hugggsssssss!!!!!! I've been thinkin boutcha!!!! I've had QUITE the day at work! ugh!!! I'll be back in a little bit with some thoughts for ya! I can TOTALLY relate to all this.

Thanks Faith!

I get so sick of work getting in the way of my socializing!!!

For me, cognitive therapy techniques work pretty well, and I reckon they'd work pretty well for you too. The thing is, you may feel a certain way, but you can still choose your behavior. If rational analysis indicates that your feelings are not a direct response to your situation, then (a) you choose behavior which is consonant with your rational analysis, and (b) you take note of the discrepancy and try to figure out why it exists. This can take a while, but the more you understand, the easier it should be to recognize discordant situations before you actually do something inappropriate.

Eventually, as experience reinforces rational analysis, the feelings should fall into line. However, I believe it's also important to accept your feelings rather than try to fight them.

Caveat: I'm not a psychologist, nor have I ever played one on TV.

Perhaps the stakes have something to do with it?

Either way, I liken the situation to a physical injury. You may be in overall good shape, but when a bit of pressure is applied to the damaged area, or when you attempt to move through what would otherwise be an ordinary range of motion, you flinch.

In this particular situation, I think no harm was done. Apparently, the attraction is mutual, so you should have a certain amount of leeway. Furthermore, if I were the guy, my opinion of you would actually rise, because I had been given the opportunity to discover that (a) you were capable of recognizing (even if a little after the fact) that your behavior was inappropriate, and that (b) you were humble enough and self-secure enough to apologize, and to do so without getting all bent out of shape about it. (You didn't and aren't going to get bent out of shape, right?)

People who are capable of forming good healthy relationships know better than to look for perfection.

GdP,
Thank you, sincerely. Yes, the stakes do have something to do with it. I DO understand I have control of my behavior. A lot of time I DO recognize when I've done wrong and yes, I'm big enough to admit it. I know I'm not perfect-no one is. (too often it's after the fact though!)
No, I'm not going to get bent out of shape.
I'm realizing I AM getting some mixed signals from this fella too, which mihgt be triggering me, so I think that might be where my normally under control insecurity is coming from.
At least I'm better than I used to be, and thanks to this site and everyone on it, I'll continue to better.

Thanks everyone!

GDP, you ROCK! I wish you would post more.

Drita,
I agree with GDP. Read, and re-read.

Next, don't beat yourself up over this. I don't think you are, but much of this is normal girl-stuff, and I think you behaved much like any woman would. Like GDP said, he would think highly of you because of how you handle it after the fact. The times I've really screwed these situations up is when I continue to act all weird after the initial "event", or when I've exhibited a pattern of doing this. Either I was still learning, or I was in a wrong relationship, that was causing me to constantly be second-guessing myself, and questionning my thoughts and actions, and never knowing when or how to be myself, and what to say or not to say. LOL... does that make sense??? The times I've acted stupid, either the guy could handle it, and the relationship lasted for a little bit, or we were friends, or... he couldn't handle it. Maybe he had little tolerance for imperfection - maybe I was out of control. Maybe both.

Anyway... next...
yep. Just plain jealousy? Wanting to rush things? Lack of trust relating to your past? You've read enough on here to know that you gotta resolve past issues before leaping into new relationships. Sometimes you think you're over them and they'll jump up and bite ya. Or is HE giving off a vibe that's causing you to not trust him? The last time I acted stupid, was a guy that just wasn't giving me enough attention. The real reason was that he "wasn't that into me". I should've just seen THAT, and let it go, instead of trying to push the relationship by demanding more attention.


We talked on the other thread about our vulnerability. Perhaps, as you are beginning to like him, you ARE feeling more vulnerable, as you are closer to him... and THAT feels strange to you. (you and I don't like this vulnerability) .... so as soon as you feel it begin to be trampled on just a wee bit, you have a knee-jerk reaction and try to protect yourself. (asking a million questions, letting him know you're hurt, trying to hurt him too, etc)

I'm not sure I have an answer to this... (if this EVEN sounds like its the right thing in your sitch... ???) ... except to take things slow, ask him gently and respectfully for what you need to feel safe, without crowding him, begin to trust little by little, but cautiously, but by watching for his actions to match his wrods..... AND.... don't EXPECT too much!!!

Let me know what you think. I have no idea if this makes any sense at all, or if it helps at all. And I'm going out to a Christmas party tonight, so don't be sad while I'm gone! LOL

This was very big of you, and very mature. Good going!


I suggest you tell him this as well - it gives him better insight into you as a person.

Now, the real key, is to follow through. Actions speak so much louder than words, so make sure you do not again get into the immature jealous quizzing (even if jokingly done). This is actually an opportunity for you personally, as well as for the relationship, to grow - make the best of it.

