Great point UVA. I 100% agree.

If you have an inclination to throw caution to the wind before getting said testing done at least wear a condom. Stand firm on this issue. Your kids can't lose both parents to something as serious as HIV/AIDS and OM was/is feared to be involved in drugs to some extent. Who knows what he's done drug wise (think intravenous drugs) let alone who he has slept with.

Your WW should be on-board with this precaution and it may even help alleviate the added pressure of contrived renewed sexual contact early in recovery as you await testing. It's just smart.

Mr. Wondering

We both gave blood in April.....is that enough testing???? Anyways, I don't want to put the cart before the horse....in case of an emergency...a condom would be in use...until we know for sure....wife is type of person that would fully understand that concern.

WW and I talked for another hour last night on the phone, after I put the kids down for the night. Just simple, wholesome conversation....something that seemed so impossible back 6 months ago. Again, she is bringing back a lot of old good memories.

Thanks, UVA for the concerns!!!! Mr. W, as always!!! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />
MWIL

MWIL,

Sounds like you are mastering the concept of Plan A and knowing what makes a man attractive in a woman's eyes. I think it is pretty obvious that she is falling for you again.

I love how you have turned your life around in a few short months and this has certainly been noticed by your WW. She is attracted to your new strenght and independence.

Keep doing what your doing and let her come to you since this may only be the beginning of recovery.

HTW

Thanks Hope....and may you find the peace which I have found!!

When removed from the "in your face" part of the A...the true inner healing of the BS can begin. In my case...I chose to do all the things recommended here at MB and Dr. Harley to move in the direction of healing, and for me, it came relatively quickly. And with the absolute assurance that OM is the dirtbag of the year here on these boards...I think it was only a natural feeling that I was a better man...he met a very minimal number of her needs. And now the LB's of him are almost non-stop!!!!! Meanwhile, with my new found confidence in myself...Plan A is almost done with no effort!!! And it truly is as though we are meeting for the first time!!! But I'm also not naive enough to think that there still isn't a withdrawl process that the WW has to go through...but OM sure is helping with that!!!!

GET THERE HOPE!!!! Plan A or B will work...I have confidence in the Harley's and their methods....hold true to them my friend!!!

God bless!
MWIL

OK....quick update, and would always love comments from all you....I'm at a critical stage right now with WW....

I need to know if I should change anything that I'm doing...now that WW has kinda let it be known there is a chance with us...

Here is an email exchange from a few minutes ago:

Me: "Jim just gave us our raise starting in July..........<<<<<drum roll>>>>>...........4.0%!!!!! Yeah!!! Full percent more than what we all thought!! Pizza on me!!!!!! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />


Hope you don't mind me sharing the good news with you....you're still on my mind, all the time."

WW: "Of course I don't mind you sharing with me - your news OR pizza!!!! Good for you!!! You are still on my mind, too."

I asked her if I could come over for pizza...me buying. She said "SURE!!"

Sounds good....but I just would like to get as many opinions as I can!!

Thanks, again!
MWIL

Shower before going. lol

I just got a new cologne that my wife loves. Bulgari Aqua. Stop by the mall and get a sample to see if SHE like it before you purchase it. If not tonight, then for your date a little over a week from now. Smell is very key to women and a new fragrance for you is a fresh start. If she asks about it say it's a new cologne for married men called "Seduce Your Wife"...do you like it. Ha Ha.

Some new clothes for you as well. Don't make a big deal about it. You downplay the effort and let her notice and allow her to comment on it. You did it for you. It makes you feel better and more confidant. You feel bad for yourself that you let that stuff go a bit in your marriage. You see, it's a lot more believable and confidant appearing when you express the changes are for yourself and NOT HER.

I suggest the Hawaiian Deluxe pizza. Pinneapple can be so sexually suggestive. Just kiddin'. Have fun.

Mr. Wondering

Hey Mr. W, great idea....

But do you think I should get a few samples of different cologne....don't put any on...and just during the course of the night say..."Hey, I'm looking into getting some new cologne" let her smell the samples then ask "which one do you like better on ME". Good idea????

I'd stick with what Mr. W suggested. Some new clothes and the sample aftershave is a great idea. Like Mr. W said, you're making these changes for *you* not *her* - keep that mindset.

