So how'd it go AGG?

Inquiring minds............ <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/laugh.gif" alt="" />

Binder:

OK, Binder, here is one big difference between us. I have been divorced for five years, and my ex has remarried. So, to my kids, the reality has definitely sunk in (although I am sure that to some extent they would still like their parents to get back together. You are in a different boat...

So, in your case, I would definitely let a few years lapse before introducing any new person to the kids.


Thank you for the kind words - I am three years older than you, and my kids are 9 and 10. But more importantly, like I said before, my marriage ended years ago. Had it just ended recently, I would not be considering introducing them to anyone (nor would I be considering dating, if I knew what was good for me <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />).

GoFromHere:

Yeah, well, that's what you get for being gone and not keeping an eye on me.. Thanks <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />!


Thank you! Yes, I did get used to constantly looking for red flags and dysfunction, and I was never left wanting <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />. That is why G is so incredible to me - aside from being so similar to me in many ways, she is just plain "normal" - she somehow fell through the LA dating cracks, and landed right on my lap! Who am I to complain?


She sure is. I see it more and more at every interaction with her.


Wow, thanks!!! I am continuing to feel very very good about this whole thing. It is clear that both of us want to make it work, and are willing to do our best in making each other happy. And right now, we sure do. It has been a very very long time since I felt this way about anyone - the last woman was my ex, and I married her <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />. Of course, she was all wrong for me, which is why I am happy to see that with G, the same feelings are there, but so is a very solid looking foundation.

So far, she has all the appearances of being "the one" <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />.

DW:

Actually, quite uneventful, which is good <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />. We went to an Auto Show (stupid plan on my part, as the kids were tired and clingy, and it was crowded), but we still had a nice time, and G said that she thought they were adorable and that she really liked seeing me as a dad <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />. So now, the ice has been broken, and we can spend some more relaxed time together. I am not worried, she is a very sweet woman, they'll like her.

But, for now, it's a three day weekend just for "us" - me and G. We started out planning some dates for the weekend, and before too long ended up deciding that she might as well spend the weekend at my house, to avoid the hour long commute back and forth. Ahem. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/blush.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/shocked.gif" alt="" />. So, uh, I am looking forward to this weekend, even though I plan to behave like the gentleman that I am.............

As you can tell, things are still on cloud nine, and yet I have a very good feeling based on what I observe about her and our interactions - we really seem to make a great team.

AGG

I'm sure some people will tell you 'moving too fast' <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />, and maybe you are, yet, I'll just say... I envy you <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />... oh, that excitement... haven't feel like that for such a long time...



To be politically correct? <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

I saw that...cough cough...however, my recent stuff is incriminating so it's rather pointless to throw stones. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

Not raining on your happy parade because you deserve it - mild reminder: courtship phase. Nuff said.

[color:"blue"]I just wonder at her age and never being married before. Was she engaged? Did she have a long-time live-in relationship?

I'm prejudiced in that I think that a man who is 40 and never been married or has no kids has to be a little odd or there is something wrong there. I would guess that this should also apply to women. (Faith will probably disagree <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/tongue.gif" alt="" /> )

A lot of the problems between my BF and I stem from his total independence. He has been so long just thinking of himself that it is habit for him to be self-centered. Children are incomprehensible to him - he is always asking "why did they do that" to things that any parent would answer "um because they are a kid..."

Anyway - I'm very happy that you are so smitten. It does feel great! Keep your eyes open, though.

V. [/color]

Why would i disagree?

I DO disagree, that you can't make a blanket statement about EVERYONE in those categories.

For example: worthatry is enjoying a very successful relationship with a woman who has never been married.

However, I am learning from Mr. Slow some of the reasons why he has never been married, at 39, and why I'm not interested in pursuing it anymore.

I have never had kids, at 36. Yes, I have some trouble with my expectations/understanding of them because of this, but I'm also fairly tolerant, and believe I am capable of learning, understanding and being a decent step-mom. For me, it's more about the parent that I'm dating, than the kids. If he's a good parent, and we're capable of working through the issues and negotiating, then it will work.

"I have never had kids, at 36. Yes, I have some trouble with my expectations/understanding of them because of this, but I'm also fairly tolerant, and believe I am capable of learning, understanding and being a decent step-mom. For me, it's more about the parent that I'm dating, than the kids. If he's a good parent, and we're capable of working through the issues and negotiating, then it will work."

Faith,
I agree with you. Don't have time right now, I will be back later to post more.


