Imp - Thanks as always for your encouragement. Your insight into the WS mindset is helpful and enlightening. (Being a woman and all, you are able to be more verbal about things men just shrug and look vacant over, lol.)

Mom, <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/pfft.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" /> You can't trace it if it's not already listed.

Sigh. And I saw her again yesterday. I am just going to start bracing myself that every time I pick up the kids from school I will see her, and then it will no longer be a surprise. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/eek.gif" alt="" /> Each time. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/eek.gif" alt="" /><img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/eek.gif" alt="" />

It was AJ's fault. He asked me to get a coupling. It's not as kinky as it sounds; it's just pipe to fix Neaksis' toilet. Ok, that still sounds kinky, but really it's not. So I went to Meek's like he asked me to, and as I was waiting for traffic to clear so I could pull out of the parking lot she drove right in front of me.

I followed her for a bit, since she was going my way, but she turned off on a dead-end street and I kept on going to the bank. AJ is right, she does drive like a batoutta. (That is one of the things that bugged him about her, in case I haven't mentioned it before. Reckless drivers are one of his major peeves. A drunken maniac (not necessarily simultaneously) - he shakes his head at himself now.)

Clearly, seeing her on a regular basis does nothing good for me, but once I come on here and complain a little it always goes away. Kimmy, I don't know how you do it, you must be far more of a saint than I am. Anyway, thanks for listening, I feel better already.

A couple of mildly interesting things have happened. One is an aha! I knew it! and the other was just nice.

AJ told me the other day that he needed to get another toolbox for his tools. Being a girl, I tried to be a little more practical. "Why don't you just put them back in the toolbox you and your brother got? You know, the one with wheels." "Er, hem, well we need to talk about that one. She got it for me, and I need to get rid of it." (Oh, well in that case let's go buy a toolbox, and the bigger the better!)

That toolbox had been a thorn in my flesh for months, ever since it first appeared. I KNEW it was from her. I could almost smell her. Early in recovery I asked him about it, and he said nonchalantly that he and his brother had bought it.

Now we come to find out he thought I meant his other tool box, more of a tub with a snapping lid. His wheeled toolbos had not crossed his mind until shortly after she sent that last email so she was fresher in his mind, and he went out to the garage for something and saw it.

It is such a good thing this did not come up until he had had time to build his trust back more. After he has been honest with me about thousands of dollars, each tool, sexual things, everything I asked him about, I can believe he misunderstood about a $10 tool box.

If, however, back when his trust was -37,591 I had found out it was actually from her and he had tried to tell me, oh, I thought you meant the other toolbox, it would have seemed lame beyond words, and perhaps even been a dealbreaker for me. Now it makes me happy (a little smug, to, for having been right after all), that here is one more evidence that he is still being honest, and handling something related to her by telling me.

Then the other night, we were talking while he drove home from work. I had just gotten off the phone with a friend who has a WS of their own, and had had a phone consultation with Steve Harley. AJ asked me what he had said, and I told him that Steve's big concern was that our friend would lose all love for the WS before the A ended, because of how very very sick our friend has gotten of the whole chaotic alien sitch, and that when the WS was ready to come home, our friend would be too far gone to want to try and recover the marriage.

AJ poured out such a touching apology, saying that he was so sorry that he had done that to me, and hurt me so badly. He thanked me with deepest gratitude for not giving up on him, and letting him have another chance to be my husband. It was very sweet, and completely spontaneous.

Hopefully someone will read this and take heart. Every few days I get another reminder of how far we've come, and if we can do it, so can anyone else.

Thank you Neak, this post does give me hope!

Hey neak,

When I think that you aren't even a year into recovery, I am even more boggled by you. Thanks for being such a testament to grace and strength in the midst of the fire.

Blessings,

G

Thank you, Eagle and Griselda. While the A was going on, B0b Pure and Dorry were my heroes. B0b was the BS, and always had an encouraging story to share about how his dear Squid was beginning to return his love and affection, and no longer spewing the horrible venom that she did during her A. Dorry was a new FWW, and as penitent as you could ever hope to see. She gave me so much hope that maybe, someday, I might hear some of those things from my own WS. Well, I did, and so will most of you.

The few among you that never see your true spouse again, believe me, you are so much better off without them. You can have your own dignity intact, and know you tried everything you could, but the bottom line is an A cannot be tolerated forever. You will lose yourself completely if you try.

We are all wonderful people here on this site, strong, courageous, and on our way to becoming something more beautiful than we ever dreamed.

Well, I just had good news. I checked my bank account, and they have processed the Billpay check I issued after stopping payment on the other check Gargamel was holding onto, which means it has been cashed.

So now not only have we repaid the personal loan, but she has actually accepted the payments instead of saving them, apparently hoping someone will contact her about them.

<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" />

Another interesting little snippet from this weekend....

Our friend whose spouse is actively involved in an A came to visit, and was picking AJ's brain a bit, so actually I learned several things I had not heard him say that way before.

