I don't think there's anything wrong with hope.

Do you think it's simply "hope", when you are in the state that you are in?

- you are calling him every night, when he needs some space and time

- you are physically ill from stress and cannot eat

- you cannot focus on anyone else's needs (you don't like going to holiday parties, can't enjoy other people's joys and concerns, you don't read and respond to other posts here)

- you are asking God for your will (He is not your genie or servant)

- you are asking God to change other people, when you are not willing to do some things for yourself

Yes.... I understand "hope". I understand "belief in miracles". But setting aside everything else in life, for a man, or anything else we have our sights set on, is not what hope is about. Is it?

Oooohhh Faith, I'm so confused (and frustrated)!

No, the state I'm in is not good. That's exactly why I'm trying to have hope--instead of worrying about all the negative "what if's", I'm trying to be positive. If someone is ill, is it wrong to pray to God to heal them? What if that's not God's will? (I know--playing devil's advocate here a little--but I guess that's the point I'm making. I have read the verses that say it is better to marry than to burn with passion and that those that say that while it's good to be single and focus on the Lord, not everyone can accept that and that it's not a sin to marry. And I do believe that BF is a Christian. So I'm trying to figure out why it is wrong to pray that God could work in our lives to make this happen, but to give me clear guidance over the next months to plainly see if he's not the right person (and obviously if he leaves me, this will be evident--and yes, I am still worried about that--and still trying to come to terms with it and not there yet.) But I'm just not feeling this overwhelming calling to be the one who ends it myself right now. Yes, that does leave it in limbo.

Okay, but back to hope:

-- Yes, I call him if he doesn't call me by a certain time. He has not yet said, "Don't call me". But he has said he's in shut-down mode and can't think about our issues right now. Guess I didn't see that as him asking me not to call, but more asking me not to ask him things he can't answer--like if he's going to see me again (which I AM guilty of and that is probably the biggest thing sabotaging my relationship). I will try harder to keep that stuff out of the conversation. I haven't gone a day without hearing from him since probably August. It's very hard to imagine, and I admit, I am scared to imagine it. (I know--that's a bad sign--but I do really care about him--can't lie about that.)

--I am physically ill from stress and eating is diffult. VERY TRUE! (And is that part of hope? No--it's been part of worrying about "what if he's gone" and then "what if I never experience a physically intimate relationship with a man again?".) But I am trying very hard to make myself eat, to build myself back up again, even though it doesn't sound or taste good. I seem to have stopped the weight loss at least for now and was up about a pound this morning. I will be stopping at the grocery store again on my way home tonight to grab more things that might be fattening and sound good. I'd love to have someone who would cook for me (where's my mom when I need her?) and take care of me--it's been sort of like having a 2-3 week bout of flu, but that's not going to happen. It stinks being sick and single, especially in cruddy weather. But really, I am trying because I know I have to.

--I am having trouble giving right now--I feel like I have very little to give, mentally and physically. It's a struggle most days to get from morning 'til night and crash back in bed. It's mostly having to do with BF, but is also dealing with my DD's issues, and with the mountains of things that are hovering over me at work. I feel overwhelmed--like there are just too many things to deal with and not enough strength to handle them all. I haven't responded to many other posts on here for obvious reasons. I have my own issues--don't see myself being very helpful to others right now. I did listen intently to the holiday party plans of others last night at Bunco and asked about things in their lives, and I'm glad they're happy. It was just rather bittersweet because I guess I'm envious (which is another sin, I know). As for going to holiday parties, I'm not much of a partier in general. Never have been, even when married. I'm chatty when I know someone, but I'm pretty much an introvert. I've always been rather shy and I'm not comfortable in social situations that some people seem to thrive on. I don't drink much which is another reason I avoid both going out with people and going to parties. Even at Bunco last night the wine was flowing very freely, and I felt like sort of the oddball by continuing to turn them down after my first serving. I'm having trouble figuring out where I fit in sometimes, which makes it hard to feel like giving or to even know what I can give. And then I need the energy and stamina to give it.

