Mywife, I feel for you and hope you get through this next while in good shape. I agree with sendme, she has controled your life throughout you M so now it is time for you to take that control back. Do everything for you and your kids and don't let her manipulate you.

I might be where you are in a short while so stay strong and keep busy. We will be here for you when you need us.

take care my friend

Good morning, everyone. Well, my first stretch of not seeing my kids for 4 days has begun. This will take a lot of getting used to. WW picked up kids yesterday afternoon. I bathed the kids before she picked them up, and had the kids dressed looking like they were going to something formal. DS had nice kakis with a buttoned down shirt, hair combed and styled perfectly. DD wore her nicest dress, and "Daddy" (me) did her hair perfectly, with 2 beautifully braided (done by me) pony tails! WW was shocked/impressed. I could hear her say that, but I remained in the other room as she picked them up. 2 minutes later, the doorbell rang, and WW says "I know you don't want to see me, but do you have any long screws? I'm trying to put up a railing on the stairs in my house." I went to the garage and looked and found some, and said: "Are you going to be able to do this? And she said, "I think so" I said, "(WW) I'll come over and put up the railing (it is for the safety of the kids and I certainly don't want it done half-a$$ed!!) WW said, "You'd do that for me?" And I said "Yes, (WW)" "It's for the safety of the kids"

Good thing I did, cuz it was definitely a safety problem, and my WW would have spent days trying to put that up. In the middle of the project I asked "(WW), honestly, why didn't you asked (OM) to help you do this?" She replied "I thought I could do this on my own, and he probably won't have been able to do this with his back condition" I chuckled a bit, but she didn't hear it. She was super nice to me, and I was just business like. When I left, she just had this sad look on her face and waved gently as I drove off. Before I left, I reiterated my boundry to please not contact me any more.

Maybe I should have not helped her, but if I hadn't, the kids could have certainly had a major accident!!

Last night, home alone, was actually quite peaceful. Maybe it was cause I have the heat turned down to 60 and I'm half dead due to hypothermia!! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

MWIL....

After being divorced for almost a year and bringing an old EA into the PA stage my XW asked me to fix the plumbing under her sink because I was the one that had installed dishwasher a few years prior. My intitial response was to ask her to have "him" do it as he was already doing signifcant remodeling work there anyway...."he is a carpenter wanna be"...I was just nice and did it. The boys asked me to stay fo rdinner and I refused telling them I had to go, she also asked..I said no. I did it because my boys knew she had asked me to help her....

However, I was not in Plan B. If you are stick to it....that was not sticking to Plan B....

Well, I was only 1 day into Plan B, and I knew it was for the safety of the kids. No real setbacks, but I am so eager to just focus on me and kids, that I should be able to remain dark!! I really have no desire to see the person my W has turned into (WW)!!

Thanks, SMOMW!

MWIL-

From my perspective, it was her first 'test' of your plan B...and you failed.

The correct response should have been either no response, or let her deal with it herself. I know you feel this could have been a safety issue with the kids...but it sounds to me like she just knew which button to push to get a response.

Do NOT fall prey to any more of this. If she tries to talk with you or ask for ANYTHING...don't do it. Unless it is DIRECTLY kid-related, you should no longer exist to her until she ends the A and starts taking the actions you outlined in your PBL.

Not really a 2X4...just more of a light bonk on the head my friend. I might be wrong, but this is my take on things at least.

Thanks Owl. Here's another situation that I'm sure will arise: What if she needs someone to watch kids during "her time"? Should I always agree to taking them, (which is what I would want to do, just to spent more time with them) or have her fend for herself baby sitter wise??

Owl is making same point I was MWIL....

Look...at how someone like Gramn was manipulated during Plan B. Safety of children is a button she knows she can push for contact. My XW knew it was tears. If she started crying I was done...so I would give her ability to show me tears. She tried.

Look...my point is that if you go over there you're indicating accpetance...have you accpeted her new residence? I would not ever accept it...

My XW's remodeling? I had to finish it....and it was LB city while I was doing it..separate yourself from her madness...cause next time I think Owl an dI might break out 2x4's...;-)

Well, I'm not the "plan B czar"...but I've seen his exact advice on this subject.

If she calls you to take the kids, then do so. And document everytime she does this in your journal. The plan here is that it will clearly document how often she's doing this, and clearly show the court in divorce and child custody proceedings that YOU at least are willing to work with the wife and be there for your children.

That's what I've seen posted at least. And if you KNOW why she's dropping the kids off...document that too. If you can use that to track the fact that she's doing so to spend time with OM...you get the picture.

The OTHER option is to simply NOT respond at all to her requests along these lines. At this point, ALL communication should be via email or via a 3rd party...no reason at all for her to be talking to you directly anymore. So if she sends you an email requesting this sometime, simply do not respond and make sure you're not available when/if she tries to go ahead and drop them off.

I'm sure MM has some good advice along these lines.

Mywife, how do you swap the kids? Do you go to her place or does she come over to yours?

In a way I am looking forward to Plan B to get my life back on track. I'm getting tired of the stress and I'm sure you were feeling the same way.