One was on the subject of how, in any A, the OP is likely behind the scenes trying to stir up any and all garbage against the BS. AJ gave our friend several examples (none new to me), and I said to him, "Yes, and then when I would do anything remotely resembling what you had been warned about, like the few times I tried to show you how badly you were hurting the children, you would say, 'SEE? SHE WARNED ME YOU WOULD DO THIS, AND NOW YOU DID!!!!!'" AJ got a funny look on his face, and said, "I didn't say that!.......did I?"

And, when asked point blank what finally motivated him to end the A once and for all, and turn back to God and family, he said it was the fear that he was losing me. For sure, he really did not want to go into the blackness of Plan B.

And of course it's nice to not have the kids crying themselves to sleep every night because Daddy's not home, and they don't know where he is, and I can't tell them where he is to make them feel better because I don't know either, not exactly.....

The OP will never understand that there is a world of difference between supposed manipulations from the BS, and the BS enforcing natural consequences upon the WS. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" />

I have been having weird dreams lately. Some I know where they came from, such as night before last I dreamed I was pregnant and afraid something was wrong. I kept thinking I had already lost the baby, and would feel my stomach to make sure I was still fat. The source of that one is pretty obvious.

Last night was weird, though. I dreamed about practically everybody! Gargamel was a small snippet of one dream. AJ & I were driving down the road, when all of a sudden he pointed to this nondescript little black car, and said, "There's the black [whatever-it-was] that SHE drives all the time now." And I remember thinking, "Great, just great, I needed another kind of car to have to look out for, just when I got the other one down pat."

And I dreamed of Grandma, who has been dead for just over 3 years. She was normal in the dream, well.....almost. She still lived in Lodi in her old house, and was still able to cook, sort of. (Neaksis says she dreams of Grandma whenever she feels in need of comfort or reassurance, but this did not exactly fill that bill.) She had most of her marbles, but not quite all of them (we are back to talking about Grandma again, not Neaksis), and was cooking some strange things. She made a teeny, thin little tater tot casserole, and then was cranking out molded fruit-filled jello like the world was coming to an end tomorrow unless she produced enough. She had it wedged and piled into every corner of her refrigerator, all over the counters, and still she went on, machinelike and unstoppable, making more and more and more jello, and making us help her.

The third dream was by far the longest. I will spare you the majority of the details, mostly so you don't think I have become completely unhinged. It was set a long time ago, with some castle or other about to be attacked. The Irish were involved somehow, but I don't remember which side they were on.

The castle's walls had been built purely for decoration, for what would make it looke the prettiest on the postcards of the castle at sunset. To try and make the walls higher, at least temporarily, the king-person had ordered them to stack humans atop the walls. To try and hold the invading army back from the human walls as long as possible, the general had prepared a clever diversion and ambush just down the hill.

I joined the group readying the ambush, and was checking everything out and chatting, when suddenly Lorenzo Lamas appeared and began declaring his undying love for me. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" /> "Um, yeah, I, um love you too. Don't, like, get killed in battle or anything." Then back to work again.

Is it any wonder I always wake up so tired???

Neak - your dreams are amazing. I don't always remember mine but when I do they are mostly weird. I don't try to interpret them because I can't believe they are significant. Ok, I did dream I had baby twin girls a month before I got pregnant with twin girls (I even named one the same as in the dream!) but I have also slept with Superman in his kit <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/eek.gif" alt="" />!

It is incredible how real they are though, isn't it. And it is really special when you dream about a loved one (like your gran) who is no longer around IRL. It's almost like you got to spend time with them all over again! Hope you got that Snickers bar for your mum. TT

Ah, yes, Superman. No way to compete with that one. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/eek.gif" alt="" />

Last night I dreamed AJ stayed up till 5am and kept waking me up every hour or so to let me know he was still awake. Then I woke up, and.....wait a minute.....that actually happened!!!!! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/mad.gif" alt="" />

You're right about the time with Grandma. I enjoyed every bit of it, even if she was a bit, um, fruity.

AJ just found out his dad got out of the hospital after more heart trouble, and now wants to start going back to church. Naturally AJ is very worried and wants to go back there if possible, because if his dad is talking about chutch there's probably not too much time left. In all the close calls and near-death brushes, that has never happened before.

If he goes, y'all will have to put up with me even more often. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Whew! It's scary out on the board. I will just hide in here and muse to myself, and if anyone else wants to muse a bit they are welcome to join in.

First, a smidge of news. Yesterday I returned the Evil Toolbox to the Den of Iniquity. I had asked Neaksis to do it, but she wasn't really keen on the idea, so I just left it propped against the mailbox.

I think I had said, but she bought it for corporate use and was never reimbursed, so I didn't feel right just throwing it away, and who would want it?????

I am very happy to be rid of it.