--Whose will am I asking for? Yes, I suppose you're right that I'm asking God to help ME in this. I guess by pulling the sex out of it and trying to hold to his rules for a right relationship in that respect, I thought perhaps because I was trying to do things the right way, that maybe what I was asking was within his will now and he would work in our lives to show us what he can make happen if we honor him. So here I am trying to have faith that what I ask for might be granted if I believe, but yet in the back of my mind I realize it's about God, not me and that I deserve nothing. If he never gave me anyone in my life again, if he took away my health, if he took away my children, if he took away my job and everything I own and left me alone, dying, with nothing, that could all still be within his will, and I really don't deserve to ask for anything more than that. But I'm NOT there yet mentally. I'm really struggling with that one. How do you just quit praying for something youi want. Isn't that like saying to God, "I don't believe you can do this."

--I am trying to change. Change #1 was a huge change--stopping a behavior I knew was wrong and having a very good idea of the flack it would cause, and going through this sickness and turmoil and holding to that decision, even though I know if I'd just give in and go back to the way I was, BF would be a happy camper and things would probably quickly revert to their formerly status. I am trying to obey God. Second, I am trying to occupy more of my time so that I'm not spending so much "alone" time dwelling on things. I'm forcing myself to eat. I'm forcing myself to go out and do things (a church party on Sunday and Bunco last night, and I'm going out with my fellow department heads on Monday night for supper). I am spending more time in prayer. I was trying to build a support network from my church, but it's now Friday and neither of my pastors' wives have called yet, nor has either pastor called to check back in on me for a few days. And one of the wives was going to ask someone else they know who was divorced (is now remarried) to call me to offer some support. She hasn't called either. I don't feel like calling them and hounding them. So the church support network goal isn't coming along very well yet. And I did put up SOME Christmas decorations in my house. But how is it wrong to ask God to help BF find some self-control so that he isn't struggling so much with his sexual urges, and to help him to find some relief from his anger and frustration with things in his life. And yes, I have asked God that if we're supposed to be together, that he would help BF not to give up but to keep an open mind about things.

You are right--BF and wondering if he'll call, wondering if he'll email, wondering if I'll ever get to see him again and the outcome of this still consumes way too much of my time and brainpower. I am not happy with that either, nor is God, I'm pretty certain.

That's still the struggle, especially later at night when I'm home all alone and there's no one to talk to, or first thing when I wake up, because for some reason that seems to be when the stress and fear hits me the hardest. I don't know why. I just know it does. So I've tried praying more then, but it seems that I'll be praying right along, and all of a sudden I've taken a detour and am "what-if-ing" scenarios in my brain. I've always had a tough time holding a train of thought (I do believe I share some of my DD's ADHD tendencies), and it's especially tough right now, or sometimes there are just so many thoughts and they just won't shut off. And I'll apologize to God, and get back to my prayer focus, and then I'm off on another tangent and back to worrying about the future again.

I have to admit, I don't seem to have the problem holding onto the past like some people do. This is probably why I'm not particularly apprehensive about getting into relationships or even getting married. I'm not hung up on past hurts and wrongs. What's done is done--can't change it. But I have all these hopes for a future--experiencing things I never experienced in the past (the biggie being a Christian marriage). And that's probably not right either.

Wow, just wrote way too much.

[color:"blue"] But a question for anyone reading this. Okay, if I'm sabotaging my relationship with BF (which I don't deny, though it's totally not intentional!), how or what can I do to stop doing that or to possibly resurrect it (especially when he says he's in "shut-down" mode which can't be good, and is obviously by how the "hon's" an "babe's" and "xxoo's" have stopped appearing in his emails to me over the last week.)
[/color]

LL

You have made this relationship into a pattern of "distancer/pursuer" - the more you pursue, the more he will distance. Like so many have told you for so long - you are absolutely smothering him with the e-mails, calls, and "what will happen" questions.

You have the ability to change this pattern, by distancing yourself. You do not need a daily phone call, you do not need a phone call to last an hour, you do not need reassurances from him.

You need to become self sufficient again, as someone who is needy and desperate and smothering is extremely unattractive.

You need to stop calilng him.

When you two talk, you can be nice and sweet, but do not be obsessive or smothering. Ask about his day, ask about his paper, and say "goodnight".

You have to do these things, it's as simple as that.

AGG

I'm so sorry, LL...

