|
Joined: Oct 2005
Posts: 739
Member
|
OP
Member
Joined: Oct 2005
Posts: 739 |
Get your popcorn ready!! BIG UPDATE coming shortly!!! Need to do some work....but later.....WHEW!!!!
|
|
|
|
Joined: Dec 2004
Posts: 1,978
Member
|
Member
Joined: Dec 2004
Posts: 1,978 |
How was your get together w/ old gf?
aka-confused42 BS-45 me WH-42 DS-14 & DD-12 together 21 yrs, married 18.5yrs "I love you but not IN love with you" speech 6/3/04 D-Day 2/25/05; WH moved out 3/15/05 & back too soon 3/22/05...He left again 5/8/06 5/25/06 Plan B.....NC letter 6/18/06 Recovery finally began Jan 2007 We are IN love again!!!Sept 2007
|
|
|
|
Joined: Oct 2005
Posts: 739
Member
|
OP
Member
Joined: Oct 2005
Posts: 739 |
Funny you ask, C42....
Ex GF and I share, not only an old highschool 1 year relationship...but my best friend is her cousin. He died 2 years ago...
Saturday night I invited her over to my place for a cookout and small camp fire out on the back part of my property. It was AWESOME!! Talking about old times and our lives over the last 20 years. We went to my best friend's grave site about 4 miles away and shed some tears together. We came back to the fire and had a few beers and talked some more.
We did share a kiss, but it was immediately followed by us both acknowledging that: A.) We have no future together, because of each other's seperation agreements (with her living in Fl and me in NY. B.) I still have love for my wife.
She didn't completely understand B. because of what she did to me....her husband had had an A on her 2 years ago and so she couldn't understand how I still could care for her...but she agreed with A.).
Yes, I know, the kiss was playing with "Super fire", but it evolved into nothing, and actually opened the dialogue to the above.
Now onto the important stuff!!
The next morning, WW calls at 6 am!!!! (Mind you, it's a Sunday morning) She invites me over for coffee and then later (when I'm there) asks me to stay for breakfast.
We had wonderful talks, laughs and I brought my camera to take some pictures. (Her place is on a very large pond/small lake, and it's beautiful!) The sun had only been up for about an hour, so the pictures were spectacular!
She initiated some talk about us, and how to find the correct path back....and one where she doesn't risk hurting me again. I told her there is no path that doesn't require some risk taking, but there are paths that we can work along together, that reduces the risk.
She agreed to take my copy of SAA. I told her to take her time....there can be no pressure....just time and the proper tools. I left and we hugged, again, without the "patting" on the back...just a long consistant squeeze.
That evening, WW had just expected that I would hang out with old GF. And several weeks earlier, my SIL had invited me over for a cookout. WW asked a couple days earlier if I was coming....at the time I said "probably not".
Well, I went over there!! And WW looked so excited and nervous!!!! But in a good way!! When I first got there, her hair was a bit messed up and it appeared that she had minimal or no make up on.....but she still looked beautiful. Then 30 seconds after I show, she said she had to use the bathroom....and then voila....hair all fixed up, a bit of make-up, and even a touch of perfume!!
We proceeded to hang out by the small fire that my BIL had made and just talked and talked and talked...laughed and laughed.
I was there for about 4 hours. I then went home, and her and the kids stayed at her sisters.
Next day, WW calls me at 6:30am and asked if she could come over during the afternoon and go through some of DD's clothes for the summer. I told her sure, but I might not be at my house.
Well, I was there, and I made a fire out back and cooked on an open fire some NY strip steaks, and some grilled asparagus. I filled the small pool with water for the kids, had some toys out for "us" to play with (baseball and bat, frisbee, croquet, water cannons (they soak ya nowadays!))
Well, needless to say, WW was both suprised and impressed! We talked SO MUCH about us....in the most non-acusatory manner possible.
She said: "I need to prove to you and myself that my past behavior will NEVER happen again" "I am starting my IC again tomorrow."
I said nothing...but smiled!
She said: "I want us to do 'stuff' together, without any stress, just like it has been going....I'M FEELING CLOSER TO YOU!!"
And then she said: "People kept telling me that I can't compare a new and exciting affair, with an established marriage....I didn't care!!!! And now I see!!"
I'll stop here for now....there is more!! But some feedback is welcome...and I am AT WORK!!!! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />
Thanks! MWIL
|
|
|
|
Joined: Dec 2004
Posts: 1,978
Member
|
Member
Joined: Dec 2004
Posts: 1,978 |
OK, I'm at work but I waiting for more <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />....sounds like progress! I left and we hugged, again, without the "patting" on the back...just a long consistant squeeze. Isn't it funny how little gestures mean so much? Especially when they are natural and unrehearsed...its reading body language...going from crossed arms to a lingering hug, thats progress. Did you tell her you kissed old gf?
aka-confused42 BS-45 me WH-42 DS-14 & DD-12 together 21 yrs, married 18.5yrs "I love you but not IN love with you" speech 6/3/04 D-Day 2/25/05; WH moved out 3/15/05 & back too soon 3/22/05...He left again 5/8/06 5/25/06 Plan B.....NC letter 6/18/06 Recovery finally began Jan 2007 We are IN love again!!!Sept 2007
|
|
|
|
Joined: Oct 2005
Posts: 739
Member
|
OP
Member
Joined: Oct 2005
Posts: 739 |
Yes, I told WW, I want to practice what I believe in....total honesty with the one you are committed to.
Why I allowed the kiss??????? Not sure....part of the inherent dangers of interacting with others after detaching from WW, but not enough to move on yet....not to mention it there is no way ex GF and I could be together. Emotionally, I still have it for W.
WW expressed a bit of indifference when I told her that I kissed ex GF....but I also told her the rest, about the not letting anything go any further.
So more of the update:
This morning I called WW at 7 to check on her and the kids. She said her place is AWEFUL in the heat and humidity at night!!!
(Meanwhile, I had the AC set at a nice 68 degrees!!)
I suprised her with her favorite Jreck's sub at her work. She was genuinely happy to see me!! She thanked me very much, and then we went to sit outside in the shade.
With the heat and humidity, WW wore her hair back....and she looked beautiful!! She was talking some small talk about something (I wasn't listening.....BOO ME!!) <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" /> I interrupted her right in mid sentence and asked her: "Have I ever told you how pretty you are?"
She looked at me for about 8 seconds.....then a smile broke out on her face and she said "Thank-you"
We have planned a day at the beach for this week end....just her, I, and the kids.
Our dinner date is being moved to the following weekend...both of us agreed that the following week would be MUCH better!!! (Grad parties this weekend, I'm working with my Dad at his business, she is watching her sister's kids...starting at 8am on Sat.!!!
Which is fine by me....nice excuse to keep things slow....with no pressure....no hurry!!
|
|
|
|
Joined: Oct 2005
Posts: 739
Member
|
OP
Member
Joined: Oct 2005
Posts: 739 |
I offered to help WW put an A/C in a window for her....so I met her at her "house" and much to my surprise, she had bought two pizzas!! And asked me if I wanted to stay for some.
I said sure, she offered me a beer and then I installed the A/C. In an hour the house felt MUCH cooler and she was so happy!!
She thanked me many, many times....and I said: "You still are my wife and I will always treat you with respect and cherish the time I have with you." "I know you are in a confused state right now....but I know that I will honor and understand your need for time to make the right choices in your life."
A tear welled up, and then I left.
Just another tid bit of interactions with me and WW.
|
|
|
|
Joined: Dec 2004
Posts: 1,978
Member
|
Member
Joined: Dec 2004
Posts: 1,978 |
cha-ching* + cha-ching* = sounds of deposits in LOVE BANK <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/cool.gif" alt="" />
aka-confused42 BS-45 me WH-42 DS-14 & DD-12 together 21 yrs, married 18.5yrs "I love you but not IN love with you" speech 6/3/04 D-Day 2/25/05; WH moved out 3/15/05 & back too soon 3/22/05...He left again 5/8/06 5/25/06 Plan B.....NC letter 6/18/06 Recovery finally began Jan 2007 We are IN love again!!!Sept 2007
|
|
|
|
Joined: Oct 2005
Posts: 739
Member
|
OP
Member
Joined: Oct 2005
Posts: 739 |
Update:
Email exchange:
WW: "I do not deserve a second thought from you after what I have put you through. And I only say that because I am still so confused right now and I hate to see you waiting around for me to figure ****** out. And right now George my head is still spinning. I am sad and you know I miss my life. But at the same time I am just confused and afraid to make the wrong choices. I you don't have to regret haning in there with me through this and I do have that concern. You have no idea how bad I wish just knew what I was supposed to do or where I was supposed to be. I don't expect you to wait forever for me to figure myself out and I am not asking you to do that. The point is for me that I am at least trying to figure things out. If I can't do it fast enough - at least I will know I worked on it internally as best I could."
