I can only answer for myself. In our case it was CLEARLY not meeting EN's, for BOTH of us. I made very different CHOICES than she did.

Good luck with everything...MWIL...

I certainly can see where some needs weren't met, but we just seemed so happy!!? Her too. I mean, to say she now sees that she wasn't happy for years....well, I know it's the fog. Yeah, intimacy was low, but certainly recoverable!! Lack of communication, and a drunken opportunity, and weight loss, and voila...Affair and then the rewriting of history!!

But, she has pretty much always had a need to "have" somebody, so OM either breaks her heart or vice versa.

Email from WW: (WOW!)

Hi. I just wanted to let you know that if you are trying to pi$$ me off it is working extremely well. I am trying to be patient with the fact that you want to limit your contact with me. But you are making it very hard for me to work with you with your inconsiderate behavior. You have had 48 hours to let me know where the kids are going tomorrow. My mother is waiting to hear what her day is going to be like tomorrow. That is just rude. It is also rude that you had to make me ask for the new phone number and not give it to me after you probably guessed that I called last night and the number was disconnected. If you are are working on figuring tomorrow out - tell me that. Just say "I need to check a couple of things, I will let you know this afternoon". SOMETHING. You told me that after the first couple of weeks you wanted to limit your contact with me. Well, its has not been a couple of weeks yet and we need to work together to keep things running smooth for the kids and the people who watch them. My mother agreed to change her schedule. She will watch the kids next week Wed Thurs and Friday. And the following week Monday Tuesday and Wednesday. That does mean that you are going to have to make an occasional trip to drop off or pick up. I don't think once a week or so (I will work with you on that) is going to kill you. I still have to talk to Karen about her days, hopefully she is agreeable. You can sit back and let me take care of this and think to yourself that this is all my fault so its my cross to bear. But I am not going to be considerate of you if you can't be considerate of me. I did not HAVE to ask my mother to watch the kids different days. As far as I am concerned, as we discussed, my mother is my pay responsibility. And if you can not work with her schedule that is not my fault. As well, I did not HAVE to agree to pay karen 1/2 this week. My mother is still a debt to me. Even more so considering you put my checking account in the hole over $1000. I don't want to fight with you. And I understand that you don't like me and don't want to do anything agreeable to me. You have made that more than clear. I need the kids snow clothes this weekend. DID YOU GET THAT E-MAIL??? I would not know that considering you did not even respond to me with an "ok". You dont' have to like me but you don't have to be rude.


Comments???

Mywife, maybe just reply back with "OK".

She is trying to keep the contact and control going with you.

Stay dark!

Plan B is working PERFECTLY...see...it is very difficult to anger someone who doesn't care about you. She is angry because she is frustrated and unable TO GET HER WAY!! BRAVO!!!



Think to self...just how wonderful has she been the last 6 months??? ..talk about rude...my god what planet is it that they're from......and REMAIN DARK!! You owe her NOTHING right now...
She is rude...answer her e-mails though...yes..no...kids will have clothes, etc...just facts...no comments, no nothing....

good luck...

/e

Yeah guys, those are good thoughts. I love the "with your inconsiderate behavior" comment!!!! Inconsiderate behavior??????????????? Coming from a planet way far in another galaxy!!!!! Can she really come out of this fog?? Personally, I think she just has a personality problem, of jumping from one relationship to another, and then adjusting to whatever that person has to offer. I was just an 11 year hiccup. I don't think she can ever think back to what good we have. Or the walls she's built between me, my family and all of our friends would be way to much to overcome for her. She seems to be a conflict avoider....except with me, now!!! She loves the conflict!!! She just makes up stuff!!

Maybe call her mother and work out the details on where you need to be with the kids between you and her...thereby leaving your wife in the dark but resolving the problem with managing the kids?

And once you've done that...ask her mother to let your wife know what the status is. And perhaps suggest to her mother that if she (mother) has any further questions or concerns about your dropping them off or whatever, feel free to contact you directly, and you'd be glad to work with her to manage that.

Completely bypasses the need to interact with your wife, maintains plan B, and solves the issue.

Oh...and if you just HAVE to send a message to your wife on this...do what I'd suggested, and once that's all worked out, send her a one line email saying:

It's all taken care of.

She should love that! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Well, get your 2x4's out!! Here's my reply and then hers, then my reply and her's again:

Me:
I've been in training all day, so bear with me on my responses. As for the phone number, I just found out this morning on my break what the number was. My phone has been off for the last 24 hours. I talked to Mom this morning and she still can't say, so I told her that I would call her at lunch. I just called her and she can't, so let your mom know she can watch the kids at your place. I'll bring them over tomorrow morning with the cloths you requested.

