Real quick update: I'll post more this evening!!

OM has seemingly dumped my WW!!! WW and I have been spending LOTS of time together....just together. And that has effectively (along with all the exposure) killed the fun for the OM (or seemingly so). WW is lost right now, opening up to me, but she says she is "emotionally spent". I'm just being there for her....not in a doormat fashion, but to LISTEN!!! I'll give more details later.

For those new to my thread, search my user name to get the other "pieces" of my story. There are 2.

I'm not happy or giddy, just CAUTIOUS!!!!!!!!

MWIL, That is terrific news!! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

You could see this coming for a while now and I think taking it VERY slow is the right approach.

Maybe it will soon ber your DECISION whether or not you want this M now. I'm really happpy for you.

MWIL....next up is the hardest part....

recovery....

by Mr Wondering


UVA - Plan A not working, my a$$. <snicker>

Good news, MWIL.

I'm still on vacation in Florida so not much time. Just had to get that in to UVA. I am sure he is glad I was right (though he was referring to your wife's actions and not the chance Plan A would get OM to break up with your wife).

You've still got a struggle on your hand but at least it will just be the two of you struggling.

Mr. Wondering <----almost pyschic (and so kiddin' - no worries, I hope)

Mr. W,

You made me smile. You could not wait to tell me this. Thanks for calling me out. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/cool.gif" alt="" />

If things stay as they appear I am glad to eat crow on this. I hope you are right; although I don’t think that will be the case long term. Plan A has its purpose as I stated in my post to you, but I just don’t think that Plan A will be the reason WW and OM break up in the end. But I hope I am wrong here and that you are right.

MWIL,

Great news! If I were you I would be guarded in my optimism right now, but it is great news nonetheless.

OK, Much more news, this may be long...

This past week, WW and I have spent over 20 hours of "undivided attention", not in a marital sense, but as people who care for each other...we went for a walk down to a pond near her place, have had dinners and breakfasts at each others place...all in her eyes to have us both have more time with our children....yet her and I are usually interacting with each other independently of the children.

Well, over the last few days, WW has called and emailed me even more....and come to find out, via me asking..."hey, are you ok?" and she said "I'd really rather not talk about it." I said, "oh, that is fine...but I'm hear to listen, if you'd like." Of course, she starts spilling the beans....OM is livid at WW for spending so much time with me!!! She says she feels pressured from him to "make a future with him" She "likes hang out with him" but it: quote: "makes her want to hurl, when he brings it up" She admits that her perspective on him has changed alot!! (Geez, you think the Harley's know what they are talking about????)

So now today, after my "quick update" post of earlier...WW's car has died...for good. She doesn't know what she is going to do...but I told her if she'd like I'd go car shopping with her. She was so excited to hear that!! It's all her money, I won't ever give her money while she is a WW. So I took the last of my vacation (2.5 hours, and she knows that's all I had left) and took her car shopping.

We laughed, test drove cars, sat down with sleezy salesmen, laughed some more, and then she just started crying...out of the blue. I wanted to ask what was wrong...but I sensed she already knew I knew...so I didn't ask. I didn't say anything except..."Hey, how about we go pick up the kids together from daycare and go to Ponderosa to celebrate your new car!! She looked at me with tears in her eyes and said, "That sounds nice!"

OM calls while we were there. WW was at the buffet, I picked up her phone, opened it (its a flip phone) told my son to "sit down", (so he could hear my voice) then hung up. 5 sec. later it rings and it is him again, WW still at the buffet...so he leaves a message. WW comes back and I said "your phone rang, and I saw it was OM." "I accidently flipped the phone up when checking to see if it was one of your friends." She said "Oh, don't worry about that! I don't care what he thinks!!"

10 minutes later, she says "I'm going to go call him outside." I said OK....good luck. She did and came back and said "He is such an @sshole." I saw part of her reaction while they were in conversation, and it wasn't pretty!!! WW came back to my house, hung out for awhile, and then gave me a very nice long "non-friendly" hug!! (In other words, a more loving hug!!) She thanked me for the afternoon, and said she had a lot of fun, and "thanks for dinner". An hour later she calls, we talk for an hour about OM and how "He's gonna be hurt by her actions."

