Yeah! What maw said! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/pfft.gif" alt="" />

Thank you Drita - I just see her so doom and gloom and though I feel it alot - on my worst days I am not starving and wallowing in my self pity --- I mean she needs to learn to stand on her own - because if she continues on like this - no one is gonna want to be there - And really her daughter should be her priority - and though this man she may love to a degree he is and was a boyfriend - and she enjoyed him so just be thankful for the time together and be thankful that she found out the problems before she got married - And I respect her wishes but like everyone says - she believes them but does she really want to live by them...??? It shouldn't be this hard..... Honestly.... She needs to stand on her own and be happy on her own before she can ever be with someone else.... Case in point that is why I am alone... And you know what - Lordslady - you need to learn to laugh... I tend to laugh about alot of stuff because frankly if I didn't I just might cry... but heck you only live life once....

We can all be victims if we want to be... I have plenty of reason to be doom and gloom too. Heck, a week from today I'm unemployed, Merry Christmas to me! I'm alone, I don't have a man! My mother lives with me and I have to support her, how am I going to do that now? I've been sick since July and might have cancer. Boo hoo! Call the wahmbulance!
Oh! And I just got an email from my xbf! Yikes!

Then I turn around and look at all that I have, God, my lovely home, my awesome friends, this website, my attitude, my brains, my puppy, my sense of humor, my mother. It's all in the way you look at it. We all have problems, we all get lonely, and it's perfectly okay to acknowledge that...as long as we move on and repair the damage! Call on God and rest in Him, let stuff go, because we could ALL go crazy if we allow it to consume us.
Thankfully, my friends would kick my behind before I get this low. THAT'S why we need friends.

Okay, I hijacked a little, but it's to prove a point for LL.
So hang in there girl! Think about it!

[color:"blue"] Maw [/color] and [color:"blue"] Drita [/color] - Y'all expressed my feelings perfectly!
[color:"blue"] LordsLady [/color] , you have the power of choice, as we all do.

• Choose to end it with your BF,
  Choose to call a friend (anyone, including Drita, even the pastors' wives),
  Choose to be the 3rd or 5th wheel (I do it all the time),
  Choose to believe God has a plan for you and knows what is best for you,
  Choose to be fully single (with no thoughts of dating for a season) so you aren't distracted by "other thoughts",
  Choose to have reasonable expectations of your daughter
  Choose to put up Christmas decorations even if you're not in the "holiday" mood
  Etc....

God gives us all choices to make every day. It's up to us to make the decisions that align with our beliefs and His will for us.

quote:
God gives us all choices to make every day. It's up to us to make the decisions that align with our beliefs and His will for us.

LOVE THAT!!! Did you just make that up?! I'm writing it down!

I'm writing it down too!! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/laugh.gif" alt="" />

wow, i'm honored...actually, I was praying as I wrote that, as I didn't want LL to think I'm talking down to her (cuz I'm not). Typed words can so easily be misconstrued.

I have a lot of personal experience in the choices I listed, and as we all know, there are many, many more choices we each make every day. I just didn't want to get into a sermon about 'free will' (possibly causing another theological debate), so I kept it simple.

LL,

You are no catch for your BF and no good to your D if you can't take care of yourself. You are wallowing (how attractive is that?) and you are starving yourself. What do you want people here to do? They can encourage you and hope for you and try to tell you the things you want to hear (many are telling you what you need to hear) but in the end it comes down to what you choose.

You are not a rock for your daughter to come home to in this condition. You are not a joy for your BF to talk to in this condition. Are you so SURE it's sex that is causing him to pull away and not your behavior and attitude since you decided to stop having sex? My best guess is in your current state of mind you are no picnic to deal with. Would you want to talk to you?

Mom says snap out of it. Hmmp. Not the best thing to say to a depressed person. However, you do need to make some choices about who you are going to be and how you are going to be. Only you can choose that. You are stressing about a future you can't control or plan but right now you are making darned sure you sabatoge it. STOP! If you want something then the best way to get it is to make sure you are physically and mentally ready to go after it and accept it. Wallowing and self pity are the only waya you will get a guaranteed future. The future you are so dreading.

