The last few days WH has actually been calling 2-3 times a day, and the conversations have been pleasant and relaxed. I have even received an email from him, which I havent in such a long time. I am trying to do the best plan A I can. But, I am so nervous and excited about seeing him in a few days that I hope I dont mess it up.

Stella:

That sounds GREAT about him calling you!!

Make sure to let him know how excited you are about seeing him soon and how much you ENJOY hearing from him and talking to him.

You should feel reassured about the continued HISTORY you will be creating over the holidays and all of the ENs you will have the opportunity to meet.

The OW is counting on you blowing your time with him and she wants him to feel like you do not love him like she does...

SO..plan on BLOWING HIS MIND...with your LOVELINESS...

Court him again..give him loads of attention..look into his eyes when he talks to you..do all those special things that first attracted him to you...

NO LOVEBUSTING..NO PLEADING..NO DEMANDING..NO CRYING...MINIMAL RELATIONSHIP TALK....

However, do not be surprised if he tries to contact her.don't be surprised if he is moody, missing her..don't be surprised if he tries to bait you into arguments..

BE PREPARED WITH YOUR PLAN...

Any questions?

<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/cool.gif" alt="" />

Mimi, Thanks for all of your advice.

What do I do if he does contact her? Do I say anything? And if he is moody, do I just leave him alone? I ask, because all of this happened at thanksgiving. I got very upset, and did all the things I wasnt supposed to...i.e. angry outbursts, crying, etc. All of which made things worse. I am going to try not to look at his cell phone, because it always makes me so angry.

Stella,

I'm saying go ahead now and accept that he WILL CONTACT HER..

It's OK to say that you do not like it if he does this right in your face...

It is not OK for him to flagrantly disrespect you...

However, don't ask him about it..plead or checkup on him all of the time.

FOCUS ON YOURSELF..being the best STELLA that you can be..

You have A PLAN..she does not...

He has never thrown in my face. I always find out about it when I check his phone when he leaves it lying around. And then, I just go off him. But, I guess I know what to expect now, and will plan A, and avoid anything I know I cant handle (i.e. looking to see if he/she calles and then throwing it back in his face with angry outbursts).

Thanks again Mimi... Plan A it is.

Stella,

We believe no news is good news! How are you doing?

Van.

In my case, no news was/is bad news. Yesterday was one of the worst days of my life. The Christmas holidays were nice,...and I thought that my WH still cared about me and loved me. At least, that is what his actions led me to believe. Overall, the Christmas holidays were nice. We had 1 talk about our relationship that resulted from me stumbling across some pictures he had taken of the OW on the digital camera. I was very shocked b/c she wsa nothing I had imagined her to be. She is the complete opposite of me in appearance. Anyway, I tried to remain composed, but I actually wound up showing the pictures to my MIL, FIL, and SIL (who were also surprised). WH knew something was wrong, and when he asked me, I just showed him the pictures. He immediately erased them. We talked for a long time. He apologized for what he had done to me, and told me he wanted to make the marriage work. He said he would end the relationship. I didnt believe he would, b/c why would this time be any different. So, I told him to call her and end it that day. He didn't. The last night we were there, he said that if he knew that we would be able to work things out, he would call her right then. But, he said he believed that was not the case. Anyway, before he left, he hugged me, and kissed me goodbye. I kind of knew he wasnt ready to end it, so I thought I would just continue to plan A. I did tell him before I left that I would be flying up to visit him on Thursday (yesterday), but he didnt say anything.

From Monday through Wednesday of this week, he was wonderful to me on the phone. He called me so many times, and I was beginnning to get my hopes up. Naturally, I assumed he was going to be excited to see me on THursday. On Wed evening before I went to bed, I reminded him of my arrival time for the following day. Much to my surprise, he immmediately started yelling at me, and telling me that I had not discussed with him my plans of going to visit. I reminded him that I did, but it didnt make much of a difference. He told me that I was forcing myself on him, and forcing the relationship to work. He then said that if I came, he couldnt break it off with the OW. I did NOT believe him. He then said that he was planning a vacation in february, but now that was out of the question. I knew that he did not want me to come b/c that would spoil his plans with OW for new years. I told him that I was comming anyway, since it is my apartment as well. Before I left, he tried everything he could to get me to not come. He even called his mother crying for advice. His mother told him I had every right to fly up there.

