None of these talks are easy Neak.. I would be surprised if it was.
I still get this sick empty feeling and would like to avoid the discussion but sometimes it just has to be done!

Avoidance is the killer. Its the ideal breeding ground for resentment & entitlement.(Expert here known to have delved a few times <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" /> ) But its great to see you feeling good about the outcome especially as it must of been so hard to hear.[[[[Neak]]]] yuck in fact.
I'm still amazed and a bit uneasy that I could have acted as I did. Its so weird how your whole value system can just be thrown away. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/crazy.gif" alt="" />

TL ...STOP being rebellious.. did I give permission? well I can't remember but if its not in writing it didn't happen! (its the public servant coming out) <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/tongue.gif" alt="" />
however you may be 'exceedingly' as often as required.
<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/pfft.gif" alt="" />

Don't tell the diet crew ..... I have Swiss chocolate to share ...if they don't know I have it then it can't be counted <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

KD, so good to hear from you! A big double-CONGRATS for the major accomplishments of having the A faded to the past, and your graduation.

I want to hug you and spank you for what you said about talents. Please, do not doubt your wonderfulness. We each have our own talents, equally important, and what matters is if we make use of them. Sure, you'll be scared, but change is always scary. And you WILL do fine!!!!!!!! (That's an order! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />)

You are quite correct about Gargy, and I think that's the biggest reason why it is taking so much longer to have the experience fade. I have lots more to say on the subject of Taking Back My Hill, but will have to restrain myself a few more days till I finish my final edit.

Any attempts to get into his email are now history (insert smug laughter.) You can't hack into an email if you have no clue what it is.

Don't remember if I said this here, but when Yahoo failed to delete the old account, I filled it up with scads of copies of my book, which I copied and pasted into a 7,000k+ file, lolol. So by the time I logged out for the last time, it was overflowing, and nothing could be sent or received. All incoming messages now bounce back with a Mailer Daemon, to let the sender know it failed. Mwaaahaaahaaaa.

Since Neaksis didn't chime in for herself, I will answer on her behalf. She is doing pretty good, now has a 2yo foster kid in addition to the baby and her own 3, so she really has her hands full.

She paces every day, hoping the advance copies of the kids book will arrive. We are both dying to see the illustrations. (We have never been fully illustrated before. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />)

She is also excited about going to Boise next month to help promote said book. Naturally she will have to go shopping, as nothing in her closet is fit to wear! Ok, so I felt the need for a new outfit, too.

Give us a holler when you find out where you're going to be working, so we can all congratulate you some more!
{{{{{{{{KD}}}}}}}}}}}

Mom, you have no idea how hard it is for me to get through even a single conversation without saying something unfortunate about nuts. Self-soothing is nothing compared to my problems with nuts.

For the record, in case anyone had a question, by self-soothing, I simply meant mentally patting myself on the head and saying, "There, there."

This seems to be a good time to mention my latest mishap with nuts.

Weekend before last, a dear lady invited the children and me (AJ was still in Texas) to have lunch with her and her husband. I am thinking nice, regular Sabbath lunch. She was thinking fancy literary soiree.

I was a nervous wreck having the kids, especially the Dervish, at her fancy house overlooking a wide valley, and full of breakable things. The kids had their own table with toys and coloring books set out at each place, while the adults had a very fancy table, complete with names at each place.

She had even invited another good friend, also an author, and her parents-in-law, whom I absolutely adore, despite the fact that they are the grandparents of an old BF. (They always said if he broke up with me, they would dump him and keep me. They were dee-lighted with the kids, since they have no grandchildren of their own.)

So anyway, august company. And social dunce me. Maybe it doesn't come across here, since I am very facile on the keyboard, but in person I stick my foot in my mouth with alarming regularity.

My hostess began talking about some local nut trees where they go to pick nuts. Why oh why do I not just keep my mouth shut, smile, and nod politely?

As the conversation meanders among the nut trees, I break in with a grand pronouncement. "My husband gave me nuts." There is a sudden silence. Of course I mean the children, so I try once more to convey this. "Three of them."

Nervous rustles. I can read their minds. "Three of them - that must be some trick!"

"Mmmmm! This is delicious dessert!" I wisely keep my mouth full of food for a time.

I have vowed not to ever speak of nuts again outside the house, and especially not in Boise. No nuts!!! Ever!!!!!!

(Just this morning Neaksis was discussing with us how hard it was for her to go into the hardware store and ask for help with the screws, without being obscene. I am just glad I am not the only one with a problem.)

