Can some of you.....(well, really any of you), please explain to me the concept of giving "admiration" to a Wayward Cheating Spouse.

I fully understand the concepts of avoiding LB's, DJ's and annoying behaviors, but giving admiration WHEN IT IS FALSE AND TOTALLY UNFOUNDED befuddles me. Yet, many BS are encouraged to do this for their Wayward Cheaters who express a need for "admiration" <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" />. Maybe not "outright" false praise, but certainly "questionable" praise and praise that borders on "lunacy".

Many Wayward Spouses deserve "admiration" about as much as I deserve priesthood. I CANNOT for the life of me understand how a Betrayed Spouse is supposed to heap tons of "praise" and "glory" on a Cheating Spouse that for the MOST PART is UNFOUNDED.

I have read on some threads here where a Cheater states that one of his/her greatest "needs" is admiration, yet all of the while he is actively cheating, causing financial destruction of the BS and essentially raping and pillaging the emotional health of his/her children. YET somehow, someway, we are supposed to find a way (any way) to give "admiration" to this person. Even if that means saying: "I really admire you for going to work today and working 8 hours and for taking your daugther to her music lesson that you promised her 2 weeks ago to do and yet you were only 20 minutes late"... <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" />


Ok, I "don't get it". I understand the idea behind "admiration" but some of these Cheaters want "admiration" for doing what "everyone" else in this world has to do everyday.....JUST BECAUSE IT'S LIFE. Give me a f-ing break !!!!!!!

I may never get "it"...but that's just me... <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

Lem

LM -

I got in a big argument with Takola a couple of years ago about this very subject. She posted a GREAT post called "the reflection in your eyes" or something like that. Sorry, tried to search it, but these days the search thing doesn't find anything.

Anyway, she was saying how most OP showed bunches of admiration to the WS. Her point was that the BS should make an effort too. My reply was something like sure the OW admires him. He took all of our money and rode into the sunset on our new Harley with her.

My question was the same as yours. "What's left to admire?" for the BS?

...........Yet, many BS are encouraged to do this for their Wayward Cheaters who express a need for "admiration" . Maybe not "outright" false praise, but certainly "questionable" praise and praise that borders on "lunacy".
I hear you lemonman...I was never one to admire a cheater <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/crazy.gif" alt="" />...and I'm still trying to figure this out...maybe I never will....so I think I'll just listen.


Lady

I almost choked on my cookie that made me laugh so hard. Reverend Doc Sour....

I don't have a comment for any of this. I was one of those WS who in recovery didn't ask for anything...and didn't get my needs met until H came around and decided he wanted this too.

I couldn't imagine my H "admiring" me while I was a WS...I certainly didn't admire my H while he was in his - luckily he left and contacted me 3 times in that month, so i didn't have to show him too much admiration...

Admiration is an emotional need of my FWW. I don't think we need to admire them while they are still cheating or still wayward. But the thing with EN's is that something ou take as being just part of life (which it is) your/my wife wants to be noticed for doing otherwise she feels like she is being taken for granted. Like I don't get admiration from my wife because I have a good job and bring home lots of money. But if I don't notice she vacuumed today or cooked a nice meal, watch out.

Even the most wayward of spouses must surely do something we can admire?

Even the most wayward of spouses must surely do something we can admire?
Like... what? <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/confused.gif" alt="" />

Ya know Believer, I think one of the things that is annoying me here lately is all of this GD tip toeing around the Wayward Spouse.

I cannot stand all of the "egg shell" walking that many Betrayed Spouses here are currently doing because of their Waywards.

I am struggling with this, and have had to cancel a few posts already and "stay away" from certain threads for fear of causing more havoc to the fragile Betrayed Spouse.

I agree with alot of things here and alot of the concepts of the Harleys ( a big change from even 6 months ago), but I sometimes really get sick of all of the "coddling" that we do and actively (whether we know it or not) encourage the BS to do with their WS.

All of this talk of "addiction" I think is WAY OVER BLOWN by some ***people*** here and they end up treating their Wayward Spouse like a child. All of the constant "snooping" and "reacting" and "re-reacting" to the Cheater borders on ridiculous.....absolutely ridiculous !

Well, this is just me personal vent I guess. I didn't want to do this on any one person's thread so I created my own. Ya know what? I feel better already, and I didn't have to rain on anyone's parade to do this.

Lem

enter sarcasm:

Well can't you admire how the WS's easily balance two lives? I mean - it takes a special type of person to be able to manage all that...

end sarcasm...

This coming from a FWS - who was nothing to admire during her affair....no sarcasm there..

"Even the most wayward of spouses must surely do something we can admire?"

Nope.

That was my problem. My WH ran off with OW while her husband was fighting in Iraq. He lied about it until I caught them in bed. He gave me no money, did nothing around the house, didn't even come around except to take everything he could get his hands on.

I can say in all fairness that he hasn't done one thing to be admired for in 3 years. He turned into a selfish man, one that no one respects. But the OW admires him greatly.

Before he was a good and honorable man. I greatly admired him and let him know. He was looked up to by his friends, family, work-mates, pastors, everyone.

