My thoughts are with you. Hang tough!

Thanks for the thoughts and prayers!!

Don't know if it is legal, yet, to change the locks. I actually got some for x-mas from my mother!!:) Although, I will carefully be watching my home for damage and or theft, after I give her my "D-day"! She's gonna flip out! But I will remain calm, and state to WW, that everything I'm doing is to protect the children, as I do have 50% responsibility for them. I will reinform WW, that I cannot control her choices in life, but I can protect my kids from a possible threat in OM. (arrests, gambling, drinking, no job, possible drug use, a cheater himself, etc...)

I'm sure I will have some interesting posts over the next week!! If I don't post in a week....call the cops!! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/shocked.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

Just checking in

Though it may not be legal it is still advisable to protect children. Let her go to court to get entry. If she breaks in I do not think you can press charges as it is her house too but she's abandoned it and she just may respect you changing the locks and stay out.

Stay strong...WW is likely to say anything and everything to hurt you...do not believe a word of it. Let is bounce off you. I'm rubber and your glue whatever you say to me bounces off to me and sticks to you. lol.

As far as her family...She has lied to them too so ignore them and give them only the exposure mantra. Tell them your side and ask for their assistance with ending the affair. If they are beligerent just politely end the call. Attempt to not feed into the justifications and rationalizations that your WW has fed them lest they believe them further. Insure them that no matter what happens they are important to you and the kids and your understand their dilema or being in the middle. Let them also know that you value their importance to your children and you will always do what you can to maintain a relationship between them no matter the outcome. This may allieve their primary fears of you "stealing" the children from them too.

Good luck,

Mr. Wondering

I've gotten rid of some threads....sure folks know why!! WW left last night after I informed her that the kids will stay here until something legal forces them out of here. I told her that I was doing that to protect the kids from her poor choices, and the horrendous background of the OM. She said, "You don't care about those kids, you're just using them as way to get back at me!" I said that "that was untrue and that I didn't appreciate that comment." She continued her spewing of venom, but I was resolved in keeping LB's to a minimum. She just up and left to go to her sister's (yeah, ok).

I took another day off from work, 'cuz I wasn't sure what might happen to house after last night's disclosure! She is seeing a L today, so I will be calling mine here shortly.

I've been thinking about you. I hope all is well. Stay strong. when do you plan to give her the plan B letter?

Probably after the soon to be custody/D/whatever date!!

WW came home, talked to her L, and she said, "I'm gonna lose if I fight for custody!" And if I don't sign LS, then she's gonna file for D, on some "secret charge" Huh???? In NY, there are 4 grounds for D, and "secret charge" isn't one of them!!! Who knows, she still in for a fight for the kids!! She tried to say she is a fit mother, even though I presented to her the 12 plus DAYS total she spent with OM on our phone alone during late June, July, and August!! Yes, that's that's 280 hours plus, during a 75 day period!! By my math, that's about 3.75 hours/day!! And who knows how much at work!! Is this normal?? Is this child neglect, considering much of the time was when I was away, and she was with kids?? I'll keep updating!! She still has no idea about the money for Jan.'s mortgage and such, or at least if she does, she is mentioning it. She has tried to be civil, after her meeting with the L, but it is so fake, cuz as soon as I create a boundry, she flips out!!

Well, I may disappoint some here,....but after intensive thinking, consulting with L, councilor, family and God, I believe I'm just going to sign the LS that WW and I had discussed about 1.5 months ago. Not that I wouldn't be up for the challange, and I personally believe that my Plan A was not good enough to do what Dazed is doing, and then go B. I don't believe I want this person anymore, and after taking a good look at our marriage, I may very well not want my old wife back either. My eyes are opening up a bit, and I see a pattern that I had not recognized before. My wife, IMO, is not capable of staying in a committed relationship for very long. I believe she will always "thirst" for that "newness" that is there in all new relationships, but very rarely lasts for very long. Her comment to me the other day about why we didn't make it was: "Do you know how long ago it was that I wanted SF from you?" (But she NEVER turned me down, and She enjoyed every second of it!!) I told her that if that is what she wants to judge a good relationship/marriage on, then she is much more shallow than I ever thought!

