Today I went met my FWW for lunch...her idea! Just a minor negative tick down today....the first in over a month:

My sister and mother are happy we are reconciling, but say "don't push us onto her yet"..."it's still too hard"...and my FWW today said that she still finds it difficult to try with my sister (they were best of friends before the A) because "she turned her back on me IMMEDIATELY, when I was there for her during her marital problems when NOBODY else was".....which is true) She knows that my sis had a choice to made, but FWW feels that my sis turned on her.....I told FWW (which I probably shouldn't have) that I told my sis and mom (back in Dec.) some of the things that FWW had said on the tape recorder about my whole family. (FWW said some aweful things when she was fogged out and speaking with her friends) FWW was IMMEDIATELY in a semi vegataive state....no emotion no speech....and I saw that "old" look again of a woman in conflict with herself.....justification VS. remorse. Of course my mother and sis don't buy into the fog aspect....so they have built quite a wall....as has my FWW.

I guess I should just LET THAT GO!! Concentrate on my kids, me, and FWW. Such an awkward position!!!!

In this aspect I feel FWW is still a bit fogged.

Thoughts??? Otherwise, FWW and I just talked on the phone, and things were fine....but definitely notice just a bit of tension.

This is something Sendme mentioned at an earlier time. The collateral damage from her A will permanently affect many relationships within the family and this is probably something you and your FWW will have to deal with.

Yeah....deal with....to a certain extent, it seems as though I am to choose between MY family and my sister and mother.....Should I just stay out of it???? Do I allow the resentment from all parties to carry out on its own???

Our first roadblock in recovery.....more like a speed bump for US, but of all the collateral damage done from the A, this is the largest hurdle....

It is your decision to reconcile with your FWW and unfortunatly some family memeber just don't get it. As far as I'm am concerned my first priorty is my family, which includes my kids and used to include my WW.

I know if I reconcile with my WW I will run into the same issues with members of my family. Do what is right for your FWW and kids since they need you.

It may take a long time to bring the walls downs between your FWW and your sister/mother.

I think you nailed it Hope......Unfortunately, the wall between them knocks US off our path a bit....FWW has so much resentment toward them.....and they have not spoken since D-day.....almost as though my FWW is in a Fog all on it's own wrt my sis and mom.

Sis and mom heard a lot about things said by FWW during the A. And all that info came from me...during my darkest days...so much pain, it was easier to find examples of things to hate her....it covered the pain.

And now, I do feel if I was stronger, and not disclosed some of the spiteful things that the old WW said about sis and mom, to sis and mom, that things would be different between all of them. They all (Sis, Mom, and FWW) are to some degree, showing anger and resentment to one another....never directly...but through me! I just have to not talk about it anymore with ANY of them!!!!!

I'm a bit down right now.....no not about our recovery...but about the outside challenges that lie not only before me....but before my FWW, Sis, and Mom.

I see some of the anger in my FWW's eyes....and for a few moments, I see that projected through me. I see her internal struggle, her anger redirected at others now....a bit through me, but mostly through Mom and Sis.

It only takes a few moments and we enter the intimacy stage again. I look forward to some recovered M's that may have had to recover other relationships outside the recovered M.

Thanks,
MWIL

hey you knew the affair would affect many.
now you got to be stronger then you were before that brought your wife back
thats a good thing
without your wife you wouldnt have this problem so be thankful you were strong enough to put one of the links back on the chain
now you have to keep your marriage going to that better place and work at getting your whole family back
your my inspiration so i know you can do it
my opion start with mom alone talk to her and tell her how important this is itll all work out the hard part you already achieved

MWIL,

Ok, what to do? Right?

Some thoughts. Does your W know about the concept of the "fog" and how people rewrite history, focus on the negative, justify anyway they can so that they can deal with what they know IS WRONG? Does your W understand that your Mother and sis, love you and will protect you if they can?

Does she understand that they were YOUR outlet to handling all of this?

My point is actually several points. For one thing if your W loves you and the kids wouldn't she protect you if she felt you under attack in some fashion? Wouldn't she think negatively of the person/people attacking you?

Ask her these things, and then point out that your Mom and Sis will very likely come around as you two come together and build a better marriage. It is the job of BOTH of you to turn them around and you do this with actions, apologies, and requests for time to SHOW THEM that you and your W are a team and will protect and love one another.

