In Plan B they will FIND something that gets you to react.

Dont.

Really, your heartfelt letter will not affect her. I still like my answer (guess I'm biased <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" /> ), 'I dont need to see you'. Or just dont answer. She KNOWS why. She's worried that you are disgusted with her (and you are close). She'll just spout the same babble about what she needs to do for herself and re-write the marriage history... you've heard it all before.

And if you answer this, she'll keep pushing. Best to stop this habit before it starts. I know it's tempting, but you've laid the groundwork in Plan A. She knows what you have to offer, she knows what she needs to do, she knows that otherwise you cant have anything to do with her. I still say you're doing very well. It's affecting her, keep up the good work! - Dru

Well said Dru. Mywife, look back on my thread to the email I sent my WW and her reply from a few days back. She spouted the exact fog babble the Dru is refering to. It is all about WW so please remove yourself from that.

Thanks, Hope and Dru.

Those were the softest 2x4's yet!! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

What I tell you!! Don't do it!! She doesn't deserve an answer!!

Do you know what you need to do? Make a journal...write all that stuff down, get it off your chest..read it 100 x if you want...and understand that she won't answer you!!

Look...if you want a 4 x 4 up your head I'll do it....cause you need to STAY DARK!!! Let her choke on it....

HEY!! I know where you live!!:) I didn't send it, not cuz I didn't want to, but I would have had to deal with you people!!!!:)

I'm all better now!! You folks know how these emotions go!! I'm OK!! WW, just gets to me when I have to interact with her. That's why I can't!!! It's so much better when I don't deal with her at all!!

Plan B would be so simple, if I didn't have any kids!!! But I guess, if I put my mind too it, I could make it easier.

Hey, idea!!!!! When I go and drop the kids off....what do you folks think if I got out of the car and put a blindfold on and earplugs????....Just kidding......(I think)

Look buddy..I'll give you the same advice my father gave me during my hard times...there is no on ein the world that is worse to deal with than the man looking at you in the mirror.

And I give this advice to you for YOU....

Plan B is actually better with the kids in my opinion..she HAS to see you..remember...she can't read your mind...she doesn't know how hard it is for you...in fact, it should not be long before she gets angry....cause you are appearing to move on....

Send, I love that saying for Plan B and I think it applies perfectly. Don't just give her a taste of Plan B, she needs to feel the full brunt of it.

Mywife, how are your kids doing? I am really concerned for my kids. Are they adjusting yet?

Hope,

I would have never thought that they could adjust so well. DD6 grew up 3 years in the last 3 weeks!! She hasn't cried once!! When WW would leave for her candle parties at night, or her other evening activities, DD would almost always cry!! She understands, and is my angel. I've done my best to say things like "Hey, isn't great that you have 2 bedrooms now?" or "It's kinda neat that you'll never get bored, cuz your always going back and forth!" When you present it like this, they respond affirmatively. It takes some strength, for the obvious reason, that we know it is not the best possible situation. The first time I tried to explain it to them like that I had to stop, because I started to break up a bit. Went into the other room, got a grip, and went back in. Son is 3 so he kinda "goes with the flow" But it makes me sad to think that he might never remember seeing Mommy and Daddy together!! I'm still hanging in there, but moving on, not worring about her.....most of the time!!

WW, picked up Dd6 for Brownies last night. I didn't see her during pick up, but when WW dropped off DD6, I went to the door, and greeted DD6. WW said, "Hi". and I responded with, "HI, would you like to say hi to DS3?"

I offered WW to come in the house. (First time in a almost a month that she has stepped in the door). By the sink, there were 2 wine glasses out. These were from a friend/date that I had had over the night before. It was unintentional, but I'm sure she saw them!!!

It's funny, I'm moving on, just taking day by day, and it justed happened, (without me planning it) that WW most likely saw the wine glasses!! And I'm not really caring what WW thinks of that!!

Personally I think it's great that your WW sees you "moving on" with your life. Let her start to wonder what you are up to and where you have been spending your time.

She saw the glasses in the sink and will be thinking who you were having wine with. Be mysterious and don't provide her with information on what you do or where you go. She lost the right to know that stuff when she bailed on you and the family.

I don't know if asking her to come in falls under Plan B?

You sound like you are doing well given what you have been through over the past few months.

How does your WW act towards you now? Is she still cold, sarcastic, angry or has she humbled herself somewhat?

I know I will NEVER accept being treated by anyone the way my WW has treated me for the last few months...EVER.

On another note, I have been listening to Michael Buble lately and love his song called "Feeling Good". It is a real pick me uper for me and is kind of how I am feeling based on everything I have learned and my new attitude. I don't want to threadjack but I'll post the lyrics for you to read.