So, before I came here, I knew things were not going to be as pleasant as they seemed at Christmas, and they havent been. He picked me up, and we went to dinner. When we finally came back to the apartment, the first thing I noticed in the apartment was that all of my pictures and cards that I had sent him, had been taken down. This really hurt me,....and the place was messy. Anyway, we sat down, and talked. I then heard everything I never wanted to hear. He said that he didnt love me anymore, that he was now in love with OW, and that he had FILED for D. He showed me the papers he filed (that he downloaded off the internet). I couldnt hold back the tears. I was so hurt. He told me that he no feeling left for me, and that he was sorry he hurt me. I cried. I wanted to leave, and go back home. We did argue, which I know is LB'ing, but I really couldnt help myself at that moment. I called my MIL,....and she wanted me to stay through New Years just so OW wont have him. I told her that I couldnt, and had planned to leave at early this morning. Before we went to bed, he told me to stay. I said I couldnt. THis morning, I got up to get dressed. He told me to come back to bed, and that he didnt want me to leave. I did stay, but I dont know why. He is at work right now, and I finally got a chance to post.

I really wanted my marriage to work, and I still do. And I know that there are many that beleive I should just move on, but I just beleived it would work. I am not ready to give up, but I it seems like it is now over, as he has already claimed to have filed. Which I dont completely understand because I thought I am supposed to get served. Now I am really feeling hopeless. He is so cold and distant, that I can feel that he has no love for me

Stella, you did really good by going there. You are ruining the affair and that is YOUR JOB. I like that you told your MIL about his antics, let him explain this to his mother.

I would stick where you are and don't allow him to bait you into a fight. Be as pleasant as possible and plan to go out with him on New Years Eve. That will really mess things up. Get your pictures put back up and clean the place up!

Don't worry about not feeling any love from him, he is in the throes of an addictive affair and is under the spell of a fantasy. He WILL feel love for again, once the OW is gone. So, don't give up, just get busy and look for every opportunity to bust up and ruin this affair.

Same was true for me..WH wanting something DIFFERENT..that is part of the charm..the allure..the addiction..PART OF THE WS SCRIPT...



ALSO PART OF THE WS SCRIPT..must be written in their handbook..I heard these same lines...



GREAT, STELLA!!



Again, part of the script..I HEARD THE SAME THINGS...Funny, he didn't feel this way at XMAS...

He wanted you to agree to the divorce..so it would be your decision not his..



Your reaction is normal and understandable..



It is important for you to see this for what it is..his addiction to the feeling that this OW is giving him. Your PLAN A is being effective, Stella. There's a part of him that wants you just as bad as you want him. That's the part of him that wants you to stay..

Why are you staying? You are fighting for what is rightfully yours..

DO NOT HAND HIM TO HER ON A SILVER PLATTER..CONTINUE YOUR FIGHT FOR YOUR MAN!!

Remember the OW wants you to leave..

Stay there for the fight. Clean up the apartment. Make his favorite meal..

Do all the SPECIAL THINGS THAT HE LOVES FOR YOU TO DO..

BLOW HIS MIND..which you are already starting to do..he had assumed that it was over..that he no longer has feelings for you..you are proving him wrong and he is becoming CONFUSED....

DO NOT LET HIM STEER YOU OFF COURSE....

This is playing out exactly according to the script...

YOU WILL BE VICTORIOUS AS LONG AS YOU DO NOT GIVE UP....

You have really messed things up for them...

You still are faced with many challenges but hang in there for the fight..

You will feel good in knowing that you have done all that you can do...

I'VE BEEN RIGHT THERE IN YOUR SHOES, STELLA...

I KNOW YOU CAN DO THIS!!!!

Darn, I guess OW lost her New Years Eve date! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

Thanks guys. Today was a little better. I did clean up, we went out to lunch, and later dinner. He is moping around the house. The OW keeps texting him, and he has called her once from what I can gather on the cell phone. He is VERY confused. He told me he doesnt know what to do. I found her sunglassed in the car as we were driving, which I threw out the window. WH didnt say anything.