AGG,

I'm happy for ya! Don't take the blinders off yet.

Belonging2Myself:

I would normally say the same thing to others <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />. The only mitigating circumstance in this case is that I do not feel "out of control", as I have felt in some of my other infatuations. I feel that things are moving along very nicely but without pressure or panic or drama. Yes, they are moving fast, but we are both on the same page, and as I keep saying, I am constantly keeping an eye on the "foundation", and it continues to be very solid. So, as much as I can, I am enjoying the feelings while also staying balanced.


Thanks <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />. Really, I haven't felt this way for many many years, and it is great.


Uh, no, I said I plan to be a gentleman.....:). I even told her to leave all her Victoria's Secret nightwear at home this time around and stick to the flannels, aren't I smart? <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/confused.gif" alt="" />

Lucks:

Thanks Laura, and I completely agree with you. As much as I am enjoying this phase and seeing more longterm potential than I have with anyone else in the past 5 years, I am not intending to make any permanent decisions for many months - year's end at the earliest <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />. But if things continue to stay the way they are even after the infatuation starts wearing off, then all bets are off, and G might well be the next Mrs. AGG <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />. (I said "might", so hold off on the 2x4's!!)

And I gather you are not going to clue us in on your incriminating stuff, eh?? <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

Sunny, Faith, Immovingon:

Thanks for bringing up this topic. I value all the viewpoints, and have thought about this quite a bit. In my five years of dating, I have dated women with small kids, women without kids, women with grown kids, and women who have never married. What I found out is that there is no easy way to categorize these things - I saw pluses and minuses with each one.

The two "never married" late 30's women I dated before G were quite different from each other - one seemed to have spent her life "having fun" and finally realized that she better settle down (red flag), the other had a number of short relationships (including one with a married man - red flag), but appeared to be content to live her life on her own if it came to it. And both seemed very understanding of my kids and liked seeing me as a dad.

Regarding G specifically, I did discuss her "dating history" with her. She, like me, is a "late bloomer", and did not date much in high school and college (I find that kinda charming actually). She had her first serious relationship at 26, and she ended up living with that guy for 10 years. That is almost the same duration as my marriage, so I am quite impressed with that. She was not the one to end that relationship, and wanted to save it - so again, I am impressed. Just so you know, G is the first woman I met in the past five years who was not the one to end a marriage or a longterm relationship - I like that sense of commitment. She then had another relationship of a few months, and it ended about a year ago. And then she joined Eharmony, and the rest is history.

Anyway, my point is that I feel very comfortable with her having never been married - I think her sense of commitment is clearly demonstrated, and also, I see that she is not the kind of woman who is desperate to get married (I have seen quite a few of those), and I like that. Yet, the more I get to know her, the more I see that like me, she is much happier in a relationship than alone, so I don't see her as an "independent 30-something".

Thanks for all the thoughts, I really appreciate that my MB friends are giving me things to think about <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />.

AGG

AGG:

It's premature, but have you considered whether you will live with G before marriage - being she lived with a guy long-term? How does she feel about that live-in relationship in hindsight?

Personally I am not for living together before marriage because of religious reasons but just wondered about your opinions about it for your situation.

Em

Very true and she (Faith1) took the words right out of my mouth. AND - I don't mind her doing so.

There can be many very good reasons why someone may reach middle age and never have married. This doesn't mean that they haven't had the benefit of serious relationships and have never been kissed. Is it a topic to explore? Of course. Just like it's a worthy topic to explore why someone got married right out of High School.

WAT
----------------
District of Columbia official motto - "We've never elected a crooked Senator."

*giggle*....ya know, Victoria Secret makes some pretty cute flannels..... <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

AGG, I think (for what it's worth <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/pfft.gif" alt="" />)that you have a good handle on things, on yourself and the sitch....and I think the fact that you BOTH are on the same page, is key. There are no guarantees in life, as we all know, but I think from all that you have told us, you guys have a good chance here.

Enjoy your, ahem, weekend....... <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/cool.gif" alt="" />

When do you get to meet her family and friends?

Good question, and it crossed my mind too. I am in general against living together, though I cannot explain it much beyond saying that if you are confident enough to move in together, why not be confident enough to make the commitment - sort of the whole "Buyers, Renters, and Freeloaders" discussion. I never lived with anyone before - with my ex, we pretty much spent most of our free time together (wink wink), but maintained separate residences until the marriage.

With G, I still don't know. I have two kids, and somehow I feel awkward about officially living together with someone in the same house with my kids. Maybe I want to set an example for them, I dunno.