AW, it's hard for me to believe you were ever a WW, too. You are such a strong person, of morals and integrity, and it's hard to picture you as anything else. If I hadn't seen what happened right in front of me, I wouldn't understand it at all.

I was actually surprised that I had a little trouble, and thankfully it was only a little. The other times didn't bother me at all. I think as time goes by, I get more sensitive to some things, and less sensitive to others. But for this, I know it was very important that I be there to listen, without giving in to any negative feelings, just as I want him to be there for me in the same way. And the dividends were high. Lots of information that is very helpful to me, long term and short term.

The more I have seen of how bad Fantasyland really was, the better I feel about the reality I am able to provide.

<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/cool.gif" alt="" />

This has been a triggery day. Nothing so acute as the last time, just a number of things at once that are kind of heavy together, and I am still working on setting them down. The really good news is I hardly ever have days like this any more, they are almost all good.

I don't know the exact day, but as a general time frame, this is around the time when he first boinked the saur, so there was that already.

Last night I found out that the XBF who had been cohabitating (along with his new GF) with Gargy, died a month ago at the age of 37, cause of death listed only as "unexpected".

Turns out he had married the PG GF, who then had their baby less than 2 wks before mine died. All very sad, and now a young widow and fatherless baby of 16 months.....with Gargy listed on the obit as a "good friend".

I haven't decided yet whether to tell AJ or not. On the one hand, PORH, and on the other hand, nothing in Gargy's life is his business - ever. I also think it would tempt him to want to contact her and offer his condolences, since one of the things that exacerbated his knight in shining armor syndrome at the start of the A, was how lonely and alone she was, most family and friends far away, and only her XBF to care for her. Though I don't think he would give in to a C temptation, it seems like it would be better to avoid it entirely.

Now he is dead, and she is more lonely and more alone. (I say this without malice, but truly the way of the transgressor is hard. Also, I am not the only one who expressed a hope that now maybe she would consider going back to WI.)

So far, not telling is winning, but I'm not sure. I wouldn't decide on a day like today, anyway.

Then, this morning. I am proud of myself for not shutting down involuntarily. I did have to let my mind wander on purpose, though, but at least I was in control of it.

While I was talking to AJ on the phone, he told me to log onto his Sirius radio account, so I could listen to the song that was playing, an instrumental version of a Garth Brooks number. It was staticky right at the moment he said the name, and I couldn't get online right then anyway, so he turned up the sound so I could hear it on the phone.

Noooooooooo!!!!!!!!!! It did not take but a moment to recognize the Evil Song that shut me down at Wal Mart that time. (No offense to Garth Brooks.)

Isn't it beautiful, Neak?
Mmmmmmmmmmm.

I debated telling him, but didn't feel a need to spoil something that he likes, and make it so he thinks of her when he hears it. He was obviously thinking of me, and I'm good with that, albeit with visions of hatchets dancing in my head.

He teased me, wish you could play the piano like that...well I can, and told him so. I just have this fear that now he will try to do one of those sweet romantic things, and get me the sheet music or something. (Please, dear Lord, help him forget.)

If he did, I would thank him, swallow my bile, and set about claiming that dumb song as 'ours' and not 'hers'. Either that or pay the Dervish to take it out back and leave it in a mud puddle. Oops..... <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

There were a few other little things, too, that I don't think I would even have noticed normally. As I had promised him I would, I let AJ know that today was difficult, and just asked him to pray for me.

And I have done some housecleaning therapy, too, trying to outrun the shadow.

Ah vell, tomorrow is another new day. And I am very grateful for all my blessings.

Either that or pay the Dervish to take it out back and leave it in a mud puddle.

My first thought was - you probably wouldn't have to pay him.

The next - it may be a really bad thing to put ideas like that into his head.

As far as talking to AJ about the song -
You know that sometimes we talk when things are fresh on our minds and we say things we shouldn't say. Often we don't talk, and it eats away at us until we react........ in a less than perfect manner.

Have you worked out a system for identifying things that really need to be discussed.......... and then can you talk about them just fine and get them taken care of? How are you doing with that?

SS

PS,
I hope God gives you the ability to out run the shadow all this week.

SS

Today has been really good. *Neak does the happy dance, since SS is back for a visit.*

You're right, I wouldn't have to pay le Dervishe.

I wouldn't call it a system of identification, exactly, more of a sliding scale, allowing for variables like how much it bothers me, how often it is likely to occur, etc. AJ's thoughts and feelings are in there too, but are not the main factor.

With that song, it bothered me enough I might have to talk to him if he did it all the time, but the other factor is that is the first time it has ever happened, that he had anything to do with. So at this point it is a no-talker, but that could change later.

