SS - Mmmmmm. Pie. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Ima - Thank you, we each have our talents, you know. One of life's lessons is learning to accept what we do well, as well as what we don't. When I was younger I wanted to do everything in the whole wide world, and do it better than everyone else. MUCH better than everyone else.

But as I went on, life forced me to see that while I did some things very well, like writing and music, other things I just would never be able to do well, like speaking other languages, police telecommunicator - one of my biggest job flops every, or housecleaning <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/tongue.gif" alt="" /> . Not that I completely give up trying, especially on the housecleaning <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/eek.gif" alt="" />, but I do not consider myself defined by either my successes or failures, the way I used to be.

Random musing here.....and gradually I am reaching the place where I am not completely defined by my H's affair, either. In fact, on the 4th, I went around 5 hours without any A-stuff even crossing my mind. I was much closer to who I am than I have been for a long time.

What you said about family and faith giving me strength is very true, but it also made me wonder about you. I don't want to be pushy or anything, but if you want to talk about your faith, or your struggles with faith, please do.

The Dervish called me at 5-something this morning, after I had been up past midnight getting him ready to go. I have no clue what he said, since I was still 95% asleep, but he must have been having a fun time. AJ is going to keep a life jacket on him, and tie him to the dredge while they are working. Such a fun mental picture!

The disease wasn't food poisoning. Neaksis got sick Sunday or Monday, and the rest of the kids got sick 24-36 hours later; a nice viral incubation time. I only meant that Val's gluttony contributed to the spectacularness of her downfall, not that it actually caused it. (That's ok, I just wasn't clear the first time around. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />)

Neaksis had to confiscate some of her food, because she was walking off with enough BBQ, potato salad, fruit salad, watermelon, etc. etc. etc., to feed several battalions. Had she not done that, the trip home would have been even worse. Blech.

Ooooooooh, I am being so lazy today! No husband, no Dervish, an army of dimiunutive slaves doing housework for me as they try and earn a treat from Neaksis' trip to town....I have almost nothing to do but eat bon-bons and fold some laundry. And maybe wash a few dishes. What fun! I have not had such a relaxing break in quite a while, at least not at home.

Oh, one last little funny: this morning, Mr. Computer was lecturing his cousins about a "lavatory where they make tornados". Bwaaaaaaaa!!!!!!!!!!!! Sorry, but I don't think that little project is going to make it to the Discovery Channel.

You sent the Dervish gold dredging? Oh. My. Word. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/eek.gif" alt="" /><img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/eek.gif" alt="" /><img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/eek.gif" alt="" /><img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/eek.gif" alt="" /> Won't Daddy and Uncle Neakbro be having fun?! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/crazy.gif" alt="" />

t&l

I still can't take too much time to post, as my editing is dragging on, and I really really oughta have it sent by tomorrow sometime, but I will 'splode if I don't start musing soon.

First piece of news, AJ completed an EN questionaire for me. Now I suppose it's time for me to do one, too, here in the near future. That alone is worth mulling over for a while, but I'll just have to stick with the cliff notes version of my life for now.

I saw the Gargmobile again in town the other day, which is probably why I dreamed of her quite extensively that night. Three days out the shadow is less, but I still think of her more often than I would like.

A couple little things that AJ did continue to reassure me of NC. Not that there were any recent doubts, but I always look for signs one way or the other.

Friday we were in town, driving down a major street, when we started to come up behind a Gargmobile going our direction, but next to us on a frontage road. I could tell as soon as he saw it, because his whole body tensed, and he pressed back into his seat. He relaxed - a little - as soon as he could see it wasn't actually her.

And he had a little brief fright today, when I told him we had gotten a final corporate bank statement from Umpqua Bank in Oregon, and asked if he had opened another bank account that I hadn't known about.

He was worried until I saw it was the exact same account number of the corporate bank account, and so this must simply be the parent company of our bank. Speaking of her with his now-customary disdain/disgust, he said that SHE had wanted to open a new bank account for the corporation, in which to put the $100,000 she wanted to loan him in 4/05.

