I just back from visiting WH this weekend, and sure enough he called and said he didnt if he wanted to work on the marriage anymore, and that he was going to file for D. Your right it was all a part of her plan. He said he was certain of divorcing. He said he couldnt force himself to love me, and that he wasnt happy. Same stuff I heard 4 months ago. It is so messed up. Sometimes I re-read my thread and it all seems so unbelievable. Things change week to week....Last week we were looking for houses, and today he wants a D. I am sad.

Stella. please listen to mimi who can help guide you to a restored marriage. your wh is addicted and he cant help his feelings and actions. this is a ploy of the ow. your husband loves you but he needs you to be strong and plan a him home. dont listen to others who will not support marriage. listen to mimi please. you can do this. you may have to let him end this addiction and maybe help him negotiate and end to this. i think it is very encouraging that he was looking for houses with you last week. he is still in love with you and sees a future with you. can you call steve harley and see what he says. will your husband call steve. he should. your husband has to have a plan to end the affair. steve will help him with this. please call steve asap.

I know, Stella.

It is all so unbelievable.

It is also unbelievable to me how happy my FWH and I are today.

I can't say that the same will happen for you.

However, I can definitely tell you that OW wants you to give up on your marriage.

Put it in your WH's hands. Say to him, like a broken record: "I don't want a divorce. I want to work on our marriage. You can and will fall in love with me again."

When he says that blah-blah about being CERTAIN of divorcing, he wants you to make it easy for him and for you to be agreeable to it...

I so remember my FWH saying: "Let me go..face it I don't love you anymore..BLAH..BLAH..BLAH"..

Like SMOLINA said, empty WORDS of a WH...ACTIONS SPEAK LOUDER THAN HIS WORDS....Remember last week you were looking for houses...

She has threatened to turn off the drug source and he has had cravings for her..YUCK..you know the deal...

I highly recommend scheduling the session with Steve Harley..it's well worth the cost to you...

As I said before, the affair will carry on..but don't make it easy for him/them...

Sorry about ALL OF THIS..YUCK...

Well my WH is still not wanting to open up. He has put up a wall, and shut me out. I called him today, and he said he was in a bad mood, and didnt know why, and that we probably shouldnt talk b.c he didnt want to say something he would regret. I TRY to remain calm. He has been this way for 2 weeks now. I feel like yelling at him, but I know that wont do much good,... so when I am having a bad day I come here to write,... and I already feel better. Hopefully things will work out.

On a lighter note, only 60 more days until I am done with residency! I am excited about that.... <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Will you be moving in together in 60 days? How far from Longview?

Hey Melody,

About 6 hours away. We are supposed to be in moving together, ....But these days I never know what he is thinking day to day.

Stella

Hello Stella......for curioisity sakes, what have been the views and feelings from your parents and siblings regarding his continued affair and your continued desire to reconcile? I am just curious. I unfortunately do not have any sage advice for you.

As an aside, and probably of no condolence now, you should also remember that you are in a much better position than most Betrayed Spouses here. An unfortunate majority of BS here are not in a financial position to break off from a WS and/or have children that make any kind of "break" much more difficult. YOU have neither impacting any decision you make.

This is probably not something you want to hear, but it is a reality that many BS do not have the luxury of having. As bad as you feel (and no doubt you are shattered), someone always has it worse. I try to remember that when I throw pity parties for myself (not that I am saying you are doing that), but you are smart enough to get what I am saying.

Goodluck

LM

Regardless of what your family thinks or says, regardless of your financial situation, regardless of whether you have children or not...you are still in love with your H. And you want to FIGHT FOR YOUR MARRIAGE...and not give him over to that OW....

Right, Stella?

<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/cool.gif" alt="" />

Your are correct, Mimi. I do love my H very much. Through it all, I have always known I can walk away and make it on my own. When I am ready to give up, I will. But, I am not right now.

Thanks,
Stella

I have not posted in awhile, probably because sometimes I am embarrased to post.

Well after 3 years of being apart and many promises and waiting, I have been anxiously waiting to finally be with my WH. I thought that after my WH moved back to TX we would be able to move forward and work through the infidelity. We actually were closing on a house together this month that we were supposed to be moving into in July. Well last night, once again my WH said he was sorry for the pain he had caused me, that he cared about me, but I could not make him as happy as the OW did. He said he feels horrible for everything, and that he cant go on with this anymore. He said he was dying on the inside wishing he could stop loving the OW, but he cant. He said he has tried no contact, but cant do it. He said she loved him and he loved her. And then, he said he wanted a D. He said he knew he was going to hurt alot of people, but eventually things would be okay. He is sooo selfish. He doesnt care that his happiness is at the expense of so many people.

Please believe me when I say this is not a pity party for me. I am just as devastated as I was when I first found out. I asked him if she was going to move to Texas with him, and he said not right away, but eventually she would. But, he said she would not do so until he files. I was so angry last night, but today I sit and just cry, and thought I would post. I feel like I lost my world. This really sucks. I cant stop crying. We are supposed to talk again tonight. He said I could move into the house, and have whatever I wanted. It feels like the beginning of the end. This is truly the worst I have ever felt. I feel duped. I waited and waited for our time apart to be over, and it was all for nothing.

The unfortunate part of this situation is that you live apart and have done so for so long. That makes a world of difference.

No one on this board would want to take away your hope, but it would seem to be nearly impossible to restore your marriage while you are separated under these conditions.

She is probably supplying most or all of his emotional needs. You could try to compete with her if you two were living closer, but you would be sacrificing your career for what may be a wisp of a chance at saving your marriage.

Stella:

I'm not understanding all of the facts.

I have a couple of questions before I respond to you.

Will you and your WH be living in the same city..with the OW eventually coming to live there?

When will this occur? July?

What is the longest period of time that you have lived together as a couple day-to-day?

Yes, we will be in the same city, with the OW eventually comming here.
We live together for 4 years prior to him moving away to do his fellowship.

This continues to be the STANDARD WS SCRIPT. My FWH gave me the ALMOST THE EXACT SAME SCRIPT. "Face it, it's over" is what he said. "We need to separate...let me go", etc. I remember those words almost verbatim.

It's your choice about this, Stella. I have a bias, as everyone knows, towards working on marriages. But, you are young, there are no children, you can take care of yourself financially...All of this makes your situation much, much different than mine was..

The key is, though, you really do not have to do anything. I would say, at least, do not make it easy for him. DO NOT AGREE that you understand and DIVORCE IS THE RIGHT THING. Do not beg or plead but continue to let him know that you prefer TO WORK ON YOUR MARRIAGE. Tell him if he chooses to be with her, it will be "HIS LOSS". He will have to live with having LEFT HIS WIFE FOR ANOTHER WOMAN. Don't allow him to make it into anything else but that. Hold your head up high....

Don't cry tonight. Don't beg and plead. Tell him that you want to work on the marriage (if that's what you want). It's his choice to do this.

I do not believe that it is NECESSARILY completely over.

Let us know what happens tonight. He probably wants you to make it easy for him...easy on his conscience. DON'T.

I will let you know what happens tonite. I spoke to MIL this afternoon. She is going to talk to WH tonite, and said for me not to worry for the moment. I am trying to feel better. She is very angry. My inlaws also live in the same city where WH and I willing be moving to, and said that they will make her life miserable if she comes here, and WH's as well.

This is soo difficult for me. I am very competitive person, and I dont want this OW to win. And I can't help myself, but that is how I feel. I have such a hard time accepting failure.

...and I forgot to answer the last part of your question...he will be moving here beginning July.

Do not for one minute at all think of yourself as being a FAILURE.

If anyone FAILS, it will be YOUR HUSBAND!!

He would be settling for CRUMBS when you are a PRECIOUS JEWEL!!

Any anyways, the RACE is definitely NOT OVER....

She is counting on you backing down and walking away...

CONTINUE TO FIGHT!!!

Earlier this evening, my MIL called WH, and she was very upset with him. She told him that she wanted him to come home and stay with them for 1 month, away from cell phone, and no contact from OW to find himself and clear his head. Then their conversation went south, as WH became defensive about OW.

So anyway, I just spoke with him. He was sad, and apologized for putting me through this. I told him that I wasn't the only one he had hurt. I did tell him that he needed to find himself and make peace with himself, and let go of his anger towards me and his family. I also told him he needed to be able to enjoy his own company, and be happy with himself. Lately, WH doesn't like his own company, and hates being alone. I told him that I think it would be wise if he did spend a month with his family away from OW, his cell phone, email, etc. He said he was going to consider doing that. He then asked me "what if my decision is the same." I told him that I wouldnt want him to do it to make a decision, but rather find himself once again and figure why he did what he did. And that is where we left it....

As I suspected, he's wanting you to make it EASY for him and for you to GIVE UP ON HIM...No way will either you or his mother do that....because both of you love him...he is definitely is on a self-destructive path with this OW...

GOOD WORK, STELLA! HANG IN THERE!

Stella,
It is awesome that you have the support of his mother.

I think Mimi is right. He wants you to make this easy on him. Don't.

When he says he wants a divorce- you don't do divorce, you do marriage.

Will you both be working in the same hospital or just the same town?

I'm curious how you fit in to that 30 days with no contact? Will you be able to Plan A? Or is it going to be no contact from both- I do not think no contact with you is good as he has been with her lately and she has been meeting his needs- you need an opportunity to meet his needs.

hang in there, Stella