Will tell you this though, although no word (from me, moreover, from anyone else here) penetrates your... obssession.

All I have said unfortunately looks right.
I would just add: you have to work ALSO on your impatience...


LL, you are not ready to obey God's rules (the way YOU see them), it's so obvious.
And you have to accept that.

You also have to accept that you maybe will never be either...
And accept that too.


Listen to your words, LL.
It looks to me like 'trading'.
If you read this as someone else's words, how would that sound to you?
Not like faith, right?

And I told you earlier... the way you are doing this won't get you closer to God nor closer to your BF nor closer to "Christian Marriage"...

Please, please, work just on YOURSELF, put aside your relationship with God or with your BF.
Once YOU know who YOU ARE and where you want to be, once you are READY to realize that, just then you can make some decisions that you can peacefully live with.

It's not a lot different than a spouse that's in withdrawal, except a SO has even less motivation to change.

But ultimately, bringing about change is choice. Personal choice. Personal confession of the positive, and stop dwelling on the negative. (Bringing every thought into captivity, from 1 cor somewhere I think).

And when the negative thought hits, you have to consciously choose to not accept it, and instead stay something positive. Even if it's just "I'm going to get throught this just fine". And start doing things that re-enforce a positive and desireable outcome, as well as creating a positive "self-image" that would be attractive to the possibly XBF.

It's not an issue of "the power of positive thinking" so much as the choice of changing your perspective. \

It's like getting saved. Nothing forces you, you have to make the choice deep down inside. Same thing here with gainign some perspective on where you're at. You need to make the choice that it's not going to control you.

It won't be easy, but it will be doable.

Just for the record, I'm guessing he's now my XBF. While I did try and call last night as always, I was going to do the "short phone call" thing that was suggested--just ask him about his day, wish him well on his paper this weekend, and tell him I was going to bed.

But his phone was off. That's very rare. So I left a message, "Hi, it's me. Just calling to check in and see how your day went. Give me a call if you want later. Bye."

No call back. That's a first.

LL

Gosh, LL, I know you don't know me and I haven't posted to you, but I've read your story and I felt compelled to post.

Please listen to all these kind people. You've gotten some excellent advice. You have got to somehow find it in yourself to leave him alone for a bit. You've got to give him some space. The fact that he felt he had to turn his phone off doesn't mean he's your XBF, it means he knows your patterns and new you wouldn't be able to give him space, so he took matters into his own hands! Give him time to think, to process and you do the same. You made your decision based on your faith, now give him time for him to decide what he wants to do. It's only fair! Stop panicking and pray for strength. LL, I have to be honest. If someone dropped what I perceived to be a bomb on me, and I told them repeatedly I needed time and space to think and they continued to hound me (I don't mean that unkindly), I would run for the hills. It reeks of desperation and insecurity (again, don't mean to be harsh). Would you want to be w/ someone who seemed desperate and insecure and constantly apologetic for standing up for what they believe?

Try to do something nice for yourself today, even if it's just buying yourself a new lipstick, or taking a walk, or going to your local coffee house w/ a good book and splurge on a nice holiday latte!

Be kind to yourself

DW

DW,

Funny, I actually found myself reading your thread last night for the first time, before you posted here, and almost posted to you as well. I just wasn't sure I had any great advice. All I can do is tell you that I'm struggling with a relationship that seems to be on it's deathbed, and although I've only been with him for 5 months, it was an awesome 5 months and I'm having an extremely difficult time adjusting, as you can tell from my thread.

I am reading and rereading the advice on here, and praying, and trying to keep myself occupied. I admit, last night after he didn't call (more on that in a sec), I did have to resort to taking 1/4 of one my Xanax tablets to calm down (which granted is a tiny dose, considering the entire tablet is just .25mg and I can take 3/day if I really need to). I hate to rely on tranquilizers--I feel like it takes away from God's ability to calm me. But I just wasn't calming. And I took another 1/4 of one when the dogs woke me in the middle of the night. It's just very difficult for me--to let go and trust God to work this out, to accept that because of how I believe, I may be alone forever (I have no doubt that if I was a willing physical participant and set my mind to it, I could be married to someone within a couple years just like the 80% of divorcees who remarry within 3 years of their DV). I never felt any sort of calling whatsoever to be single forever. Temporarily (defined as a couple years), fine. Forever--single, celibate, no physical relationship with a man ever again, after experiencing what it is like and knowing what I am missing--that is hard to stomach!