Now, throughout all this she has not once talked about us getting back together. I don't care!!!!! And she senses that, which IMO, is drawing her closer. Maybe I should say, I do care, but I don't have the fear of not being with her...aka confidence in myself!!!

I told her tonight that I was going to back off being around her so much, because she needs space to breath from all of this with the OM, and I don't want to interfere!!! (How ironic....OM told her this when her A started...and she was attracted to him quote "not pushing her" which, of course was manipulation at it's best!!! I guess I've learned a thing or too from him!!! (Yuck!)

So here I am....feeling stronger than ever...still not in fear, or overly anything with regards to my WW. This is a girl I would like to date sometime...but I want her to be clear from any other relationships. Not waiting...just being myself, and having fun with my WW and without her!!!

Thanks for any comments, and opinions. And UVA....I value your insight and have taken many of your suggestions in the past. The nice thing about this board is that you can get a bunch of wonderful advice...sometimes conterdictory, but good advice nonetheless. And then knowing my sitch the best, I can pick from the differing advices that best suit my needs to recover my M....if I so choose.

Thanks,
MWIL

Bump, for replies.

MWIL,

Sendme is right...this is where the HARD part begins. Since I've haven't gone through this I cannot provide you with much advice except to say that taking it very slow with no pressure is probably the mose effective course or action.

EVERYDAY, I think about taking a baseball bat to the face or my WW's OM so I don't know how you are able to maintain your composure when discussing him or seeing his number on the cell phone.

Payback is a b1tch and one day OM will get his...

My situation has matched yours alot and has always been slightly ahead of mine so I watch it closely to see how your doing and for guidance.

You are doing great my friend...all the best to you.

Thanks Hope,...right back attcha!!! I have forgiven...within my heart and soul, thanks to understanding the MB pricipals. Yes, even the OM...for if I continue resentment, it demonstrates power over me. I'll be damned if I let that happen!!! They would never be happy, that is quite evident. He represents the Devil to me, and I choose to fight evil with good!!!!! Evil vs. Evil seems to never solve anything within anyone. Love, understanding along with self confidence in my soul, allow me to fight the battle....knowing good will always prevail!!!

Continued prayers, my friend!!
MWIL

WW has invited me to our niece's 1st birthday party, at her Sister's house on Sunday. All of her family members will be there...and to top it all off...OM only lives 1/4 mile away!!! Plan A to the T!!!

Sorry but in a morbid way....this is kinda fun!! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

OK....I'm in seek of some good opinions. Things are "rocky" at best between WW and OM. Only through her volunteering of info., WW says things aren't good and that he is seemingly putting pressure on her to "talk about the future". He get very upset when WW and I spend time together.

At this juncture, I believe I'm potrayed by the WW spouse as "someone who cares for her, but over her". I have been, for all intents and purposes, a "great friend", if one was to qualify our relationship from afar.

Now, do I continue doing what I'm doing?? Plan A to perfection (Now that I "get it"), or do I back off and let OM self destruct? I just don't have the money to call SH back....but honestly, I've pulled my WW back to me quite a bit! She openly shows remorse to me, all on her own, (I NEVER bring up any R talk). Just a few short months ago she would not even consider remorsefulness!! I stay so strong...and she seems to be looking for pity.

I told her today, after she initiated some R talk, (while giving her a hug) "I could've easily hated you wanted and wanted vengence on you. Instead I have choosen understanding, love, and care."

A tear flowed down her face as she hugged me. I then presented her with a "present" for the new car she just had purchased. (A basket with some car fresheners, a quart of oil, tire pressure guage, armor all, winsheild washer fluid with extra bug "power" <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />, a seat belt padded cover for where the seatbelt crosses her shoulder and chest area, dry gas, "car Fabreeze", a new coffee travel mug, and a note that said "just a little something for your new car", along with a bag of her favorite chocolate candies.

She was at the brink of emotionally letting go(crying)....when I said "hey lets go back into the party." (It was my nieces 1 yr B-day party)

So once again.....ADVICE PLEASE!! Keep the Plan A rockin' or start withdrawing from her, and let OM self destruct?????

Thanks folks....and ALL opinions are welcome....I'll be able to screen out the opinions that are out "in left field" <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

MWIL

I think it's very obvious you are not "over her"...she KNOWS you still love and care about her and as soon as that affair is OVER you'll be able "talk" relationship. Your current strategy is not perfect but very good for now as long as you see progress being made. Your Plan A is two pronged just as mine was. Get WW to break things off or OM to break things off. IMO, it is much better to get OM to end things as a WW might just fence ride for eternity (like Mrs. Dazed). Mrs. W and I often "wonder" how long she may have waffled if OM had not ended when he did. Last spring a few posters pondered how awful it was to have OM break things off as if they really felt horrible becuase their WW did CHOOSE to come back to the marriage. I disagree. Get them OUT of the affair however possible and THEN see what happens as far as reconciliation.

Keep Plan A'ing. You are doing a great job. You can "slip up" again like you did when you tried to kiss her recently just to make it KNOWN that you are "still married" and still want her. Being "manly" and trying to "bed" your wife may be meeting an emotional need even if she says "no".

It also may not be horrible to indicate at some point that if you two DID actually split up so she could be with OM that you two would not be such close friends. For now, you are being the best individual, husband and father you can be...but absent a marriage, you would not necessarily CHOOSE to remain so close. Choosing OM AND your continued friendship should not be an option. However you feel comfortable slipping that in.

Good luck,
Mr. Wondering

Thanks Mr. W. Yes I care very deeply for W. Not WW. I feel that I am in a good position within myself...I have been able to detach just enough to ease the pain considerably, but still want my marriage to work. I'm not waiting, per say, just enjoying my life...every second, whether I'm interacting with WW or not. And it's not hard, if the value of self is high enough, along with the ability to recognize my faults (I AM human!!) and try to correct them.

I very often try to put myself in WW shoes, for I once, way back when, choose a person over a girlfriend I'd been dating.

Yes, marriage vows make that SO much more different...but if WW doesn't "connect" with the sanctity of those vows, I can only surmise that what she is going through is similar to what I did to a very wonderful person, all do to lust.

So WW may very well be seeing the "grass isn't greener". But now that she is slowly coming to this conclusion...how do I show her a path back....after I've basically conveyed to her that I've moved on!!

I mean, I have moved on with my life!!! But I haven't ruled out a reconciliation!! I would like for nothing better than to do this the right way....for now. Maybe 6 months from now I will have become close to someone else, and not want a reconciliation. Not sure WW could overcome the damage she has created.

I'm being her "friend", but I know at some point, that has to end. At least if I have any intentions of "drawing" WW back.

Comments??

She says she loves spending time with me!!!!! (Quite a difference from 4 months ago!!!!

MWIL

WW just sent this email to me:

"Do you know that your being so nice to me is eating me up inside?"

How should I respond?

How about..
"What would you have me do, WW?"

OK, I responded with:

"How else would you have me be, <WW>?????

Her response was:

"I know, I know. I don't want you to be any different, I am not saying that. I just wish....... thats all."

What??????? Advice please. This seems to be some critical point right now.

How about:
"You wish... what?"

MWIL,

Since she brought up the r-talk, go with it a little.

Maybe ask her if she could wish for something right now what would it be?

See where it goes...

My reply:

"If you could wish for something RIGHT NOW.....what would it be??????"

waiting on her reply..........

Be careful MWIL,
She's fishing. My guess: You've gotten her attention... she can't stop thinking about you and has a million "what if's" running through her mind. But she's still not sure... and is trying to get you to show your hand so she'll know what her options are. Let here take the lead here... easy does it!
--SC