I'll try to keep it short.
I recently found out that my wife's oldest son was not her ex husband's. She had an affair on him and accidentally got pregnant. She told her husband that it was his. Her ex husband still thinks it's his son. (Son is 15). He pays child support.
During that marriage, she cheated again and got pregnant. She put the baby up for adoption. It resulted in a separation. Later they got back together and had a child... accident. Years later they divorced because she cheated again.
A year later we started dating. 2 months later she got pregnant... another accident. I decided to "do the right thing" and married her.
5 years later she cheated on me and here we are.

2 days ago she confessed that each of her pregnancies were not accidents. She went off of the pill on purpose.

I love my wife dearly. But her obvious mental issues make me sick to my stomach. She shows little remorse or shame for what she has done. She has justifications for all her poor choices. She's seen several therapists over the years but none seem to have helped her. One therapist diagnosed her with Borderline Personality Disorder. I read up on this disorder and it seems recovery is a long and painful road.... if it is even possible. Our future looks very grim but I will exhaust all avenue's before giving up on our marriage.

Should I tell her ex husband the truth? Does he and her son deserve to know the truth... even if it will cause great pain?

H3ll no. First off, you don't know if it's true and secondly, what possible purpose would it serve? There isn't anything to be gained from telling except deep hurt. It's not like there will some kind of advantage or purpose to telling him.

Don't you DARE!

DON'T take away from the INNOCENT child the only dad he has ever known,,,

who the he$$ says that sperm donars are what makes a father...

do you realize the [email]potential...chaos..he@@[/email], pain this could cause him....

who ARE you to destroy a child over GROWNUPS IDIOTIC crap..

do you think he will be HAPPY to know...

know what his mom did
know that his DAD might never ever see or love him the same way...

to take their relationship and intrude and reak havoc...

what are you THINKING!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

if you tell forever on you will be the burdon of the father son relationship you destroy...

it would be less painful for you to stab them with knives...

ARK^^

nickatnite...
this woman has no concept nor any interest in building dignified relatioships...

seek FULL custody of all children involved...
OR
stay married and let her do whatever she wants...and raise ALL the children involved to be upstanding adults inspite of her crap....

those children deserve one grownup in their lives who gives a DAyum about them...
be that man...

your rewards are unimaginable....

save the children
do the right thing...

ARK

Will pray for you and the child and the whole family. I feel your pain. I understand totally. My xh's affair wife, has the "habit" of getting pregnant "accidentally"...

Should I tell her ex husband the truth? Does he and her son deserve to know the truth... even if it will cause great pain?

Wow nick, how shocking!! It isn't your place to say a word.
It is your wife's place at the right time. They both deserve to know the truth, but telling a child at age 15 I don't know?? And if so he better have good counseling fast.

A friend of my sons, Matt is his name, he is 16 now, his mother told him last yr that the man that raised him for 16 yrs was not his real father. It freaked this boy out, he is so angry and she doesn't know what to do with his anger.
The police are there a fews times a week because he goes ballistic, he already had problems, but this exasperated it.
And btw, the dad has not given up on him though, he still treats him as if he is own, as he always has. But this boy will never feel the same knowing he isn't his biological dad, and wonder why did they not tell him until now.

This is one part to my story....My dad (that I always thought was my dad, because no one told me different until I was 30 yrs old) died when I was 15. He was a good dad by the way. But after my mom died 10 yrs ago, my sister sat me and my brother down after her funeral and said "the man that was your dad wasn't really your biological dad. Your real dad went to jail for not paying back child support and your mom divorced him." She was pregnant with me when she met my non-biological dad. So we were both little and they kept this secret our whole lives. They both died with the secret. I was devastated, and I didn't have mom or dad here to ask, so I was angry about that. I know my sister wouldn't lie to me. But it was a huge secret in our family.

I did know something was wrong when I was young though. Back in my drinking days, I would get drunk, get the courage up and call my mom and tell her "I know there are secrets in our family and I want to know what they are." I was so right.

Lady

This is too serious an issue to handle based on the opinions of a few random strangers on the web (me included). I suggest that you do some reading, perhaps consult with some psychologist who specializes in this kind of issue (which is no so rare as you might suppose) and do some deep thinking about it.

My opinion is that the later he (the father) finds out, the worse. He probably is not going to just go dump his son. He (the dad) can also invest the time and effort to make his own decision about what to do.