I know I am not answering your question, and it is because I am still unsure about it. Time will tell. I certainly cannot rule it out, but would prefer not to.

AGG

Another way to put it - I wouldn't hold it against her that she was never married if she doesn't hold it against me that I am divorced <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />. Just goes to show that "labels" aren't everything, it needs to be a case by case analysis.

I like to think that we "MB" divorcees have the experience and skills to make awesome spouses in the future, but there are plenty of divorcees who learned nothing and are accidents waiting to happen all over again (e.g. most of our WSs...).

AGG

Sigh, that is exactly what I am afraid of... Actually, I think I would be drawn to her even if she showed up in a burlap sack... Although I suppose that having this kind of chemistry (sorry) is way better than not....


Thank you thank you thank you - I feel exactly the same way <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />.


Her family is back East, and she invited me to come along next month when she goes back, which is nice. But, it is my "kids weekend", and I told her that I would rather not disturb that schedule right now, especially with them still just getting to know her. She completely agreed, and so I will go back with her in April. It'll be nice to meet her family, so I am not worried <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />.

AGG

AGG,

I enjoy reading your advice to others and have never posted here but the fact that she 'fell through the dating" cracks is NOT a red flag and I am glad you don't look at it as such. I have two single friends (one is a guy and one is a girl) who also fell through those cracks, mostly due to timing, which seems to be what happened with G. It seems G spent the years when most of us were getting married with the wrong guy.

I am certain that somebody is going to be marveling just like you are that my friends weren't snatched up ages ago.

Have fun.

"There can be many very good reasons why someone may reach middle age and never have married."

WAT took these words right out of my mouth. No need for me to post now.

agg, I write this knowing full well you may not read it until Tuesday given your weekend plans. YEE HA for you & G!

Too soon? I don't know...if you said you were going to elope...I'd say, yes, it's too soon. But you seem to have started things off well & you are consenting adults after all. So G brings her burlap sack & if you get too close it scratches you.

How lovely to be where you two are right now...I can't wait to be there myself. Someday in the not too distant future I hope.

Not only did I want to wish you well & tell you to enjoy each others company but to say because of this thread I just may reconsider men who have never married.

I do read the profiles of men who have never married but, in general, if there is one other little thing that makes me wonder I move on. My motivation has been to seek men who share the same experiences I have & understand the give & take of committed relationships & the sacrifices we make for kids. But I'll admit to some prejudice too. Clearly people have legitimate reasons for not marrying earlier in life that aren't due to being being overly picky, too hard to please, or some other such reason. I have a good friend who has not married due, in part, to a serious illness.

Reading this has made me open to the idea of men who have never married. Perhaps they can be involved & understanding of my kids AND desire a relationship with them. Maybe they have had enough relationship experience to know it's not all about them.

OK, another group just waitin' for the pickin'! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/blush.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/cool.gif" alt="" />

It sure does seem that way, and I am most thankful to him for not seeing what a gem she is. I certainly won't be as blind as he was <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />.

I have been asked a number of times by my dates why I haven't been "snapped up" yet, after five years of being single. My answer is always the same - I haven't found the one I wanted to be snapped up by. With G, we both seem to have found the person we both want to "snap up" and be "snapped up" by - doesn't get much better than that, does it?

AGG

You are mostly right, this is probably my last post till Tuesday, YEE HA is right <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />.


No, no plans to elope yet <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />. But yes, I do think we have things pretty well in hand. In fact, we both feel that being two grown adults with many life experiences, we are much better able to appreciate each other and the great compatibility we seem to have. This is one of the things that I really like about our match - we both seem to be able to appreciate the great foundation we have, without forgetting to enjoy the butterflies <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />. I am not sure how successful the burlap sack will be at keeping the chemistry at bay, we'll hope for the best <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/blush.gif" alt="" />.


It is lovely, and I sure hope that you find the same situation for yourself soon. It just makes all the other relationships I had in the past totally pale in comparison. Like I said, it just drives home the number one mantra for dating - do not settle.


My personal feeling is that "never married" women are typically more likely to be able to easily step into a family than "never married" men, simply due to their (usually) more nurturing nature. But I agree that it's best not to rule out a whole group of people. Heck, our most eloquent poster on EN (Just Learning) did not get married till his mid to late 30's, I believe <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />.

OK, I am off, I'll check back in on Tuesday (unless we have a huge fight and she bails early <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />).

AGG

Hope her burlap sack wasn't too scratchy AGG <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />