Ok, Plan B going well, but WW keeps emailing me about "little stuff" and is offering little pieces of "niceness". My replies are "Yes, No, OK"

She obviously sees a one way ticket out of our marriage, forever. But I'm wondering, maybe should I still be Plan A'ing???? My love for her (or attachment) still is there. But since she's moved out, does that automatically mean Plan B??? Or maybe a Plan B, with me getting on with my life and having word get out that I'm moving on and improving myself.

The OM, in my eyes is the lowest of the low. I don't know the guy, but, just to recap, many arrests, gambles, cheated on his W, and is now divorced, smokes pot and drinks, disabled and has no job.

I'm sure down the line (well, maybe not as sure as I used to think!!) that this A will crumble. But my Plan A wasn't perfect, and her last thoughts of me were (for awhile, trying to get custody of kids, until L advised me to take her deal) not great.

When this A crumbles, does the WW always look back to the M and want to try?? Or, is there a good chance, WW would feel too much shame and pain to come back? Or, has her new perception of me, always going to be that perception, unless I've moved on with, say, another R?

Some comments please!!

I am sure she's already starting to wonder about what you are doing. Stay Plan B... You can not waffle in and out when you need your fix. It's your withdrawal that is questioning your wisdom. Your already their so stick with your plan.

During kid exchange you can see her just don't engage her. Be showered, shaved and smell nice. Make it appear you have plans and are in a hurry. Make sure the kids here and see all the new things you are doing so they relate them to mom. If she asks you to take the kids an extra night or two be accomodating but trade her for Friday night...like you have plans or anticipate having plans. Don't lie. Just let her imagine. Her imagination will begin to stir up fear and with fear comes anxiety...increased anxiety.

Then the consequences of what she gave up start to magnify themselves in her other relationship. She starts LB'ing OM because all the sudden it is so real and in reality he can't compete. She's given up so much an got so little. OM then begins to LB back cause he's in the same boat and wha-la the relationsip hopefully dissolves.

Whether that happens is not your focus. You focus on you and moving forward into personal recovery. She may decide to join you someday, and you'll await that day...as long as you can.

Good Luck,
Mr. Wondering

This works wonders....especially the looking good part...and look happy too...my kids used to say that "daddy won't talk on the phone when we're awake"....mainly because I used to tell anyone that called that I would call them later, when kids were sleeping...I was not going to spend my day on the telephone..yapping....she took it to be women calling me....

Stay plan B....it really is your best chance....

Well, get this:

WW, calls my house 15 minutes before she is due to pick up kids yesterday. I see her # on the caller id, and give the phone to DD6. Immediately DD6 says "Mommy wants to talk to you." I said, "Ask, Mommy what she wants." DD6 says, "She just wants to talk to you." I take the phone and say "What's up?" She says, "Well, are you eating carbs?" (I've been a Low-Carb eater for 5 years. I'm healthy as a horse!!! And lost 75 pounds and have kept it off, but sometimes I will indulge.) I said "Why?" She said "Well, I have a half a loaf of Italian bread, and I won't be eating it, so I though you might want it." I said, "I don't believe this is a "children's emergency" that you couldn't have asked DD6 if I wanted it." I said, "Could you please re-read my letter to you." She said nothing other than, "Well, I'll be over in a few minutes to get the kids." I said "OK".

I hang out with the kids in the garage, until I see WW's car coming down the road. I give kids hugs, and go inside my house. 3 minutes later, while I'm in the back bathroom, I hear a knock. I go to the door, and said "Hi" She very sheepishly and in a most nervous voice says, "Do you have DS3's sneakers?" I said "I'll go check"

I closed the door, and didn't offer her to come in the house. I check my son's room for the sneakers and remembered, I never saw them when I pick him up on Fri. afternoon. I come back about 2 minutes later and opened the door and said "I don't see them" She said, "Oh, well maybe I have them at my house." I said, "OK, Bye." and closed the door.


My voice through the whole time was almost monotonic, and emotionless. I don't think I came off mean, but I don't think I came off as nice or sad either.