I think you got to know each other a bit better through this incident, and if you can use that new knowledge to your benefit, your relationship may actually improve!

AGG

Agg, I agree. Unfortunately for me (well, in the end actually fortunately for me!) I learn the most when I've been humbled. I don't have a problem saying I'm sorry and for me, once I've identified a problem I can fix it. The ID is the key!!
Faith, you are SO right about the knee-jerk reaction and how quickly that will kick in!! It's scary. Normally, I can FEEL when something just isn't sitting right with me. As I mentioned, there are some mixed messages and I think that's where this whole thing started, actually over a week ago and I didn't resolve that feeling and it just kept building. I'm confident I can talk to him about this and get a resolve. And yes, continue to watch, yet trust what I know.

We emailed a bit today and I mentioned something about my "jealous fit". He questioned it, said...Jealous...?
So, me being my smart A self defined jealous for him. He wrote back, "I know what it is silly, don't know why YOU would feel that?!" I told him it's a face to face conversation. He said he felt that he had some part in it as well because, he says, "Don't worry about yesterday. I was not as clear as I could have been. I'm still getting used to that kind of interaction, when the oddities of my life are opened up for other people to look at."
He's eluded to this before when one day he had a court date (regarding custody) and a doctor appointment. I had asked him if there was anything I could do, why didn't he tell me about it, didn't he know I care about him and what's going on with him?
He had said "I struggle with communicating - not because I don't know how - but because I am (still) learning WHEN someone might be interested or care enough to want to hear what I think are banal details. I am learning (I think) about what you want to hear (OK - everything)
and letting you tell me when it's enough (or too much). I'll start yammering - and it's up to you to tell me to shut up."

So I think there is an element here of learning about each other and what's okay to put on the table and what isn't...or if the other person cares. I'm guilty of the same thing.

AGG, you have my word I will not ever do this again with ANYONE!!! I'll check it first, think about it, and ask later- IN A MATURE WAY!

BTW, Faith, It WAS good stuff you wrote. I think you and I have some same "issues"/insights, so I appreciate your thoughts. You're folling me, I like it!!! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

And I wanted to tell you to enjoy your party, and I hope you had a good time! Meet anybody?! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

Interesting, Drita. This sounds about as overbearing (or more) as the incident you discussed in this thread. Maybe this is something for you to really think about - do you have a tendency to become overly immersed in relationships that are only starting out, and do not yet deserve such closeness?

I am sure you were only wanting to be helpful to him (heck, I saw on LL's thread how selfless a helper you are, kudos!) - but if I were on the receiving end of the "why didn't you tell me about it, didn't you know I care about you and what's going on with you" barrage at such an early point, I would have being pretty shocked. Hmmm, come to think of it, could that incident have made him a little gun-shy in discussing things openly with you, if he worries about you coming on so strong?

Some food for thought there, I think <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />.


Cool <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />. And seriously, I think you may want to think about whether your helpful and inquisitive manner can be a bit overbearing early on in a relationship. Some (many) guys like to feel that they still have freedom, independence, and some autonomy; don't forget, Drita - you are not his mother, all this "where were you, who did you see, why didn't you tell me, what could I have done, why why why?" stuff is quite motherly <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />.

AGG

Yes, I had fun! Meet anybody? hehe. That's funnee. Not at my office party. I did win a 5" B&W TV/radio. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/cool.gif" alt="" />

Hey! Guess who called me and left a message for me!!! He didn't wait 2 weeks this time.... 2 days! woo-hoo! It was too late to call him back tonight... will call him in the morning sometime.

AGG - I could swear you're talkin to me. LOL <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/laugh.gif" alt="" /> Glad you're not this time. I'm goin slow and easy this time!!! And I hope you'll be here for me when I need some straightenin out! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

hugs

Of course, no problem - we aim to please <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

AGG

OMG!!!
Overbearing? Me?! I'd REALLY have to think about that one. I guess my approach is the same as with my friends. I try to be the same all the time. If one of my friends was going to have a stressful day like that I would want to know to help...honestly, that's where my heart is anyway. I'll think about that one. I will look to see if I feel there is any truth, cuz if that's how it's being taken...
I'm ALWAYS like that with EVERYONE!!
At least to clarify I'm not coming off like that! Yuk!
Thanks again!

Faith! AWESOME! A prize AND a phone call from Mr. Slow.
That's all good! Hope your weekend continues to be so fruitful!!!

Hey Faith??

Can you scoot a little closer to me so I can rub your head/elbow, something?
I want some of your goodness to rub off my way!

I'm picking, but I'm very happy for you.
Keep us up to date on Mr. Not-So-Slow! It's the quiet one's Faith, remember that!!

K!