I really think I have had all I can stand. I am not doing well with plan A. H refuses MC and without us both going it is really no help. i am tired of working on this alone. he of course still says I am crazy and there is no affair. Everyday there seems to be something new pointing to the fact that there very much is an affair. I just can't live like this anymore. I want to just file for the divorce now. If he ever decides he wants to work on it I pray to God my heart will not be to hard to agree.

Well, you need to try to do a good Plan A. You only have to do it for 3 months. I think realizing that there is a time limit makes it somewhat easier.

If he has another woman, marriage counseling would likely be a waste of time anyway.

Somehow you need to catch him.

I feel catching him is impossible. I can't afford a PI and it is so hard to follow him etc. I talk to him as if I am the one with the problem and beg him to do MC but he says no. i told him that if he continues to refuse MC I would divorce him because of the problems in the relationship including the affair. He says i could go on my own but not to expect him to pay for it. he says I should ask my parents for the money. i would not do that.

Don't bring up divorce right now. It is better to do a good Plan A. You need to do it for just a few months. While you are doing it, keep watching what he is doing (as much as possible). Also get ready financially. Put aside whatever money you can.

It's not impossible. You're a smart woman and can do it yourself, you don't need a PI. Get a keylogger, try the voice-activated tape recorder, keep snooping, maybe get a friend to follow his car. He will make a mistake if he's involved with another. Good luck julieco.

He has full control of all the money and I am alittle concerned that he is doing something to keep it from me. Our savings i recently noticed is down to 5.oo There is only money in our account to keep up monthly bills etc. I never see his checks and he can easily keep his commision check from me. he is very secretive about money, always has been and only gives me what he chooses for me to have.

There is no way to set aside money without causing a real LB

i told him yesterday that I just wanted to talk to my lawyer and he made the comment that if I would tell him who it was he would call him and smash him on the concrete. I said ok whatever you need to do. But never gave him the name of my lawyer

my kids have had enough as well. We are all pretty worn down from this. We sort of unofficially had been in plan B as we were staying in Florida with my son. He was very comfortable with this and keeps asking when we are going to stay with him again.

He told me today that he had intentions of doing anything differently in our marriage and I just needed to get over all this and move on.

In my opionion the physical threats call for police intervention. You could call the police and tell them you fear for the physical safety of you and or your kids. At the very least it could help to have it on the police records. You may time your call to the police for when your husband is in a particulary scary frame of mind.

I've just scanned your thread and already I see two physical threats. That isn't good, and is a terrible sign for your marriage. And possibly for your personal safety.

What do others here think about that?

I know he is just spatting off about the lawyer. he was just trying to manipulate me into backing down. i feel so sick of this. He has been emotionally abusive many times. honestly, even befor the affair i should have left him. I just couldn't. i really love him but I am tired of doing this alone. if he threatens me personally or sincerely threatens someone else I will not hesistate to call the police.

You are not crazy. Trust your gut. My H tried to make me out to be the crazy one and I made myself sick trying to accept that an A wasn't going on while my gut told me otherwise.

You need to seek legal counsel to see where you stand and try to prepare for going to plan B. Your H sounds very cruel. But, even he can wake up eventually...it may take for him to play out the A to its inevitable end. My H moved in with OW after her DV was final. It didn't last long after that.

Many a BS doesn't have the stamina to make it as long as that. Many A's can take a couple of years to run their course and some want to give up after only a few months. There is usually no need to rush to file for DV.

Some BS's 'move on' too soon and find someone else and then when the WS wakes up the BS is no longer willing to work on saving the marriage.

Many marriages can be better than they were pre-A. If you have real abuse issues then that can complicate and make a recovery less hopeful.

There are abuse issues and it seems hopeless simply because he refuses any type of help. We have had MC in the past and now he refuses. I feel that he refuses because he dosen't want to make any changes.

See an attorney to establish some kind of support. Many times the other party can be billed for the attorney. If he threatens you, leave.

MC won't work anyway as long as he is engaged in an A.

You will know when you are in recovery and by all indications you are not. This doesn't mean that he can't change.

You need to have done a good plan A and then you will probably need to go to plan B. If there is abuse, do what you need to do to get out if he will not leave. If he isn't physically abusive wait until you are certain you are ready for plan B before you leave or you ask him to leave. Report any actual physical abuse or threats to your life to the police. There needs to be a record.

It is up to you whether you want to be patient enough to see if there can be a recovery eventually. It sounds like you are losing your love for him.

You need to examine your options. If you have to leave where can you go? Family, friends, women's shelter? Work on a plan.

I need some advice! I am trying to do plan A and have good days and bad days. He has been with us a lot over the Holidays and I am really trying to do the right things. The problem is I still think he is at least talking to someone else. Many of the signs that I confronted him with, money from the ATM, smoke or perfume smell on his clothes etc, have stopped. But, for some reason, I think something is still up. I just am depressed. I want to just go ahead on days like today and divorce him. I know though that I still need more information. I still need to talk to the OW BF. I have been afraid tht he might do something crazy. (the OW BF) They just had the baby about a week ago. My friend thinks he as moved on to someone else but I think it is still her. should I still talk to the OW BF even if there is a possiblity that they are not even still seeing each other? <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />

Yep, you need facts.

I know I need facts but I wonder if it is better to get them now or just go ahead and file for divorce and let the Lawyer take care of talking to those who need to be questioned.

During Plan A, should you continue to request MC to WH? I have and he gets furious. He told me today he might consider MC if I got a job to pay for it. what do you make of that comment? We can afford it.