Comments??
I think I know, I shouldn't have taken the phone call, and shouldn't have answer the door. But she did get a chance to see that I'm moving on with my life.

I told DD6 not to call me that evening, because I wasn't going to be home that night. Wonder if that was going to get back to WW?

WW looked kinda sad, but maybe in a manipulative way.

2x4's??????

Exactly! Don't let her manipulate you anymore. You are in Plan B and that means no contact with her. She is testing you to see if you will stick to your guns.

You are doing a great Plan B, don't ruin it with kind of stuff. Remember what Sendme says "she will choke on Plan B". Let her choke...

Thanks, Hope. She emailed me again this morning. All pertaining to daycare scheduling. "Yes, No, Ok" Those are my answers, and will be for now on.

good job...I know this must be tough on you as well. Don't let the limited contact effect your withdrawal either. Stick to your guns.

Mr. W

Thank-you Mr. W.,

Really, for whatever reason, it hasn't been too bad! I don't know if my love bank has been depleted to the brink (in other words, good thing she moved out!! Forced Plan B), or the torture of living with an active WW was so much worse in comparison. I'm staying very busy! When she picked up kids, I had my car running, with my work clothes hanging from the rear "car hanger" in plain view as she picked up kids. That coupled with telling my DD6 that I wouldn't be home Sun. night, I'm sure got WW thinking!! Yes, WW, I am moving on with my life!! And YOU are losing ME!!!

But whether or not an opportunity for us to get back together occurs, the decision will be MINE not hers!! And that door will close, on it's own time. I'm not worried about it anymore, because I value my time on this earth, much more than dealing with this for toooo long.

But,.....I still love my W......Anyone seen her??

A bit of a tough day for me. Just getting through withdrawl, I guess. WW passed me on the highway this morning as we both drive around the same time to get to our respective jobs. I didn't look at her. Just acted like I was adjusting the radio.

I'm not supposed to have the kids tonight, but my WW is a brownie troop leader. (Probably not the best role model!!) And she takes my dd6, but asked if I would take DD3 for a couple hours. My reply? "Absolutely, I would love to have him."

Thanks for everyone's comments throughout this ordeal. It means so much to have people take the time and share opinions/expertise.

My Plan A was about a grade "B" I would say. I couldn't get the affair to end. The worst part was near the end when I threatened to file for custody, but my L said "take her deal, she'll feel the pain financially, big time!" "And it's great for you!!"

So now in Plan B, and it's about ME!!! I know the secondary benefit is that this could be my strongest position to try and let OM meet all her needs. But I believe her top two needs of affection and Intense SF (that she seems to crave) are being met, even if this guy is a HUGE loser (Moreso than even Dazed's OM!!) I'm not holding out a huge amount of hope. The speed at which she cast me aside, along with many of our mutual friends, and half of the kids lives with her, makes me think either: She's not thinking at all. or This guy is super attractive to her.

mwil....like all infernos hers will burn out for OM...trust me....and by that time you may have taken that empty love bank and tossed into the transfer station in Hastings!!

Then it could end up being my mantra...

what comes around goes around....

Mywife, hang in there my fried, you know the early stages of Plan B are the hardest so keep busy as your doing.

Sendme, is right, her A will end and by that time you may not want her back if she decides to return.

BTW, since you have primary custody, does you WW pay child support?

Hope,

We ended up with joint custody, no support either way! And the way WW spends money, she'll be hurting, unless she has some "secret" sorce of money!!

Get this:

WW just droppedd ds3 for me to babysit. I go to the door as son is coming up stairs. She says, "(Me), why is it you can't even look at me during these exchanges?" WTF!! Did she not even read my letter?????? I ignored her and said "come on in son!!" And then I closed the door! She'll be picking him up at 8:15. Wonder how that will turn out!!

Did I handle this situation correctly?

I'm hoping for some responses!

Hi MWIL,

I just read your story.

