If we could have only have had a copy of the "handbook" before our suspicions became aroused! It sure would have saved me a lot of errors, misjudgements and counterproductive actions.

Keep the faith, man, you can survive this!

Best wishes,
SD

You have days though when it seems everything you do is an error, misjudgement or counterproductive actions

What a roller coaster ride, have you been through the "need more of my own space" one, then to get into bother for ignoring them when you give it!!!

Yes, yes, and yes.

The way I got through it all was to make it a "game" or a "project" of sorts. I decided my Wayward Wife was not at all the woman I married, so I trained myself to emotionally disattach from her wildly irrational behavior. I began to treat her as if she were a mental patient, one who I would give credit to for rational behavior, but would totally disregard all of the irrational behavior. I forced myself NOT to react to my own pain and anguish over her behavior.

Once I reached that state of detachment, I was able to be laid back, easily amused by her behavior, and react in a genuine manner "most" of time, without any Love Busters.

This was when I made the most progress. In the mean time, I began correcting all the "things" I knew she was dissatisfied with me about in our marriage. I picked up doing more of the household chores, something I "left" for her most of the time before. I began fixing things around the house, she had mentioned in the past that I had just blown off before. I bought her a bunch of flowers, but just took them home and put them in a vase, without saying a word to her, and not "giving" them to her personally. I began "listening" to her carefully, and made a point to validate things she would say, and make her feel like her opinion was as important as mine in daily matters, whereas before, I was Mr. Large and in-charge, and did not employ Harley's POJA system at all.

Not ONE of these things made a difference. It took ALL of these things, and it took me doing ALL of these things consistantly, over a period of months, that made the difference.

Like my dad used to tell me when I'd get impatient over things developing too slowly to suit my needs...."It takes a steady wind to bend a tree". Now that may not make sense to you, but here in Kansas (Named for the Kanza Indians, and Kanza translates "People of the South Wind") most of the trees out in the "open" country have a definitive lean, towards the north.

So, with constant Plan A actions, your wife will see those things in you that attracted her to you in the first place. Capitalize on your best attributes, and change/stop/correct those bad attributes. Don't force relationship talks every 1/2 hour. In fact, normalize activities between you and your W as much as possible, and make rules about relationship talks. Schedule them on Wednesday and Sunday nights, for one hour, with the caveat that if feelings get too intense, an automatic time-out will take place to let both parties regain their cool.

Remember, your words mean very little to your W, but your actions tell her the real story about your intentions. You can't "teach" her, but your can get her eyes to open though your positive actions.

I hope this give you a little more perspective on how to deal with a foggy WW.

Best wishes,
SD

I have only recently got to the stage where I can detach because it has been so difficult to deal with such as massive trauma that has been inflicted on me by the one that has for 24 years normally supported me through tribulations

The problem is not detaching too much as I did at one point in the early stages when I found I saw things from a too detached perspective and so did she and we became very distant.

Or does that indicate an omen for a future separation? Who knows. Dont you just find yourself going through the most bizarre and illogical though processes

Thanks for the perspective

Best, B