He is crying and bringing flowers today?

The flowers were Wed. The crying today. I know this sounds really mean but honestly, I have asked for months for him to get help. When he first got the papers he called and said horrible things to me then called my 16 yr old daughter and said horrible things to her. He called that night saying he did not want the divorce. he asked me to call and get him an appointment wiht a MC. I told him that now it was up to him to get C. he should call for himself. His sister gave him the name of someone and he called.

When I first started posting here it was the affair that was
causing me so much pain. Now I realize the affair just woke me up to the reality that our relationship was in major trouble due to the abuse that was out of control. So in a strange sort of way the affair woke me up to the real problems in our marriage.

Well, now you sound like me. I was completely devestated after D-day. But after WH was out of the house, and many tears had fallen, I noticed that there was not too much that I missed about him. Actually I did miss him opening jars for me, but that was about it.

Hopefully your husband will continue with the counseling and work on his issues. Is he still in contact with the OW?

I am not sure. My best guess is no but I am not sure why I think that. It was just a few weeks ago that he told me he was seeing her on his out of town trips and that I was stupid not to figure it all out. when he knew that I had gone to the Lawyer he said I should just move out because he had someone moving in. he then says there is no affair. I told the MC today that I was not sure which was worse, a husband having an affair or one who is not but making you believe that he is. I of course still believe with all my heart there was or is OW. He did a strange thing after C today. I told him that we both needed this time to heal. I said only God know how it all will end. He said won't you believe me that there is no one else. Maybe I should believe him but that made me believe more that there was. Just from the way he said it. Thanks for talking tonight. God knew I needed it.

I think there is an affair, but he doesn't want to admit to it.

But the fact that he is going to IC is very promising. Usually they refuse to go. I hope that he has decided to work on things.

Do you think the counselor is good?

I feel really good about the counselor. my concern is that he is going now to try to get me to put off the court date on Feb. 9 to determine who will stay in the house. I think when I do not stop that we will see how serious he is. He is really in a mess. the affair has made the emotional problems he had even worse. He said that if I would just walk away and not ask for anything everything would be O.K. I haven't had a full time job in years and with 4 children that is not even an option. I really think the issue is not him losing me but the reality that he will have to support us that is putting him over the edge. Of course he said this was an embarrassmentand that he was going to quite his job and move to another city. he said he was going to take a job making tons less than he does now.

Well, I don't think it matters all that much why he is going to counseling, or his motives right now. The good thing is that he is having to examine his actions, their consequences, and his path in life.

I think I would continue with the court thing. You need to have a little leverage on your side. You can still let him know that you prefer to save the marriage.

I am really concerned about my kids. My 18 year old is now in relationships that show signs of abuse. This is my concern as well. i feel that I need to put an end to this cycle. I just don't understand why he will not confess the affair. maybe because he knows that just makes what is bad worse. I am really trying to just put that behind me for now but boy is it hard. i don't mention it to him but it still just stays in my head. We are in the same house but have not spoken more than ten words since Monday.

For some reason, they never want to confess the affair. My WH maintained that he was not having an affair for over a year. They have been living together all of this time, and he still won't admit to that. It's just the way they are.

The ball is in your court now. So be wise. You can let him know that you are only willing to go back to a much better marriage than before.

He needs to continue counseling and work on his issues. You need to protect you and your children.

It really appears to me that the Divorce is going to happen. Just because of all the issues and the fact that the lawyer just doesn't think seperation is an option. I just wonder if there is much hope for the future once a divorce takes place. i feel really angry sometime that it had to come to this for us to make progress. I guess you see that a healthy relationship is a lot of work away. I hope I have it in me to stick with it.. Something that I think you said or at least something I read on MB refered to not allowing the relationship get to the point that all love was lost. That hit me hard. I realized I was not far from hating him. there is a thin line between love and hate. I do not want to lose all the love I have for him. then I will know there is no hope. It amazes me that your WH still denied the affair. I know someone else that is the same way. Several people as a matter of fact. I guess this comes as no suprise to a MC. I guess they know that is such a cruel, low life thing to do and just don't want to fess up. It seems it would keep them in a type of bondage.

It's the nature of the beast that they continue to deny the affair. My WH was so sincere sounding that his family, and even my attorney didn't think he was having an affair. I caught him and OW in bed, had the hotel bills, and he still lied about it.

I let things go too long and lost all of my love for WH. He is someone that was once in my life, and that is it. I don't talk to him or think about him anymore. There is no hope for us anymore.

I would hold off on the divorce if you can. There are tons of people here who have turned around seemingly hopeless situations. There are also several who have remarried.

Had you H already left when you filed for divorce? My attorney is convinced my husband is having an affair. "I let things go too long and lost all of my love for WH. He is someone that was once in my life, and that is it. I don't talk to him or think about him anymore. There is no hope for us anymore." Do you mean you did not expose?

My WH started the affair 3 years ago. I threw him out on D-day. I hadn't found this site yet.

I exposed the affair, but people didn't believe me, except for the OW's husband. She left him and her 12 year old daughter.

I didn't do a Plan A, because I didn't find MB until 6 months had passed. I did do a Plan B, which is really what helped me recover.

I just filed for divorce 6 months ago. I was really hoping things would work out, but he never could go NC with OW, and I ran out of love.

I understand that completely and remember know it was you that mentioned that early on for me. That was really big for me. He has done so many recent things LB's I guess I should say that it scared me for my own feelings. it is amazing that just the short time that I have divorced myself from him the hurt is easier to handle and when we are not fighting I think I can make it. it feels weird to be in the same house but totally apart. My teenage kids seem ok but I am not sure about the 5 yr old. I have let her watch a lot of tv and stay on the computer to much but I want her to stay distracted. This can't go on for to long though.

it is really funny he just by mistake dropped his keys in the trash can. The big one outside. Normally he would be yelling at me to come dig them out. He did it himself but made sure I heard his frustration. He did not ask me to even help. this is a man who does practically nothing for himself. wow! That was different.

The biggest mistake I made was not letting WH suffer the consequences of his actions. I was so afraid of losing him (now I laugh and wonder why), that I let him run all over me.

He hated his job, and had an opportunity for an early retirement. He turned it down at first, but I called him and promised that I wouldn't take him to court for part of the $25,000. bonus. Well, he got it, and blew it all on the OW. Also he took out all of his $75,000. retirement savings, and that is gone.

He and OW have lived a fantasy life for the last 3 years, with all my husband's pay, his bonus, and savings.

I thought being understanding would bring him back quicker. All it did was give him a bigger sense of entitlement.

I think you need to continue letting him reap the consequences of his actions. You can be kind to him, but protect your family.

I am trying to be careful about what I say or do. I am going to let my lawyer deal with the divorce and the MC deal with the marriage. I think that advice came from someone on MB. It seems to be working. Did you WH support you $ at all?

Nope - no money in the last 3 years. I think he gave me $75.00 total. It was quite a shock, since we have always lived on 2 incomes. I am paying for our home, which I will end up having to split with him.

But our kids are grown, and I have a great job, and can do fine on my own.

Today has been a really tough day. My kids decided to go to church with their dad. I didn't say anything but it killed me. I went alone and I survived. My husband took my 16 year old to look at a car. Our agreement was with our other child now 18, that he would not get a car until he was 17. He was in boarding school and even though the car was here when he came home he could not take it to school until he turned 18. So, with my daughter we said no car until you are 17. Well, he is doing every thing he can to "win" my kids over so of course he told her he is getting her a car this week. We are supposed to go to court for a hearing on Feb.9. This is to determine who stays in the house until the divorce is setteled. He thinks that his usual manipulation tools are working but I have no intentions of stopping any thing. We have been here a couple times before and it does not last. It took the affair to really wake me up to the damage caused to me and my children from the abuse. The affair is really not that big of an issue to me anymore. I am just really frustrated. I am doing what must be done but it doesn/t hurt any less. I wonder if through counseling the kids will be ok with all this. I did read a scripture today in Isaiah 54 that says God will teach your children and give them peace. Any advice?