Stella,

Did you call your WH back yesterday?

Hi Mimi,

Yes, I called him back. The conversation started bumpy but smoothed out toward the end. I could tell he was angry by his tone of voice. I wasnt sure why he seemed agitated, so I asked. He said he was angry at me. I asked him why. He said he didn't know.....He said that is why he didnt want call me back earlier.

I changed the subject quickly before the conversation went downhill. We talked about work and other trivial things. I pretty much did all of the conversating. I asked him if he was comming home for christmas (at his parents house), and he said he was. My MIL had actually called him the day prior to invite him (after my approval and request:) ). We talked for 20 minutes.

Today I called him, but as usual he didnt pick up. I was so angry and frustrated that he didnt pick up, that I almost called back to give him a piece of my mind. But before I could, he called me. I swallowed my tongue, and held back. We talked for about 10 minutes....he seens so gloomy when he talks to me.

So those are the latest events....Any more words of wisdom?

Stella

Stella:

A couple of things. Nice job and big kudos for you in finding the strength to tell your parents and get their support. I can imagine the humiliation and additional pain this may have caused you to see their reaction. That is all ok, the benefits you will get will outweigh the initial sadness and devestation you no doubt felt yesterday.

Does your cheating husband know that you told your parents and that there was a "family" meeting about this yesterday?

Lem

No, I dont think he knows yet. But, he should be finding out soon....My parents were going to call WH yesterday, but by mom wanted my dad to calm down first and let things sink in before they talked to him. They called him today, but he didnt pick up. My mom told him to call back when he gets a chance.

He was trying to provoke a fight with you and you didn't fall for it. Great!!



Super, Stella! You were proactive..maintained control..PLAN A in effect..light, cheerful, upbeat conversation..no LBing....



AH-HAH...See how it works? He called you today...

Good stuff, Stella, I think...

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Is anger for no reason to be expected from WH? I haven't done anything to him.


I am sure he is going to be even more upset after my dad talks to him....

Stella:

What do you expect your Dad to say to him?

Truthfully (and I am putting myself in your Dad's shoes), he may not be able to control his outrage and anger towards your WH. Your his baby girl, his jewel, and any "reasonable" thinking Man is going to want to "kill" anyone who would do this to his flesh and blood. Perhaps, your Dad is "different" than anyone I know.

If I was your Cheating Husband (and like most cheaters, he is a coward) I wouldn't be able to face the father of the woman I did this to.

Do you think he got a "heads" up that your parents know, and is already in "covert" mode? This has been going on for a year right? Did he not expect to have you ever tell your parents or family?

Lem

Yep...

In his sick mind, if only you would just give him reason to divorce you or if you would LB, he would feel OK, well a bit better, about what he is doing....

My FWH used to be angry at me and pick fights with me all the time..just like yours does...

Part of him just wished I would go away...

Lem,

You are right, he will tear into him, especially after everything they have done for him. I am prepared for that. There wasn't anything my parents wouldn't have done for them. Although they said they support me, I know deep down inside my dad dosnt want me to have anything to with him. My mom, on the other hand, would probably like to believe it will okay.

No, I dont think he was tipped off or anything of the sort.Ever since he got caught, he rarely picks up the phone if it me or his parents. I guess so he doesnt have to face us (or deal with us). It really came as no surprise that he didnt answer.

No, I dont think he expected me tell my family.

Gosh...I reread my posts, and I didnt realize how horrible my grammar is.

Stella. I was so afraid to expose. Especially to my parents. I was afraid WH would go into a fury. I was afraid that if I told them and we worked things out they would never forgive him. I was afraid that if we worked things out my friends and family would think I was a fool for putting up with some of the things that he has done. I was terrified to expose to OWH. I thought he would go crazy and do something to WH.

