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Cherished,
What does he feel you aren't willing to do?
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Hi Cherished,
I'm glad you are still posting. I've thought about what is going on with you and didn't want to loose touch. I'm loosing what little shread of hope I had when I filed. I guess there is a little hope still though. The main thing is how much more peace we have in this new house. My son is happy and I feel stronger every day. I am still amazed at the answer to prayer for this house so quickly. I closed on Wed. I can't believe I got a loan either but I did. I don't even have a regular job.
Are you still going to San Francisco next week? Our plane reservations are made for our week long trip to California are made, but I have no idea if we will actually go or not. And if we go I am worried about it being very stressful for both of us.
Me (BS) 49
FWS 53
Married 8-14-97
PA 5-4 to 8-23-04
My kids S 13, D 23, D 27
His kids D 15, S 17, S 19, S 20, D 25, D 29
brennekerealty@hotmail.com
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Like yours, my marriage was bad before the affair. We had been fighting all the time and then I read the book The Dance of Anger. It talked a lot about how people enable others to act badly and the bad behavior keeps repeating itself. One incident for me that was very significant was when I was attacked by a mother cow and thought I was going to die. There had been an article in the newspaper about a woman killed by a cow just a few weeks before. I had been taking care of the calves on the farm and enjoyed doing it but we had a lot of arguments about the right way to do things. One morning I went in a pasture to feed a new born. Although research shows that new borns on a dairy farm are supposed to be taken away from their mother right away, my H usually left them for 12 hours or more. The calf was supposed to be fed its mothers colostrum in a bottle but he would give me the milk from the cow that had birthed the day before. Anyways, the mother cow came after me. She hit me repeatedly with her head up against a barbed wire fence till I passed out and fell to the ground. She steped on my leg and then backed off. I was able to crawl and then limp to safety but was terrified of the cows after that. I escaped with just bruses and a small cut and concussion but never fed calves again after that. To me the worst part was that my H knew that this cow as mean and had allowed be to go in with her anyways and that she wasn't sent to the auction after this incident. I am a city girl, raised in places like Los Angeles and Washington DC suburbs yet I jumped in and learned all about dairy farming and became his helpmate yet he would not take care of me. After this incident I started investing in realestate. I invested $35,000 in my first house and sold it for $55,000. I did it without his help but was he proud of me. No, he was critical. He felt like I had distanced myself from him which to some extent I guess I had. It's such a delicate dance to balance protection with vulnerability. Our relationship was always much more important to me than to him. When I stepped back he did not step toward me but back in the opposite direction. He had an affair instead of trying to work on our marriage. When I looked at literature or people suggested that he needed to move toward me I felt desperate and hopeless because I knew from experience that that wasn't going to happen. For a year and a half I was trying to force him to do the right things to save our marriage. I worked at it till I was exhausted. Then I gave him almost 6 months when I tried to let him do the right things on his own. It just wasn't happening. He can do a few things right, maybe enough to keep a little spark of hope alive, but the big picture doesn't add up to a loving relationship. Being away from him for the most part realy makes the tension between us so evident when we are together. Yesterday he brought me the 10 x 12 storage building that I had gotten built at our old house. I was very greatful to have it but of course it is bitter sweet because it further sepparates us. I also received paperwork from his lawyer yesterday where he has paid the retainer fee now. Of coures his lawyer will fight for the provisions of the prenup. The prenup has been a sore point for us our whole marriage. He had his lawyer draw it up 3 days before we were married and gave it to me the day before. I had no problem with our individual assets from before we were married remaining in each others hands and being passed down to our children but wanted it stipulated that after we were married that our assets would be joint. I did not sighn till the morning of our wedding after this clause was added. His interpretation was that since the farm was his before we got married and he worked on the farm that all his income was his and only what he chose to put into the family budget became ours. We are talking about a man who works over 100 hours a week and puts very little energy into anything else. My first glimpse of this problem came within the first year of our marriage when the farm checking account became large enough that he wanted to transfer $100,000 over to a savings account and opened one in his name alone. The fights we had before he added my name to this account. There were repeats of this attitude and behavior throughout our marriage. Hopefully, the judge will make a ruling on the interpretation of the prenup when we go to the preleminary hearing on March 15th. Idealy he would through the whole thing out since it was sighned on the day of our marriage. I will be ok regardless because of assets I have fought to have put in both of our names though.
I guess this has gotten realy long and I've written mostly about me. The attitude of care or lack of care is the same for both of us though and we just can't make our H care for us, they have to want to.
Me (BS) 49
FWS 53
Married 8-14-97
PA 5-4 to 8-23-04
My kids S 13, D 23, D 27
His kids D 15, S 17, S 19, S 20, D 25, D 29
brennekerealty@hotmail.com
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.... I thought I could fix it. If you look at Harley's post to me from earlier this week, it is about how it is Tom who has to fix things. That's what I see with you. You need to let your H be the one to come to you. Someone started a thread that said "BSs, be still." I think they're right. All my efforts were like thrashing in water when you are drowning. The effort to save the marriage has to come from the WS. You can have hope, you've let him know by moving that you won't stay in a M like you have been in, and now it's up to him. I hope LM returns -- he's very good at giving the truth to BSs like you and me.