Dont answer her, stay the course... she's really trying to draw you out. I cant believe she pulled the 'rude' # on you. I'd have had to bite my tongue OFF not to say 'it's extremely RUDE to start an AFFAIR during a MARRIAGE, you W*&#!*re'... but that's me. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/mad.gif" alt="" />

I, too, think your W has some long term/deeper issues that you are just not going to be able to address alone. She sounds much like my H's exW. She was an attention junkie, the stability of a marriage just would not keep her home. She also left him for a looser. Her loss <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

I also like, "I dont need to see you", said politely, then close the door. She sure is working hard to make sure you do not want her back.

Hang tuff! You are doing extremely well! Please take care and enjoy your evening with your S - Dru

PERFECT!! I did not look at my xw for 6 months!!! But all the time I wasn't looking I sure looked good!!!

When she came back from brownies, I took son out to car without my coat on. I was all decked out, and put a little extra drakkar on!!! Had my car "warming up", and a duffle bag packed on the stairs. Yes, I'm going over to my Dad's to hang with him!!!! But I'm sure other thoughts are going through her mind. BUT I KNOW, PLAN B IS FOR ME!! But during our "encounters" I will surely be looking like I'm moving on just fine without her!! She is so deep into this fog, I can't even believe it!!! And it thickened right before my eyes during the 4 months!!

BTW, for those who haven't seen my whole story, here it is in two other pieces over at recovery!

http://www.marriagebuilders.com/ubbt/sho...page=15#2832274


http://www.marriagebuilders.com/ubbt/sho...e=8&fpart=1

Mywife, I think you handled the situation well. I agree with Dru that she is sure working hard not to want you back. Don't get sucked into her manipulation games anymore. I am getting to the point where I'm having difficulty looking at my WW in the eye also.

I hope to get a similar arrangemet as you did (i.e. joint legal and physical custody, no CS either way and I stay in our home). WW is still pushing hard for primary but I won't give in here.

My WW also spent money very easily over the last year or so and I would like to see how she maintains her lifestyle on one income.

YOu are doing great.

Thanks, Hope.

She dropped the kids off this morning, and I took them over to my Mother's house. WW does not speak nor feels comfortable with dealing with anyone that is in "my camp". There are dozens. She was so friendly with the 30 or so people that were "our friends". She gave them all up, along with me, half the kids time, a beautiful home, and her self respect.

She looked at me this morning with such humble eyes. Whether she feels pity, or remorse, or just plain manipulation, I don't know. This is something she will have to deal with the rest of her life. I don't know if that feeling of shame, will force her to "accept" OM for fear she will have nothing else.

Don't know. Really don't care. I progress through this period of my life, knowing I only have a set number of days to live. And I want them to be as happy as they can be. Which means that I be happy with myself, no matter who, if any, is in my life romantically. I'm at peace with myself, knowing that I'm a good man. Caring, loving, and grounded. I will project that onto my children, and is now my number 1 goal in life. It may seem unmanly, but I feel I am the one, now, to raise them with the unconditional love, that my WW has seemingly lost, for everyone, including herself. I pray to God, she recovers that love.

WW ask me the question last night: "Why won't you even look at me during the kid exchanges?" I ignored her, but was thinking of sending this: (I haven't yet!! Just need some thoughts!)

Last night you asked me a question and I ignored it. I'll answer it now.

First, I would ask you to re-read my letter I gave to you. Part of the answer to your question lies within that letter.

I told you several months ago, that I loved you enough to let you go. I've done that. It wasn't the easiest thing to do, but I'm glad for you that I did, so as to remove you from the pain of all that has happened.

You see, I know that the love I have for you is deep and true. It was ALWAYS there........I just wasn't the best at expressing it in the ways you needed it to be. That......I've SO learned. So, now, the greatest expression of my love for you,..... that I can give you,.... is to let go.

The only thing I ask from you....... is to let me let you go, so that I can continue to move in a positive direction in my life.

Thoughts, opinions, 2x4's??? Yes, I'm in Plan B. I think I already know the answer, I just don't have faith that my Plan A was "great" and seamless into B.

Although I'n not a Plan B expert I don't believe responding to her comment is a good Plan B strategy. Plan B means staying dark.

Don't kid yourself, she knows exactly why you won't look at her. She knows you are trying to move on and it scares her. She wants to get a reaciton from you.

Stay dark my friend! YOu are doing great.