Consider having your W and you talk to your Mom and Sis, and consider the idea of YOU apologizing to them for laying so much on them, and then thanking them for their support. Your W does not need to go so far but if she apologizes to them for hurting them, and you, it will be a start.

Just remember to consider you and your W a team. Her problems are YOUR problems and if you will stand with her this I think you can rebuild a good relationship between them and your W. Do you see the point. You needed your Mom and Sis badly and they were your buffer. Your W needs them now, and you must be the buffer.

Please think about this.

God Bless,

JL

JL, JM.....

THANK-YOU!!! Both those responses make a whole bunch of sense....as a matter of fact, I called FWW and used a combo of both advices.....after first searching my soul and making sure I felt what I was saying.....and it certainly is what I was looking for. FWW was very receptive of this, and said, "We will make it through anything from here on out" "Putting on our rings, symbolizes more than ever my commitment to you" Then she started crying, when I said: "I give of me what God will allow me to...to you, for you." "I'm with you unconditionally, to grow with you on all levels of our precious lives."

Thanks guys!! Great advice.....I knew deep down....but just needed others and God to guide me to the words!

MWIL

anytime and thanks for helping me out as much as you do any family advice you need i can prob help just yell

JL, did anyone ever tell you that you have a knack for this MB stuff? <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

MWIL, you handled it well and as long as you practice POJA and radical honesty with you FWW, I think you will be fine. Just curious, did you have this level of intimacy prior to the A?

BTW, thanks for stopping by my thread with the encouraging words for my Plan B. YOu know how I feel at this time.

Keep up the great work my friend!

G....

This can and will also happen with friends....my family went in opposite directions...my father, who I leaned upon heavily in my darkest days encouraged me "that there is absolutely nothing wrong with loving and wanting to be with the mother of your children". My mother however was upset and not so nice. Both reactions were anticipated on our part...

Look....we had been a very nasty public divorce. The effect on me was evident just by looking at me....I had lost way too much weight...people who we thought were friends were not. Family was family...they had not changed we had....it was, as she said to me "you and I against the world"...and we really looked at it this way...

good luck bud..minor set back..really, it is just minor

Hey man..first of all, you've done great! If this ever happened to me, I could only hope that I could handle it half as well as you seem to have done..

Anyway, on to your FWW...she gets to own her part in all this. She's finding out that her A didn't just hurt you and the kids; there was a lot of collateral damage to the families and friends. A part of this will be her facing the consequences of her actions and earning her way back into everyone's good graces.

Now I'm not an FWS, but I can imagine it's hard enough to come back and look into the eyes of the person you betrayed...but to know that all your friends and family know the truth of what you did would seem overwhelming.

Just as a thought, would she be open to posting here? We have some great FWW's here who would have some good insights. I know there was a time where we didn't want her knowing about this site because it might give away your battle plan, but if she is ready to be supported then this might be the place for her. Just a thought.

FWW stayed with me and the kids last night......a wonderful night....without SF....which made it all the more incredible for her and me!!

She woke up this morning and told me that even though she's not moved in yet, that we spend every night together for the rest of our lives!!!!

Nothing but boatloads of deposits on both our parts into our respective love banks!!!

We are at a stage in our relationship that we've NEVER experienced before!!! So in tune.....so into communicating...."My wife I love".

As for her posting here.....I'm not going to mention it....it's as if someone has installed a MB disc into her brain!!! She know's nothing about MB....but is executing the principals flawlessly!!!! I was her lighthouse. I am her hero. I was STILL. I essentially Plan A'd her back. I WAS and AM the better man,.....for ME!!!

What is the difference between recovery and recovered???? I don't know....for the way her and I are communicating and POJA'ing.....I wouldn't know when to define the deliniation.

I won't be updating as much....for I'd like to turn my energies toward other members of this board.....I WILL NEVER FORGET the support I have been given from here. I can't thank those enough here......mayber only to assist others traveling this road so close to Hel!. And what my M means to me, and to have it recovered.....still I'll feel indebted!!

I started out this saga in "Thread #1" with "I love you all"...........I'll end it with....."I love you all"

MWIL

MWIL

This is still a rollercoaster. On the good days, enjoy them. On the bad days look forward to the good days and keep on MB'ing. Over time there will be a whole lot nmore good days than bad ones.

All blessings.