Me: "I understand."
WW: "what does that mean?"
Me: "I understand where you are right now.....confused. <<WW>>....if I had it my way, I'd ask you to start doing things with me, as much as is comfortable for you...to kinda reconnect, at the most basic level of intimacy, which is enjoyment of time together. But I'm never sure if I'm pushing you, or if I should just let you make any moves toward me. I'm stuck between letting you figure out what you want with us, or showing you that we do enjoy each other, by doing things together, and demonstrating to you that you can feel safe with me again. And that we CAN work together to make our marriage better than ever, it just takes TWO people who WANT that. But you see, for ME....I know that before any initial attempts are made.....he has to be gone....for good, and if he is not, then we certainly are wasting our time. That is priority #1. Then we can work on reconnecting, one block at a time...and tackling all the issues that led to this mess. I WANT TO DO MY PART IN THIS.....but I'm just not sure what that part is at this stage. These last 5 months have allowed me to realize that you have always been the one for me. I want no other....not now at least. I didn't realize just how hard it is to let you go completely...I can't control that. And it is so ironic, but that is what I think you are going through with him. So to be fair to US....we can't even consider any reconciliation attempts until he is no longer a part of your life....and I fear that will take a while to do. As for me...well, I would write a letter to the people I've been involved with...telling them that I can no longer talk or see them.....ever. It would just have to be that way. To overcome this, we BOTH would have to have RADICAL honesty between us....no hidden secrets to "protect" the other from possible hurt. I am not going to "push" you.....nor can I give you a blank timetable to figure this out. Just know this...at this time, at this moment, I miss you and would love nothing better than to be on the back porch with you, grilling, enjoying our children playing, and holding your hand."
This exchange is ongoing.....any comments???
|
|
|
|
Joined: May 2005
Posts: 665
Member
|
Member
Joined: May 2005
Posts: 665 |
I hate to say it, but one thing that bothers me in all of this is that WW is in control of the whole thing. You give her no incentive to change. I will defer to the Harleys on this, but it is my view that your WW will continue to cake eat as long as she can, hence her comments about being still “confused”. I read this as saying that she still wants to cake eat some more. I could be wrong.
My point is that you seem to be too available to her for my taste. But listen to the Harleys!
|
|
|
|
Joined: Oct 2005
Posts: 739
Member
|
OP
Member
Joined: Oct 2005
Posts: 739 |
UVA,
You are thinking just as I am....the problem is, is that I have drawn her closer to me from just 4 months ago, and have put enormous pressure on the affair. I can see her genuinely missing me and the family. I have done what I consider a superb Plan A for the last few months. I believe that now, I'm at a point where a Plan B would be most effective....and it may be soon! In a very slow but methodical way, I don't miss her as much, I look more forward to doing other things...so my love for her is slowly eroding. I don't want it all gone, and of course, I have needs that are not being met. Here's her latest reply:
WW: "George, all I can tell you is that I AM pushing him away for the sake of clearing my head. I am having a hard time with that because I have grown to care about him. If I knew how to say good bye forever I would have done it months ago and saved us both all this heartache. I am not saying that is a long-lasting 11 year feeling like I have for you. What I have prayed for since day one is that I would just wake up and "snap" out of it - or into it as the case may be. I want to WANT for us to be able to reconnect. I want to WANT to just die for you and the kids and our family. I want that for me, you and the kids. I can't let you go completely, either. I am so completely messed up its not even funny. I want to be fair to you. Honestly. And right this minute, thats all I can offer."
|
|
|
|
Joined: May 2005
Posts: 665
Member
|
Member
Joined: May 2005
Posts: 665 |
She just said that she is not ready to give up OM yet. And she hopes that you stick around for as long as it takes for her to choose between you and him. This seems like a classical example of cake eating to me.