The dreams have been crazier and crazier. The same night I told you AJ woke me up every hour to tell me he was still awake, I remembered later that I dreamed I was being attacked, and couldn't breathe. I struggled for AGES trying to get enough breath to yell, but no luck. Finally, I succeeded in hollering [color:"red"] HELP!!! [/color] only to wake myself up, actually hollering. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/blush.gif" alt="" />

Then I had a big old long dream about being in Oklahoma and flying and stuff. The weirdest part of that dream was when I went to take off my socks. I took the first one off, dropped it on the ground, and instantly it was back on my foot. I did this, oh, 15 or 20 times, not being very bright when I am asleep, before finally realizing, this is not normal, in fact, kinda PARAnormal. So I prayed in Jesus name, and the socks stayed off. Allrightythen.

There were more that I remembered at the time, but can't think of them just now.

AJ is going to be making a few service calls back at the infamous site where he saw Gargamel for the last time. It does stir the memories a bit for me, but not too badly.

What it made me think of this time is the part just after where he told me that she kept trying to touch him and massage his shoulders, and he was getting really irritated and just shrugged her off and kept walking away.

I didn't believe him at the time, well, I didn't believe him about anything at that point. But now it seems a lot more likely. Plus, I have not been able to catch him in a single lie since June 27, and dagnabbit but I've tried! And he just keeps on telling the truth.

So it is nice to think of her getting a taste of the personal rejection that the two of them heaped on me, and to have her experience it just before all the lights went out on the sordid A....forever. (I hope.) It's not that I want revenge. I get enough of that just by living my life well and sleeping next to my husband every night. But what happened that day was a small foretaste of justice.

Full justice will always come eventually, unless we ask to be covered in mercy.

HI there long time no speak. I have been keeping off the MB stuff. I honestly feel that there is a troll of the worst kind out there. The damage she is reaping on new wounds and newsly repentant WS is a tragedy. I cannot abide such evil.

But I have to say that since I called her to task I would not be surprised if she came in here. Please forgive me if the troll terrorizes and destroys the peace and gentle solitude that you have here.

I understand what you are saying, as it also causes me a pang to have my pain - the pain of every BS - cast up in that way, as if I were not the innocent victim, as if I somehow chose to be violated and ripped apart. I can only hope that those who are in turmoil will find the peace and forgiveness they desperately need, and be able to reach out a helping hand to others in the future.

Don't worry if any trolls stop by here. It will boost my ratings far more than my own sweet charm, rofl. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

***placid meadow music playing softly***

Also hi to MoFo, I see you out there....congrats on passing the 9 month waymark!

PS Just in case there was any doubt, I resisted the urge to include a pithy note in the Evil Toolbox, or even a message of any kind. All that was in it were a couple lines of leftover staples and a piece of styrofoam. Well, ok, that's kind of a message.

<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

I have a question and would welcome some input.

The other day, for the second time, AJ has had an incorrect memory about an A-related incident. We went to Baja Fresh for supper, and he mentioned the time he took me to eat at the Baja Fresh in Elk Grove. Except he never did. I had never been to it anywhere before, and he has never taken me to dinner at any establishment in Elk Grove. (I do not count stopping at the Taco Bell as taking me to dinner.) I should also note that he brought this up himself.

The other time he found a receipt for a pizza place, glanced at the name of the establishment, and brought up when he took me to dinner there. Well, I have never heard of that place before. I looked it up on the map, and have never even been to any restaurants in that area. And with the receipt dated for a few weeks before PBL #1, if it had happened it would have been engraved deeply into my memory.

He clearly believed he was telling the truth, and remembering this correctly. Again, he brought this up himself, it was not something I asked him about.

My question is, should I bother to disagree with him, and attempt to prove my point, or just let it ride?

My inclination is just to let it alone and accept that he will always be confused about some of what happened. I am fine with that; it is only a minor irritation when it occurs. But at the same time, if this is one of those things that looks little now, but some of you have experienced problems down the road because of letting something like this go, then I don't want to do that.

I am not afraid of any possible conflict, but don't want to make a big deal out of something if it's just a blip in the grand scheme of things.

So is it a big deal or not? To confront or not to confront, that is the question, whether tis nobler..... (that's as much as I can remember.)

Neak. You know, is it owrth it to bring it up? I mean ou believe that he is being honest. And maybe this is AJ's brain covering the shame or the wound. I odn't know. It seems that it owuld not be fruitful to bring it up just to be right. Just my opinion.

Thank you. I mean, that's what it seemed like to me, but as an attemptedly reforming CA I sometimes feel in need of a less biased sounding board than myself. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

And ok, there is that tiny part of me that feels like biffing him on the head and shouting, "THAT WASN'T ME, YOU DOLT!!!!" At least I don't need independent verification to see that that is not the healthiest way to deal with it. But aside from that tiny part, the rest of me is just <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" />.

That would be the part you inherited from me, dearie. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/crazy.gif" alt="" /> So glad I could help! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

t&l