Tips/ideas?

Serene, you will just need to look for opportunities to attract him back and avoid lovebusters. You know what he likes best so try to do things that he likes.

No, not immediately. It was about 1 month later. I wanted to do it with a MC we trusted and we jumped around a bit with MC during that time. Once we had an established relationship with one, I asked how best to reveal this information. I felt he knew I was lying and that unless I was honest, we had no chance anyway. I know now I should not have waited so long. I did not want to keep hurting him and I was dealing with the fallout of his A at that time, as well. It all happened around the same time.




Correct.



Good question. I never felt he was ever committed completely to R. There were times he seemed to be trying harder (that was in the beginning), but we kept fighting, LB'ing, and hurting each other. My coping mechanisms do not dovetail well with his.

I suspect that they probably did not talk for a short while and then someone made an overture. I am fairly certain now that it was back in full swing about 1-2 mos. after he said he went NC. So, I do not think we spent much time in R because his A kept going (may have never really stopped).

We have very, very, little time together. I can try to do it then and in e-mail and TMs. I assume I should be flirting with him and trying to meet his most important ENs.

Would be hard to meet SF (a very high need) and not sure I am willing to expose myself to STDs either. I may have already been. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />

Serene,

It is time for a little homework. Let me ask you a few questions. First let's sort a few things out OK?

Why did your H love you? What attracted him to you?

Did he like your smile?
Did he like your laugh?
Did he like the way you wore certain clothes, perfume, etc?
Did he enjoy your company?
Did you make him feel good about himself?

I am asking you these things for a reason. People and especially men are not only visually oriented, they are tactilely (new word I think <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" /> ) oriented and even scent oriented.

Spend some time and recall what it was he liked about you and then start to do those things again. I am pretty sure he did not like seeing you cry or in emotional distress. I am betting he liked you a lot when you seemed to be confident of who you are. Plan A is about several things: meeting needs that the WS will allow, no love busters, boundaries established, but there is a more subtle part to it, that is not discussed. Plan A is about memories and shared history and that history is not just events although very important, or children (again important) it is about smells, smiles, touches, shared jokes, subtle things.

You are having limited contact with him, but when you do bring to bear on this the full arsenal of weapons. Look good, smell as he remembers you, if he comes to the home for kids, have something good smelling in the oven. All of these things will jog memories. Further, when you talk to him in person, look him in the eyes (honesty is big right?) and touch him on the hand or the arm, something that establishes contact without forcing a reaction from him.

Next, sit down and take the EN quiz as if you were him. Then think about the EN's you weren't meeting and start to meet those. You mentioned SF, but right now that is not likely for you. However, I would bet that honesty has moved up his list right now, so be very very honest with him, and look him in the eyes when you are honest. Now there is radical honesty (encouraged heavily on this site) and there is brutal honesty. You can be very very honest without LB'ing and being brutally honest. One of the ways to figure out that line is to study up on one of the most deadly of all LB's, the disrespectful judgement, DJ. Make very sure you are not DJ'ing when you are being honest with him. That means don't assume you understand what he is feeling, thinking, or wanting. You will find that honesty devoid of DJ's is often honesty well received, even if they don't like the message.

There is more to do, but start here; that is my recommendation.

God Bless,

JL

He liked my confidence, strength, my inner beauty (his words), how I care for others, and my sense of humor. He likes when I wear things that show my figure. He does like a certain scent of mine. He likes my laugh and my smile. I made him feel good about himself, in the beginning, and then I focused too much on what he was not doing instead of what he was. Prior to the A, he was very complimentary of my looks. We were best friends and really enjoyed each other's company. It was always so easy to be with him-- we did not have to do anything. That is what I miss the most <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />

Thank you so much, JL, this is great, great advice!

Serene,

Reading your response, I hope you realize how badly you have blown it. It sounds as if the man was in love with you. I would guess that his biggest need is respect and you lost that for him and thus had the affair.

What has changed? Why would respect him now? How would you protect him from having another affair? You need to consider these things for I believe you may have need of this information and probably sooner than later.

Recovery of a marriage is a narrow path so do your homework NOW. By homework I mean learning to understand your decision making, where it went wrong, how you would do it better and what you want in a husband. I suspect he has no idea what he could do to protect himself from your decision making and thus he has sought refuge elsewhere. He has made a bad choice, he should have simply divorced you if he could not deal with this. But, his lack of filing has given you an opportunity, use it wisely.

Get a plan together, talk about it here. I and others will offer advice as we have it. But, be ready to face yourself first and foremost. As Dorry can tell you both parties having an affair makes for a huge mess.