Well, today FWW told me (while crying) that OM called and left a message on her machine...calling her every name in the book, and including that he would "kick my a$$" if he ever saw me!! (Poor guy....doesn't know I bench over 300 lbs. and am stronger than ever! But I digress!)

She told me she wants to call the cops on him. She said she thought she knew him, but now..she is so embarrassed that she "wasted nearly a year's worth of time on him, and almost lost her family...AND ME!!! She told me she doesn't want to be away from me when she's alone.

I'm about at my wits end with this guy....but God still tells me "don't treat hatred with more hatred" And my FWW told me to "not stoop to his abysmal level" And then started crying and apologizing, once again, to me.

MWIL

If calls or other attempted contact continues then you may need to file a restraining order. Document the date and time of the most recent call and the exact threats made. If you are going to send him another no contact letter be sure to document the threat therein.

If future calls or letters arrive note the locations they were sent from. If a job. Then they should be made aware that OM is using company time to harass you and that as his employer you'd politely request that they see to it that he stop harassing you from work. Make sure they get a copy of any restraining order.

Speak to your attorney about the options. It may be best to let it slide for now....but, if and when you do respond to persistent attempts at contact...respond BIG. Restraing Order, Criminal Charges, letters all over the place, etc. Then you go silent again and hope he finally leaves you alone out of respect for your family and himself. You want him in fear of what you might do next if he disobeys.

Contact is contact...so it's a step back for FWW but, although "closure" is a stupid unnecessarily concept, I think your wife's "feelings" for OM have had some light shed upon them. This is kind of the fun part where you FINALLY get to bash OM WITH your wife and bond together. Consider plans to twart any attempt at contact OM may have. What will she do if ________?

Patience...persistence...2006 should still be "the summer of love"...the nitty-gritty recovery can wait till the fall at least 30 days after this last contact.

Good Luck,
Mr. Wondering

Mr. W....


There really isn't any setback!!! She can't stand they guy and what he represents!! She is looking to me for a certain degree of protection. She already used "my recorder" that I used back 9 months ago (how ironic) to tape the message off the aswering machine!!

She (herself) called the cops to get advice!!! She is back to me....there is/was no setback!! We made love most of the night last night, and it was just perfect!!

She is going to be shutting off her phone at "our camp" (how she refers now to her place <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />) and just use the cell there, which FOM doesn't have that #. "WE" called an aquaintance of OM and exposed his behavior to him.....the aquaintance is disgusted....and said that he wishes us the best.

Soon FOM will have no outlet to FWW. And that is when my guard will be up the most. I asked her to please not be in public alone....AT ALL...for awhile. This man has no job and sits on his a$$ home all day....blaming anyone and everyone on his problems in life.....a little spooky!!

FWW said if he calls again, we will get an RO. She started crying again and asked how did she allow this threat to happen to our family. I said nothing and just held her.
MWIL

G,

I know it doesn't seem like a setback. I really wouldn't describe it that way intentional at all. It happens many time and hopefully that will be the last time. I tried to even point out it had some benefits...a demonstration of how crazy and idiotic he is.

However, recovery is strange. A little over a month of NC Mrs. W began really processing some stuff. The progress at 1 month, 2 months, 4 months, 6 months....12 months is remarkable. But not much individually happens until the WS is in NC for at least a month. It may seem like progress but several months from now...you'll look back and know what I mean.

Your WW has made some huge strides. Enjoy them. But eventually you may have a choice of burying this under the rug or gently and lovingly pressing her to do some tough individual assesments. Give her some time...but YOU are going to have to be the leader in that as well and she may resist. Skip the MB "recovery" process at your own peril.

Mr. Wondering

NOT A CHANCE!! Although, in any given situation, certain pricipal's may need to be more accentuated than others. And I absoluely understand that there are many more emotional hurdles to go through, for my FWW and ME!! But what I find consistent within all this, is that MY personal strength seems to always ensure a positive impetus on our recovery.

At this point, there has been NO JUSTIFICATION....at all from her about the A.......she is owning it...more than I'd ever imagined!!

Our 3 steps forward 2 back.....has not happened in over 2 months. More like 100 steps forward and a couple back...but then more forward!

But I am under no false pretenses that this still won't be a challange for us for quite sometime.

But for right now......all is as well, if not better, than is to be expected. Thanks, Mr. W
MWIL

AWESOME!! However, I worry that a setback, a major one, could crush you because of the progress. Keep your eye on the ball (I know you are!!)....and enjoy this....