I have reviewed what I think his ENs are and trying to make sure I follow JL's advice. I felt that there was a lot of insight in his post about what makes a life/home and what attracts us to our spouse. There are so many intangible things that connect me and my H...one of the main things being our history.
As Steve said, the OW cannot hold a candle to me. I think Mimi once posted about that too-- one thing she mentioned was the type of laundry detergent that is used. It is not any one thing that makes you love someone, it is a lot of things and JL's post really got me thinking.
I think one thing I have to remember is that to get our love back, I will have to risk being hurt again by him. At times, I find myself holding back and putting up some boundaries to try and prevent being hurt. I think that is where some of the inconsistency comes from. Steve did advise me to be somewhat guarded as the WS will hurt me with words and actions. He said I needed to protect myself and my feelings for my H.

JL-

I have to say I just love these posts. Any ideas like these that you have that are concrete ways to meet ENs are very appreciated. I have already been working on some of the things you have said. Any tips on what I should do when talking on the phone or e-mailing? I know I should listen/show interest in what he is saying and be upbeat, but was wondering whether I should flirt with him outright.

I struggle a bit with not wanting to look needy or desperate. Right now, he is making overtures to me and that has been very nice, but I do not want him to see it as one-sided either.

And, do I let tell him I love him and want the M to work, or just show him I do?

Is it OK if I initiate touches/kisses, or should I wait for him to? I want to do these things and it is one of his ENs, but again, I am struggling with what is "OK".




Thank you, words of encouragement are really nice to hear.

Keep the ideas coming JL, they are so helpful. I will listen to any and all advice. I want my M to work and want to make sure I do everything I can to make that happen.

I found it best, as JL suggested to you, to do what worked in the beginning of your relationship, during your courtship.

Even my FWH told me this, "What I like hasn't changed...you just stopped doing it..."

So if he used to like for you to outwardly flirt with him..do that...

Unlike the OW, you know what your H desires, you don't have to guess or ask him what he likes....

I'm encouraging you to BE CONFIDENT...you know what to do...

<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/cool.gif" alt="" />

Mimi and Dorry-

How did you keep your energy level up during Plan A? I feel like I am falling to pieces at a time when I know I need to keep my strength up for Plan A. I feel good about what I accomplished while he was here (obviously, made a few mistakes here and there), but I am scared it may not have been enough. Yet, right now, my heart is breaking and I am struglling to find the inner strength to do this. I worry that I may need to go to Plan B sooner rather than later because I have been hurting for so long, yet, I read other posters' Plan B posts and it does not feel like Plan B is a respite from the chaos. So, that makes me feel like I should tough it out and continue to work on Plan A if I am going to be hurting no matter which way I go.

Please, I need your help, I feel so lost right now <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />

^ bump again

Well I only plan A'd for a week before H left...and when he left we were mile apart and he called 3 times and only talked to the kids those 3 times...he also visited once, two days before his confession.

TI didn't need to keep up energy because of this. What I did do though is make sure ALL conversations were about HIM and his work, and his life, and NOT about mine, not once...and only about the kid if he asked. If he asked what I was up to, I would be very vague - oh been busy - our visiting, etc. No specifics.

When I did see him that once - i had a new outfit, new hairdo and makeup and looked good. Smiled lots, made small talk even though he was trying to avoid talking to me.

Dorry,

Thanks for replying. I have always enjoyed your posts. Do you think your H came back because of your Plan A? How long have you been in R now? I guess I am just searching for some hope. Did your H give you any insight into what worked for him?



This is very helpful. I am running the gamut of emotions, from wanting to give up and let her have him, to believing so strongly in what we have that I am willing to wait the A out.

Do you have any kids? How did they handle the separation?
My son has been taking things really hard. He cries for his daddy and that breaks my heart.

I was doing OK with everything and then I discovered more information re: the A. I knew he was with her, but it still really hurt to find more evidence of the A. When we spoke today, I almost spilled the beans about what I know. I have hesitated to tell him I know as there are some financial and childcare concerns, as well as the fact that he has been putting much more effort out since he left (guilt? or withdrawal from me?). I was hoping to Plan A for a little while longer. However, I LB'ed today and I am so angry and hurt right now, I fear I will continue to do so.

I am weighing out my options:

1. Tell him I know about contact and see what happens

2. Continue to Plan A until I can get my ducks in a row

3. Plan B now and tell him in my PBL that I know about contact

4. Plan A and then tell him I know about contact in the next few weeks. See what he does with this info. Move to Plan B if it does not matter to him.

One of my biggest fears is the recent LB's. I know how important it is to leave a great taste in the WS's mouth when you go to Plan B and I worry that that has not happened recently. Or, that all my Plan A'ing was negated by the LBs. I know I am human and make mistakes, but I want to feel solid going into Plan B. I think it needs to be really soon or I am just going to make things worse. I had just really wanted more Plan A time. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/confused.gif" alt="" />