-----------------------------------------------------------

As for BF/XBF(?): I turned off my cell phone last night at about 10pm because he hadn't called, his phone was off, and I couldn't sleep because I just kept lying there waiting for it to ring and it was driving me nuts. I knew he didn't want to talk to me.

So, this morning I turned it back on. There was no message from him--further evidence in my mind that he had chosen not to call me.

I got in to work this morning (I'm MOD today--not what I wanted to do with my Saturday, but it does keep me occupied) and at about 10am my phone rang. It was him...

He said he was letting his phone charge while he watched the football game last night, and got my message and tried to call my cell last night after the game was over. Couldn't get me, so tried my home phone which I didn't hear (it's downstairs), and I didn't answer that either. So he said, "I thought maybe you were mad at me or something."

So he obviously waited until he thought I was up this morning (he forgot I had to work and knows I'm not an early riser on Saturdays) and called me.

We didn't talk long, and didn't talk about much but a football game last night. I still have no idea where we stand, and still my gut (or my pessimistic attitude coupled with his continued spiral into shut-down mode) says we'll probably not make it.

But should I take this as hope that he still cares? Or is that living in fantasy land and not reality?

LL

The safest way to take it, is that he cares about you, as a sweet, lovable person that you are. And don't read anymore into than the fact that he cared enough to call you and chit-chat about the football game. LL, you are VERY lucky that he is talking to you as much as he is. MANY men (all the ones I deal with!) run into their cave in situations like these, and don't communicate this much. Again... you can hope... but don't obsess.

I did the coolest thing today. Our Singles' class at church went to help at a house that our Church is remodeling for a needy family - kindof like Extreme Home Makeover. I painted (inside) for about 5 hours today. It was cold!!! It felt GREAT to do something like that! Wow! I've never done that before... well... I have done a Habitat house once before, but it's been a long time ago.

hehe... sorry for rambling. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/laugh.gif" alt="" />

Lordslady, I think God wants us to be honest with Him - and with ourselves. If you want something, I see nothing wrong with praying for it.

However, if you are going to talk to God about it, are you willing to listen to Him too? And what else are you praying for? I have found that when I truly seek God, wanting to be closer to Him and more in line with His will, trying to see through His eyes, my "need" for what I started out praying for sometimes changes. I become more aware of what I want it for, which may either diminish its importance to me, or boost my confidence in asking. I think it's really about giving it up to God and trusting that He will do what is best for all concerned.

Admittedly, it is not simple either to "give it up to God" or to trust that "what is best for all concerned" is going to feel like that for me personally. Sometimes it seems like one person is going to get have to get sacrificed in order for others to be blessed, and I have an irrational expectation that that person is going to be me. Furthermore, it is easier to sacrifice when you know what you are sacrificing for, and it's hard to feel good about being hammered when you see no good coming out of it.

Lordslady, I can definitely relate to your experience that "it seems like each time I've prayed for something that was really big...it's crashed. So by habit, my brain automatically wants to believe that this will crash, too." Yep, I've watched prayers answered for other people - including my own - but when it comes to asking for something for myself, I have been conditioned to believe that the more I want it the less chance there is that I will get it. It's like God will come through with the little blessings, but I don't rate the big ones.

And the sad thing is that, looked at by themselves, those "little blessings" are more than most people in the world ever hope to experience. So it seems ungrateful to ask for more. But I believe God wants us to come to Him with our desires, and He delights in granting them when they will do good and not ill. The more we conform ourselves to His perspective, the more often He will be able to do this.

As David wrote - and look how much trouble he went through in his life! - "Take delight in the Lord, and He will give you your heart's desires. Commit everything you do to the Lord. Trust him, and He will help you." (Psalm 37:4-5) And as his son wrote, "Trust in the Lord with all your heart; do not depend on your own understanding. Seek His will in all you do, and He will direct your paths. Don't be impressed with your own wisdom. Instead, fear the Lord and turn your back on evil." (Proverbs 3:5-7)

You see, it's not unusual to have a skewed or inadequate understanding of what's going on in life. It's not such a big deal (although the anxiety caused by all that confusion is unpleasant). But we are called to trust in spite of what our head tells us is foolish and hopeless. That is merely our own understanding. The trusting comes not so much in a feeling of confidence, but in throwing ourselves along with all we do and desire into God's hands anyhow.