Which led to another interesting little discussion of where she could have gotten the money, but back to the main point: before, while the A was still going on, he could not hide his feelings when he talked about her.

Now, although he tries very hard to be nonchalant, the loathing oozes from every pore, whenever he speaks of her. Which, of course, is not often.

It is all kind of weird, but normal I suppose, that if he still talked about her all the time it would bother me, and if I talked about her to him all the time it would bother him. BUT when we talk about her once in a great while as the need arises, I always feel very good, very cleansed, and much lighter afterwards, and when I talk about her on here fairly frequently as I process through stuff, it also makes me feel much better.

A friend of mine read a book by a man who had an A and left his family, then came back to his family and God. He said that as often as the BS is thinking of the WS, of all the things they did together, missing them, wondering about them, the WS is thinking those same thoughts too, and more as time wears on.

So it makes me wonder, just out of curiosity and not because it matters, because it doesn't, whether she still thinks of me as often as I think of her. Well, the one thing besides curiosity would be thinking it wasn't fair if she was just happily lalala on with her life, while I still struggle often. But the Bible reassures that "The way of the transgressor is hard."

Oh, and her XBF's truck has been back at her house for a couple of months, without the new GF's car, as long as we're on the subject of A-news.

AJ is on the road now, back driving truck. We'll see how long he lasts, but typically he starts missing his home and family very quickly, and I'm surprised he's still as enthusiastic as he is after 3 wks.

Trust is a hard thing, obviously, but he spends hours every day on the phone with me (he has free incoming), and I can always check very easily whether she (lol) is home or not. Just between you, me, and the gatepost, after Neaksis gets back from AZ, I may decide to do enough sleuthing to verify that she has a nice, regular job, and can't just go flying off to parts unknown any time she wants.

I mean, I don't have any sense he is doing something wrong, but it will be a looooooong time before the Defcon levels come down any more than they are. I don't check anything frantically as I did during and just after the A, but have reached a nice middle ground of checking quite often, enough to feel safe, but in a more relaxed way.

He has also taken reliable people with him much of the time, during which periods I almost completely relax. Oh sure, he could use a second phone or calling card if he wanted to, but it is not possible to check everything, and what I can't detect by vigilance, I trust myself to detect with a fog alarm. Eventually.

Supper and work call, but I have shrunk several sizes already. Hope everybody is having a wonderful week so far. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Neak-
I'm so happy to see things are going well for you and AJ. It is probably a constant battle to worry about gargmobile, but at least it keeps you on your toes.

I, on the otherhand, have not been as fortunate. It's amazing how much has changed for me in the one month since I posted to you. Not only do I have a new MB nickname, I'm on my way to the genuine divorce. We were not as lucky as you with the NC thingie. WS stayed away for 6 months, then started the friendship with the 21 year old again, which of course led to the SF, and much grossness.

Anyway, you are most certainly a great success story for the MB principles. You have held your head high, and managed not to lose respect for yourself or FWH along the way. I know you will always be watching for any signs of contact, and thus, if contact happens again, you will be on it so fast, and prevent further damage. Well done.

SC, I'm so sad to hear what your WH has done to you (again).

You are just as much an MB success story as I am, and in time you will feel like one, too.

A FWS renewing contact after months have gone by is the waking and sleeping terror of just about every new and especially seasoned-but-still-fairly-new BS on here. You are living the nightmare right now, but if there is one thing I have learned out of all this, it's that none of this pain will last forever. Your happy ending is still ahead of you, and that's a promise. It doesn't matter if your fairy tale has a different prince at the end of the story than at the beginning, or if there is no prince at all. The princess is a winner!

(Even if she doesn't feel like it right now.)

{{{{{{{{{{{Stonecold}}}}}}}}}}}}}}

She's baaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaack!

I grow less stunned with time, but it's still hard.

AJ is in OR, and we were playing with Yahoo Messenger to see if he can succeed in sending me a message. I logged onto his to see what his settings were, and up pops a message from the not-late, and unlamented Gargamel. (Well, I suppose it is lamented that he ever even spoke to her, much less anything else.)

With my little butterfingers, I managed to delete it before seeing the date, but I know it's fairly recent.