If *shudder* he did get me the sheet music or sumpin, the only reason that wouldn't automatically upgrade to "talk" would be not wanting to spoil an effort to be thoughtful, if possible.

The trigger from the other week was also rare, but bothered me so acutely that that alone was enough to put it on the talk list.

It really bothers me when he takes me back to our favorite Chinese restaurant, which he polluted with her. But I go, and I smile, because the first two sliding scale categories are, in that instance, outweighed by a third. I will not be driven out of MY restaurant - which was mine for many years before I met him - just because he befouled it with her.

Even though I struggle with anger every time, I succeed; I win. I will NOT have the A ruin everything, dadgummy! Some things I just have to take back by brute force and sheer willpower. It all depends on how much I care about ... whatever it is.

(I think of it as peeing on stuff. Then it makes me smile. I have marked out a lot of territory now. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />)

So good hearing from you! Send my greetings to the rest of the family.

<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/cool.gif" alt="" />

I don't know if I can be of much help with the bad memories, and triggers, since I have not experienced it myself.

Many report they go back to some of the places and have a taking back ceremony. Most often it has involved Motels, and things we can't discuss in detail. I don't know what you could do in a a Chinese restaurant - except maybe have a big party, and make it yours again. I'm sure Neak sis would come if you paid her way.

I hope she has a good sense of humor, but then, she is your sister.

What do you suppose Jesus meant when he said "Be of good cheer, I have overcome the world."

Will it always be a struggle for us in this life?

or

Will we reach the point where our faith is strong enough that we no longer worry about many or most of these kinds of things?

I don't expect answers, but leave you to think on it.
It seems to do me good to ponder sometimes.

Ah - but then, I don't have small children at home. (grin)

SS

Bwaaaaaaaa!!!!!!!!!!!!

Some very <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/blush.gif" alt="" /> mental pictures spring to mind. Poor Theresa, the owner, and all the patrons of King Tsin would never be the same again!!!

I'm still battling to take back my hill (literal hill) from her, though making progress. The weird thing is, I am not fighting her for it, I am fighting myself.

I am getting too groggy to tackle that tonight, but I have alluded to it before, and it is something that continues to be a daily part of life. Lately I have gotten a few more corners firmly under me.

It all boils down to: I got tired of skulking around my own little town. Sometimes I still forget and skulk nervously, but as soon as I catch myself doing it, I straighten my spine and drive serenely and with confidence. No one notices but me, but that's what counts.

If anyone should be skulking, it should be.......not me.

<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

Happy little picture of Friday night at the Neak house:

AJ is back in TX, and got a room in Van Something. Doren? I can't remember now. Somewhere almost to El Paso. #149, whichever town it ended up being in.

So he wanted to have worship with all of us. I put the portable phone on speaker, and the kids and I all prayed with him, then set the phone on the piano while we played and sang.

He got to hear the music, the Dervish causing trouble, kids fighting, playing humns, it was just like being home, almost. And with his voice right there in the midst of us, it was almost like he was there with us, too. Shaped like a portable phone.

By the time we finished singing, he was getting very sleepy, and was so happy to have been home....almost.

<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Good faith questions.

Is all of the above an option? I'm not sure of the answer, either, but liked the questions.

I'm still battling to take back my hill (literal hill) from her, though making progress. The weird thing is, I am not fighting her for it, I am fighting myself.

Wasn't it the same with Jesus?
And isn't that a good clue about life?

I hope the Sabbath was a delight. I think it's one of the greatest blessings God could have given us.

How would you rate your personal recovery?

What are you most concerned about still?

SS

A good clue about life - agreed. Our biggest battles are in our own minds.

Sabbath was wonderful! I saw my old 7th-8th grade teacher, who is now almost 82. He was positively delighted to see me, and said several times he would sleep better that night for having seen me. (I went up to Paradise for their alumni weekend thingy, just for lunch and a little bit of the afternoon.) It was what you could call "an high day". <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

My personal recovery is coming along, not perfectly, but well overall.

My main frustrations/concerns:

My lack of concentration. Hands down #1 thing that bothers me. My mind is like buckshot. But far better buckshot than even a short time ago. So I trust it will continue to get better, even if I wish it already were done.

Triggers and still some extreme startle reflexes. Mostly just annoying, but there on the radar.

Contact attempts from Certain People. This is not huge for me, but since even all this time later, every so many months something has happened, it is there in the back of my mind. Having changed all AJ's email addys now, the only avenues open that I can think of are snail mail and physically tracking him down. So I feel better on the one hand, because it would be so hard for her to get anything through, and on the other hand I feel worse because if (and I do say if) she is still determined enough, she could get to him in person. Even if he handled it correctly on his end (I believe he would - just as he has done with all the other attempts that he found first), it would still be hard.

Still, I am doing very well. Mostly happy, getting healthier, enjoying the tender treatment I get from my H. (And on those few occasions where he is grumpy, enjoying having some normal problems to work out.)

He came home for a little bit, and the Dervish and I go out with him tomorrow for a quick run to Washington. (We were supposed to leave tonight, but the bed grabbed ahold of him and wouldn't let go. So we are leaving right after the kids head off to school.)

Warning: possible TMI ahead. He told me this morning, "When I get home, you'd better not say a word. Just walk into the house and start taking off your clothes." <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/blush.gif" alt="" />

It soothes me even yet to be so eagerly wanted, and he is unrecognizable now as the man who turned so coldly away from my kisses. And my hugs. And all gestures of affection. It is hard to believe I am talking about the same person; he loves me so much now.

I guess that would sum up the marital recovery front...not perfect, nothing ever is, but so much good! He continues to put out a great deal of effort, and I am grateful for it.

I'll let you know how Washington was. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Neak
its so good to see things are continuing to improve for you. As for getting back YOUR place in the local world, its a bit like reclaiming a part of your life in a way, at least it is for me. No, it is reclaiming a part of you and a bit of the 'us' of you both.

Do you find the silliest things can cause uneasiness? Its frustrating.

But great to see you both are working on all this bit by bit.
<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

I'm sure you can handle hugging AJ very well so give him an extra hug from me. lol <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/tongue.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/pfft.gif" alt="" />

Consider it done! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

I guess I was a bit behind on my reading, because I just saw the stuff about King Tsin restaurant. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/eek.gif" alt="" /> Food for the stomach AND the mind. However, Neak, I don't think you stated strongly enough just how bad things would have to be before you would give up on King Tsin. They make the best vegetarian Chinese food in the world, hands down. We don't go there often because there are so many of us that it's hard to afford, but giving up the chance to go there ever again? It's worth some effort to reclaim it for her own, since the cost of giving up that excellent food is inordinately high.

And all I can say about the walking naked into the house thingie...please tell me he came home after dark (for the neighbors) and after bedtime (for the children)!! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/blush.gif" alt="" /> I think for Christmas this year, I'll give you something you obviously don't already have. AN INHIBITION. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" />

t&l

I interpreted it to mean, go into the bedroom, THEN take off my clothes. Just don't talk while doing it. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

"Daddy, Mommy TOLD us we had to go watch TV, right now!!!!!!!!!!"

Lolololol!!!!!!!!

Neak, you know everyone is different.......
(And BTW, I know that you already understand and know about the things I bring up, but I figure talking about them usually helps.)

People are different, and I hope you don't compare yourself to others, and feel you have to meet some arbitrary standard for how your mind works, and how organized you are. I expect you WILL continue to do better, and better. God works that way in our lives as we continue to try to improve ourselves.

It is good to see you two become closer. What a blessing. Most of the problems of marriage can be worked out when the parties involved are deep in love. (That is Harleys premise too.) Of course, it also depends upon the values of both, and how well they live those values. Love won't make up for some things.

Safe Journey.

SS

Can you be cranky and yet smug at the same time?

It was an accident that I found out. I had to add an event into my calendar, and wanted to see if I was linked to AJ's new(er) email address. While I was in there, just for fun, I looked to see what he had put down for his birthday, which is coming up in just over a month.

It was rather disturbing to see that exactly one week after his birthday, which is Gargamel's birthday, was a reminder for "Jonathan F. Smoot's Birthday". <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" />

A quick internet search revealed that the only Jonathan F. Smoot who came up lived oddly close to Gargamel's family, school, etc. He may even be a distant relative of some sort.

Of course my first quick thought was that he was back in contact. That is my bogeyman, and sometimes haunts my dreams yet. But I just couldn't believe he could be back with her, without the old alien popping up. And to put her in his regular email? Very unlikely.

Thoughts of his nearly two years of trustworthy behavior led me to look for another explanation first, and I was able to verify that it had simply transferred automatically over from his previous email, the one he had during the A.

Only a few mouse clicks, and the offending reminder was gone. Thus I am smug at my effeciency, and cranky, well, for obvious reasons.

Still, I have to laugh. Ross....Jonathan.....there seems to be a theme here. It was fleetingly tempting to have all of you send birthday cards to 'Mr. Smoot', lololol, but I am too nice for that. (I will keep telling myself that.)

*********************

Moving is in the early stages of proceeding. I am meeting with the realtor this Wednesday, and see where we go from there.