Well LL, I think the fact that you turned your phone off instead of trying to call him again is progress for YOU personally and a step in the right direction. So what if you had to take a pill? It's the small steps that count and you didn't call him in the morning either! Good. Progress. Give him his space. It's all he's asking right now.

Now, try something else....for every negative thought you have about yourself or about your situation, think one positive thought. You might find it helps.

*hugs*
DW

gnome's advice is very good, as usual. But just for clarity, I wasn't advising LL to be "dishonest" with God. Yes, He wants to know our hearts, and actually, He knows our hearts, regardless of what we pray. right? <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" /> So, my advice, was more for LL's focus and anxiety... that she can do very little about the behavior and attitudes of the people around her, yet many of her wishes and wants seem to center around other people (her daughter, her BF, her H when she was married, etc). It's fine to pray, wish, and want things concerning others, but when we take the primary focus off of them, and try to focus what things we CAN change, ourselves, we can achieve more balance... more control... and more peace. Success, serenity, and balance in life doesn't depend on what happens to us, it depends on how we handle it.

I'm in a very good Bible study (it's called "Disciple", if anyone is interested, and has an opportunity to take the class). I am learning sooooo much. Last week, we studied some of the Psalms. I never knew much about them! They are filled with SO MANY HUMAN EMOTIONS! Joy, thanksgiving, anger, despair, hopelessness, fear... and so many more. So, yes gnome, you are right. We can pray anything to God - He wants to hear it. But you are also right in the quotes you gave... no matter what trials and emotions we experience... God is steadfast and ALWAYS there... never-changing... always loving us and wanting the best for us.

Check in with us LL. How are you?

- just got this on an e-mail thought for the day <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" /> , from a Melody Beattie book, 52 Weeks of Conscious Contact

LL,
For some reason today I was listening to country music on my way into work and a lyric made me think of you and I wanted to share it:
God doesn't give us a mountain we can't climb...so keep that in mind!
Also received this email:

Let it go... By T. D. Jakes

There are people who can walk away from you.

And hear me when I tell you this! When people can walk away from you: let them walk.
I don't want you to try to talk another person into staying with you, loving you, calling you, caring about you, coming to see you, staying attached to you. I mean hang up the phone.

When people can walk away from you let them walk. Your destiny is never tied to anybody that left.

The Bible said that, they came out from us that it might be made manifest that they were not for
us. For had they been of us, no doubt they would have continued with us. [1 John 2:19]

People leave you because they are not joined to you. And if they are not joined to you, you can't make them stay.

Let them go.

And it doesn't mean that they are a bad person it just means that their part in the story is over. And you've got to know when people's part in your story is over so that you don't keep trying to raise the dead. You've got to know when it's dead.

You've got to know when it's over. Let me tell you something. I've got the gift of good-bye. It's the tenth spiritual gift, I believe in good-bye. It's not that I'm hateful, it's that I'm faithful, and I know whatever God means for me to have He'll give it to me. And if it takes too much sweat I don't need it. Stop begging people to stay.

Let them go!!

If you are holding on to something that doesn't belong to you and was never intended for your life, then you need to......

LET IT GO!!!

If you are holding on to past hurts and pains ......

LET IT GO!!!

If someone can't treat you right, love you back, and see your worth.....

LET IT GO!!!

If someone has angered you ........

LET IT GO!!!

If you are holding on to some thoughts of evil and revenge......

LET IT GO!!!

If you are involved in a wrong relationship or addiction......

LET IT GO!!!

If you are holding on to a job that no longer meets your needs or talents

LET IT GO!!!

If you have a bad attitude.......

LET IT GO!!!

If you keep judging others to make yourself feel better......

LET IT GO!!!

If you're stuck in the past and God is trying to take you to a new level in Him......

LET IT GO!!!

If you are struggling with the healing of a broken relationship.......

LET IT GO!!!