And finally, your W has been known to lie and might have some motivation to lie about this also. (I don't know why, but it's possible). So, for now, it is an unproven assertion - and before it is fully sprung on people (espeically the boy), a discrete (discreet? sp?) DNA test would be in order.

Here's something to read that influenced my though about family secrets in general.

Family Secrets, by Michael Mask

-AD

I will disagree with most of the others here and say that this boy DOES have the right to know who he is. No one has the right to take that away from him.

And the father who has been raising him has the right to know as well.

There is a case like this in WH's family, though it's never been proven as far as I know. One of his female cousins got married some 20 years ago after she got pregnant. She and her husband are small and dark-haired; the son she had shortly after the wedding has grown up to be a big strapping blond. Everybody whispers about this but I don't think it's ever been brought out into the open. And this boy is severely troubled with tendencies toward violence.

The point is -- no one should think that they can hide this, or think that if they don't say anything nobody will notice. Ignoring it and pretending about it will not make it go away, anymore than ignoring and pretending about infidelity makes it go away. I guess I'm pretty surprised at the other posters here who think this can just be ignored and everyone will be fooled.

I do agree with _AD_, though, that professional guidance should be sought as to exactly *how* to deal with this. First there must be proof in the form of a DNA test, and if the dad turns out not to be the bio-dad then let the professionals help the families through this. (sounds like a great show for Dr. Phil. I believe this sort of thing happens a lot more often than most people think.)

But do the father and son have the right to know the truth? Absolutely they do, and I'm stunned that anyone would suggest otherwise.
Mulan

You know, I am stunned that anyone could suggest he TELL these people such a devastating thing in the first place, much less without even knowing if it's true! First off, no one really knows the parentage of this child. This is only based on the word of a liar who was playing around. How could she know unless she did a DNA test? He could very well be the father after all.

There is absolutely no reason to pass on this information. The only result will be completely unneccessary devastation.... for absolutely no good purpose. It will not help, it will only harm. This situation is entirely different frm an affair where a BS needs to know so he can protect himself. This is critical information about his life. Not so with questions of parentage.

I have a sister, aged 41, who happens to have been fathered by another man. The only people alive who know this are ME [who was a witness to this affair at age 6] and my mother. We have never discussed it, but I know the truth. It dawned on me a couple of years ago. But, I will never, ever, never tell my sister that our dad is not her dad. What possible purpose would it serve except to devastate her and my parents? My father is her REAL FATHER regardless of who was the sperm donor.

***We have never discussed it, but I know the truth. It dawned on me a couple of years ago.***

Mel - if it dawned on you, what makes you think it will never dawn on your sister? And if it does, what will you say to her then?
Mulan

I don't know how it could ever dawn on her. She is not privy to the same set of facts as me.

I don't know what I would do if she asked me. But if she did ask, it is doubtful she would ask me. The most likely person to ask would be my mother, not me.

Tell after the child turns 21.

Not now.

oh ....I just read that this is not proven via DNA testing ...

so therefore, it ought not to be revealed ....because it is not a proven fact that may be revealed by accident in the future ....

stay mute

You know it suprises me that none of you have bothered to read the article that Dr.Harley has on this subject.

"But if you want my advice, I would encourage you to be honest with Robin's daughter very early in life, so that there are no surprises later. I think it's more important for her to know she can trust what you say, than that she thinks you are her real father. Eventually, she is likely to know the truth anyway, and if she was consistently told that she was your daughter, the truth might undermine her trust of you. Regardless of who her genetic father may be, you will be the father that cares for her most for the rest of her life, and she will know that about you as you raise her into adulthood."

http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi5063b_qa.html

Here's the first part though. http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi5063a_qa.html

Now I noticed the meloday says that the only people that know of her sisters real paternity are her and her mother. Now I don't know if her mother was married at the time but lets assume that melodylane mother was married and is still married to the same person she is today. What that means then, by Dr.Harley that melodylane's parent marriage is a decietful one.

For those that say only pain will come of it. Same thing then for revealing an affair. Then those will say well the affair has to be revealed so the betrayed spouse can protect themselves. Same argument for the child, the child can protect themselves from the parent that was decietful.

Now melody you say it is critical information about one's life about for the betrayed spouse. Same thing for the oc! The parents are critical information about who they are! They have a right to know who their biological parents are. You are right though that your father is her father no matter what. Nothing will change that. But your sister still does deserve the truth.

Finnally my opinion is that nickanite send a written letter to Dr.Harley asking him what to do.

Why should the ex-husband pay child support for a child that isn't his? After all nickanite can help pay the bills for that child that is his wife.

Noliving, I don't believe that the same principles apply to adultery as they do parentage. The facts of adultery are critical information that an adult needs to know in order to make sound decisions about their life and in order to protect themselves frm a deceitful partner, the same can't be said about the possible [alleged by a liar] identity of a sperm donor. This child is not in need of protection from anyone. He has a loving father who cares for him. A person doesn't need to know their parents to know "who they are." A person's identity is derived from thier own character, not that of an absent parent. The news of adultery is helpful and useful to its victim, albeit painful; the belated news of hidden parentage serves absolutely no purpose except to devastate and divide.

Now, as far as my sister goes, I have strong suspicions but I have never discussed this with my mother and never will. I have no direct evidence beyond that. My parents have been divorced for 42 years and their marriage was much more than deceitful, my parents did not know right from wrong and adultery was a way of life.

Here is another thing that should be taken into consideration. This 11 yr old boy has already lost his mother. She has abandoned him and moved on with another man and has new children. Losing your mother at a young age like that has to be extremely traumatic. The only thing he has left to hold onto is his DAD. I cannot fathom how telling him that the only thing he has left to hold onto in life is not really his. I just don't see any valid reason for telling him, but I can see lots of reasons to not tell him.

I agree with alleged by a liar, that is why a dna test would help out greatly. Actually yes knowing who your biological parents are is critical information, especially when it comes to genetic diseases. You used the word liar. The woman is still lying which means the partner has everyright to protect himself, same thing with this child, the mother is a liar towards him and other things which means he(son that is 15) has a right to know this information and decide if he wants to continue this relationship with his mother or not.


Then why do you keep on talking about protecting the child from the devestation that this news would bring him? Just because it hurts doesn't mean a child shouldn't know. Basically the old it will hurt so don't tell is the same reason people use not to tell their spouses.


I agree with that but knowing who the parents are though helps with identity now doesn't it?


Same as finding out who the biological parents are. You can't argue and say that adultry is helpful because it allows someone to decide what they want to do in life when it comes to the relationship with their spouse and say that it is not helpful for a child to determine what type of relationship they want from that parent whether it be a biological parent or not. That devestation and divide comes from the lies. Adultry does the same thing doesn't it? It devestates and divides families.


That is what I thought, that is why I used the word assume.

Again Dr.Harley encourages that the child know this information because the longer it is kept secret the more "unwanted suprises" are likely to happen.

The child is 15 and what you are suggesting is that it is best that the child live a lie/illusion.

Adultry is unfair and it is painful. It gets even more unfair when children become an even bigger victim such as an oc child. The point is this, if the child knows now he can deal with it now and not later where it has the potential to do more harm in his life. How many times do we hear bs say that if they only knew sooner it would have cause less pain, same thing, I don't think you read the Dr.harley articles because he mentions that the child will recognize that even though the parent is not their parent biologically they still look at the adult as their parent.

Here I'll post what Dr.Harley said again.

"But if you want my advice, I would encourage you to be honest with Robin's daughter very early in life, so that there are no surprises later. I think it's more important for her to know she can trust what you say, than that she thinks you are her real father. Eventually, she is likely to know the truth anyway, and if she was consistently told that she was your daughter, the truth might undermine her trust of you. Regardless of who her genetic father may be, you will be the father that cares for her most for the rest of her life, and she will know that about you as you raise her into adulthood.


There are your benefits right there.

How would I know this? Because I'm oc child.

Noliving, I can sympathize that you have had experience with this, but I am just not convinced. There is no reason whatsoever to believe that this will ever come out anyway or that this woman even knows who the father is or is even telling the truth. My sister is 41 and is none the wiser. I don't agree that the child is living an illusion, the truth is that his REAL father is raising him right now. And he may very well be the biological father, we just don't know.

I do agree, however, that he should email Steve Harley and get his opinion and perhaps his guidance. I don't think, though, that anything should ever be said, whatever is decided, until the truth is determined. That being said, at the risk of being wrong, and perhaps I am, my main concern is this poor boy who has already lost so much.

I don't understand this rationalization. What difference does it make if a disease is genetic or not? Diagnosis is still based on the symptoms presented by the patient, not by the patient's relatives. This is not something one needs to know in order to receive medical treatment.

I agree with that, what I am saying though is that in case that it is then he needs to know. You don't know that your sister is none the wiser, how do you know she hasn't had doubts? In fact you yourself have said you are not even for sure yourself that she is an oc. The reason to know has to do with trust which Dr.Harley clearly stated.