I also suggest you don't discuss the new clothes and aftershave unless she brings it up. If she is interested like you think she might be, she *will* notice. But your bringing up the topic seems needy to me...at least IMHO.

I agee subtle is better...

I used Mr. W's idea!!! Worked flawlessly! Even the "Seduce your Wife" name of cologne.

Had a nice....no....very nice evening....I gave kids a bath...(I forgot that my last day with kids was "bath night"..and WW jokingly commented "Daddy let you guys be stinky" Kids laughed, I laughed, and she laughed. Then I offered to give them a bath...WW said "No, no thats OK...I gave them one anyway.

Earlier, kids were outside playing while WW and I finished our pizza and wings. She made Dunkin' Donuts coffee....and as always PERFECT amount of cream and sugar. I commented to her..."I can't even make my coffee taste this good!" (And it's true!!!!)

We talked a bit about everyday stuff for a few minutes...I was on her couch, and when she came to sit down...she chose to sit kinda close to me. Then, I said to her..."Hey, turn around"...(gently taking her by her shoulders and showing her what I meant. She turned and said "what? Is there something on my back???" I didn't answer...I just started giving her a massage. She accepted with a couple slight moans, and then a "Oh my God...I didn't realize how tight I was....Do you feel those knots in my back?"

I proceeded to work my way up and down her neck and back....of course...we all know that the neck and lower head region near the ears with the right "tickley" pressure is more than a massage area....AKA erogenous zone!! For 15 minutes I heard "Ahhhh..that feels so good!".......................THEN IT HAPPENED!!!! (No...not that!!! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" /> )......OM calls...WW ignores call, but sees it on her caller ID. 1 minute later.....he calls again!!!.....Then a third time about 3 minutes later. Her ans. machine was turned down, so I didn't hear anything.

I told WW, "Hey it might be something important...just go outside and find out what he wants" So she did...and I heard HIM (through her open window <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" /> ) screaming at her over the phone!! She replied with a "What's your problem???" And then they said something I couldn't hear...for I backed away from the window....didn't want to get caught!!

WW comes back and said nothing....and sat back down next to me....but massage was over...I didn't push it!!

And after I said my good-byes to the kids....WW came to me and gave me a hug that was different from the last 5 months worth of hugs.....instead of the "little pat" that she threw in every hug, she this time just held me and "rubbed" my back while hugging...and then a "slightly more than a peck" on the lips.

Hope this wasn't too steamy....and if it is...you're all too old!!!! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

Any comments would be cool!
MWIL

Sounds like a very interesting night!

I would lay low. She will be thinking about that back rub today...and about the kiss."Hmmm, I felt something with that kiss...but there is something there afterall."
Let her contact you. When she calls smile when you say hello she'll hear it in your voice.

Sounds like a very nice night. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/cool.gif" alt="" />

WW and I just had quite an email exchange...essentially, she likes the idea of us spending more time together...without the pressure that was debilitating us back just post D-day. She also told me she wants to be as honest with me as she "can be"......she told me she is going to see OM tomorrow to exchange some things that they have of each others. And to have a clean break from him (not exactly what I wanted to hear....but ok) Then she said I don't hate him...and I'm sure that there will be part of me that misses him.....(aka, withdrawl). She then stated that "he needs to understand how much I miss my family...which I think he is starting to get"....not sure there, but ok.

Then she points out that she SO wants to be able to promise me things again....but have them MEAN something. She ended with..."I haven't ruled out anything that may happen between us in the future...let's just take it slow."

Comments....Analysis????? From my POV, there are obviously some good things in there, some decent insight into her stage in this....but there are also some things that are just still some of the "waywardness" peeking out.

But all in all, the A seems to be nearing an end...(and I'm not naive enough to think that tomorrow's encounter is the end)....and WW has drawn closer to me, and things are much more comfortable between each other.

I am treating this development with my MB antennea up!!! I want to do this right....and keeping things light, but injecting slowly some boundaries as I see progress, IMO, will be key.

Thanks, in advance for the comments!!
MWIL

MWIL,

I haven't posted much on your thread lately even though I have been following your situation very closely. I'm having some anger and resentment issues right now and I didn't feel I could give you and untainted view point.

Having said that, I think you are doing very well and it still amazes me how you are able to disconnect from your WW while she is blatantly seeing OM in your presence. You are a much stronger man than I am since I would certainly be hurt and disrespected by those actions.

My WW has most likely taken her A with OM deep underground. Even so, I know if I uncovered more proof of current contact with OM, it would force me to shut down completely from her. It's a protection mechanisim for me.

I hope to get to the point you are at one day and more effectively deal with my WW.

I'm really interested by her comment stating she misses her family. Does she miss her kids or you or both?

In my case, I'm sure missing the kids would be a driving force in my WW desire to reconsile. What normal mother wouldn't miss her kids?

You are doing a great job my friend. Just guard your heart.

What would happen if you pulled back a little right now? She has obviously be redrawn to you so maybe a little pull back would accelerate her attraction to you.

Good show last night. Again, stay cool and don't get overconfident!

When the time is right you might be able to get her to agree to NC for her own clarity of thought - not as something you require as a boundary condition. Something like, 'I know making that choice is hard for you. Would it be easier on you to just not communicate with him at all for a while?'

Just a random thought. Hopefully someone smarter than me will come along and tell you something better <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/laugh.gif" alt="" />

Thanks Hope and Bit.

Quick update/email exchange:

Me: "As your husband.....I'm here for you....to talk to and to rediscover the relationship we had that led us to 10.5 years of complete trust and honesty....when and if that path is found and followed by you and I. You will feel no pressure from me!!!! Not like that "crap" 6 months ago!!!"

Alright......enough of the "brain scrambling stuff". <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" /> Keep smiling.....you ALWAYS make people's days brighter, when you do!!!"


WW: "<BS>, I appreciate the sentiment. I have a long way to come back emotionally. But I do feel a pull that I have not felt in a very long for my family. I made a promise to myself if I ever felt that that I would not ignore it. Its not about not wanting to work, but I feel like it has to be a natural progression and right now I feel very numb inside."

It sounds like she is being honest about her feelings...and it sounds like she is still a foggy. Don't even ask her about her meeting w/ OM...she is still a WW and who knows how she will respond being w/him even for just a little while. Enjoy your weekend. Enjoy your date with her next week. Enough R talk.

Yep, C42, agreed!!!! Just have to send a probe out once in awhile to get a feel of things....but I soon will want some boundaries in place, for even a CHANCE in her mind....she can't go into this thinking that I would do anything....she has a lot of work to do, and so don't I!! But, you're right, no more R talk for a while!!!!! I may just pull back a bit before our date next Friday!!

Well, real quick.....WW's sister and I talked today as I was picking DS4 up from her house....well, it seems WW has specifically told her that she wants her marriage back!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! And that she "has no idea what she was thinking." And that "why was she even entertaining the though of acting like a teenager?"

OM and WW, sometime today, exchanged some personal items. And according to WW's sister...."that relationship is over....trust me <BS>."

So there we have it.....Affair seems to be over, and now back to square one with the withdrawl. But now I know better about the MB pricipals.

AND FOR SENDMEONMYWAY.......I'M VERY GROUNDED....JUST REPORTING THE FACTS, SIR!! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Recovery is seemingly just around the corner. My plan is to act as though nothing has changed...Just keep plan A'ing and see if she is reconnecting with me....but accepting her back will be awhile.

Maybe I could get her to start posting here....or I could set that as a boundery down the road.

Happy Memorial Day to all.....and please remember our VETS!!!!

MWIL

It sounds good....stick to YOUR plan.

I wouldn't enc her to come here yet. Does she know that you post? What have you told her about MB. IMO you can't start to rebuild until withdrawl is over. Hopefully its already started.

Have a great weekend! My Dad is a vet so we NEVER forget Memorial Day!

MWIL...
This might be taken the wrong way...but you're too happy to be grounded....it will come, you being grounded...

Your WW may want her marriage back but you need to remember that is dead, she killed it. You need to rebuild...with a strng foundation and that mariage is NOT a strong foundation.

There is a lot to do and it will be harder than you think...I hope that you can make to reconciling and recovery because you need to do both. YOU have a good approach...but your WW may want to jump right into "having her marriage back" and on her terms...be careful....

that's it...do not take it the wrong way....it is really meant to make you ready for this rough road....