White dove,
I'm glad to hear you sounding upbeat and positive. I am equally as impressed with the way you have chosen to address Tom's post. I sometimes have difficulty with taking some things very personal, so I admire your methods.
POJA is The Policy of Joint Agreement. It is the meat of Marriage Builder's principles, so if you haven't heard the term, it would probably be extremely beneficial in aiding your H and yourself in coming to a resolution on a system regarding domestic support, not to mention in almost every other aspect of your marriage.
The Policy of Joint Agreement states:
Never do anything without an enthusiastic agreement between you and your spouse... Here is a link for additional reading...
POJA POJA is about negotiating. When Patriot and I first read it, we actually thought we were practicing it. I guess we had the idea that it was more about boundaries and the things you COULDN'T do.
It actually took us a few months, and we felt kind of silly for having thought we knew so much. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smirk.gif" alt="" />
Now that we understand the concept a little better, we use it for just about EVERYTHING from what we are going to have for dinner or what order we run our errands in to bigger issues, such as career changes, major purchases, etc...
The process of negotiating has become almost like a game for us and it really enables decision making to be more fun, instead of something heavy, dreaded and stressful.
Example
Froz: Patriot, what are your plans for the evening?
Patriot: I was hoping to spend some time playing online games and also maybe do some studying. Was there something you had in mind?
Froz: I actually thought it might be nice if we could watch a movie.
Patriot: Well, would it be acceptable to you if I spent the next hour studying and save the online gaming for tomorrow evening when you are working late?
Froz: That sounds great, because I could actually use the next hour to go to the grocery store. I could get some ice cream while I am there and I don't even mind letting you pick the movie. I don't care what we watch at all, I just wanted an activity that was something we could do together that was also relaxing.
Patriot: Ice cream sounds wonderful. Is Chunky Monkey okay with you (uh-oh, another POJA in the works)?
That's kind of a dorky example, but you get the picture. Often, the more creative you can be with your negotiations, the more fun it is.
When we were negotiating our plans for New Year's Eve were, we discovered what we both really wanted was to stay at home and do something together.
We often have the burden of indecisiveness as an obstacle, and the concern that the other person is making a sacrifice.
Once we agreed on having appetizers and playing games together, we had all day to come up with a list - each person had to list their 5 top appetizer choices, and their 5 top game choices.
At the end of the day, we actually had a draft pick. I was excited about doing the draft pick all day long and I was very interested to see which things he picked and if we had picked any of the same things and we really had fun with it. It also sure beat the heck out of our usual method of
"What do you want to eat?"
"I don't know - what do YOU want to eat"
and back and forth and back and forth...
As far as division of household and children responsibilities and systems that are efficient, we've never really had an issue with that (because I do it all <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/tongue.gif" alt="" />).
Patriot works more hours than I do and attends school. I have an extremely flexible work schedule, so I don't mind being responsible for most of the work (except what I call the Man Jobs, like taking out the trash or anything that involves a ladder or tools).
In exchange for these services, he is extremely willing to help whenever I ask for it. He will help me fold laundry. He always does any cleaning that involves strong chemicals because I am asthmatic.
I try to do things for him that would involve time, like running errands, as he doesn't have near as much free time as I do, so that he can enjoy his free time.
He tries to do things that make my life easier, like putting gas in my car (because I hate to do it).
One day recently, he even came up to my salon when he was off for the day and I was extremely busy. He folded towels, refilled shampoo bottles and other tasks so I wouldn't get behind and could work on my clients.
Once you get a routine established, households run much smoother, and of course, what works for one family may not work for another but I'm sure, through creative negotiation, you could arrive at a system that works well for you both.
Who knows, maybe a draft pick for household chores would speak to his masculinity...