It will be such a relief. One of the things I like best about the truck trips, even the very tiring ones, is that we are breathing fresh air, far from any taint. It feels like that, anyway. And coming home, as I get closer, it feels like there is a weight that settles back in on my shoulders, from knowing that she is here, and now I am too.

One thing that is weird, is although the idea of AJ driving really bothered me at first, it is much easier for me to have him gone far away, and know that she is still here.

By now I worry very little that he will take the initiative to contact her, but still worry what would happen if she tracked him down and ambushed him. (I worry much less after the stellar way he handled all those attempts at electronic C; letting me know when it happened each time. Awesome trust-builder! Still, it would be much harder in person.) Her chances of tracking him down on the road without his cooperation are slim. Not quite zero, but almost. Needle in a haystack. About the only way would be to follow him from the house, and he would notice if anyone was following.

But even though it's easier for me to be here and him gone, it's still hard to be here.

I have mentioned before how hard it was to start taking the kids up to school every day, just down the road from her house. I saw her often, and it was just difficult.

So I went on a campaign to take back my hill. The only way I could make myself do it at first was with a bad attitude. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" /> Think wrestler, not evil person. "I belong here. She does not belong here. These are my towns. These are my stores. These are my roads. That is my hill. I can go where I want, when I want, any old way I want, and nothing she can do will change anything. I am lean! I am serene! I am queen of the hill!"

Honestly, nothing changed on the outside. I still went the same places and did the same things. But in my heart, I stopped skulking around as if I was an intruder, and exuded a confidence I did not feel. At first.

Not that I have it all down pat yet, but it is much more second nature. I go into the bank, and it is not her bank, it is my bank. I go into the print shop, and it is not where her friend works, it is the nice friendly people who print my promotional material for me. My Wal Mart. My Safeway. My gas stations. My roads. My parks. My Taco Bell. You get the picture.

There has to be some other reason, because as I said, I did not change my schedule, only my attitude, but the alien sightings stopped. In the last many months, this last week was the only time I even might have seen her, and I'm not sure about that one. The only times I've seen her car at all have been when I drove to MY doctor's office on MY road, and go past her own property, the one little space of CA that I will grudgingly own as hers. (I would much rather own that a little corner of WI is hers, but we can't have everything......)

I never count those as sightings anyway.

There is only one remaining frontier for me to challenge, since in the above area I have expanded my territory to a comfortable level, and continue to expand with time.

But walking around in the stores, I tend to startle every time I see a female of the right age range, with long brown hair. I think I manage to keep from starting visibly, but couldn't swear to it. "Is that one her?"

It is an instinctive, and thus far uncontrollable response. My logical brain kicks in and evaluates the nose size ("Nope, too small"), and weight ("Nope, way too skinny"), but it still bugs me.

Part of me wishes I had known what she looked like well enough so I would only jump if I saw her, and not all these other poor innocent brunettes, but unfortunately that would involve looking at her. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" /> The times I have seen her in profile, she looked nothing like the picture Neaksis found on the internet.

Not sure what the answer is on that one, except to keep gliding royally, and trying not to let it show.

SS, all this is why I said I was not fighting her for the hill, but myself.

Originally, I was fighting her, indirectly, because I saw her all the time.

Once I essentially stopped seeing her (Mr. Smoot, bwaaaaaaa), the battle remaining was only in my mind. It still is. I am battling for which thoughts will hold supremacy.

I just accept that for one hour a day, it will be a little harder, and require more attention to keep my thoughts in line, then life goes on as usual. Which is to say, very well.

My sweetheart just called to say how much he misses me, so I'll chat with him a bit.

How are all of you? <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Neak
so good to see you getting 'back' your neighbourhood and town!!

I cannot imagine how bad it must be to have that gut sickening thought of recontact [[[[hugs]]]] ... horrible.
But the RELIEF to know it was a result of the email change over must be good, though I suspect it still is so %$%##%$%^%$!! to have to be in that position even so. yes?

I wonder if I should send you that punching bag? You may paint a face on it <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/crazy.gif" alt="" />
Well trust but verify is still my motto and I insist on doing it for Aussie, he just thinks I'm a bit wacko though. But I feel better doing it and leaving no doubt where, what and why I'm somewhere, or not as the case may be.
Does it give you some reassurance? I hope it does for Aussie but I never really know.

As for the move... well I feel a 'not sure' is coming from you on that one. A big relief on one hand but some but minus points on the other.
Are your thoughts settled on it? Have you settled on any area/state?
Of course you do realise that if you move to Texas you have to dye your hair blond and have it fluffed up don't you? <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/tongue.gif" alt="" />