I'm not at all trying to piss you off, sorry you are taking it that way.

WW:
I am sorry. I know things can't be like they were in the past. But you could have told me you were working on it - its tomorrow. And I think you know that ignoring me IS going to piss me off. And if you are not going out of your way to ignore me, you are not going our of your way NOT to. (DD6) will need to go to Karens tomorrow morning and we will each need to give her $45.

Me:
I'll be in training, still all afternoon,...so if I don't get right back to you on an email...I will towards the end of the day.

FYI,

The kids went to Karen's this morning. Mom hasn't been feeling well the last couple days (A cold or something)

WW:
Well then I guess we each owe Karen $60. Quite a price to pay for you not wanting to run down to my house.

Me:
Excuse me, but I wasn't sure until this morning if Mom was going to be able to watch them! I see how this is going....everytime things don't go perfectly in your eyes, you'll dump it on me. That's fine...I can take it.

WW:
No (ME), I don't want to dump on you. I don't like this at all. I know you are dealing with a lot of things that you are not used to. I am, too - which is why you came and did my railing. I will try to remember that and not take things personally. I am used to having control in a sense - of my kids and there whereabouts and I like to know in advance that things are in order. And it does stress me out when someone else is waiting in the balance, even if it is my mother. I really don't want to fight with you.

Me:
And I likewise. It's not an easy balace, of moving on with my life...adjusting to a new life that I wanted no part of....and dealing with you, the source of so much joy and happiness the last 11 years, yet so much pain the last 4 months. I will continue to do what is in the best interest of the children, given the circumstances. I wish you no ill will, and am not trying to make this as difficult as you seem to be assuming I'm making it. I miss not having your company, but I know soon that will pass. I truly want happiness for you, even though it is apparent that we won't be sharing that together. The choices in your life that you have made the last 6 months are yours and yours alone.

I do have someone to lean on now. That makes things a bit easier, but this whole new situation will still take time to adjust to. And I hope you realize that as much as your time and finances are strapped, so are mine. I offered to pay a bit more for the money for Jan's mortgage. You said "I don't want any more of your money" Now, you are trying lay guilt on me!!

You were a big part of my life, (WW) for a long time. I don't judge our relationship based on the last 4 months, but on the first 10.5 years. I want to just "take a break" from you, so that those good memories will be perserved. That will, hopefully, allow for a good relationship in the many years to come. We are tied together forever, with our beautiful children.

WW:
Well I miss not having your company also and I know that I will not take these last 4 months with me as I remember. You will never fully understand the choices that I have made and I am still trying to figure that out myself, (Me).

I am glad you have someone to lean on. Would you mind providing me the information to run a background check? I am only kidding - and I know its not funny.

I am no more trying to lay guilt on you than you when you told me that you needed to buy fuel oil "so you and the kids would not freeze". That really made me want to take your money.

I understand your need to seperate yourself from me and I respect that. But please don't alienate me as you move on as I have no intention of doing that with you. I see no reason for us not to continue to keep in touch for the sake of the kids and I think it would be good for them to know that we do talk from time to time and we appraise each other of how they are doing when they are with each of us. I will tell you that they are doing really good with me. (DD6) has been sleeping really well which surprises me. I think that although we tried not to fight in front of them they could feel the stress in the house. (aside: We didn't fight at all in front of them!)

We are tied together forever because of our children. And for the first time in a very long time I don't feel anger I feel deep deep sadness. I know what kind of person that you are and that I am and now its time for me to feel the pain that was surpressed by anger.

I never had time to think, (Me). Now, I guess I do. And although I knew these feelings would be coming and I don't feel that there WAS a choice about our seperation. I just don't want to be angry any more at anyone. I know I am not a bad person. I have made mistakes and they were hurtful and disrespectful. I have to live with that. But I know that underneath the last 6 months I am a good person and I will get through this. And so will you.

I just want you to know how truly sorry I am for the pain that I have caused you and the way your life has been turned upside down. I don't know if you will ever really know how sorry.

She will feel the full brunt of what she did eventually and maybe she is starting some of that now.


She probably isn't a bad person, but she made bad choice and she shouldn't try to make excuses for them.


Show me don't tell me!

Oh and I fogot....2x4 to the head man!!!

Don't let her dump her guilt on you now. It hers and she needs to deal with it herself.

Plan B is staying dark and hearing those things from her doesn't help.

