another question. The separate bank account. should it be something i am worried about. we started with a joint acct. then when i started working at our current work place, i joined the credit union then added my S a few months later when we had the time to goto the bank to add her on. i've always kept that info avail to her before she was on the acct. i'm not sure if she would do the same.

any thoughts on this?

I wouldn't worry about the bank account. She may be trying to get money set aside so she can stay if you leave. Who knows?

Also, on the no contact letter, ask her to write it, and you approve it. She will probably refuse. That is what they usually do if the affair is still going on.

ok, i'll let the acct be. i think she shouldn't have an issue keeping me informed on it if she decides to move her direct deposit to that instead of our joint acct. who know's, i'll leave that for another day.

the no contact letter, i did tell her i would have to approve it before anything is sent. she didn't say anything on it yesterday accept that she doesn't see why that she has to do that it didn't matter last time. meaning 2 years ago, she ended the EA right before i found out. it went on about 6 weeks.

I told her this time we are communicating, etc. Last time just one big fight then we put it behind us and moved on, never to talk about it or learn from it. I think that is what led this EA.

Lost

That is exactly what happened. Nothing was ever solved after her last affair.

Hang in there, and ask for a no contact letter.

i'm hanging alright. LOL. I have to say if I look back 5 weeks ago, progress has been made. I'm looking to learn from all of this and not really go back to the way things were (since it would lead back to this), but take the good times we had and be better than before. I'm seeing that she is surprised that I'm not really denying anything that happened in the past and I have no problems admitting my faults to cause our unhappiness. She has no issues on doing the same. Which is good so we don't pin blame on each other.

One thing that sticks out in my mind still was when we were talking on monday, well butting heads but not quite fighting. She said she though we could have us better or on more solid ground, stable, not fixed but making really good headway by the end of the year, but she felt that wasn't going to happend if i kept on being an a***ole. I was surprised that she saw a time frame to when we would be better and still moving towards our goal. I see the A breaking down/dying, so it's only a matter of time. Especially if he's parinoid that my sup wanted to talk with him. Works for me though.

I'll try to find a positive way to push the nc letter tonight, without ramming it down her throat.

One thing that surprised my S was I started working out again. the weight room here at our apt is usually closed when I have the free time, so I started back on Tae-bo. We used to do it together all the time. she asked me if i was looking to get back in shape again. The first night, i told her i was pissed from her lying about the no contact and told her that it was keeping me from saying something or doing something that i would never forgive myself for. burning off the anger by doing that really helped. now i'm back into it for health and she actually joined me yesterday when i was half way through. she said she'd join me tonight after work if she isn't too tired. its a start. i read somewhere to be the change you want to see. set the example and your S will follow. i just started doing this, so well see how that goes.

lost

My S and I have made real progress. NC is now in place and has been for a bit over a week. OP got p*ssed over the NC and started yelling at S for choosing me over him. She saw him for what he was worth. I was there when we stuck him with the letter. Not the ideal way to do it, but wanted to make sure it was done.

She had told me she was surprised by his reaction since they were "just friends". Some how I think she was that blind to thinking of him just as a friend and he was thinking it was more. I don't know. doesn't matter, he's out of the picture. both are now on different schedules and teams, so they never will have contact with each other.

I have seen a drastic change in my S now. She has been showing me more affection that I have seen in a long time. We started talking about our future again. One thing I told her was that we now have a new beginning. I bought 2 christmas orniments (sp?), one was our first christmas 2005. I said this was for our new beginning and the 2nd has a saying on it "learn from yesterday, live for today, hope for tomorrow". My S really liked that one and asked once the tree comes down if she can take that to work and hang it at her desk as a reminder to what we have gone through and were were going. I told her that was fine.

I had told her as part of our new beginning, that I would like to renew our vows/remarry. we have been talking about if for a few years since we enloped the first time and this time to have family around this time. She said that would be good. She has been getting into it. Looking at dresses, cakes, etc. A formal wedding. No date has been set yet, but looking sometime in the next 1 1/2 years from now. I told her I would repropose to her as well, but for now just concentrate on us moving forward.

My S also told me she has been happy with our progress and has been enjoying all the attention I have been giving her. We agreed if anything that is bothering us we bring it to each other first. our conversations are getting better and easier. even SF has been better than before. Just like when we first fell in love. We still have our road to travel, but we are on the up and up. Also her issues with the past she has been couping with has been easier to work on as well.

I just wanted to post an update and to tell everyone who is just finding out or in the starting of fixing their issues, there is hope and a light at the end of the tunnel. I'll keep posting updates as time goes on and questions if things don't look too well. But my S has started reading the material on this site. the basic concepts right now, but it's a start.

Lost (well not so much anymore)