-colored paradise for the A that I had pictured.

That latest email was just another nail in the coffin. It made him revolted, not nostalgic.

BTW, I found out that my account will not even charge a stop-payment on the last check that is out, so I can just stop payment, mail a bill-pay check, and have done with that one, too. That way it won't be hanging over my head indefinitely, just waiting for my account to fall 3 cents short. (The bank said there was no expiration date on their checks. Fifty years from now, if the account was still open, they would pay the check. Wow.)

Oh, also, one of our biggest leaks (as far as I can guess, but no absolute proof) just found out today that we're moving, though I was very vague. Well, we DON'T know exactly where, until we have a contract go through with somebody. I don't know how much he has inadvertently given away, but he is one of the few, perhaps the only, of our friends who actually continued to talk to her after I fired her. (<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" /> Still makes me smile.) But when he walked in and saw one living room piled 5 feet high with boxes, there was no explaining it away.

I can always tell when he's been talking to her. He acts almost as bad as AJ did. Apparently fog and feelings of disloyalty and deception aren't limitied only to spouses.

Hey Girl,
Been thinking of you. I know how you are feeling- feeling the same way. Hate it, hate it, hate it.

We will get through this and be stronger for it- just think, it won't be long and all the first year anniversaries will be over! Does this feel like the longest year on record to you, too?

ARGH. hate this, but I keep telling myelf it will get better.

(((Neak)))

{{{MoFo too!}}}

Thanks, as always it helps to know I'm not the only one like this. We're still just reading from the script, lol.

I guess the 2yr anniversaries won't be as scary, maybe, and besides they are so far away. A whole nuther year!

It always feels like I'm making no progress, until I look back at the insanity, see where I came from, and suddenly where I am looks wonderful.

At least AJ is making good progress. That continues to help me in my progress.

Sweetie-

I am sorry you are suffering so. It is hard to read, as a FWW, because it reminds me of the terrible pain I caused my WH. And, it is hard to read as a BS because I understand the pain all too well. But, you are not alone. And, you know how wonderful and special I think you are.

I am not sure if this matters at all, but when I was a WW, it was almost like the "alien" fog protected me from really hearing/feeling the pain I was causing my H. I truly think it is the brain's way of protecting you from the horrible truth of what you are doing...that is why when the fog lifts, there is such incredible guilt because it is the first time you have really faced what you have done and the pain you have caused your BS. So, if AJ was anything like me, he probably could not take in your pain in any real way--it's almost like your senses are numbed.

Anyway, thank you for sharing yourself and your story. It helps me and others so much.

Mwwwaaahhh!! (kisses to you)

I have heard the manipulation comment too. Funny how when we were first in R (and I am almost certain OW was NOT in the pic again--yet) that he said that he did not doubt my love anymore (when I was trying to meet his needs). But, once he had moved out, suddenly all the love and care I had shown him was interpreted as him "...feeling manipulated for months". Not sure if that was fog, OW's explanation for what I had done, or his rewriting of history (he did say he did not want to feel like he was "just a plan" to me). I know what I was doing was sincere, but it is hurtful to hear him be so wrong about me.

But, another friend's FWH said she was a manipulative, lying [email]BIT@H[/email] when he was leaving her for OW, who he was "just friends" with. Manipulation and "just friends" seems to be a common theme with WHs. So, it is nice to hear that when the fog cleared, AJ was able to see what you were doing for what it was...a woman who wanted to save her M, despite the incredible pain he had caused.

Don't you go and get all snarky with me now, when I was just trying to agree with you!!!! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" /> You've seemed a half-bubble-off-plumb with your emotional stride just lately, albeit with your public facade fully intact. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" /> Unfortunately, I don't accept your public facade at facade value. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" /> So you're not so much fooling us as you might wish...should you be silly enough to wish to waste time fooling us when it never works out anyway. Is there any way to trace the call back? Probably not on a cell phone. Ask Neakbro. Maybe he can do some hacking for you.

t&l