If you keep trying to help someone who won't even try to help themselves......

LET IT GO!!!

If you're feeling depressed and stressed .........

LET IT GO!!!

If there is a particular situation that you are so used to handling yourself and God is saying "take your hands off of it," then you need to......

LET IT GO!!!

Let the past be the past. Forget the former things. GOD is doing a new thing NOW!!!

LET IT GO!!!

Get Right or Get Left…think about it, and then.

LET IT GO!!!

"The Battle is the Lord's!"

So what is going on ??? How are you doing???

First, responses to all you guys/gals:

Faith,

Regarding focusing on me rather than on others. I think I understand what you're saying. It's just a hard thing for me. I'm one who is concerned (read: worries) about others' lives. And from there it's always a struggle because in my mind I know I can't change them, but in my heart I want so badly for things to be different.

As for "surrender", that is such a difficult thing for me. And it's especially difficult right now because I'm feeling very alone where it comes to others who share my beliefs.

I don't always listen to Christian music, but there is a song by Rich Mullins--I actually can't think of the exact name, but I have it on a CD and it is SO applicable to my life sometimes. Some of the words in the chorus are "Hold me Jesus. I'm shaking like a leaf. You have been king of my glory; won't you be my prince of peace."

It goes on to talk about how surrender doesn't come naturally to him and that he finds he fights God for things he doesn't really even want rather than taking what God gives that he needs. That is SO much like me.

But I've spent time praying that God will help ME get MY act together, and give ME strength. It's just not really happening yet.

Drita,

Along those same "surrender" lines. Wow, I wish I had the gift of "good bye" that the person in your post has. It is very, very difficult for me to give up on anything. I guess I just want so much to believe that they can change--that they can work out. Maybe I live in the fairytale land where things always work out for the best, but I want to believe they can. I get so tired of them not working.

Anyway, several of those "let it go" statements hit home. I'm just not sure I'm ready to let go yet.

DW,

I just wish it was easier for me to back off and let him do his thing, and wait for his calls and stuff. I did let him call me last night. But it wasn't easy to wait on that call. And he's not feeling well, so we only talked 10 minutes which was also not easy, but I didn't push.

However, it seems each time I try and think positive, something negative jumps out and shoots it down. More on that below.

GNP,

Yes, I am praying, and I am trying to listen. But this is where things are getting difficult. I'm not sure it's God's voice I'm hearing right now or my own messed-up emotions.

But this morning, I woke up with worse anxiety than I've had in a few days (went to bed with it, actually, and it didn't go away). The thoughts going through my mind:

* Am I really "saved"? Because even though I've had many periods in my life when I truly just knew that Jesus died for me and I was trusting him for my salvation, now I'm all caught up in this right/wrong thing and it seems I'm taking a dive over to the legalistic side of things which is wrong.

It's a big catch-22 and one that is rather difficult to explain. I think to myself that I need to let go of worrying about what's right or wrong and just trust completely in Jesus to save me, but then I know I can't keep on sinning because the bible says that if we're really saved, we won't continue in deliberate sin. So then I try and stop sinning, and I get into the legalism again because it's ME trying to save myself by my actions instead of just trusting Jesus. But if I were really saved, it would seem that I wouldn't be even struggling with these sexual sin issues.

And a fear even bigger than losing my BF would be not being God's child. I am terrified of being eternally separated from God.

Okay, that's one thing that keeps running through my brain. The other is this: What if my BF (or whatever he is--we're still "on hold" as far as I know) is not really a Christian? What if I'm in love with someone who is not a believer after all? This means I need to drop him like a hot potato, which breaks my heart on two levels. One--I don't want to let him go Two--I can't stand to think of him not being saved.

When we met initially, we had several spiritual discussions and the things he said were all right. And it's not that he leads this totally hedonistic life. But there is no bible in his apartment. We have never prayed together (not that I've asked). When we talk about sinning, and I mention that I feel guilt and have to ask for forgiveness, he just says I'm too guilt-ridden. He maintains that he's "very comfortable with his faith". But how can you be a Christian, be very comfortable with your faith, and still have no issue with pre-marital sex when the bible so clearly has many, many warnings about it? And he's not going to church very often right now. And he told me a while back that while he's fine with me using my pastors for support with my issues, now that they know what's going on, he can't go to my church with me anymore.