I dont know what to do about my brother and sister. Both have sent him some really mean messages on his voicemail. i told them to stop. I understand their hurt, but they are not helping me any by doing this. Any advice, here? Is this going to make my plan A more difficult?

Oh, and yes, OW did lose her date for tonite <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Stella, just be as sweet as pie to him tonight. He will probably try to bait you into a fight tonight so he can storm out the door and join the ho-bag. Don't give him any bait, ok??

Then tomorrow - after OW has been safely dumped for New Year's Eve <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" /> - tell him how much it hurts you and how very disrespectful it is for his ho' to be texting a married man in his wife's presence! Ask him to please text her and show a little bit of dignity and knock it off. Ask him what you have done to deserve that flagrant disrespect! trashy, trashy, trashy! [don't SAY she is trashy, though, that will just make him defensive]

Frankly, I would not interfere with your brother and sister. They have every right to be angry.

I personally feel like calling her and telling her myself. I beleive that she still believes that he is divorcing me, and the divorce papers he downloaded from the internet were an attempt by WH to keep OW strung along. I dont think he filed yet, because nothing he showed me seemed official. I really feel like calling her and giving her a piece of my mind. But, I know that it will probably do no good. My MIL has volunteered to do it, though. Hopefully she will.

Well, my MIL just called my WH and told him to knock it off. He is squirming. Hopefully tonite will go okay.

Well, new years eve went okay. Yesterday, before I left we had a long talk. He acknowledged how much he has hurt me, my family, and his family. He said he was VERY confused. He also said he was angry at OW and himself for the mess they created. Although I did not give him an ultimatum, I did tell him that this A has gone on long enough. He then said the D papers were "just papers" and that "nothing was set in stone." He said he wanted a few days to think about things to decide what he needed to do. I said fine, even though I didnt give a deadline, he did.

Yesterday, he called several times, and again this morning. He said he would pay for my medical liscense, which is pretty expensive, and to not delay getting it. We talked about jobs, paying off loans, etc. I am getting so many mixed messages that I dont know what to think....

Here is another thing, ...apparently WH did not call his parents to wish them a happy new years. Apparently, my MIL called OW on new years eve and told her to stay way from him, and that she will never be respected by his family. So, my IL's believe he is upset that they are interfering. Is this something they should continue to do?????

I wish I didnt have to leave. It always seems that whatever progress WH and I make, she comes along and destroys it when I leave, and then its back to square 1. OW has the huge advantage of being there that I dont. But, there is nothing I can do about that right now.

All of this is giving me so much anxiety. I am having one of those moments where I feel I cant do anything. I am trying to study, but cant. Just thought I would come and write.

Stella:

It's going to be a struggle but, IMO, it's going to turn out alright with your marriage.

The absence has made your H vulnerable to the wiles of a golddigger.

Your anxiety is normal and expected.

How far away from your WH are you?

Can you visit on weekends?

I think your MIL should steer clear of the OW.

It might not be a bad idea to expose to her employer or her parents.

You can do a background check on her at whitepages.com

I have already exposed to her parents, but they dont seem to really care. They initially gave WH the pathetic advice (indirectly through OW) that he needs to leave me if he loves their daughter. Despite me telling them otherwise, they believe that we are legally separated and he has filed for a D. So, in summary, they are not much help.

I have thought about calling her workplace, but havent actually done it yet. Since they dont work together, I dont know how good it will do.

He lives far...about a 2 hour plane ride. I can at the most go only every other weekend because of my responsibilities here and the financial aspect of it.

I will tell my MIL to lay off OW for now.

I do feel like some progress has been made since my first post thanks to all the advice I have received here. I just want more to happen and quickly.....

Try to go there as often as possible.

The distance makes it difficult.

This will take TIME AND PATIENCE.

I think the EXPOSURE to his parents and your parents has been key.

The OW was probably lying about her parents' blessing..but it seems that you have done all that you can do with them.

The thing about her job is does she have a job in which her bad moral character will reflect poorly on her company?

If you read one of my posts above, WH said he needed a few days to think about what he thought he needed to do (i.e. move forward with me or to file). He said this on his own without any help from me. Well, a few days are up.... Do I ask him what he decided, or leave it alone? He has been calling alot more lately, and I just wanted to tread carefully.

Thanks ahead for the advice.