Get yourself to the grocery store and stock your kitchen with healthy quick foods and make a deal with yourselve to eat something. You don't have to have a big meal. Eat a few small meals during the day.

Some ideas:

Cheese and crackers
Pita stuffed with salad or tuna salad.
Toast
Sandwich
Make an easy pasta that can be reheated for multiple meals.
Get some protein shakes and bars to carry with you for work.
Treat yourself to your favorite take out.

Take some control over what you do have control over. That is you! If you can't maintain your own basic needs of eating how the heck can you tackle the big stuff? Understand that starving yourself contributes to lack of energy, loss of control, poor decisions, anxiety, weakness, scattered thoughts, etc. Take care of yourself!!

Symphony

Avondale,
Hopefully LL knows what we are saying to her is ALL coming from our hearts because we care about her and want her to happy and healthy.

I didn't get the impression that you were talking down. It was probably the Holy Spirit that wrote that through you...
which ALSO shows your heart is in the right place!
I think sometimes LL runs off and isolates and it's the last thing she needs right now!

Hey! LL, I'm going to a "tastefully simple" party tonight-hey! It's perfect-food, simple, good and good for you!
If you'd like to come...

Again, not addressing individually--takes too long and I write too much already. Just know I AM reading EVERYONES' posts and am truly praying and trying to take it all in. I really am trying to help myself. I'm just darned poor at it for some reason and it irritates me.

As for the physical "taking care of myself". I have been doing my darnest for almost 2 weeks to force myself to eat, but until the last few days have really had issues with stomach pain and nausea and have not been able to pursuade myself to eat much real food. So I had been living on Ensure, which I think in large quantities was part of what was making my intestines so upset. I have managed to eat a few meals (small ones for the most part), I did treat myself two nights in a row to Chinese food because it seems to set better, and I've been forcing myself to eat at least a little here each day at lunch. I also did stop at the grocery store a few days ago and just went up and down the aisles and picked up whatever looked good, regardless how weird or regardless of cost. But I didn't get much. I need to go back tonight or tomorrow and restock. I have managed to put back on ONE pound. But I guess that's a start. If I just had an appetite it would be so much easier. I'm not intentionally trying to starve myself. It's just a bi-product of my stress. Some people stress and eat. I stress and totally lose my appetite and once I get weak, it's really hard to build myself back up. And it's been complicated by the bitterly cold temps, the snow, and the fact that it's dark each night when I leave work. I have zero desire to get out of my car and do any shopping. I just want to go home and bundle up. But I truly am trying.

As for isolating, I did force myself to go to Bunco last night at my neighbor's house. While it was a way to keep me occupied for the evening, it as also rather depressing because they're all married with families and the entire conversations revolved around what their families are doing and holiday plans and stuff. So I went home feeling sort of empty.

I am trying to be positive, and am praying that God will work things out. Of course I'd be lying if I said my prayers weren't that he will somehow keep BF and I together which just seems rather impossible right now.

We're supposed to ask for something and have faith. I don't feel like it's wrong from a biblical sense to pray that we could work things out. There is a verse in Corinthians that says something to the effect of "it's better to marry than to burn with passion". And if I believe the Bible is true, than I have to hold onto this truth, don't I? The problem is that it seems like each time I've prayed for something that was really big (my marriage to be saved, my ex to get control over his alcoholism, my daughter to get her life together), it's crashed. So by habit, my brain automatically wants to believe that this will crash, too, and that it's God's will that I be alone and that BF continues to struggle with his urges and continues to get into sexual relationships outside marriage that even he admits he can't reconcile to God's word.

But that's lacking faith in God to work this out. So I'm trying to think positive, trying to pray that he will somehow not let this relationship crash and burn. Sometimes I do okay. And sometimes my faith is completely shot and I'm shaking and going nuts.

Talked to BF last night. It's depressing, but maybe not totally hopeless. He has admitted that he is in "shut-down mode", that there are too many thoughts and emotions going on right now between our issues and his very important paper he has to have done in final form by next Tuesday for his doctoral class, and his rough draft wasn't well accepted, so he has a lot on his mind.