I want this done!!!! I will still be able to protect my kids from afar, and I will see them 50/50 with no support either way. I get the house, and she gets the he11 out!! Maybe, one day, she'll see what she has done. Maybe not. And at this point, I don't care.

I will respect whatever you decide to do. If I were you I would push this for a little better settlement than you were agreeing to up front. Her attorney even told her she would have difficulty getting custody so at least maybe go for 60/40 and compromise on a rotating 4 days you 3 days her and/or you being named the "primary" wherein you call the shots on scheduling the parental time. Also a retraining order on OM is a must. Another alternative is to do the 4 day/4 day rotation wherein you can still fight the fight Mortmarman did should you change your mind. Keep journaling just in case and for your own personal recovery, as well.

Regardless, your wifes relationship with OM will much more likley than not end one day and you will likely be the one that finally gets to decide whether it is worth it or not. This is your decision today just as much as it is at that time. All BS have earned the God given right to leave.

I hope the fact that you even considered my advice and fought for a short time assists you in living a fulfilling and regret free life. Your wife's affair is not your fault. Stick around...and let MB help you personally recover during Plan B and whatever the future holds for you.

Mr. Wondering

BTW ... consult with your attorney about being named primary. You can then share custody around your schedule and be very accomodating to your life and not so much her (and OM). Should you move on down the road and after divorce develope a healthy relationship and take a new wife you would have the ability to provide a more stable home life and may more easily obtain custody despite how you actually shared custody during your single days. Your young children need their mother now but as adolescents, her behavior may have deeper ramnifications as they develope their sense of right and wrong and experience their own opposite sex relationships.

You may have the bargaining power now to put yourself in a better position then. Consider it.

Mr. Dubya

Thank-you as always, sir!! I will be named primary. WW will agree to living within the school district. With WW's lifestyle, 50/50 will probably result in 60/40 by her asking me to "watch" kids when she's busy. I will document EVERYTHING!! Last night she told me, that there are no drugs involved, but then let it slip out that, he doesn't use his motrin 800 pills anymore for his back, so she has a bottle to help with her mentration and headaches!!!!!! Something is definitely up, but I will keep documenting this stuff. Gave her my plan B letter, and away we go! Of course, she calls me this morning to mention that she needs to still get stuff out of the house. I said, it all needs to be out by tonight.

So her interesting life is about to commence, one that either will lead her to self destruction if she accomodates this loser, or a major crash and burn. Not sure I ever want her again, but that will be a decision to make at whatever time that may happen.

Thank-you all for your support through this!! Of course, I will keep posting! Hopefully I will be able to lend some insight from what I've learned, and be able to share my continued experiences through this journey. I feel that I'm well on my way to recovery, of myself!!

Well, today's the day. WW and I are going to meet with lawyers, and draw up our LS. Please keep me in your thoughts.

Do I hope for a chance with wife again? For now, and for whatever time God keeps that option open in my heart. But it is time for my focus to be on me and my children. I'm kinda looking forward to it, after the he11 of the last 3.5 months.

Mywife, you know you are in my prayers and I will be thinking of you. You certainly deserve much better than the crap that has been handed to you.

Stay strong for your kids and guard your heart for now.

Your WW will one day defog.

Hope, you are also in my thoughts. Not sure where you live, but when this all settles, I sure would like to share a beer with you. I'm near Syracuse, NY.

Mywife, you are just across the pond from me. I live in Toronto and maybe one day I'll ride that new ferry across the lake and take you up on that offer. I know of another MB poster who live in your fine town.

Long emotional day!! LS stuff went fine. As we walked outside, that's when the "stuff" happened:

Let me back up in time.

When I proposed to my W on June 25th, 1997, it was on our back pourch. I took a rose from one of our rose bushes in back and cut it before she got there. It was a bush that had never bloomed before. I put her engagement ring on one of the small branches, and when we were just hanging out on the back porch, I casually went to the bush and said "Isn't this rose beautiful?" and she said "Wow, that bush has never bloomed!!" I pulled the flower out of the bush, and she looked perplexed, that it had already been cut. She asked if I had cut it, and I ignored the question and said look at the beauty of this rose. As her eyes focused on the rose, she saw the ring, and I proposed. She wept, said yes and we hugged and kissed and it was our happiest day of our lives.

