Post deleted by Cherished

I'm so sorry! {{{{{cherished}}}}} It's almost as if he's going along with your hourly requirement but then punishing you in a roundabout way with the emotional abuse. I wish I knew what to do to help!!

Post deleted by Cherished

This would be a boundary:

During our 15 hours per week, I want to feel that you want to be married to me - that you want to nurture and protect our marriage.

If I feel at any time, emotionally battered, put down, belittled in public, or other mean-spirited behaviors, I will cut our time short and allow you the task of dealing with how we get our 15 hours per week together.

And when our rolling average gets to zero, I'm no longer willing to TRY to be married or try for 15 hours per week.

I am asking for simple courtesy and respect that you would give another adult worthy of a relationship with you.

**************

The boundary needs to be no more abuse, MORE than time.

Time has no teeth, and essentially has no definitions as to "relationship building" time. He's using that time as a free-for-all for abuse.

KaylaAndy - I think he is beyond the point where she needs to "explain" that he shouldn't be verbally abusive to her. When he is, the best course is to remove herself - from the room, the house, the phone.

Cherished, if I remember correctly, you said you have supportive parents, and you have an education beyond high school. Have you called you parents, yet? I think that would be a very positive outlet for you to pursue. JMO.

Jennifer

Post deleted by Cherished

People who have these accomplishments should NOT be living in the perpetual town of Paxatawny that you are. You have already proven that you are capable of extraordinary accomplishments in this life.....I am going to NOT beat around the bush here. Lets stop playing the "nice" game.

1. Update your CV, register with a recruiter, call contacts
2. Put away money TONIGHT....move it to a separate account
3. Call your parents and let them know you are going to take them up on their offer to help you
4. TAKE back your dignity here Cherished. Your Husband has stopped respecting you years ago....you can live with that...but once you lose respect for yourself....well, then you have problems.

Please stop with this 15 hour nonsense and stop putting on the band-aids to these gaping flesh wounds.

Tom is not gonna change anytime soon (if ever). You losing 30 pounds is not gonna make him change. You spending 15 hours of artitifical time together is not gonna make him change.

Cherished, you have become an example of what we don't want to be in a marriage. Please, you don't want this for yourself. Stop the insanity.

Stop the "what if's"...and start dealing with the reality of your life. Your slowly killing your soul living in this toxic cesspool of dysfunction.

I think someday when your children have predictable failed relationships and your daughter marries someone like your husband Tom, then it will hit you. You have no idea what true pain is now. You'll live with your children's suffering on your soul.

It's your move. This is another day of life in Paxatawny. ONLY you can end it.

LM
2.

Yep, your husband is the least of your problems. But I have confidence that you will leave him when you've had enough. In the meantime, start working on your issues - the weight (diet or bypass), low self-esteem, etc. Get some boundaries too. It is not easy, but you can do it.

There is no reason you can't get a good job if that is what you choose to do. Your life is FAR from over.

Cherished, your weight has nothing to do with whether or not you could get a good job. I work in a professional office with at least 3 or more obese people, who happens to be very valued there. They are all "higher up", and do very well. And so can you!! Don't let that be one of your reasons for holding back. Call your parents, Cherished...tonight.

Post deleted by Cherished

So have you made some changes in the last four years?

Post deleted by Cherished

Well, you've got things to work on. But I realize how easy it is to take comfort in food, since you don't get it anywhere else.

Post deleted by Cherished

I guess the first thing you have to do is overcome your hatred of fat people, starting with yourself.

I'm 100 pounds overweight; I work with 9 other beautiful women in a male-dominated profession where there are 90 men to 10 women. I hold my own, but I know my own self-loathing when I look in the mirror.

I'm not a Yale Graduate - I have a bachelors in secondary education from an obscure state university. But I am in the top 7 to 20 performers week in and week out. Depending on how well I believe in myself...

Cherished - stop using your weight as an excuse. No one else pays attention to it, except for the man who knows the minute you start believing in yourself, you will kick his *ss to the curb - so he continually and systematically runs you down.

Stop giving your enemy any credibility. And start seeing your qualifications instead of your weight. And make peace with the fat people out there - that form of bigotry is the last bastion of people hatred allowed in society - Letterman and Leno wouldn't dare take potshots at people because of their nationality or race - but fat is a legal target.

Just ask Tyra Banks - she learned - and has set her feet on a path to change that bigotry - but she gets to unzip the fat suit and be a supermodel again. The rest of us, stay zipped up in the layers of easy targets.

We have to take that suit off ourselves first - stop hating ourselves.

Can you do that much, right now - and get out there and promote your very adequate qualifications and get a job!

Post deleted by Cherished

Cherished - I have a resource for you that will assist you with your feelings about your weight, your worth, and your husband - I'd rather not post on the open board.

Feel free to e-mail me.

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Post deleted by Cherished