My WH isn't the only one. As I read the stories here, I find very little to admire about the vast majority of the waywards. They betray their vows, leave their children, friends, family, become expert liars, financially irresponsible, give excuses, and just generally people that you don't respect.

Well, I couldn't admire anything about my WS, I was disgusted so I can't answer in the affirmative.

However, as an addict [recovering alcoholic and certainly not proud of it] myself, I will say that affairs do have an addictive quality about them. That is not in any way a justification, but is just the nature of many affairs. Fellow addicts like me recognize this aspect in WSes. Affairs are often obsessions that are very disconnected from reality and have a fantasy aspect. The WS will know and understand how destructive it is but persists in the affair and lies and rationalizes in order to justify it. In a non-addictive situation, any normal person would run for their lives once he realized the pratfalls. An addict doesn't do that. He refashions reality to justify the unjustifiable.

Lemonman, that being said, an addiction is NEVER EVER a justification to engage in bad behavior. I am not sure why you resent this characterization except that perhaps you think it is a rationalization?

ad·dict ( P ) Pronunciation Key (-dkt)
tr.v. ad·dict·ed, ad·dict·ing, ad·dicts
To cause to become physiologically or psychologically dependent on a habit-forming substance: The thief was addicted to cocaine.
To occupy (oneself) with or involve (oneself) in something habitually or compulsively: The child was addicted to video games.

"To occupy (oneself) with or involve (oneself) in something habitually " That definition pretty much sums up the feelings of most WSes.

I think alot of people use the term addiction to let their spouses of the hook...and to excuse their spouses behavior - oh it wasn't him - it was his addiction.

In most cases while addiction plays a part, it's no real reason (except in REAL true SA's) I was addicted to my affair, but it's not the reason for my affair, not even close...and if my H believed it was my addiction and nothing else - then he would have been letting me off the hook...

I think that's kinda where LM is going...

Wow. What a can of worms folks.

My wife, while still involved in her affair still loved our children (even though her behaviour put them and their way of life at great risk)

My wife, while deeply "in love" with her affair partner decided to do the right thing, end the affair and come home when she really did not want to>

My wife, while still in the depths of depression about her affair and grieving the loss of the affair, chose as an act of her will to have SF with me as an act of love even though she felt nothing for me at all.

As BS's we get so blinded and hurt we can't see anything good in anyone who is hurting us. But no one is totally evil but it can be hard to see anything good I guess. I also admit 100% that I feel this way because as admiration is a EN of my wife I have to look for the good - and of course she is back at home with me and we are recovering very well.

dorry, I understand that affairs are not started from addictions.[the behavior must come before the addiction] They have to start in order for one to become addicted. however, many do have an addictive, or compulsive quality to them.

I guess I don't understand how calling it an addiction would be a justification. Why would your H let you off the hook if he understand that aspect of it?

I think it is fantastic to look for the good. I did the same thing with my H...but I did not see respect or admiration for my H. I did see effort at times, I did see some of the things he did try for while he was falling deeper.

I looked for those positives and held on. Perhaps some like you - see the admiration - the bravery your wife had - my H saw that in me too...I didn't see it in him...we all see different positives.

Okay....My H is home and I'm thankful for that. I am a BS

~ It is 3 months post DDay

~ I don't admire him yet

~ When will this happen?

~ I'm not a fake it til' you make it type of person!

Lady

If my WH could ever be bothered to fill out an EN questionaire, I might find out that he has a need for admiration. I don't really find too much to admire in him right now. I've tried to mouth some of the words but I know that they come out and are taken for what they are, angry lip service. I am really so, so bad at batting my eyelashes.

Okay, here it goes. Some of this admiration actually borders more on gratitude:

I admire the fact that WH hasn't decimated our bank accounts.

I admire the fact that WH hasn't attempted to introduce our children to OW.

I admire the fact that even though he never sees his kids, he hasn't used them as wedges or tried to tear them away from me.

I admire the world class job he does of conflict avoidance.

I admire the way WH has succeeded at his job. Unfortunately, one of the by-products has been an excuse to spend no time with his family.

I admire the way WH has blotted any bit of remorse or guilt out of his mind.

I admire the way he has rewritten history to place all the blame upon me. Who knew he had such a miserable life?

I admire WH's deep, thick, luxuriant fog. Ya really don't see many fogs like that!

I admire the way he has compartmentalized his mind. Such sound and water-tight divisions.

On the serious side, I actually do admire the way he has supported our family. He's never asked for any accounting of things. Is it a tolerance or lack of caring?

Of course, I also admire him for finding and sending to me the website for DS's college team even though I've been looking at it since August. Do I also need to admire the fact that he's been so busy that he's never found the time to attend one thing on the schedule?

I'm with you lemonman.

Let's see, 30 affairs in 2 years due to my sex addiction....hmmmm, did my wife let me off the hook because it was an addiction? I THINK NOT.

I had to work hard at overcoming my addiction.

I was a WS and during my A with My current WW admired the heck out of me and that sucked me so deep into her that I felt like a king. I was so fogged then that if my ex would of admired me would of confused the ****** out of me but she didn't she even just stopped all contact with me which made my A even more powerful. Just my feelings look back in my memory bank.

Back to that admiration part, you have to admire a person who can handle 30 women at one time and their wife didn't find out until you told them.