Interesting to note that she admitted that the reason that she was so angry was that SHE wasn't in control...and now that she's regained control (due to resumed contact between you and her again at her request), she's suddenly not as angry and such.

The whole POINT of plan B (as it impacts a WS) is to remove control of the situation from them and transfer it to the BS.

No 2X4...it's your life. Up to you to live it as you see fit. Just realize that if you're intent is to follow plan B...this isn't it.

No 2x 4...just an offer...drop me a line and I'll give you my phone number so that I can keep you in Plan B!! This is sincere offer.

JUST THE FACT MWIL...

Answer her questions ONLY if they deserve an answer:

i.e. What time will you be dropping children off?

Correct: 6:00 PM

WRONG: I look forward to seeing you at 6:00 PM

Why are you so rude to me? Why...why...? WHY ANYTHING??

Correct. NO REPSONSE

Wrong: I'm sorry...

For What?? For being in Plan B....?

Buddy....Not a 2 x 4 at all...a warning......you're making it very hard on yourself...

So...drop me a line...

MIL,

I really don’t know what you think you are doing, but it is definitely not Plan B. If you continue those contacts (to prove a point?) you might as well give up now, and let your WW be in contact with you whenever she wants while still sleeping with OM. Plan B entails minimal or no contact, and if there is some contact, it must be in regard to your children and it must be very brief. You are undermining your goals. You will neither get your WW back nor get peace of mind by interacting with your WW in this way. If you are going to be in Plan B, be in Plan B. If not, you might as well give up now and let your WW cake eat all she wants.

This is my 2 x 4 for the day.

Best

Yeah, all set now for Plan B. I know what it is about now. Thanks for the smack!!! I'll keep everyone posted, and anytime she tries to contact me, I'll look here for guidance!!!

Thanks, again!!!

I've got to say, not seeing my WW (W in a shell) for 5 days now has it's ups and downs. I'm trying to stay busy and do things that I enjoy, and for myself when I don't have the kids.

Any other suggestions to weather this new emotional rollercoaster? I do feel lonley, but I know I can survive without someone in my life. It's just getting used to it after 11+ years of having someone in my life.

Your going through your own withdrawal from your WW and from the hightened brain activity due to the emotional roller coaster you were on everyday. Maybe read some of the threads dealing with WS withdrawal and how to overcome it would help. Know that each day will get better. If you really want to kill some time get Xbox, take up recreational reading or just start posting to the newbies here and pitching in.

Mr. Wondering

Good morning all. Only contact with WW the last 3 days has been when I went to pick up kids. I got out of the car, kids came out, and WW peaked out the door, and said a few things about the kids and the schedule for this week as it pertains to my DD6 and activities at school. I answered with "OK's and Yes's and No's" She said "have a good week" and I just said "thanks" and left with the kids.

Her voice and demeanor, is that of just sounding a bit apologetic or "eggshell" like. Soft but slightly uncomfortable words. I never looked at her directly.

It sucked, because I'd not seen her for 1 week and was feeling great, until I had interact with her. But those few hours of sadness have left again, and now I feel fine.

If only I didn't have to see her at all, I know my healing would move a bit faster.

So now, I'm remaining dark until the next physical exchange next Sun. She'll be dropping them off, so I can just stay in the house.

Hi all! Well, 2 weeks of seperation, Plan B is going OK. A few brief emails pertaining to kids, with answers like "Yes, No, OK" from me. Then she calls and leaves a message that I'm making this difficult on the kids by not cooperating with her. I didn't reply. Pick ups and drop off's with the kids, are done without me seeing her, but they still trigger a bit of sadness for the next few hours. Then the calmness usually comes back.

I am now the one "forced" to have NC with someone I care for. My WW couldn't handle the pain of NC with OM, and thus no recovery and subsequent downward spiral in her respect for me and the kids.

Question: Is the withdrawl pain similar in both cases of NC? (For a WW from OM and BH from WW/old W)

Thank-you folks for all your help, and I will keep posting. I would love to give others help, but, really, until my marriage is recovered, if ever, then my opinions may hurt rather than help.

MWIL...ABSOLUTELY is the answer to your question. This is where you must stay strong. Not responding to her whining is PERFECT....when my xw used to call me up whining about the kids behavior I used to say nothing...in fact, I used to put cell phone down and wait for the " ARE YOU THERE?" and I would say yes....and then she would want me to talk...and I would ask her what she wanted me to say...and she would hang up. Reality sets in quickly for them....

There is a part of you that wants an emotional attachment to her...you can not do it....

Good luck....and stay in touch!