You’ve done a great Plan A, and I don’t think you should go on Plan B soon, since I see that your Plan has had a lot of positive effects on your WW. What I am thinking though, is that you slow down on your romantic polemics every time you talk relationships with WW. Statements like “we CAN work together to make our marriage better than ever, it just takes TWO people who WANT that” struck me a being too needy.
My advice is to keep doing Plan A with a nice dose of 180, which you seem to have forgotten recently, and not expecting much from WW. I know it is easier said than done, but oh well.
Last edited by UVA; 06/02/06 01:59 PM.
|
|
|
|
Joined: Oct 2005
Posts: 739
Member
|
OP
Member
Joined: Oct 2005
Posts: 739 |
Your advice is dead on!!! Time for a few 180's, and they take, really, no effort at all!!
Thanks UVA for giving some great perspective, and reminding me of some tools that I have in my bag!!!
Last exchange:
Me: "I hope for your sake that clarity in your life comes soon. Talk to you later."
WW: "ME TOO!"
|
|
|
|
Joined: May 2005
Posts: 665
Member
|
Member
Joined: May 2005
Posts: 665 |
MWIL,
If you will be around in the next few minutes, I will post a technique you may want to use on your WW that will drive her absolutely crazy. But because the technique is so powerful and therefore so dangerous, I will only leave in online for, say, 5 minutes. Copy it and use if you like.
I am not sure about what the ethical perspective on it should be, since it is so powerful, but I will let you figure that out. Let me know if you will be on MB in the next ten minutes.
Last edited by UVA; 06/02/06 02:21 PM.
|
|
|
|
Joined: Oct 2005
Posts: 739
Member
|
OP
Member
Joined: Oct 2005
Posts: 739 |
|
|
|
|
Joined: May 2005
Posts: 665
Member
|
Member
Joined: May 2005
Posts: 665 |
|
|
|
|
Joined: Oct 2005
Posts: 739
Member
|
OP
Member
Joined: Oct 2005
Posts: 739 |
|
|
|
|
Joined: May 2005
Posts: 665
Member
|
Member
Joined: May 2005
Posts: 665 |
What do you think? Prelimary reaction?
|
|
|
|
Joined: Oct 2005
Posts: 739
Member
|
OP
Member
Joined: Oct 2005
Posts: 739 |
Very interesting!! Need to read it a few more times.
Thanks....I'll let you know!
|
|
|
|
Joined: Jul 2005
Posts: 1,401
Member
|
Member
Joined: Jul 2005
Posts: 1,401 |
UVA that is brilliant and I think it's a great idea that will have its effect on MWIL's WW. She is defenitely cake eating and doing some 180's should help pull her off the fence.
I do think MWIL should start preparing for plan B soon. Your Plan A has been superb and if the 180's dont't work I'm certain Plan B will pull her off the fence.
Great ideas UVA since I see MWIL's WW fit that description.
What effect do you think doing Plan B right now might have on your WW?
Married 10 years, Legally Seperated Aug 2,2006 1 year of Plan A followed by 1 year of Plan B... ...now stepping towards recovery????? BH 37(me), WW 35, DB 7 & DD 5 My Story My struggle with an EA
|
|
|
|
Joined: Oct 2005
Posts: 739
Member
|
OP
Member
Joined: Oct 2005
Posts: 739 |
It would make her wonder, and probably insite some anger...maybe go back into the fog for a bit, but she would definitely think that I'm at my wit's end. I will try some of the suggestions that UVA laid out. I'll give it a few weeks then Plan B if I see no improvement.
Hope, I've gotta say, I think the world of you, and if you can get away, life turns good!!! Just get away from the crappola!!! You become in control of you!!! And it's so great after months of shyet!!!
Thanks for all the expert advice....and Hope...unfortunately we all become experts after going through this H ell!!!
|
|
|
Moderated by Ariel, BerlinMB, Denali, Fordude, IrishGreen, MBeliever, MBsurvivor, MBSync, McLovin, Mizar, PhoenixMB, Toujours
3 members (mgellan, 2 invisible),
356
guests, and
115
robots. |
Key:
Admin,
Global Mod,
Mod
|
|
Forums67
Topics133,620
Posts2,323,476
Members71,931
|
Most Online3,185 Jan 27th, 2020
|
|
|
|