All of these fears were completely unfounded. The power of exposure cannot be underestimated. My only regret is that I didn't do it all at once. It would have been much more powerful. In the end, OWH didn't do anything. Turns out he was just indicted last week for federal fraud charges. He and OW have bigger problems than I can ever imagine. My parents were awesome. They each called him seperately. They were firm about his actions and how it has devestated me and how it is destroying our family. They were also SO supportive to both of us and SO loving to both of us. They didn't mince words about how they felt about all of this but they didn't rage on him so that he would be defensive. They showed love. My mom actually put a little action plan together and told us to both stop being so stubborn. Gave us a list of things to do for each other and then drove across the state and stayed with the kids while we went away for the weekend. It worked beautifully.

While we certainly have a lot of work to do, both of us, the amazing love and support my family has provided has brought us to a point I doubt we could have come on our own.

Hang tough. Every single thing I was worried about turned out to be nothing at all. My prayers are with you.

You guys have been so wonderful and supportive, and so RIGHT. I do feel much better having told my family.

Today, WH called this morning, and I immediately knew that he knew that I had told my family. I couldnt talk to him at that time, but I called him back after work. My mother and father called him very early this morning (5:30 AM). Surprisingly, according to my mom, my dad was very calm when he talked to him. They talked for an hour.

When I talked to my WH, I was surprised he wasn't yelling at me. Instead he was actually crying. He said he felt so horrible that he had hurt so many people. I told him that I could no longer keep his A a secret. Anyway, we talked for sometime on the phone, and he said he thought he could stop, but things spiraled out of control. He said he was so confused; which still upsets me...because he shouldnt be. He said at times when he was with OW it felt right, and others it felt "so wrong". Anyway, I didnt say anything, just listened. So, bottom line...he is confused. And I plan A'd the whole converstation, even though I wanted to reach through the phone and stangle him.

WH called today around lunchtime...something he hasnt done in awhile. He left a message asking me if I had bought his niece and nephew presents. I had already told him I did last week, and I recall him specifically asking me questions about the items. I figured either he called b/c he forgot, or just couldnt think of anything else to say, and was using that as an excuse to call (hopefully the latter....I know, I probably read to much into things). I didnt call him back right away but waited until after work. Of course he didnt pick up, so I left a pleasant message as Mimi suggested.

He called back 30 minuted later, and of course was irritable again. The mood swings are so annoying. After a few minutes into the conversation, he asked what day I would be going to be at his parents house for Christmas. I said I wasnt sure (even though I think I know). I then asked him when he was going to go, and he said on thursday and would be staying there for 5 days. I was surprised. When he came for thanksgiving, he came on a thurs and left on a sat (probably to be w/ OW). Right after I hung up with him, my MIL called and said she and SIL had spoken to WH earlier and told him that b/c he left early for thanksgiving, this time he cant leave early. And she said WH agreed, but was uncomfortable (they had previously talked about the "family meeting"). Since I will be arriving a day later than he will, my FIL has decided to have a long talk with him face to face b/f I get there, with the intent to knock some sense into him. Hopefully this will help. I didnt mention this earlier, but my FIL had an A very early in his marriage. He regrets it to this day, and blames himself for WH's A. He regrets how much he hurt my MIL, and cannot believe that he almost walked away. This is probably why my in-laws have been so supportive of me.

Anyway, regarding this plan A....is it wise to be calling him everyday. I usually call once a day, but I feel like it entitles him to continue his A.

I think that your PLAN A with the EXPOSURE is being effective, Stella..

I would continue the upbeat daily calls..

I don't think that is enabling the A...

IMO, PLAN A then PLAN B...

You will enable the A if you continue PLAN A too long..but you've just begun and it's having an effect...

He's calling you...

He's staying longer for Xmas...

You meet the needs of FAMILY COMMITMENT and DOMESTIC SUPPORT for sure...whereas the OW does not..

I say..Hang in there...Prepare for a good Xmas...

Remember try to keep the FOCUS ON YOURSELF AND WHAT YOU ARE DOING..not on what HE IS OR NOT DOING...

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Mimi or anyone,

My in-laws would like for me to ask if there is anything they can say or do to hasten the end of this A? They know that I am doing plan A and that I am not to talk about our relationship, his A, etc. So, they thought they would do all of the above for me. Does that sound okay to do?