Hang in there this can be overcome, but it will take work, some luck, and a lot of time and patience.

God Bless,

JL

JL-

I am fully aware that my lack of coping mechanisms and my selfishness and unwillingness to share my pain with him is what led to my A. I have thought long and hard about what weakness I have that led to the A. We both know now that we were not meeting the other's most important ENs.

The wonderful things I described about my H were not how things were when the A occurred. That is part of what I missed...knowing he felt those things for me. I had come to doubt his love for me and felt he only wanted me for SF. The things I described about him were the way things had been in the past when I had no doubts about his love for me. When the A occurred, things had not been good for some time. Unfortunately, I was not self-aware enough to be able to understand why I was not happy and I did not want to hurt him by letting him know that I had lost some of my love for him. I recognize now that my Love Bank was running low (as was his). We had gotten so caught up in life, we had lost sight of each other, but our friendship kept us going and masked that some of the love and romance had faded.

My H has treated me quite cruelly in the last year. I try to tell myself that under all that anger/pain is the man I love, but I worry sometimes that he has been too changed by my actions. He does not act like himself and can be horrible to me and our 2 kids. I see glimpses of my H, but now that I know the A is on-going, it explains some of the behavior. I admit that I have been having a hard time feeling respect for him due to the shabby treatment.

I have considered quite a bit who I am, what I want and need in a H. Again, I love my H very much, but this past year has shown me sides of him that I do not care for. My hope is that it is the fog with pain/anger/hurt mixed in.

I would not still be trying to save my M if I did not think it was worth it. We have been going through this for about a year, but I still believe in us. Sometimes I let the fear take over and that is not a good thing.

I am working on a plan as we speak...that is why I was asking for input. I would love for us to be a MB success story!

Listen carefully to the wonderful advice of JL...

I did the same questioning of myself in developing MY PLAN...

Be open to taking a long, hard look and yourself and changing for the better. This will not only help your marriage but, most importantly, yourself...

You are so blessed to have the benefit of his direction here...

Mimi-

I have seen you post to others about how important it is to work on yourself (I think I even may have printed one of your posts about this). I am currently in IC and have been doing a lot of reading about myself. I am a work in progress, but I am pleased with some of my changes, though I know I have quite a ways to go. I know I want to change for myself first and foremost. The way I am sometimes hurts me and those around me. I do not want it to be like that anymore.

Can you remind me again what your plan was (I seem to remember feeling you and I were similar in our temperaments)?

Thanks for helping me, all of you. I have my appt with Steve in a few minutes, any questions you can think to ask him? I have heard he is very good with developing a plan.

I probably won't have chance to catch up on your situation prior to your session.

Will be looking forward to hearing what Steve has to say and I will get back to you later...

<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/cool.gif" alt="" />

Hey, Mimi-

Was your Plan A when your WH was at home or mostly after he left? I feel like I was doing well with my Plan A before he left and I am keeping it up now, but I worry it may not be enough. He does continue to reach out to me though, which I am now wondering if he is in a bit of withdrawal from me and seeking his fix <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

Will let you know how the appt goes.

The most effective parts of My Plan A were when he was home..

<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/cool.gif" alt="" />

Were you able to tell if he noticed? I feel like I have done a pretty good Plan A myself. How long after left did you go to Plan B?

Steve suggested I Plan A for now (will re-evaluate based on how I am doing). Said I need to be more consistent in my messages and that sometimes I seem to be mixing in a bit of Plan B. We discussed the pros/cons of going to Plan B now. He wants me to monitor our progress and if things change suddenly for the worst, we are not making progress, or I cannot keep my energy up for Plan A/risk of LB'ing, then we will look at Plan B.

So what's your plan for plan A - how are you going to be more consistent?

I know it's tough when you yourself have had an A...Plan A seems to be a little different for a FWS...

Serene,

It is good to hear you have gotten the advice of an expert. I think you really need to consider making your plan A a multimedia experience when you do have contact with him.

Smiles, well dressed, touch, smell, bring out all of the guns on this one, and do it consistently. You will leave a vision in his head.

Just remember Plan A is like planting a garden. You put the seeds in, you tend to the soil, keep the weeds out, water, and "patiently" wait for them to sprout. Not all of them do, so you plant more than one seed.

So prepare your garden well, plant your seeds and then tend it. It does not take constant tending, but it must be consistent and focused. You can do this.

God Bless,

JL

JL:

You are outdoing your ownself!!!



THIS IS ABSOLUTELY WONDERFUL!!!

Goood plan JL <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Hmmmm - I think I need to give my H a multimedia experience...not even in plan A - it's just such a good idea!!!

k mm m mm