Will do!!! I know what needs to be done!!! And I'm strong enough to carry through!! Thanks for the advice....from someone who needs a bit of guidance at this point.....I trust you (SMOMW) and MB pricipals.....

Just a "technical" point. We were in recovery for 6 months before I saw full remorse. You are unlikely to get full remorse immediately.

Cha Cha wrote:



Here-here!

MWIL, I have to admit I'm a little disapointed in this latest turn of events. I was soooo hoping you and your W would beat the odds and prove the doubters wrong. Call me an idealist.

But, perhaps more importantly, I continue to be impressed with your strength... and your ability to tap into that inner peace.

Sending positive thoughts your way,
--SC

Thank-you all for the kind words and the support. I believe whole heartedly in the MB principals.....it is part of how I became stronger...from a self-valuing standpoint. THIS NEVER WAS ABOUT ME!! But within that view....we all know nobody is perfect.....including ourselves.....but marriage is never supposed to be about "the perfect spouse", it is about growing together "through good times and in bad"......this is about how WW chose to turn from the marriage....blind to the consequences...blind to the change in perception of me that was taking place.

I just found out that one of my best friends, has just succombed to infidelity....and his wife was my good friend also....two sons 4 and 7......and "Everyone was shocked".......unfortunately, except me......

It is unbelievable how the "Evil" known as temptation is so easily embraced....like a moth to a flame......it is a tool of the devil.......

I grieve for my good friend....he has helped me a lot...and now I must return the favor......he will be introduced to this site.....he will heal......time/patience....friends....STILLNESS...they will all help him heal. I will let you know when he is to post....he is devastated.....I'm am in shock.

Maybe God is loosing the battle...of good versus evil...I am part of God and He is of me....and it is time for us all to embrace Him like never before.....this seems unreal to me.

MWIL,
I sorry to hear about your friend but ya know...there is a reason for everything. Maybe w/ what you have learned you can influence and help him through this.

I know the situation w/ your WW has been disappointing. She was testing the waters and she got in up to her waist and decided not to get her head wet. I believe w/ a strong plan B she will decide the water looks just fine and plunge into the deep end. (Can you tell I've been taking care of our pool?)

I think you are in a perfect plan B position. Rewrite your letter to update w/ some of your more recent activities but then let her know although you love her and want to be with her you cannot share her w/ OM. Figure out arrangements w/ kid pick up and drop off. Include that as well. Since they are young using a place like grandmom's might work best. Thats where I ran into most of my plan B problems.

Just sent this to WW.........probably not perfect by any means.......but it set the Plan B boundaries.


WW.....I NEED SPACE FROM YOU!!!

I know you are sorry.....but not enough to give up <OM> COMPLETELY.
I know you miss our family....but not enough to give up <OM> COMPLETELY.
I know you don't want to hurt me anymore...but unintentionally you are by not letting him go, while "trying" with me.

I though I could deal with "your" path......but I cannot tolerate getting closer to you with him still "out there".

I dream of a fantastic life with you Jennifer....but we cannot work on ANY of OUR problems.....until/when he is gone from your life forever. He is the #1 problem right now. I won't be part of this triangle any longer. Again I ask for no contact with you, whatsoever unless it concerns emergencies with the children.

If and when you feel he is gone for good....WE will write a letter to him....stating WE no longer welcome him in our lives. WE will go to marriage counciling. WE will start going to church together.

I already made other arrangements for the kids on Sat.

Defenitely not a typical Plan B letter however it gets the message across. You've been more than loving during your Plan A and this shows you are strong and have boundaries.

You've stated your boundaries well and now just need to stick by them which means staying dark until she is ready for NC.

This should help knock her off the fence.

HTW

Bump for more thoughts......I'm quite down now....I know it has to be this way for me to fully recover myself....I've made enough progress within myself to be as strong as possible....but it still sucks....I guess I somewhat enjoyed the crumbs........

Of course you enjoyed the crumbs. You are human.

MWIL is human!!!??? Alert the media!!!

Actually, I'm relieved to hear it.

MWIL,
I thought your letter was awsome. Let youself feel the pain and disappointment for a bit... then do what you know you have to do. If anyone can pull this off, you can.

--SC

MWIL...KNOCK IT OFF!

Be strong...you must understand and be prepared for life without her. You gave her your best, she saw the best of you! If that is not what she wants then by all means there will be someone else , besides you, that appreciates it!! She is counting on you being weak....DARKNESS!!!!!!!!!!

Mywife,

Going into Plan B means you will experience withdrawal from your WW and that feeling sucks, especially since you were drawing her back and had glimpses of your old W.

I think it is important that you hold your boundaries and stay dark right now. It will show your WW that you are committed to her without OM in the picture.

We are here for you.

HTW

Hey buddy,

Don’t go dark on us. You are on the right path. As Hope said, you will have to withdraw from WW yourself, which is just part of the process. It will be hard, but you will survive it and come out ok.

You are an inspiration to many on this board. We are all pulling for you and let me know, personally if needed, if I can help you with anything.

God Bless.

BTW, I remember SH telling me that the BS would feel a huge LB$ withdrawal if the WS was meeting the BS's most important EN's while still in contact with OP.

This is probably why it hurts you so much now...not that it helps, but just an explanation.

That is why Plan B is important.

Let OM self destruct with your WW now...it is inevitable!

HTW

MWIL,
HTW is right you are withdrawling from WW. SH said the same thing to me about the hope of NC dangling there...its the follow through where the points are earned...and if its not followed thru BIG let down.

Your letter...says EXACTLY what you are feeling...no mixed message.

I gotta chuckle a little when I think about OM trying to fill your place now the your WW has experienced your plan A.

#1-WW has a long hard day at work, comes home exhausted and frustrated....remembers when...I had that back rub and I told George all about my day, he listened to me, we laughed and watched the kids play.
She goes to see OM...."Quit your moanin' and git me a beer woman! And shut them kids up I can't hardly hear the announcer for the WWF Smackdown! WHERE is MY food!?"

#2 WW walks outside and realizes the grass needs to be cut...remembers when you cut the grass for her before it got
too hot. She says to OM "We need to do something about this grass." He replies "He// baby, if I can't smoke it there is not one thing I can do about it."

Oh yeah, I'd love to be a fly on her wall. Hang in there MWIL, better days are ahead! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/cool.gif" alt="" /> STAY DARK!!

Thank-you all so much!!! This day has "tried" to be a downer, but I just took a long walk, beautiful day out!! I looked at the trees here on campus....gorgeous!! I saw a bunch of kids playing and having fun!! It made me smile!

I know the "fog".....I believe in it....have seen it first hand....basically a change in perception of what her morals are.

I am a good man. I am a wonderful father. And that is a fact that gives me my own strength....along with faith in God.

Thank-you all again....I will keep posting!!

STAY DARK!!! Got it!!
MWIL

Man you really are great. You are an inspiration to me for sure. Be proud of yourself.

WW called as I was getting home from work (she got a new cell #??) and I didn't know based on the caller ID that it was her. She asked if she could stop by and pick up kids bathing suits....they were going to a nearby beach at MIL's cottage. I said "Yes, I'll put them on my front porch". I needed to cut the grass, WW was to show up in about 10 minutes from the time of her call.

She pulls in and I was just getting the gas in the lawn mower. I just acted busy, she came into the garage, paused looked at me,....then walked away with a smirk on her face, and left.

Even in the fog, how does a WW not see or understand that OM still in picture while "trying" is not acceptable to a BS???? And turn it into anger toward me??? Is it the boundaries I laid???

Obviously, when a BS makes the decision to goto Plan B, there are always some voices within asking, "Did I just blow it??" "Did I make the right decision?"

But as opposed to last time when I Plan B'd (which was 3.5 weeks long and was poorly executed back in Jan.) I am stronger, and know those voices with in me are talking because going into Plan B: A.) is painful at first. B.) No immediate results for the BS in their own recovery. C.) IF...Plan B does in fact work to draw a WW out of the fog.....it takes a long time.

I'd say that on a scale of 1-10, painwise....I was a 9.8 in the months afer D-Day, 9.0 when WW moved out, 6.0 after a 3 months of WW out of the house, 3.0 when first Recovery attempt failed, and now back up to about a 6.5.

I would like some opinions on something: When exchanging kids, (and I know somewhere I was instructed on this board before) How should I interact when there is visual and audible contact with WW in Plan B??? Ignore her completely?? Don't look at her? Be happy around kids? Say very little to kids? Smile? Stoic? Be slightly "PO'd?

I should only have to deal with this kind of interaction once every week or two. (Other exchanges are at Daycare.)

Thanks,
MWIL

There should be NO interaction. but if it can't be avoided...let her wonder what your up to. Be pleasant to the kids...ignore her.

MWIL, I will be in the same situation soon so I'm curious to hear what suggestions you receive on this matter.

I don't think there is anything wrong with being completely silent to your WW during the exchange of kids. Go ahead an talk to the kids and be normal around them but you owe your WW NOTHING while in Plan B. You don't even have to look at her or acknowldege her as far as I am concerned.

She knows why you have gone dark and she also knows what YOU need to resume contact with her...NC and a committment to your M.

I wouldn't be rude to her or mean to her...just strong, silent and determined. Let her struggle with this now...it's her turn. You've done your work with an outstanding Plan A now let her think about what she really wants. She can no longer have her cake and eat it too.

This will piss her off of course, but that is what can help get through the fogginess. As Send me suggested, this will be her crisis now for she wants her family while holding on to her fantasy. You've clearly stated your boundaries and that will force her to make a choice which will cause much conflict and frustration inside of her. This will manifest itself as anger towards you, however the neat part of Plan B is that you remove yourself from her anger. She will have to find someone else to release her anger on and most likely it will be OM.

I really believe your stellar Plan A helped draw your WW back to you and she will BREAK if you are able to impliment a very dark Plan B. Her R with OM has no hope since it is founded on lies and deceipt and shrouded in a fantasy. The fog will only fully clear when reality hits her like a car crash. At that point you will be ready to pick her up...if you desire.

My WW recently told me to be "honest" and called me "pathetic" for not disclosing my 2006 bonus to her which I received AFTER the seperation date that SHE set. I told her in no uncertain terms that these are the CONSEQUENCES of her CHOICES and that before she starts throwing derogatory comments around that SHE should look in the herself in the mirror. She was speechless because she was not used to me standing up for myself and she also knew I was RIGHT!

You've made your STAND and now she will try to test you like she did during your first Plan B. Stand your ground my friend.

HTW