Stella

I think your in-laws should do and say exactly what feels natural for them..

They know how to handle their son when HE IS BEING BAD..

(I'm doing the QUICK REPLY so I can't put in the smiley face here like I want to)

WH actually called again yesterday ...twice. But, I didnt pick up either time. I was so upset yesterday. Somedays are worse than others. I knew if I picked up, I would say something horrible. Anyway, a few hours later when I decided to call him back, one of my friends called, and we wound up talking for an hour. WHile I was talking to her, WH called again. I didnt click over. I finally called him back, but it was really late. And, surprisingly he picked up....I for sure thought I would be leaving a message. We talked for 20 minutes about nothing, which was nice.

And then there was today...he has not called me at all. I hate these up and downs. I get such a high after we have had a pleasant conversation just to be let me down the very next day.

Well, my IL's and parents are sooo trying their best to help. They are always asking me to post their questions and concerns, and do appreciate the input you guys have given. They want WH to realize that he will loose me if he doesnt stop the A. My IL's were planning to threaten WH that I may not join them for Christmas b/c of all the hurt he has caused me, hoping that will make him realize. They arent sure about this approach though b/c they said they will not accept me not comming. I dont know if this plan is a good idea or not. So, i ask you guys....

I think it would be best to spend as much time as possible with him now. Being apart likely contributed to his vulnerability to an affair. Living apart is terrible for marriages. So more apart time will not be the solution. Nor will punishing him by your absence.

Two things are very important right now: you need to work on attracting him back into the marriage and assure him that you can forgive him if he ends his affair.

Stella, I know everyone is mad at him right now, but he must know that he will be forgiven and welcomed back into the fold if he ends his affair. He should be treated to the consequences of his bad choices, but he shouldn't feel punished.

That is why it is important to attract him back into the marriage. After you have tried this for awhile and if he doesn't respond, then it will be time to deal him some strong medicine ala Plan B. However, he must have a good taste in his mouth and feel attached to you in order for Plan B to have an effect. Hence, a very good Plan A. [read the link in my signature]

Do you have Surviving an Affair by Willard Harley? If not, I would get it asap and get a copy for both sets of parents.

Melody:

Thanks for joining in to help Stella..

I agree with her need to spend as much time with him as possible..expecially over the holidays..

Stella,

Notice how your changes are attracting him back to you..He's calling you now...

Also your EXPOSURE has been helpful...

YES..YES..Get you a copy and read SURVIVING AN AFFAIR...

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"And then there was today...he has not called me at all. I hate these up and downs. I get such a high after we have had a pleasant conversation just to be let me down the very next day. "

Like I implied earlier stella, I hope you know what you're getting into. The path you have chosen is FAR from being an "easy" way out. Despite what Lemonman states, I am NOT trying to get a rise out of you (or others here), but instead asking you... "Is it worth it?" It seems like it (to you), so if that suits you, fine.

The mood swings (from both of you), are natural, but they will last many months to come. If he sides with you again, then expect many nights of grief and anguish, from both him and you. I still have my moments with my wife where I'm so unsure, last night included. I still need so many impossible questions answered, and when I don't get the response I'm looking for, I feel so lost.

Not only lost, but angry. Angry at my participation in the events that transpired in the undoing of my marriage, and angry at her when she becomes annoyed at my (supposed) trespasses into her grief and guilt, when I state how saddened I am at what happened and let her know how wrong she was to be so weak and to let this happen.

I have really forgiven her for most of what she has done, but there is still vestigial traces of my condemnation towards her. She wonders if I will cheat on her now, and in my darker moments, I have told her, "if I do, it's because you've put us there. YOU! No other."

Things won't be easy, keep this in mind. But fight the good fight for YOUR sake, no others'.

I hope things are looking up for you recently. It gets better every day for myself, and things don't seem as bleak as they did a few weeks ago... hopefully the same can be said about yourself.