Fast forward to after the signing of the LS today. Before we met the L, I stopped and picked up a single rose and left it in my car. When we were in the parking lot ready to part, I said, "I have something for you" I brought the rose out, and gave it to her and said " I wish you all the luck with the choices you've made" On the rose was my wedding band, just like the engagement ring. She saw it and basically dropped to the ground crying hysterically. I shed no tears, and was strong as could be, and said "Please take this ring, and put it with all the other wedding items that you have stored away. Good luck, (WW). And turned and walked away into my car and drove off. She was still starring at the rose and crying as I left.

I'm ready to move on. With or without her. And so many people have said that the best opportunity for any reconciliation is when the wayward one, sees the other moving on, losing all control of that person. Who knows. Who cares. I'm of more value to myself now than my WW. And my energies will be focused on me and my beautiful children.

So this part of the ordeal is over. More challenges ahead, but time for something better than living with a WW, in which the respect for each other was just about gone.

HOLY COW!!!!!!!! That was priceless.

(((((((((((((((((((((Mywifeilove)))))))))))))))))))))))))))

Spent entire day with kids, and we had a blast!! Did things in the house that only a dad would allow...kicked field goals in the hallway with a nerf football, brought kitchen table in living room and made a big "tent" with blankets and pillows inside and watched a movie from inside the "tent", went sledding outside, went and visited some neighbors that have children of similar age that are friends of mine and the children, we turned the radio up loud and danced, made them a nice breakfast and allowed them to eat in the living room, took them out to dinner, then tucked them into their beds, with smiles on their faces. WW called when we were out to dinner and left message. The message said "Hey it's mommy, anyone there? OK, give me a call before you go to bed or tomorrow morning. I'll see you at 4pm tomorrow." When we got home from dinner, I asked DD6 if she wanted to call Mommy. She said no, I'm too tired. I said, I think you should really give your Mommy a call. DD6 said, no, I'll see her tomorrow anyway, I just want to spend time with you, Daddy.

Kinda made me tear up, but in a way that says, that I'm doing the right things for my children. So gratifying!!

So Plan B is now 2 days in. With all the he11 that went on here over the last month, not sure I've left the WW with an image of a place for a safe landing. But Plan B is for me. And if it wasn't a perfect Plan A, then so be it. I did my best. I'm at the point where there is some love left in my heart for my W, but I'm sure it won't be long before the door of my heart closes on her. She just retracted too many love units from my LB over these last months, and I value myself and children, more than her.

Someday, she'll look back, I'm sure, at the poor choices she's made, and question those choices. But I can't really have much sympathy for that, for it's only her that made those choices, and it'll only be her that suffers the consequences of those choices. And knowing who she is, and always has been, it'll be tough for her to accept the responsibility of the choices. She very well may always shove the blame to someone or something else. So sad, because my W in many aspects, was a wonderful person!!

Hi MWIL..I am the other poster that Hope this works said was from the Syracuse area. Feel free to get my e-mail address from him..or I'll put it at the end of this thread and remove in an hour or so...

I know exactly how you feel right now and recall it well. You're still going to be on a roller coaster, just make sure you stay in control now and do not allow her to have much inout. It'll get better. Feel free to drop me a line..

[email]got your e-mail my friend...[/email]

Glad to see you doing so well. Hope it is more than just a brave face. It is going to get harder when the kids aren't with you. What are you thinking of doing to occupy your time? IMO it's not healthy to just throw yourself into your work and avoid thinking about but it's also unhealthy to dwell on it. Join a gym, get in shape. Redecorate. Take a class. Take up a hobby or go back to an old one. Just find a way to keep busy but also consider some personal counseling. I did for awhile but now I think I just get it here.

Mr. Wonderng

Yes, sir, I'm well on my way to focusing on myself. I have already looked into classes and the University I work at. I have joined a basketball league that should be able to accomodate any schedule involving the kids.

Is there a "brave face". I'm sure there is an aspect of that, but I also have the knowledge from many MBer's that moving on for yourself, is one of the best ways to heal. I am already seeing a councilor through work (completely free!) and am really looking forward to the challenges that lie ahead! Not that the ups and downs won't be there. But with the knowledge that they will occur, I believe that I'm prepared the best I can be.