I am this close [] to posting her (freshly resurrected) yahoo id on here and asking everyone to send her large doses of the truth. But that would be even worse than rubbing poison oak on her door handle. TURN FROM THE DARK SIDE!!!!!!!!!!!

Don't quite know how I feel yet. Of course I told AJ immediately, and he was easily able to detect the hint of snide. While he detests hearing from her, it doesn't bother him very much. She is yeth-terday'th duckieth, ath far ath he ith contherned.

Well, no matter how I feel, really. Kids still have to go to bed, house still has to be cleaned, husband still has to be loved. It will pass. It will pass. It will pass.

Just had to share a little funny on the subject of meeting EN's.

The last couple of days, though I had tried to have other things in order, I kept striking out in the shower. Not like that. I kept having to run around chasing kids and gathering clothes to change into and whatnot, so 2x in a row I got in just in time for him to wash my hair and scrub my back, right before he got out.

So today I thought I would fix that. I scrubbed all the liquid foundation and talcum powder off the tub (thank you, Dervish), ran it full of bubble bath, and went out to tell him I needed his help with something.

He came in, looked around, and asked what I needed help with.

"What do you mean, what do I need help with?"

"Well, you asked me to help you with something. What is it?"

Straight face. "I really wanted the water level in the tub higher than it is now, but I don't want to add any more water into it. So what I really need is for you to give me some water displacement."

He started cracking up and called me his little nerd, one of my favorite nicknames. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" /> Then he kissed me and squeezed me, and soaked in the tub till his feet wrinkled.

All in all, an EN success day, I think.

(Can I discount the total screamy fit the Dervish threw at bedtime? Although him stepping in for some much-needed Daddy Discipline met some of MY en's, lol.)

I forgot this until just now, something AJ told me a couple months ago.

See, it seems that affairees are not really happy with each other just the way they are. They keep wanting the other person to change, or feeling as if they have to change themselves.

Maybe they think you can't truly be soulmates (gag) if you aren't identical twins, too.

AJ became a vegetarian while we were still dating, more than 11 years ago. (And it wasn't to please me, either. While I was gone on a trip with my family, he went from "I gotta have my steak!" to a full veggie-dude, having learned on his own more about a healthy diet, and deciding that's what he wanted.)

Gargamel is not a vegetarian.

First, she tried to convince him to eat meat again. I forget now, but he may have once or twice. I kinda think he did, but I'm not sure. Anyway, he ended up telling her that he was not going to eat meat.

Her solution? Was it to just simply allow each of them the space to eat the foods they wanted to eat? I think we all know the answer to THAT question, boys and girls.

Solution: "Well, then when you come live with me, I will become a vegetarian, and learn to cook vegetarian food for you."

ROFL!!!

In case I forgot to mention this, too, since it was from the same conversation, she also tried to get him to drink alongside her, perhaps being uncomfy being the only one of them passing out drunk from time to time. (He said that happened several times while he was with her, and greatly disgusted him.)

So first she tried to turn him into a drunken carnivore, and failing that, tried to turn herself into a drunken vegetarian. (Notice she did not offer to give up her alky.)

They just cannot be content with each other without major changes occurring, no matter how much they pretend to the contrary. And that is a part of the wakeup process, when all these little bits of reality intrude, showing the fantasy for what it is: a mirage.

Well, I hope that brightened someone's day; I am smiling, at least. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Still Seeking, you did it again. Upon arriving back from a mostly very unpleasant trip, during which one of the uppermost thoughts on my mind was the daydream of divorce, I read what you put on Mom's thread. Something like, "Hope all are well and happy. If well but not happy, repent."

That little one sentence sledgehammer changed the direction of my ship, and within the space of a couple of days, all is well on its way to on track.

From great discontent and an upsurge of resentment, to once again worshiping and praying together, and in unity of heart. We serve such a wonderful God!

I hope to have time to mull my way through this whole thing later, but for the reasons given over on Mom's thread, I am not going to try and do it tonight, and maybe not tomorrow either.

