First of all I would like to think everyone on this forum for sharing their stories. It has been very therapeutic for me and helps me with the ups and downs I have been facing.

A little background my WW and I have been married for 3 ½ years. We have two children 6 and 2. The 6 year old is my step.

We got married and almost immediately quit our jobs and moved several hours from her family so she could go to grad school. Ever since then she has been complete stress. I have worked and taken care of the kids while she has dealt with the incredible demands of grad school.

Since the day we got married it has been a rocky road I think due to the stress of our situation. I can see now that the lack of time away from the kids and my focus on work has led to what has happened.

My D-Day as you all call it was Dec. 3rd. My case is not unlike many here. I started getting suspicious that she was hiding something about a month ago when I noticed she was looking over her shoulder and typing in her email password. Something she had not kept a secret before.

That night I stayed up after she went to bed and tried the password I had known for ever. Not surprisingly it did not work. The next day a confronted her and got the typical, you don’t need to know every thing. I let it go at this point knowing there was something wrong but not yet suspecting an affair because she is with me every night and did not ever leave earlier than she was supposed to.

About a week later I confronted her again because I could just not let it go. She looked me directly in the eye and told me that she was not hiding anything that would make me mad. Being naive I took it that she was telling me the truth.

By the end of November it was just eating me up so I figured out how to get into her email.

After a few days of monitoring I saw three emails that confirmed my suspicions that something was going on. One from another student who asked about her friendship with another male student and two on Friday the day before D-Day.

The first was to him said something to the effect that she was coming over to his building to drop off her equipment. The second asking if he was mad at her because he had barely talked to her when dropping off the equipment.

This was enough to convince me there was an emotional affair even though I did not know that was what it was called at the time.

So Friday evening I confronted her again about the email password not telling her what I knew. She of course tried to make me feel guilty and told me I was overreacting. I just kept telling her over and over again that if she had nothing to hide she would could me why she changed her password. It ended with me telling her that I was sleeping on the couch until she told me and that if it went on long enough I would be forced to divorce her.

The next day she kept trying to make small talk and I simply told her it was not going away.

Later that night she told me she was going to tell me the truth. She made up some bs story about some unwanted emails from another student who was trying to get with her.

I lost it at this point. I told her to tell me about her relationship with the OM. She continued to deny they were anything but friends. At that point I told her I knew more than she thought I did. She still would not give it up.

I could not control my rage any longer. I unfortunately punched a hole in the wall and proceeded to leave.

She came out after me begging me to stay telling me she would tell me the truth.

What followed was what I think to be a tearful full confession over that night and the next day that consisted of an emotional affair and a physical affair that consisted of lots of talking (claims she did not complain about our marriage) and 8 make out sessions that included some heavy petting and him fingering her on one occasion. Where she genuinely seemed sorry and begged me not to leave her.

She claimed the affair to be over as of the Thursday before I found out and that is why he was mad at her on Friday. She said that the affair has nothing to do with me and it was because he was someone she would normally be attracted to because she got along well with him and he was flirty.

She tells me that even though she will see him three days a week she will not have any problem doing anything inappropriate and that she will not be friendly at all with him. She also promised to do anything to earn my trust back. I have a hard time believing she will not be tempted and that she is downplaying her feelings for him.

I told her over the next two days that I was not sure if I was going to leave her or not.

After reading this site all day on Monday I decided that I was going to try and work it out.

I directed her to the portion of this site which deals with recovering from an affair. She has not read it yet.

Since Monday she has been pretty good about calling me several times a day to let me know what she is doing although she agitated about having to do it. And in the evenings she has made an effort to spend time with me and cuddle although at times she does seem distant.

We have planned to go on a day Friday.

Last night however she came home extremely agitated and pretty much picked at me about little things I was doing wrong regarding cooking supper etc. This is pretty normal for her whenever she is in a bad mood. In the past I would have fought back and told her to shut up or leave or something to that effect but I just took it and tried to be nice to her. By supper time I just had to get up and go to the bathroom so I did not cry in front of the kids. She apologized and was nice to me the rest of the evening.

This morning however she told me that my tossing and turning was annoying and that she thought that I should sleep on the couch until I could sleep better. I lost it. I told her how insensitive it was and that it is her fault I could not sleep.

I still don’t feel right about it but apologized anyway. She did the same.

She is going shopping today by herself which worries me. I invited her to lunch, and she accepted but I am not sure if she really wanted to.

I am still doing detective work to see if they are still carrying on but I am not sure what good that would do as they would likely hide it better and I don’t know what I would do if I found anything anywys.

So here I am halfway following plan A. I did not out them because she is on her third of four rotations. As of the third week of January he will be several sates away. Unfortunately she will be three hours from me so our only contact besides phone will be on the weekends.

Over Christmas we are going to visit my family and to look at houses. We are planning on moving halfway across the country to be near my family. We are also in talks with lawyers to move my step with us. Her father is opposed to the move.

This would obviously not be something good to be out in the open or to follow plan B.

I mostly wrote this for myself but I would also like thoughts and feedback to how I am handling this.

Welcome to marriagebuilders. I'm happy you found us. Plan A is the starting point. It sounds like you are doing that. Be sure to eliminate the LB's and punching holes in the wall.

She needs to have complete no contact with him. That is absolutely essential. Ask her to write a no contact letter to him, and you send it.

I would hold up on moving your daughter in with you. There are too many problems in your marriage right now. Leave her with her father for now.

