MWIL,

I agree with Send Me On My Way. I would make no apologies for these feelings. They are more than justified regardless of her three months of effort at restoring what in truth can never be restored.

I fully understand that her reaction is a reflection of her own anger at herself.....and that she will NEVER have that "squeaky" clean image she once had.

These past 3 months HAVE been awesome!!! And maybe I was allowing her to feel that my trust in her was rebuilding quickly....even I thought so....and her ACTIONS have deserved it. But the ugly resentment (and maybe a bit of insecurity) crept back in and whipped up this feeling of mine!! What makes ME mad at myself, was that I didn't recognize that damn number!!! But that said, her reaction, to me, is more indicitive of "bumping a broken led" a week after the healing began. Opening the wound again so to speak, when a LOT of healing (talking, understanding) was done back in July and August.

Still lot to learn through this process, but the motto still stands....BE STILL!!

Believe it or not, me questioning her about this, as hard as it maybe seen at this point, is part of our healing....I've just bumped my trust in her up a notch. I'm pround of who I have become! That also means I realize that I DO MAKE MISTAKES!!!
MWIL

MWIL - you didn't make a mistake in this case and were well within your rights to ask her. The onus is on her to prove she is trustworthy. You will never have blind trust again. Nor should you.

MWIL-

Here's something to remember.

You've LEARNED a lot about yourself, your wife, and your marriage through all of this.

You've learned:

-that your marriage isn't "magical", it's not any different than other marriages...there's nothing that says that your marriage can't end just as anyone else's could

-you've learned that your wife CAN AND WILL do things to hurt you if she feels that she 'deserves' to

-you've learned that you can't just "assume" everything is going to be ok. You know now that you have to WORK for it.

-you know now that blind trust OF ANYONE is foolish. You can't just blindly trust her again...that "childlike innocence" is gone...and even if you divorced her and remarried someone else, you wouldn't trust THAT person like you first trusted your wife.

I had the same conversation with my wife, at about the same point in recovery that you are.

I want to ask you...are you still in MC? If not...why not???

There are TONS of things you both have to deal with as a result of the affair. Anger, resentment, distrust...communication, conflict management, 'marital maintenance'.

My wife and I continued MC for a year after we truly began recovery. And I sometimes wonder if we didn't end too soon even at that.

You BOTH need to realize that you'll never have the same marriage you had. This one can be better...because it's not built on the fantasy of "that could never happen to us". You know now that it CAN happen to you...but now you know what you need to do to keep it from happening again too. And...you know now that you can't ignore those little 'warning flags'...even if they are false alarms at times.

Don't let this thing get to you...THIS IS STILL PART OF RECOVERY.

YOU ARE NOT RECOVERED...YOU ARE STILL RECOVERING!!!

Keep that in mind...tell your wife that it normally takes a couple two years to recover in the best of situations, so you two are waaaaayyyy ahead of the power curve. But...you're still recovering and that's going to take time and work on both parts.

Thanks folks. Owl, yes we are still going to MC. FWW and I openly discuss how opened our eyes are to the work involved in not only recovering...but marriages in general.
We have both agreed that MC should go for at least 1 year.

Last night was a good night....FWW had an all around bad day with work issues and my son was "pretty naughty" at preschool and daycare, along with our conversation during the day.

But, after LISTENING to her about her work situation, and discussion the disciplining of our 4 yr. old son, SHE came out and apologized to me for her reaction earlier in the day. She told me that it still is raw and painful, but that she knows that she needs to do everything and anything possible to help me through this, and that she knows that it will take a long time, but that she is happy. She also told me OM crosses her mind very little nowadays, and that that feels so GOOD, because "all he represents in my life now is pain". At that point I recipricated the apology, not for actually inquiring about the phone number, but in general that WE have to go through this.

Later in the evening, we folded some of the kids laundry, I offered her a foot massage, and she accepted. We joked a bit about the day...and I mentioned that I was tired and was going to bed. She said she was really comfortable on the couch, and was involved in a show.