He also admitted that I was in the line of fire on that call Wednesday night and that his anger wasn't directed at me. He said we probably shouldn't have talked at all that night--that he needed some space and time to cool off after what happened--but that since we've never not had a nightly phone call, he chose to talk to me.

But...he can't tell me if we're still a couple at this point or not. All he can say is that things are "on hold". He admits he IS purposely avoiding me right now, because he knows that he's competitive, and that he will challenge my boundaries and try to push through them. He can't tell me if we will ever see each other again or not at this point. Right now, he said he has to get his paper done--all is on hold until then, and then he will see if he comes out of shut-down mode and will try and deal with the other stuff.

He admits being very apprehensive about making a marriage decision too soon because of his past experience with his ex becoming a totally different person and with his last L/T relationship burning him so bad and with the red flags he's experienced with me already. He is also apprehensive about the distance thing.

But he did say, "LL, I'm not using this time to go out and try to find other women. That's not who I am. I am truly in shut-down mode." He said his thoughts and emotions go from thinking some of my ideas (moving up a marriage date to say, 6 months from now) are fairly practical, to thinking its all complete craziness.

I have no idea what to think. We can't have a relationship if we can't see each other. I told him if we're together and he pushes my boundaries, I'll stop him at some point. The question is, can he handle the frustration of being stopped, or will that blow us apart? And of course, his other option is to give up on me, and go out and find someone else who will be sexual before marriage. But he has to find someone, and be comfortable in a relationship with them. He isn't a guy who will just pick someone up in a bar and take them home for the night. He's never done that. So I'm trying to pray that God will help him consider that he could be looking at a few months of none either way. The thing is, I can't see in his heart. I can only see in my own.

And I'm starting to believe that part of his issue with this is a control issue in the sense that his ex wife has totally yanked control from him on parenting, his L/T relationship played him for 2.5 years and he never was in control there, and now I've yanked control from him in a way. He's angry, and he is competitive, and I'm wondering if as a man this isn't a huge part of things. He wants to be in control of his life and it's going crazy all around him, and he's reacting.

I'm trying to hang onto the final comment from last night's converstaion. I said to him, "So, I'm going to try and back off, give you space to do your paper, and believe that all is not hopeless."

His response: "That's what I've been trying to tell you."


Drita, your Tastfully Simple party sounds interesting. I'm just not yet sure what tonight holds for me. I left work a little earlier than normal last night so that I could make it to Bunco, and I didn't get here any too early this morning. I may still be working.

LL

Why would you even consider marriage??? Honestly - do you think that is the way to go - just so you can have approved of sex??? I don't get it...... Do you think you are ready for marriage now or even in six months ?? there are way to many other issues???? What about your daughter?

Thank you maw...My thoughts exactly! SIGH!

Marriage is a band-aid..... LordsLady, I beg you to invest in the most important person in your life, you. Invest in counseling. You're walking aimlessly my friend, let a proffessional help get you on the path. I truly believe you're coming to a point where you can't afford not to be there.......

Rather than say you know you need it but can't afford it, let's look at how you could do it. Does your insurance have mental health? What about a woman's crisis center? Any therapist up there do sliding scale fees?

Even a Pastor...most of the time they don't charge at all!

That reminds me... of my conversation with my xBF J (the 2+ yr one) the other day. He has finally reached a point where he doesn't need a woman! It's amazing! He has thought for sooooo long that he needed a wife... a woman in his life. I think the thing that finally woke him up was a woman he started dating that fell head-over-heels in love with him REALLY fast. She did everything for him - ran errands, went to his house to clean & cook, took the kids places (all the things I didn't do LOL), and nurtured him and babied him, and ... she just LOVED him, and he was EVERYTHING to her. She SMOTHERED him. He finally broke things off with her... it took a LONG time to get rid of her!!! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/laugh.gif" alt="" /> And I think it woke him up and helped him realize he is fine on his own for a while!

Maybe that's what LL needs. A clingy, smothering man, that will do everything for her. Maybe she'll realize it's OK to be alone!

LL, yes, Corinthians says it's better to marry than to burn with passion. But how many times in the bible does it say that God is everything we need? And we shouldn't desire things MORE than to desire God's will? I think you will find more peace if you will quit praying for your will, and pray for peace and comfort, and for God's guidance for YOUR life - not anyone else's.

hugs,
Faith1

Faith!!! THAT IS THE TICKET!
Yes...praying for GOD'S will, not LL's!!!
See, LL?! THAT'S why everything "crashes and burns", because you aren't looking at the BIG picture-just your small view of it (I mean that in the sense that we cannot see how BIG God's will is...
Do you believe that He holds in store for you than you can ever imageine??!! Do you realize that these things you are praying for may not be in His will and you aren't seeing what He MAY have in store for you?
Oh, Faith, I hope that hits LL like it did me! That's why she's so unhappy, because she is only wanting what SHE wants, not "being still" and living in God's will!
LL, you are being somewhat immature in your praying...and then when you do, you never let go... you still want what you want and are not LETTING GOD!!!
You need to come to terms with the biggest fear you have...being alone...and only THEN will you understand what you are doing.
You ARE sabotaging your relationship with BF, make no mistake about that... and you are so into "what if..." that you aren't even dealing with today.
As my ol grandpa used to say, "You've got one foot in yesterday and one day in tomorrow and you are pi$$ing all over today!"
(sorry about that, but grandpa told it like it is!!!)

Drita that is the best saying.... and your grandpa sounds right.... Though I am someone that has a problem letting go of the past ... at times - the why's and the whatevers... But that reason being is why I am trying to find myself and though I think a man - may make me feel good, or better about myself or happier - I don't think that he would be the solution.... The problems lie with me... Yes I was hurt - yes I was crapped all over - but I need to learn to move on and accept it that it happened.. And make that saying that everyone always tells me - if it won't kill you - it can only make you stronger - something to that effect... Now I am not going to get into the religious aspect of this - because well I am catholic - lets just say I believe but am not all about letting him lead my life...anyways I am getting off track.... What you do not understand Lordslady - is that it is about you - You have the problems.... and some man like losthusband says is only a bandaid.... First and foremost you have to make things right with you - and with your daughter - I am sorry I know she is a difficult child and you have problems with her - but I think she should be your main concern now..... Top priority - she isn't even home - she quit school - she does what she pleases and she is 16 - She needs your guidance more than you need a marriage by far......... Being a mother should be your only priority right now..... Am I lonely you bet I am.... But my cousin always tells me - when I am ready he will be there... And I am thinking that I won't have to go looking for him either... But I can accept that I am not ready - there is no time limit on becoming a couple again....You are not healthy enough to be in a relationship...... at all....... And I really truly believe that... I also think -- that once you have been through a horrible relationship and betrayal you should never have to settle - you should meet someone and it should be easier - not totally easy -because every relationship has its issues - but it shouldn't be so hard.... you are like begging him to stay with you .... and sometimes it comes across to me as pathetic and you are not Pathetic... You are you.... And you shouldn't have to beg someone to be with you ..... And if he is the right man for you - he will be there in six months - when you are ready to have a relationship - ........Stop and look at your situation through our eyes - read your posts and pretend someone else is writing them - what advice would you want to give......????? Honestly.....

I used to feel that I needed a man in my life too.
What I've found out is, if I made my own life, my own attitude, my own decisions, then WHEN and IF that man comes, he will compliment my life... he will be an addition to it, not complete it.

Funny thing happens when you stop and realize who you are and all YOU (me) have to offer... it's quite a bit, and why in the WORLD would I go and beg someone to be with me...? They should WANT to be with me! They should understand that we are both people with our own lives, our own works, our own walk in faith...but come together because we WANT to, not because one of us HAS to...how freeing is that?!

Maw, you make some good points! I think there are too many other people out there depending on others for their happiness, and that is never good. It's impossible!

