Dear Jdtmine, I'm sorry you find yourself in this situation...

I also agree with all the comments. This is extremely inappropriate and at least the start of an EA! Please read this thread:

15 Steps Of Unfaithfulness

The above thread is very good and explains how betrayal usually starts and cross boundaries from platonic friendship into a inappropriate friendship, from inappropriate friendship into EA and then eventually from EA into PA. It will give you insight and understanding in this process and where your H's "frienship" with this woman can lead to if it's allowed to spin further out of control...

Also take a look at this thread. Make sure you also read all the links on this thread:

Emotional infidelity

Jdtmine, maybe you should ask you H just one question: "How would YOU feel if I were involved in such a “friendship” with another man?"

Would HE accept and tolerate a "friendship" where you recieve gifts from the "friend", dance with the "friend", having regular meals alone with the "friend" etc? I don’t think so... And if he says he wouldn't mind, he is definately lying to you...

You should NOT tolerate this any longer... Things can progress further if you don't put a stop to it NOW.

I was involved in an inappropriate friendship/start of EA myself (read my signature line and the link), so I know what I'm talking about... This is serious stuff.

Suzet

The first thing I did was shut down and think about it. My h has said that I am a very judgemental person. after I thought about it I questioned him about it asking him why he would do this. I was very frustrated with him because I didn't understand how he could buy another female gifts, he never had before and I've always had to buy for his mother and sisters. I became very hurt, angry and withdrawn and have put walls up. He said that he felt like he was on the stand being cross examined. Somehow though he has made me feel that its all in my head and that I'm making a huge deal out of it and I have come to doubt what I once thought was clear. He says that I don't understand how they depend on each other in the military. Not sure that explains exactly what you are looking for.

Suzet: Thank you for sharing it means so much. I see a lot of our relationship in the article. I'm just not sure my h will. He at first said it wouldn't bother him and then he said that if he said it would he would be a hypocrit because he wouldn't want me to do it. He has also said that he feels that it is ok for him or I to hug or friendly kiss someone of the opposite sex. We have been married for over 15 years and I never knew that. His feelings are if it doesn't involve intercourse than its ok.

Thank you everyone for your replies, at least I know I'm not crazy thinking this isn't right.

jtdmine,

Yes, that answers my question. Thank you. I can relate to a lot of what you are saying. My H is also in the military and in the past he has also used the same explanation about my not understanding how the military works.

You don't need to understand. All you need to understand is how it makes you feel and if it makes YOU uncomfortable. It doesn't matter if it would or wouldn't bother someone else - or if someone thinks you are being unreasonable. Feelings aren't right or wrong - they just are, so you can discard the notion that you are crazy. You aren't.

The reason I wanted to know how you responded to him with the information was because he sounded defensive. That could be a result of him actually knowing his actions are disrespectful (and they are - because it bothers YOU), or it could be a matter of him feeling attacked. Again, the point is not whether or not you actually attacked him, it just matters whether or not he felt attacked.

You can't change him. You can tell him how you feel about his actions, but you can't make him stop. I have learned that a more effective way of communicating to my H is to just state to him how I feel about a certain situation - the rest is up to him. He can choose to do something or not do something about it. But, if I have stated it in a fashion that is not selfishly demanding, disrespectfully judging, or angry outbursting, he is often able to be more open and honest with me and also to really listen to what I am trying to tell him.

I am not accusing you of responding that way. I just wanted to share something with you that has been helpful for me in those type of situations, just in case it did apply.