It's like there's this voice saying, "He's not Christian. You must let him go." But then again, I've had these voices tell me not to get on an airplane because it could crash, and that's just my fear of flying talking. I'm darned confused at this point.

You made a statement that I can 100% indentify with:


And it's very hard to hash all this over when I feel like I'm the lone Christian out there. Not much family support. Not like I can have biblical discussions with coworkers. Still, over a week later, neither of the pastors' wives at my church who said they were going to take turns calling me have called, nor have either of the pastors. I have to call them and hope it's a convenient time to talk, which I've not done since last Thursday because I feel I'm becoming a burden.

So I go on line and look for answers to my biblical questions, and of course that is DANGEROUS because things are all over the board. You have one side who believes that we all sin daily and that it's all just about trusting Jesus. You have the opposite side who say if one is truly saved, they may sin on rare occasions but it won't be habit and it won't be deliberate, because once saved, the Holy Spirit gives you the ability to free yourself from sin. Okay, well I'm NOT there, so this is also scary.

And so I just go round and round. This is just one of the zillion reasons I so desire to be with a Christian husband. Last night when I was struggling (of course I would even be struggling with a couple of these issues if I were married), I could have bounced the ideas off my husband, we could have prayed together, because that's part of being a Christian couple. But as it is, I just feel alone, I feel like I'm a bother to my pastors and their wives, and no one else in the circle of people I know share my beliefs on the whole pre-marital sex issue.

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The latest update from me:

BF(?) called me again on Saturday afternoon wanting to know what time I got off work. He wanted me to come over and help him with his paper because he was really struggling trying to redo it.

Against better judgement, I found someone to watch my dogs (my DD is still gone so being there for her wasn't an issue) and I went over to his place Saturday night and ended up not coming home until early Monday morning in time for work.

We did work on the paper, and we did watch some football. We didn't go to church (though I knew in advance that we wouldn't because we were to work on the paper that morning). However, he DID find time to watch 3 hours of football Sunday afternoon. (I enjoy football--not an issue there--but sort of a priorities thing.)

And overall, we got along okay, though no mention has been made of when we might next see each other, if at all, and no mention was made as to if we're a couple or not yet.

BUT....the big issue. He did somewhat Saturday night but moreso Sunday morning blow through some of my boundaries. We didn't technically take it all the way in the most traditional sense. But we went way further then what we should have, and way further than what I know is right. The no-hands-below-the-waist boundary, while he adhered to it with me fairly well...I found myself being subtly led to violate that with him which finally resulted in him, uh, experiencing that release of frustration and tension that he's been complaining about. So, from the technical standpoint...is it or isn't it fornication? I don't know. But I'm pretty well convinced in my mind that it wasn't right and that it was further by far than we should have gone, and now I'm experiencing that guilty "did I sin deliberately" feeling again. And I've not talked with him about it because he's still got this darned paper hanging over his head, and until that's done and in (or he just gives up on it and eats the $1,300 he paid for the class), he's not going to be able to process any other thoughts very well. It's got him totally stressed out.

And Sunday night we did fine...but then again, he was starting to come down with a sore throat and wasn't feeling very well. That night, we just sat snuggled up against each other watching the Surviver finale, and then we snuggled in our PJ's and slept.

Since I've been home, we've emailed once to each other and he called me for 10 minutes last night.

My email to him, while short, did say that I enjoyed my weekend with him and that I had missed him, and wished there were something else I could do to help him but had to go home to work.

His response, also short, talked about the paper but then went on to say:

"Anyway, it was good to see you this weekend. You certainly provided a calming influence in the middle of a major storm for me. Thank you. I'll leave it at that for now and get back to the teaching and more thinking about the paper."

I of course interpreted this to mean, "thanks for coming--it took my mind off things--but I'm not committing to anything with you yet at this point." And so that has furthered my thoughts on him just using me.

But may be I'm misinterpreting his statement and he meant he was just not going to write more because he was busy and needed to get back to the paper.

Anyway, that's today's update from your guilt-ridden, confused, anxiety-prone LL. I really am seriously considering my financial situation and how I might be able to seek some Christian counseling.

LL

LL, let me ask you a serious question, are you 'teachable'? Think about that, you have received some wonderful advice from Christians here, are you 'teachable'? If the 'Christian Counselor' says, "LL, once again it looks like BF(?) has disrespected your boundaries and led you places you didn't want to go, now LL, what are you going to do about this continual disrespect?" What will you say?

As to your fears of deliberate sin this weekend, I would definately lean towards the side that you where led to sin, so what does that say about BF(?) and what are you going to do about it?

Recovering alcoholics avoid alcohol, us repentant sinners are suppose to avoid even the appearance of sin, so how do you plan on doing that?

I don't even know what to say... You went against your boundaries that you set up??? You may or may not have been led - but again are these really your boundaries - or do you just think they should be your boundaries - because as far as I can tell - you do something then you feel bad about - so why do it ?? or Why feel bad about ??? You are 40 years old.... You can make your own decisions.... Because if I was your boyfriend and you started freaking about this again - I would think ok enough already...

LH,

Yes, I'm very torn. I think I was led to sin. But then again, no one held the gun to my head. I went along willingly. I just didn't start it. I have been perfectly content with kissing and hugging and just being close. The problem has been that he tries more, and because I love him and want so much to be with him, it's very hard to say "no".

I am very confident that I won't go to the ultimate act. But the acts I went to, at the moment they were happening I didn't see as "fornication" but now I'm thinking maybe they were. At a minimum, it was serious lust on his part.

Am I teachable. I'm truly thinking that I'm not, and sometimes I feel like just throwing up my hands and giving up.

And furthermore, on the avoiding sin issue--that's the one that really stumps me. I really am big on physical affection. When I'm with someone I care deeply about, I want to be close. And this is going to maybe sound bad and I don't mean it to, but I'm starting to find with guys that apparently they're attracted to me, and it's hard for them not to want to be physical with me because of that. So it's like, do I run around in a burlap sack with my hair all a mess and no makeup just to not be attractive? Do I not date?

I'm seriously thinking that in today's day and age, where nobody seems to share my beliefs, that dating is just not even going to work for me, and that I should seclude myself from men and just totally hang around woman, and work very hard to never think about hugs, kisses, a partner to share my life with, physical intimacy (sex) or anything of that nature. And that's NOT how I'm wired.

And so that's my struggle with God--that I wanted to remain in my first marriage--I wanted it to work. I wanted to be able to be obedient to God and remain married, and I wanted the benefits that come from being married--one of which was to be able to enjoy myself physically with my husband in a setting that was permissible in God's eyes. By a choice other than my own, I am not with my husband anymore.

And now I feel like God is saying, "LL, you are a sinner. You don't deserve to be with anyone. Your destiny is to be alone for the rest of your life."

Maybe it's because I was unfaithful in my marriage, and that although my ex knew about the first time and chose to take me back, I never told him about the second time. I repented and I hoped he'd never find out because I wanted so much for us to have our marriage. I've wondered if that actually means that I was the one who caused the DV, and if it's ME that needs to stay single for the rest of my life, and if my ex is actually the one who is free to remarry in God's eyes.

I truly am sick again today. I was better, but after all this thinking about sinning and how not to sin, and what it may mean for me...it's all making me very sick. It's very hard to give things up and not see anything good come of it. All I can see is giving up someone who makes me feel very good and peaceful when we're together in exchange for a very lonely, frustrating, struggling existence. It's not even like I can say, "Oh well, if I get through this, there are plenty of fish in the sea. I'll meet the right guy."

No, my fish are very, very limited. And because I desire the physical closeness, I'm going to struggle forever with dating. And because most "christians" believe sex outside marriage is not wrong, and is in fact sort of expected after a point and because there aren't very many good Christian dating books for 40-ish divorcees who wish to stay celibate while dating, I feel like I'm just being tossed in the waves sometimes.

LL

Maw,


And this is my fear. Because I let him do what he did, now he's going to expect it. And I can't continue to do it. So now I have to address it, and remind him of what my boundaries were. And yep, especially with the 30-page paper stress that has him about over the edge, he's probably going to just throw up his hands.

Where do I even begin?

Woohoo--happy holidays...

LL