With all the therapy we've been through, the best advice I think I got was from a woman who did a makeover for me at a cosmetics counter at a department store. She said, "If my husband had an affair, I think I'd back off and see what he does." Cherished, I think you've finally got it. Takes a while to get your mind and heart in sync so you can move forward, doncha think? Well it does. Most of us want t/b there sooner but we have to let ourselves sync up. It's not somethine we can rush or force ourselves t/d. L.
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Last edited by Cherished; 02/20/06 08:44 AM.
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Cherished,
Do you think you might have anxious arousability too? I'm not sure what that is exactly to tell you the truth but I have been thinking about it today. I had told Dr Harley about my having an anxiety attack and he said that it is something that is inherited. He said that my husband needs to make sure to listen carefully when I have a problem with something and that I would need to be sure to tell him when something struck me wrong because I would be likely to develope aversions easily if I didn't speak up. Is this the same thing? What are the treatments that were recomended for your child if it is relevent here? Dr. Harley said that I should make sure I stay warm. I have noticed that when I am most anxious I tend to get cold since he told me about this.
Me (BS) 49
FWS 53
Married 8-14-97
PA 5-4 to 8-23-04
My kids S 13, D 23, D 27
His kids D 15, S 17, S 19, S 20, D 25, D 29
brennekerealty@hotmail.com
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Last edited by Cherished; 02/21/06 06:42 PM.
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Cherished,
I think this may be very important. We need to find out as much as we can about this. I'm going to do an internet search to see what I can find out. Please let me know what valuable things you learn.
Me (BS) 49
FWS 53
Married 8-14-97
PA 5-4 to 8-23-04
My kids S 13, D 23, D 27
His kids D 15, S 17, S 19, S 20, D 25, D 29
brennekerealty@hotmail.com
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Ok I have done a little research and the best site I found was www.adaa.org. What I saw was that a feeling of lack of controle was basic to having a panic attack and was likely to result in avoidance of the circumstances that led up to the panic attack. I can certainly see this in me. In marriage, the church teaches women to be submissive to their husbands. The act of submission is the giving up of controle. Of corse there is submission to God and that doesn't give me panic attacks. I'm just trying to think this through and figure out how it fits in with my life. I don't think my H would be very supportive or helpful.
Me (BS) 49
FWS 53
Married 8-14-97
PA 5-4 to 8-23-04
My kids S 13, D 23, D 27
His kids D 15, S 17, S 19, S 20, D 25, D 29
brennekerealty@hotmail.com
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This is my last post to you...
It is my opinion that YOU have backed your husband in to a corner and no matter what he does it is wrong..
you can barely go a post without bringing up and telling people how he broke your arm..it is now carried in your tag it is once again your identifying mark in this world...
I am NOT saying what he did was right for a second...I in fact told you years ago to get out...but YOU stayed
...but it was years ago at this point and at some point it is you that has decide if you are VICTIM or a participant....
If your husband were to come upon this site and read these posts he would find NOTHING and I mean nothing good about himself...
not one sentence....
I think that if and when Tom does do anything good loving and healthy...it makes you mad...and that leads to more post after post villifying him and you have many going on....
and others that you jump in on ...
telling the story of a broken arm from years ago....
and how bad bad your husband is....
I am begining to think that TOM just might be TRYING to show some signs of being healthy and trying...
but you slam him down to the core every chance you get because the thought of truly healthy relationship even in the makings....makes you very nervous and scared...for it is in the poor me role that you find so much of your identity.....
every post is a magnified picture of how TOM does NOTHING and I do mean NOTHING right...
not a thing...
have I read that he does right..
all about tom did this and he did that .....
your words of full of disrespect in every instance that you two interact...
you have him by the gonads......
you offer NO value in him...
you offer no hope...
and so when you two run in to NORMAL marital issues...parenting issues....bad days...good days....anything...
you have no established base to work out anything...
but for him to be wrong, bad, and terrible no matter the approach....
his attempts to communicate will become more dramatic and feed right in to your belief that he is wrong...for you don't give him a chance...and when a person believes that they only have one shot at even being heard or reconized they will go for the jugular and the dramatic just to be heard on any level....
this is NOT marriage building
even your letting go....which is just you detaching without replacing with ANYTHING GOOD>>>>
if you expect the weekend away to be filled with deep long talks of connecting I think it will fail for you have established an environment in which he is doomed before he speaks...
I don't for a second condone the acts of his rage...
but nor do I condone your acts of perpetual punishment with no belief in it can get better....
good news is that this whole post is only my opinion...
you have no faith in your husbands ability to change...
you have no hope
and you do no acts to show him faith and hope...
you are not cherishing him at all.....
and if you believe he does not deserve to be cherished..
then end the chaos....
again cherished it's only my opinion...and you and i have enough posts over the years that I offer it as a plea to get in control of this out of control thought process and plan you are in.....
ARK
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Last edited by Cherished; 02/22/06 08:06 AM.
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Last edited by Cherished; 02/26/06 09:55 PM.
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Glad u 2 had a nice time. Not t/b 4gotten nor only in the past. U don't need a trip to bring back that spark.....heck...send him to the grocery store! LOL!! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/laugh.gif" alt="" />
Hugz,
L.
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Last edited by Cherished; 04/04/06 09:28 PM.
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