There are plenty of other thoughts burning holes in my mental pockets, too, but I wanted to give a summary, and to thank you for once again...."a word fitly spoken".

Be interested in hearing about the trip.

When I read about the conditions of the trip, I wondered how much "good" it would do for all of you.

AJ would have to be concerned about the load. Men are a little different about work than women. I imagined he would be taking care of the driving, and watching traffic, and not be paying too much attention to the kids, or to you. Even when stopped his mind may have been on work, not on all of you.

Of course, I have no idea how it really was. Would love to hear, but don't type it out unless it helps YOU.

We serve such a wonderful God!

Isn't that the truth. I wish everyone could know how it is.

Not always protection FROM problems, but such great help in getting through them.

Glad you are all home safe.
SS smiles.
Glad you are back on track. That's important.

SS

You'd never have known this if you could've seen the pleasant, smiling demeanor (hers) which stepped out of the truck when we met at Wal-Mart to get school supplies for the kiddies. Honestly, if it weren't for MB, how would the rest of the family ever know what was going on in that girl's head? <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" />

t&l

i just started reading this thread. can i say you are a total inspiration.

my WW will continue to feel my love even after all hostility is unleashed in my direction.

thanks for teaching me your patience and love.

go with God.

NC007, thanks for stopping by. All patience and love on this thread brought to you courtesy of God. My little store ran out a long time ago.

God will keep enough love in your heart to respond to your wife's vilifications with His grace. Mercy = undeserved favor.

I think my story is a good illustration that recovery is usually much harder than busting up an A in the first place. Periodic doubts from the great enemy notwithstanding, recovery is a very worthwhile endeavor, in spite of the ups and downs.

Do I ever regret choosing my marriage after the A? Sometimes, but only when I am cranky (usually when he is cranky), and never for very long at a time. I have come to recognize that as just part of the roller-coaster experience, and very normal. As time goes on, more and more of my life becomes good stuff, and less and less becomes doubting/resenting.

Knowing that I will keep cycling like this for a while, but going longer between downs, and having mostly ups, helps me not to completely lose perspective on those occasions when I start wondering if I did the right thing.

Affair-busting is like a stagger through the desert, parched and starving, out of your head with the pain of the heat and thirst, and just when you think you can't go on any longer, along come the locusts. When you finally come to in the oasis, you find that you have stumbled and crawled about 10 miles altogether, and a very rough ten miles it was!

Recovery is like a brisk hike from the east coast to the left. You have adequate food and water, at least most of the time (provisions may have been scanty at first, but hunting improved along the way), and much of the time the view is very beautiful and inviting. You do have deserts and dry spells, flies, the occasional disease or two, but you are much more alert and able to deal with them. They slow you down, but you just keep walking. And walking. And walking. For five thousand miles.

The affair time is very intense, but recovery requires tremendous endurance. And yet it is easier, too, because you have someone there to share it with you. (And even if you don't, your own healing will be just as beautiful. God never allows anyone to pass through the fire needlessly.)

I posted this on Mom's thread a couple months ago, but it fits in perfectly here.

i am looking at WW and i see her not even blinking at me when i try to care for her. Then she got a splinter in her feet (beach) and i offered to help. she pulled away from me. really felt bad thats what i have to do "plan A"

sometimes i wonder if its in vain then when i read your life playing out. i get really inspired.

thank you.

do you ever gat scared that it wouldnt work out?

During the A, I always had faith it would work out, right up until I discovered the false recovery.

During recovery, I have often been scared/wondered/doubted whether it would work or not.

When I really stop to think about it, and realize that except for normal blips in life, he is the same new and improved person he has been for the last year +, it helps me to see that even though it's his fault I am having the problem in the first place, it is something inside me that needs fixing. That his current actions are not the cause.

It reminds me of the Bible verse I found early on in recovery, "Though I have stolen nothing, still I must restore it." (That made me really mad at first. I am used to it now, most of the time.)

Since he made the problem, but is not currently contributing to it, that means it is a question of just recovering from the past, rather than whether we should be together now.