I went to bed, and 10 minutes later, she comes in and said: "I don't want to be out there. I want to be snuggly with my honey." We fell asleep in each others arms.

Yep, rollercoaster indeed....I guess our first 3 months was just a smooth part of the rollercoaster....maybe the ride to the top!!!
Thanks again to all!
MWIL

Hey MWIL, sounds like you guys got through that wrinkle well, nearly textbook in fact. Good on both of you.

Of course you had every right to ask her about that number, and it seems to me that you expressed your concerns in a very civil manner. Furthermore, it is perfectly normal for her to feel uncomfortable about that, and for the most part, she expressed her feelings reasonably well (except maybe for the part about moving back in too soon). I know my A still makes me feel sick to my stomach and we're just about two years past NC. I can't imagine an A ever giving anyone a comfy cozy feeling!

The good news is that it doesn't look like either of you LB'ed - no AOs or anything like that - and you cleared the air later on and got snuggly. Can't ask for much more than that, can we? <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Thanks GBH!!! No, in fact, I really can't ask more from her, it's been WONDERFUL!! You know, for so long I wanted things to be where they are now...and I am glad...but sometimes I get the feeling that she is totally over it (and of course I know she is not...she tells me many times how everyday she now has to look into the mirror differently at herself)....and things are back to normal....kinda pisses me off a bit....BUT IT IS WHAT I WANTED!!! AND I'M getting more from our M than ever!! So, as SMOMW has mentioned before, the resentment monster deep within us all, must be contained. But I do have my family back, and am very proud of that. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Everything still going good?

JS,
Everything is going great!!!! This journey is one that is taking my wife and I to new levels of intimacy. I know recovery is regarded as difficult to many....but I can't say the same here. My wife has shown to me in so many ways THROUGH ACTIONS that she has recommitted to the marriage, and is committed to making it better than ever!!! (And she has a husband that feels the same!!)

Our councilor has convinced her (I already knew through Dr. H.) that this could and does happen to many, many good marriages, and in today's society (with all the technological advances that make male/female interactions more frequent than in years past) it is imperative to take the approach that "all marriages" are constantly under attack, at all times!!!! And to do "our" best to safeguard against these attacks.

We have grown leaps and bounds in every aspect of our M. Spiritually, emotionally, sexually, romantically, affectionately....and it has been sustained, for the most part, for the better part of 5 months. She has healed many of the relationships with my family and friends....and that has taken a tremendous burden off from her shoulders, but required a tremendous amount of courage from her....something that I had NEVER seen before!!! It showed me through those actions that her intentions for our relationship were strong and sincere.

SHE FELT THE CONSEQUENCES!!!! I believe it was those consequences and her subsequent dealings with them that have made her a stronger person.

As for me, I have not wavered one bit from my new found strength within myself. It only grows stronger as I feel pround to have carried this marriage on my back during those very rough times....and restored it to a point of endless promise.

MWIL

G, that is great news considering this time last year you were treated at the same level as the family cat.

I'm really happy for you and am glad your FWW is doing the things necessary to make your M a success.

If you get a chance have a look at my thread as I may have had a breakthrough with my WW.

Thanks my friend!

HTW

By George I think they've got it.

Has your wife read your thread on MB???

I want her to know the cologne idea back in about February/March was mine..."Seduce my wife" <snicker>

Mr. Wondering

Just stopping by to say that my wife and I are a success story! We are growing everyday. I still read, and post here and there, but I'm always busy with my wife and family.

We talk about it now, without discomfort.....both agreeing to learn....both agreeing that we only control our own actions.

Her moral compass has been reset. Every aspect of our lives is so rewarding now....nothing goes by without us taking notice. We are fortunate, and wanted to again drop by, to let those here know that there are MANY success stories due to Dr. Harley's pricipals. Just alot of us "successful ones" are practicing what the good Dr. says.....at LEAST 15 hrs. of undivided attention. Doesn't leave much time for posting, especially after discovering all the joys of helping around the house, all the time!!!!! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Take care all! Listen to the vets here....they are such a gift.....you don't even know!!!

God bless.
George

Good to here from you G and always good to hear success stories around here.

Hey has OM made any attempts to contact you FWW as I know he is a real scumbag.

He did for the first couple months....but my FWW was disgusted with him and told him such. He left a drunken message on our answering machine, and my FWW recorded it...ironically with the same recorder I used to find out so many aweful things. WE then called him to tell him do not contact her anymore or the police will be called....that was back in early Aug. of 2006....haven't heard a peep out of him!

Hope, throw us an update.....I'm assuming status quo.

God bless.
MWIL

Have you told FWW about MB yet????

When do we get to meet her????

She may not be happy about so much of her/your lives being broadcast to the world for a day of two but it is a big part of who you are today and how you BOTH overcame this period of your lives. IMO, it is an intimate part of you that you must eventually share with her...the good, the bad and the ugly parts.

No time like today....you expect openness for her, show her the same consideration

Mr. Wondering

p.s.- this post is based upon experience as I waited to long to disclose some of the secret things I did during my Plan A that I should have disclosed earlier.

MWIL,
Its nice to see you pop in! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />
I'm glad you guys are doing so well. You have both worked to earn it....ENJOY!
My H & I are headed down the recovery road as well...still a little bumpy....no where near the hellish rollercoaster! We have yet to have the open discussions about the A and OW.It will come in time I'm sure.

PS
I'd love to "meet" your W as well. She must be a strong, smart woman.

Hello MrW.
First, thank you and MrsW for all you have done for me. I was lost and you helped greatly.

What do you mean by the above statement? I'm just wondering (LOL). I have told my FWW that I post here and help people as much as I can. She said that it was fine with her and glad I could help. She doesn't care to read my stuff, just wants to work on our M.

MYIL, You were the second person to respond to me and I want to thank you for your help and also your thread was a great help.

Thanks guys,

My DW and I, along with the kids are moving....not too far, but closer to our places of work. Kinda starting fresh! Kids are excited, as well as my wife.

Things have been fantastic! Not a day goes by that I'm not appreciative of every aspect of life (including this board and the people on here....helping, hurting, building). If I could make a day 25 hours long....I'd dedicate the other 1 hour to providing insight that I gain from this very board.

I get nothing but the most sincerest "I love you's", and "I'm so lucky's" from my FWW. We are doing extremely well!

For those going through this, I cruise the board when I can, and see all the pain......but be as good to yourself as you can, throughout this ride that nobody here wanted.

God Bless all.....oh, and BTW...this past winter I became a Weather channel star!! See this video .....I'm the meteorologist/storm chaser...George

Thanks for the note, MWIL. We all need the inspiration, and you just gave us some more.

SDG

Update:

For those of you that have followed my thread and for those you may just come across this....my FWW and I (along with our children) continue to be doing fantastic!

FWW and I have continued growing. There really isn't much new to report other than to say life continues to be blessed for both of us. LOTS of time together....we are only weeks away from moving.....contingent on the sale of our "buyers" house. Once their house sells, then they will be buying our home (they are friends of ours). Then we find our new home!!!

We are anxious and excited with the prospect of moving....

Unfortunately, my Mother is not so excited, and has hinted that I was "pushed" into doing this because of FWW. She has no clue, and I very much resent her saying that....My mother has held resentment her whole life (BTW, she married and is still with, her affair partner)

My Dad couldn't be prouder of Me and my wife (and kids) and is happy about our decision to move.

FWW's mother and father are supportive too....just my mother feels the need to create conflict....not sure she has EVER forgiven ANYONE for ANYTHING....including herself.

I follow these boards daily, and chime in when I can with advice. I hope and pray for all out there, struggling with the challenges that infidelity is associated with.

God Bless all,
MWIL