Okay, responses:

First, on considering marriage--yes, the sex plays a part. But it's not everything--I truly have had "maybe we'll get married" thoughts for a while now, even before the sex thing came up. But things were going along well, so I had no reason to push him on his 2-year deadline.

But I'm not saying marry him tomorrow. I'm saying give it a number of months. What I've suggested to him is that instead of waiting 2 more years, that we could maybe wait 6 more months. We'd still have been together for a year at that point. Do I think that's weird or rushing things? No, I really don't. Do I feel like I'd just be "settling"? No, I don't. I see a lot of good qualities in him. But it really doesn't matter if he chooses not to see me, and that's what's in his hands.

I call him nightly if he doesn't call me. Yes, I have pushed for an answer on where he is with me right now, because I feel I'm in limbo. And I have offered alternate suggestions for how this might work for us. And while I've thought it a LOT, and may have prayed it to God, I have not said to BF, "Please stay with me!". I've verbally made it clear that I care very much for him, I hope things work, but he's the one who has to decide what he can and can't accept.

However, yes I DO tend to run things into the ground dwelling on them, and I am praying that God will give me patience and will help me be calm, and I'm really trying to back off a little and not push it.

Therapy: First, I won't see a non-Christian therapist again. Been there, done that, didn't work. Need someone who believes like I do. Second, I have insurance, but it doesn't cover just anyone, and my average co-pay per session is about $45-50. Say I went even weekly, that's $200/month. I'd have to charge it on a credit card that already has a balance that is too high. If I get too many bills to pay and not enough money, I could be looking at bankruptcy, and losing my house. I will guarantee that's not going to help my stress situation. So, not saying I won't consider it at all, but know it can't be a long-term or frequent thing. As for pastors counseling--some of you may know my fears of this. I won't go into them. I am chatting with my pastors over the phone about 1-2 times a week. They are not professional counselors, but they have been helpful in helping me to focus...sometimes.

My daughter: She is a priority, but I can't direct her very much at this point. She's gone when I come home from work and I don't see her again until around 11pm or so, even on nights when she's in town. I refuse to just sit on my thumb every night just in case she happens to come home. I don't see where my relationship has gotten in the way of my daughter. I see just as much of her when dating as I did before dating. And at 16, I can't "force" her to do anything, nor will that teach her anything--this came not from me but from her therapist. I love her, I try and keep lines of communication open and talk with her when she wants to talk with me. Come warmer weather I'm going to be pushing her to get a job, and to maybe get the guts to get her driver's permit so that eventually she can get her license so that she can drive. That'd make work transportation a lot easier. But right now, with the freezing cold, she's neither going to get a job nor learn to drive. So we're sort of in a holding pattern for a few months.

Okay, back to God's will. Yes, the pessimistic LL thinks maybe it's God's will that I never have a man, just because that's my fear. But truly, I don't want to be with my BF (or whatever he is right now) just because he's a man. I truly do love this guy. Had I not made this decision that I made (which I do believe was the one I was supposed to make in God's eyes), things were going just wonderfully. We'd gotten past a lot of our earlier issues and were quite content. I was very comfortable with him and would have been quite content to spend my future with him, just the way things were. It is very hard to think of letting all that go, if there's a chance that somehow it can be saved. When you love someone, your mission usually isn't to end a relationship. I thought maybe it was good to have faith in spite of what seem to be huge obstacles, and believe that God can work miracles. But maybe instead you are saying I'm being delusional in hoping?

LL

Oops...forgot to mention one more thing:

On the suggestion of sliding fees. This is going to sound bad because I complain of having no money. But I make too much to qualify under any sliding fees. The problem is that I have too many expenses. I own a suburban home by myself that my ex and I owned together before on two incomes, but it's my home--it's close to work--and I don't want to leave it. I have pets, I run my temp in my house too high because I'm freezing so my gas and electric bills run about $250/month (before the recent cold snap--I'm sure the next one will be over $300), and my ex is behind on child support again. So by the time I get to the end of the month, the money is long gone. And I'm not the world's best money manager.

LL