I don't know if I'm making sense or not. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" /> If things were generally bad now, or if AJ were not holding up his end of the bargain, that is when I would be completely and totally justified in taking a hard look at whether to continue the recovery.

But when he is doing very well now, and I am doing mostly well, to me that indicates more of a need of letting time do its work, than a huge flaw in the marriage as it is today.

Let me know if that didn't answer your question, or if I need to clarify. (Sometimes I can be too profound for my own good, lol.)

By way of a lala-land update, AJ just received a magazine which is issued yearly, "Insiders Betting Digest". AJ is not interested in sports, and does not gamble.

I can't remember if I have mentioned before that around the time he dumped Gargy he started getting subscriptions to 2 really trashy magazines, "Blender", and far worse, "FHM". (Hope I am not stepping on any toes here, but these are totally skanky, and FHM is one step up from porn.)

At the time, I asked AJ about them, and he said he did not get them. His credibility was so low at the time that I saw his lips moving and assumed he was lying, and didn't think much more about it, except to throw them away as they arrived whenever possible.

A few months ago, renewal notices arrived for both magazines, which I also threw away. AJ has not renewed them. Then, at nearly the same time (within the last few days), this new betting mag arrives, as well as a new Blender. That is when it finally began to dawn on me that he might have been telling the truth after all.

So I am conducting some inquiries, and will report if I find out anything interesting.

As Neaksis said, "If she was hoping for a reaction, I'm sure she will be disappointed that it was more than a year before you even thought of it." (Neaksis is snarky, but that is part of her charm. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />)

So maybe I'm a bit slow on the uptake. Even if it's not her, the possibility should have occurred to me before this. I'll temporarily surrender my Sherlock license before it's revoked.

To say nothing of wordy. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" />



Yes, that does seem to be a bit of a possibility here, doesn't it? <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/crazy.gif" alt="" /> And I think you might have shared the origin of those magazines with me, at least at some point BEFORE YESTERDAY, so they wouldn't have been such a shock for me to find every so often. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/eek.gif" alt="" /><img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/eek.gif" alt="" /><img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/eek.gif" alt="" /><img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/eek.gif" alt="" /><img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/eek.gif" alt="" /><img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/eek.gif" alt="" /> To say nothing of your poor, virginal sister. I've thought her eyes have been bugging out worse than usual lately...and now I know why! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/shocked.gif" alt="" />

t&l

cool. You know .there are days (like today) that i dont even know if i should persevere. i cannot see my light at the end of the tunnel.

things may get worse before they get better. then my faith in God isnt much (based on me trying to play God:acting as if he is too slow)

pray that your recovery is total.

pray for me too.

Jamaica - wow!

Sorry you're having a discouraging day. The bad news is they will come in recovery, too, the good news is you will have plenty of good days, too.

God is guiding each of us through a process, very slow it may seem to us, and often painful, but he is working out a far greater plan than we can see, wonderful and eternal.

Uh oh, Neaksis just called and may be having car trouble, so I've got to dash early to get the kids to school. I will say a prayer for you on the way. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Mom, I got one step closer to finding our mysterious benefactor. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" /> Be back later.

You know......you sound pretty cool. Wise beyond your years spiritually.

She said that she is trying to take it one day at a time. then she has not moved out as yet (maybe because i asked God to block all the exits).

i am praying and still pray that God give me patience as he did you. I want this to end like Yesterday.

As we say here " TEK IT EASY MY GIRL" (be calm and at peace, my girlfriend)

one luv.

I don't know if I am exactly wise (technically I do know, and I'm not very wise, maybe just have learned a little in spots), but no question I'm a different person than I was before. Mostly for the good, and the bad that has developed as a result of this experience, I try to either eliminate as it comes to my attention, or channel into more productive areas. Sometimes it even works. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

So much on my mind, with not enough time to say it right now, so I will just give a boring update on the magazine thing.

It has slipped through the company cracks, and there is no record of where it came from.

There is one company that they mentioned sometimes purchases subscriptions for their customers, but AJ doesn't remember if he has ordered from them. (It is car stuff.) So who knows? And since I probably will never know one way or the other for sure, who cares?

Life goes on, till the next time. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />