Peachy, you do have so much to be thankful for! And your ds is so blessed to have you as his mom, too.

<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />
Lady

Peachy - well put. Our DS's are amazing children. Mine is growing up too fast, with this separation between WH and me. I continue to tell him I love him. I too am so blessed to have DS. We will have to meet up again soon so the two can meet each other!!

Your DS is a super special boy & needs his mom so much. I know you are there for him & as we have talked about before he will remember you always for that.

LemonMan made me realize something the other day - that it is important to make sure our boys are just that boys. That they get to focus on playing, kid things. Not the mess that our WH's created for us. It is hard, but it can be done.

Thanks for sharing what is going on with you right now - I am so sorry that there is turmoil again. His M is crumbling & he is realizing what has happened. But it's too late, not in your time frame.

Hugs to you Peachy!!

I wish I could print out your comments & show it to my WH. But it would do no good since he is still in FOG LAND.

Take care,

Kim

Just got in from work and from margaritas after work..arriba!

I am ok. Doing better.

Kim or TDR or any ATL marriage builder buddies I am going to take DS to Lake Lanier Lights tomorrow evening...

anybody wanna make it an AtL MB Christmas festive-thingy?

I think it's cool! If I remembered to bring the discount download ticket thing from hospital we can get about five bucks off a carload of kids and adults! we all could go to dinner tomorrow before hand. mucho feliz navidad!

Isn't that cool?

Well my psudeo dear bf is hiking in the no ga woods this weekend..he does this every few months...guess it's the former commando in him from his military days...we're not exactly committed anymore as I backed off...and he didn't give me any reason NOT to back off...

Won't explain...too darn long...but the resident I used to date may be resurfacing and I might darn it take him to the practice party next weekend.

I still have flashbacks on the way home of why in the ****** this whole stupid divorce thing happened? Why did it? Can somebody tell me why? Other than my xh is an idiot?

My xh did indeed keep ds out of school. And the words he said to me last night..."Well I know ds would rather be with YOU than at home with FV and the kids".

I have a hard time with this time of year ok? From thanksgiving on. I survived the couldve been a decade thing last week. I really did. Only thought about that once...and always seem to remember how I left my xh 10 days before xmas and piled up my old suv (which is ironically...thanks to darth...the same model..newer year of one fv has now) and drove back home to TN with all I could pile in it...and of course with DS right behind me in his car seat. I don't care how many years pass by, I will remember that as if it was yesterday. It is so sad. He is continuing to repeat the past over and over...like a ghost or something...they say that ghosts just keep doing same things over and over again...and I guess my xh is much like that now.

I hurt b/c I will always love the man I once knew. I am still mourning I guess a small bit still. Two years post divorce. It seems sometimes like a lifetime ago..and then again, it seems sometimes like a second ago.

I have to see xh tomorrow afternoon. I am gonna hate to do that. I hate to even look at him when he is like this...a WS. Even if he is no longer MY WS.

I hurt to lay eyes on him. It is too darn painful.

He had the whole world. The whole world. And tossed it away. For nothing. And believed the answer to his happiness was with another woman. And in rewriting our family and marriage history. Our romance and marriage is just written off. That it did not exist...He swore me that up and down when he remarried ow. Now he is also unhappy. Very very unhappy. In a marriage with no respect, no basis, no foundation except for the dear little girl. I hurt for her as I know what is happening right now. She did not enter this world wanting to have this. No kid wants a WS for a dad or an OW for a mom...having 2 parents who are more like kids than some kids.

I just feel so numb. Very very numb. And my friends know it too. They all called and rallied around me today and yesterday. They know this time of year is hard for me. I so want to wish I could just do like the aurors in the book "Harry Potter" do and modify the memory of a hapless muggle. I wish I could indeed have my memory modified I guess. Wish I could be unaware of all of this. That I could be glib. Just glib. Not thrilled or anything. Just glib. Numb and glib. walk around happy. Not really estactic or anything...just happy. And unaware. Have you wished ever that you did not know now all that you know? I do.

I told my sis that...she said if I chose to not remember, or had my memory erased, that she believed that I'd probably end up back with darth...which is scary.

I guess I will always love what was...or what could have been. I do not love the present man. anything but.

I am so thankful for friends here...thank you all for being kind and loving during this very very stressful week. I cried so much this week. When my xh took my son and threatened me and swore at me for no good reason at all...when I thought I was immediately off to court during christmas. And while I may soon in the next six months indeed take him to court if his behavior stays in the gutter, I will have a little breathing time.

Being litigious is NOT in my nature. I want to only live in peace. Life happy. Adults happy. Child happy. That is it! I want only simple things in life. I had the American dream...it was NOT what it is cracked up to be.

And if anybody is ever wondering really this...

YES...I have written about 10 chapters in a book thus far...b/c my life is worse than anything that's happened on lifetime channel in years. More drama than any Grisham novel...and I know his wife btw!

One day soon I think I will finish the book. But it will be when I am far enough removed from this pain I think. Two docs I used to work with read the chapters...they loved it...asked if they could have copies of it. No I said though. They said they're waiting. Heard from one a few weeks ago. He asked if I had finished it yet. I said it is nearing the end. He said that must mean I am doing great <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

I am one of those people who write I guess to get it off their chest. It is second nature to me. I don't know why. It is just that way.

So many times I have wondered if a WS has ever seen what I have written? If my words, the truth about my little family, has made them rethink their positions...and rethink their options...I hope so. That is my little prayer each day. That b/c of what I went thru...my son went thru...that maybe one, or two, or ten, or a hundred families can stay together.

Don't give up. If you are a WS, don't give up. You're here. You are reading. Give real love a chance ok?

addendum: just got ds back from visitation with darth..he has indeed been living in a nearby hotel with darth.

darth phoned after school to ask to have me bring ds over before school to his hotel around the corner as he is working on his "lakehouse" right now and is in a "living arrangement transition" because the "lakehouse is not finished yet"...yea I see it...sure do! son said that FV nor her kids have been seen for days.

I am just shielding ds from all this. that's it. we're off to buy some staples and slice and bake cookies (hey I work over 40 hrs a week) and decorate tree before bed!

peachy,

It is just so darned obvious to me and I hope others, that you are still in love with your XH.

You are still in love with your H, not WS, and in love with that dream you had for your life.

I know this is a hard time of the the year. For me too. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />

Just want you to know that I am praying for you. Hope your book gets finished and you have some kind of closure so you can move on.

I do not quite understand what you want. However, I do believe you are not ready for another commitment, or even, perhaps, another relationship yet, as you still have much to process. And I do agree that if you had no memory you would be back with Darth.

This is not fair to your bf.

Perhaps it is XWS breaking up with ow that is getting to you? This is getting you confused as to what you need and should have in life? I do feel sorry for OC. Children do not ask to be born or who their parents are, but I believe you need to give this up, lay it at the Lord's feet, if you will, cause you have no control over it.

Realize that it is what it is. You have no control over Darth, or the decisions he has made. Not good so far.

But you cannot salvage anything but your own situation.

Perhaps you should let bf go if you are thinking of taking another man to party <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/confused.gif" alt="" />. Perhaps you are not ready ye for commitment, as it is screaming <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/eek.gif" alt="" /> to me that you are not done with Darth yet.

You need to let go of ex and get on with things before you can heal and have a good relationship. Just my VHO.

Oh, and you are worthy, <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" /> and I think you know that.

Love in Christ,
Miss M

thanks Miss M, and you are very very kind and loving to me...

however.

I am NOT in love at all. It is like numb. I do not feel as I did. He is not the same person at all. I do think it is like when I see a photo here on my desk beside me of my dad...who is gone. I mourned that person, my father...and I spent a good part of the last 2 years ending the mourning process of my xh. In the end, what I believe still gets me is the total idocacy of the whole issue regarding our divorce.

I see that it was for nothing...I have searched for some ultimate truth...these last 2 years. Find myself still posting here b/c of either needing to find others who have dealt with things like me during early days of divorce process and shortly after divorce, and the whole last year trying to redefine myself by my life as of now.

I will always love that man I married...but it is a distant one and not one of the present sadly. It is not to be.

I find myself as of late being very angry...quite angry. as I reflect on the whole last three years, it seems absurd...and surreal...that a good life...a great family at one time..is no more for selfish and stupid reasons.

we had the total American dream...we were happy...still thought each other was cute almost seven years after meeting...trying to begin on baby no. 2. had a beautiful and precious son. just finished building dream home. quite successful and living in a country club. anything we wanted, we got. and maybe that was the darn problem. my xh got far too used to getting anything he wanted...that nothing was soon enough.

I will never know what caused the fall. Never know. Have I searched? sure I have. I thought first maybe the fault was with me in the early days after discovering his affairs. Wrongo. Then I thought if I was strong enough, I could fix him...after all, before becoming a sahm, I was a health professional and a darn good one back home too w/good reputation. Tried that...could NOT do that. In end, all I could do was be best mom for ds and salvage what was left of my heart and life.

How does one ever come to terms with a why that is soo darn stupid that it is unthinkable? I don't hate darth. I feel almost nothing. If I felt something for him, I would for sure act on it...but I do not wish to go there at all.

I think my heart is beginning to wake up though. something occured in last 2 days with bf...and he may not be bf anymore. It is irrelevant to this situation...but very pertinent to something he and I dealt with last year.