Birds flying high
You know how I feel
Sun in the sky
You know how I feel
Breeze driftin' on by
You know how I feel
It's a new dawn
It's a new day
It's a new life
For me
And I'm feeling good

Fish in the sea
You know how I feel
River running free
You know how I feel
Blossom in the tree
You know how I feel
It's a new dawn
It's a new day
It's a new life
For me
And I'm feeling good

Dragonfly out in the sun you know what I mean, don't you know
Butterflies all havin' fun you know what I mean
Sleep in peace when day is done
That's what I mean
And this old world is a new world
And a bold world
For me

Stars when you shine
You know how I feel
Scent of the pine
You know how I feel
Oh freedom is mine
And I know how I feel
It's a new dawn
It's a new day
It's a new life
For me

And I'm feeling good

Hey Hope,

WW seems as humble as ever!! Trying to make "nice nice" at every encounter. She is certainly a conflict avoider. But in the eyes of her friends and most of her family, she has made me out to be a "crazy person" right after D-day. Yet, our M was as good as it had been since our "infatuation days" 10 years prior. Fits into Dr. Harley's concept of affairs very well. Just hope my Plan A was good enough. She just seemed to get so swept up with this "bad boy". Oh well, her loss!!

Don't worry about that, my WW has made me out to be "wacko" to her work for my exposure and taping of phone conversations. I don't think she told them about her rendesvous with OM on the 4th floor of a slimy parking garage during her lunch hour. So keep in all in perspective. WS's need to justify their actions and one of the ways of doing that is by demonizing the BS. We've both been there, but eventually they will have to deal with their actions.

"but eventually they will have to deal with their actions."

Yeah, but I'm coming to realize that whether WW has to deal with her actions or not.....I may just not care!! I'm not a very vengeful person!! Although, some of the crap I've been through (and you as well!!!) has stretched my vengence to the max!!

That is the other benefit of Plans A and B. A strong Plan A will enable the BS to loose most of his love for an unrepentant WS allowing an easier transition into Plan B. Now since Plan B is all about the BS you start to change the focus from your WS to yourself. You do things that make YOU happy, you do things for YOUR benefit. The insight you gained and the subsequent changes made through a strong Plan A help you through Plan B.

If your WS decides to re-engage the M then it is up to you to decide if that is what you truly want...and that is where you are now.

As for the hate, anger and vengfulness...I have those feelings to and I HATE feeling that way. They are normal since you have been lied to, deceived and betrayed in the worst possible way. I think that is where Plan B can help you deal with those feelings.

Just ask Send me, I remember him saying he used to have anger issues and when he finally started to get those under control things began to change for him. Maybe he can clarify that since I don't want to speak for him.

SO I think the fact that you "may not care" if WW decides to eventually come back is a good for your personal recovery. Doens't that feel so much better that begging, pleading and anxioulsy anticipating the WS's every move?

MWIL....Stay in Plan B....you know that was breaking it...

be careful of what she may think is "staged"....(the wine glasses)....

one of my boys had left something inside their mothers house during my plan B...I wanted to get out of there and she told me to just go get his sneakers...rather than speak to her I just went inside and got them...and I sure noticed the 2 coffee cups....but shut up..cause my boys were there...

DARK...MEANS DARK...nothing....you also need to consider her humility may be her withdrawal from you. I refused to even look at xw...I had to not care...you need to get to that same place...then things MAY fall into place...if they do not...it won;t be so bad...right?

Update:

WW, came to pick up kids this morning. She said: "DD6 should have some gloves on." I said: "They are in her back pack." That was our only exchange. WW later sends me this email:

"I just wanted to tell you that I am sorry if you felt like I was trying to control the "outerwear" situation with <DD6> this morning. I know how she argues and I was just trying to help. She has been sick and I just wanted to be sure she was warm. Please don't take that as a knock at how you were handling things."

I don't intend to respond, but was curious as to what people may think this email implies.

Any comments are welcome!!

Who knows what is going through her head. Stay dark and don't reply. As Sendme says "let her choke on Plan B".

You are doing good and the darker you stay the better.

Thanks, Hope!! Keep your chin up!

Don’t reply. WW will always find what seems like a good reason to get you out of Plan B. Stay Dark, my man, stay dark!

MWIL,

She's concerned about your feelings and is trying to be nice to you. She feels guilty enough for what she's done to you and felt bad she criticized your parenting. Kind of like kicking a dog when it's already down. At least she has a conscious and expressing it towards you. I surmise that it it not that significant for your relationship but better than being antagonistic or withdrawn.

Don't respond. It would seriously be better if she gets mad because she expressed kindness and you didn't respond. That would be a more telling Plan B response. She may not even express that anger so don't fret if you don't get it.

All in all, try not to worry about what she does or doesn't say or do. The less you obsess (not saying you are) about her and focus on yourself the easier this likely long road will be for you.

Mr. Wondering