Sorry, I wasn't clear my step daughter currently lives with us and has for 4 years. Her father is three hours away right now but does not want us to move her out of state.

Okay, I misunderstood that. If she has been living with you, that is completely different.

Wow, your wife sure made a mess here.

Do you think she will write a no contact letter? For me, that is the litmus test of how serious they are about recovery. If she refuses, and says there is no point, or doesn't want to "hurt" him, then you know that she is not ready to work on the marriage.

The letter should state that her relationship with the OM was a big mistake, and she loves you and is working on your marriage, and does not want to hear from him again for any reason.

I have not asked her to write a no contact letter at this point because it would mean her having to through away 8 years of school, not to mention the amount of school loans we have. Also, he will be several states away for good after the third week of January.

I did think of another question. In most of the cases I have read the WW does not want the cuddling etc. I wonder if she is genuine or she is wanting her cake and to eat it too.

Who knows? She may be sorry that she got in this mess.

I'm glad that you only have to put up with this situation for another month or so. I would talk to her calmly and let her know that it is very hurtful to you when she has contact with the OM.

Also, try to make the changes you can make in yourself. Check out the emotional needs questionnaire and be sure you are meeting her top ones.

My FWW said the EXACT same thing on D-day. As time went on I discovered that they went all the way. Don't be surprised if she is holding back info. It is very common as you will read on this board.



Also, very common. Most WS that are either still in the fog or have too much shame to come on right away.

Already ahead of you on that one. Told her that I didn't want her being friendly with him at all and that it will tear me apart every time she goes to school.

I have also tried to step up on the emotional needs.

Lunch seemed to go good. She held my hand. Told me she enjoyed herself and even gave me a couple of kisses.

It seems genuine but I still have me doubts which is probably a good thing.

Mr HurtE

I think it will get worse for you when the time comes closer for OM to leave. WW will then get a little panicy b/c WW knows she will lose OM. You have to win and or convince WW that BS is the man for her.

My WW got way deep in the fog that last few days before she had to move back to where we live. I did not know what was going on then, if I found MB then well who knows.

What does the other people think about exposure? Make it difficult for OM.

Van.

I guess I am a lucky one if there is such a thing in this situation.

I noticed on Friday that on Thursday she had contact with him via cell phone. I confronted her about it. She swore that he called her and she told him to leave her alone.

I told her that I would have to talk to him to believe her.

I called him and he gave the exact same story. His wife also knows now due to my call. So I can say that it will take me a long time to get over this I can say a terrific weight has been lifted off my shoulders.

Did you talk to OMW?

Yes. I called him and told him that I needed to know about the last time he talked to my wife.

He asked for a few min. She is the one who called back.

Good, it will now be harder for the A to continue.

I am having a bad week. Since this has happened my wife has been wonderful to me but I still have this feeling that I cannot trust her especially since we got back from vacation.

She spends a lot of time with me with a lot of hugging and comforting when I feel sad. She says sorry all the time. The anger we had towards each other before this happened is mostly gone. She still gets irritated with me but instead of picking/yelling she communicates her frustration which is great. On vacation, most of it was great but towards the end she got kind of distant. We looked at houses and she seemed genuinely interested in finding a floor plan that we like so we can purchase when we move.

On the way back from vacation I started to feel sad again because I knew she would be back in contact with him again. I have felt bad ever since.

On Tuesday night she asked if I would be mad if she went to lunch with three or four people from clinic. I told her that if one of them was the OM I did (I knew that is what she was getting at but she would not admit it).

I told her that any contact with him other than what was required to do her job was too much and that after this is over with I would accept nothing less than no contact with him whatsoever ever again. She said that was fair.

That is when the fog talk started. She said how hard it is because he is her friend, how she loves me but not in love with me, and how she wishes she didn’t feel so strongly for him or that I wasn’t so nice to her. But she also said if we got a divorce she feels it would be the biggest mistake of her life and she can’t imagine life without me.

I talked to her about how she thought her relationship with him would be with the stresses of life kids, bills, etc. And if she remembered the feelings she had for me when we first met (She told her friend she was going to marry me the night she met me). She just listened.

Since then it has been worse for me than the initial discovery. Even though I knew she loved him she never admitted it before that night and it hit me like a ton of bricks.

I want to trust her and I have pretty much no choice. I know the email and cell calls have stopped but they are still at clinic together all day.

I am so confused. What should I do trust? Pry more?

I thought he was leaving or you were moving.

It is ESSENTIAL that they have no contact.

We still have two more weeks before the move she absolutly has to have contact with him for theese two weeks. I am basicly having trouble getting through theese two weeks and obviously dont want them to continue the affair until the move.

Okay, you can make it two weeks. Keep doing what you are doing. It is difficult, but you will make it. Watch for "goodbyes", and try to cut them off.

2x4 coming Hurt. Be prepared.

This guy is going to continue to have sex with your wife. She's going to let him. Why? Because the affair hasn't ended. No affair has even begun to end until there is NO CONTACT, ever, never, nada, permanently. Don't fool yourself about this. He's scoring with YOUR WIFE. How big a deal is that to you?

2x4 over.

NOW...how can you help her establish NC forever? If this guy isn't moving or quitting then SHE will have to. TODAY would be a good day for that to happen. I think it's time for you to expose to her work, parents, friends, etc. If she's not going to stick to NC then you MUST expose in a big, big way.

Not trying to be mean but this is reality check time bro.

She needs to take vacation or a leave of absence for the next two weeks then.