You always want to take custody whenever you can however it should be prearranged. A notebook should follow the kids around wherein parenting issues can be discussed. If you are not communicating through a third party, maybe she can text message you and only respond with simple yes and no's.

It is advantageous to take the kids whenever offered. If you decide to fight for more custody later you may be able to document that she continual and repeatedly shrugged her parental responsibility in favor of her illicit affair. Especially if she becomes emotional abusive to the children and/or exposes kids to OM. Then you've got documentation to fight her with. However, you already have primary custody and how much more can you handle???.

However, that being said. You also want this separation to be difficult on her. Taking the kids on a whim is not going to help your Plan B. If she feels she can call you up at 7 pm on a Friday to come get them then you must say NO and make her plan ahead. Then there will be less contact and she will not feel you are at her beck and call and she may miss you filling her "needs" more effectively. Additionally, she will start to concern herself with what you are doing. You don't tell her at all about your life. She will begin to assume you are dating or seeing someone else. It is textbook wayward to believe you will go out an get ya' some. You shouldn't even hint at it cause if you are silent she'll draw her own conclusions. You are silent, no need to play games anymore...you have released her to her fantasy and need not concern yourself with her. Plan B is about you moving on. If she comes back so be it.

Mr. Wondering

sorry kinda rambled...got interrupted a few times

Thanks, folks. I am moving on. I'm so sure this is about me. Any door that may be open for my W to come back, will close on it's own, at it's own pace. 1 month? 3 months? 1 year? Don't know. Don't care. Focusing on me, my kids, and all other relationships, has opened my eyes to my value to this world, as opposed to the "fantasy value" I was placing my WW into. I truly value myself more than her right now. That, so much, helps in this transition period of living with someone, and living alone or with the kids.

What I am amazed at is how far the WS will go to chase their own fantasy and later they come to realize what they gave up for the Other Person who proved to not be the person they thought they would be. In the mean time, the BS moves on to a new life and the WS later finds it is simply too late to fix the damage and win the heart back of the real love of their life. What a shame.

MyWife, I wish you the best but it is when you quit the chase and throw in the towel is the time the WS wants to come back.

Good Luck to you.

TooSoon

TooSoon,

I think you've hit the nail on the perverbial head. At this point, I can only hope that the gross inappropriateness of the OM for my WW, causes this A to fold quickly. I believe, that Plan B, truly does, put the marriage in my hands now. WW has no say now as to how things progress between her and I. As I move on, as many have pointed out (as well as Dr. Harley), my position WRT our relationship, strengthens tremendously. The control, immediately switches to me, and WW is left with no EN's met by me. No checking the oil in her car. No vaccuuming the house. No watching the kids, on a whim. No shoveling the front stairs, or watering of the garden, or making coffee, or making breakfasts or dinners. No more listening or sharing special times together. No more back rubs from me, or special occasions with family and friends. No more events together, where she felt so proud of her husband.

I enter this time in my life, not fearing or hoping or waiting. I go forward with only positive actions, thoughts, and motives. My choices for me, shall be what is in the best interest for me and my children. And I know, it is the best way to heal, and feel better about myself, and my life from each day forward!

Well, WW keeps emailing me!! We're still trying to figure out daycare schedules, and other minor things, so I guess they need to be adressed. But it bothers me when I hear from her. I don't want her in my head anymore!! Nor my heart.

It is good you have the strength now that wasn't there before. We try and beg borrow and steal our spouses back and the only thing they see is their lover. It is so unfair how the WS reverses the role on the BS as if the BS had the affair. There is no real justice, just pain, and heartache at this point. Things may shift back though and if it is not too late for her, maybe you will give her a chnace. Maybe you will meet someone who is even better. Time will tell.

I will watch your thread.

TooSoon

Thanks, Too Soon.

Well, I get my kids back for 2 days beginning tonight. With work, it's really only a few hours, but I can't wait to see them!! Haven't seen WW in 3 days, which now is the longest I've ever gone, since we met. Not feeling too bad though, and am just starting a few projects around the house. BTW, one benefit to a spouse leaving.....LOTS OF CLOSET SPACE!!!! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

TooSoon, this is the ultimate paradox insn't it? Before I became a BS I would think of the issue as black and white. Now having expericed the effects of adultery first hand I can say there is a wide grey area.

You are so right in that the WS can effectively reverse the roles and make the BS feel as if they had the A. Unbelieveable isn't it?

Mywife, you sound like you are doing well and I'm happy to hear that. I'm glad you are keeping yourself busy and believe it or not I have started to make plans for some home renovations also. It helps take my mind off the daily madness we live is as BS's.

We will have to get together one day with Sendme for a beer.

That beer sounds great!! I found out that Sendme is only 10 miles from me!!!!!! Unreal, and you only a lake away!!! Next time you're out this way, send me a line.

What I struggle with right now is that I'm not sure the exact cause for this A, and whether or not this is a pre-existing flaw in my wife's personality. If it is, then I want no part of any reconciliation. However, if it is truly a lack of meeting EN's, then I would guess there would be some chance, if there is a chance. I guess that if given the opportunity, I would have to make another life decision!!! Not that I'm not becoming an expert at those!!!

MWIL and Send me on my way I'm out in Clinton, where are you guys?

Oswego Co., both of us!!