I am open now...totally open to somebody else if he's the right one..I am also open now to being able to embrace being single...and although sometimes it is difficult doing all I do, it's something I like a whole lot now. No arguements ever in my home. Peace, quiet, tranquility...and smiles. Son is safe and happy with me. We are stable and life is ok.

I guess I am angry now...angry b/c my xh still couldn't keep his word...he said he left his family b/c he found the most wonderful woman in the world...how she was the most wonderful mom (bleech) and was such a good person (omg)...and that he'd never been happier in his life and that they had this baby on the way and that our M was nothing to him, that we were never in love, that we were a total mistake, we should have never married, blah blah blah... he did NOT make good on his promise to me about that! If somebody is gonna leave their family dammit, it'd better be for a helluva reason or two...(( am being ironic)...I mean, come one...stick to the WS guns ok?

If you're gonna be a wayward, take the easy way and stupid way out, then stick to your guns right? If you're gonna never listen to any advice or try at least once to reconcile then you'd better really be happier than you'vwe ever been. It had better been all those things to my xh b/c he took the path of no return with me.

It is funny...I remember maybe 2 weeks before I left the last time. We were driving right outside the country club looking at the Christmas lights...I had a wine/appetizer party the next night for some of his employees at the house (yea, even thru the adultery and stress I was the hostess with the mostest)...I was plan A'ing my A off.

I remember darth sitting beside me in his car...he looked at me and said "sometimes I wish we could just hurry and get divorced. I swear all I need is a few years. Just maybe 2 or three and I'd be back." He then babbled on about how we could have a good divorce, he'd buy me a house in the cheapest part of the country club subdivision, he'd eat more cake, and we'd reconcile after he'd sewn his wild oats for a few years.

Now the memory of that just makes me plain sick.

Yea, I think I may be bopping around on the kubler-ross grief thing back to the "anger" phase now.

In the end, you want this universal truth or something...something to whack you over the head and say "wow...this is the huge life lesson I am supposed to learn"...what did I learn? Nothing. Nothing really. I am the same...well, not as when I was a sahm...I am more back to the woman I was right before I actually met darth...the gutsy, go getter...the woman not afraid to try anything different...except now I prefer my evenings to end a little earlier as per the little fella upstairs asleep in his room..so not as many evenings out on the town as before in my single years right outta college. In a wierd way, this life change forced me to live again..get outta my shell whether I wanted to or not.

Maybe in the end I was to make sense of my dad's death several years ago as I now work on patients who suffer from the same issues my dad did (diabetes and heart related issues)...maybe I think I was to return to my profession to make that hurt , make it something good and channel it somewhere else...know I am going to go back to school...

Please pray that I find some truth...that my ds is ok...that the kids involved in this are ok. They are totally blameless. My ds is such a good boy. We read books before I put him down to zzzz. He is so loving and kind. Will move heaven and earth to make sure he stays just as he is...

I know the best part and maybe the whole reason I was to ever have married darth in the first place is the little guy upstairs. Maybe becoming his mom is the universal truth? I don't know.

But I do know my heart is numb...my ds said today that he overheard his dad say "I wish I had my family back" in front of ds...and I felt...NOTHING. blank...nothing.

WS is still out of home and living in hotel. Spoke briefly to him this evening...asked and called about ds's spelling test...son got a 100! He was happy. he asked about our weekend, and I told him what ds and I were up to.

I am supposed to be at a formal dinner right now, but ended up working 11 hours...so got ds from school, and we went out and had a great sushi dinner together.

my on/off bf is at a client dinner tonight. He and I are doing ok. Note not awesome, just ok. won't go there though. tomorrow ds and I are off to do some really fun things! we're going to ga aquarium, to see Narnia movie sunday, and church sunday morning! We are also going to bake Christmas cookies again tonight, go to kids club (and mommy to gym) tomorrow morning...

It is all so wierd this holiday season. As I am typing this, an suv like xh (like my old one) just drove slowly thru my cul de sac. My xh lives in hotel five min. away. OW/W lives in townhome three minutes away...and I reside here...what a wickedly messed up life my xh created huh?

Keep praying for the kids. My ds is doing fine though. He does NOT know about dad's brush with Fulton County police.

Immediately (as I feared) xh's corporate attorney and his best buddy was on his case as how he got "away" with again hitting total rock bottom. However, I think it combined with his impending divorce from FV is enough to make the man at least sit on the bottom for a while...

DS is so excited about Christmas this year. We are tired, exhausted, and just happy to be home right now.

I am still praying btw not only for my ds, for the other child, and for FV's ds, but that my xh does finally hit rock bottom...so that he can finally look up, and see nothing but faith above him. too late for us...not too late for him to be a good dad though.