Agreed.
But, it seems to me, AGG is rushing (to move in...)
Am I right, AGG?


(Why do I have feeling that no-kid won't be dealbreaker for her?... <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/ooo.gif" alt="" />)

parents and non parents might work with no kids in the house. . . or, if the non parent had a good role model as a child to understand the importance of parental leadership. . . and can imitate a parental position. . .

but i would have to agree with parents and non parents with children would be a tad difficult, especially starting at 40.

AGG, tell us about G's FOO and her teenager years. . . i would like to hear her version of her life. . . i assume her parents would be a different version, of course.

the other option, and there always is another option, is that you two date while you have kids. . . and you make your dating life separate from your family life. . . until the kids are self sufficient teenagers. . .

BTW, that is what I am doing, keeping the dating life and the family life completely separate until the kids are in college when they will be independent enough to accept sharing me with someone else.. . my son voiced his agreement with that instantly. . . and they need someone around to help them understand and deal with their crazy mom that i can't involve anyone else in my life until they are in college, and on their own. . .

just another viewpoint. . . in other words, is a marriage for you necessary right now or in the near future, when waiting and dating for a long time, might work out better?

wiftty

I'm a bit pressed for time right now (kids are in showers, G driving down from work), but I'll give this a shot <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />:

weaver:


I totally would like to use this approach, but I see one problem.

Consider this possibility: we discuss the baby issue, and she agrees that she is willing to not have one (and not be resentful), because she loves our relationship that much more. And then six months or a year go by, just like you said, with us enjoying the journey... But then, I still decide that I do not want to end up with her. So now, she'll end up with no AGG and with a lower chance of having a baby, since she gave up the opportunity (and time) for me, and now I am gone. See what I mean?

I know the answer is that she is a grown woman and this is a risk one takes in dating. But, I would feel horrible if I ended up not just taking away her chance for having a baby, but then followed it up by not accepting her either. Eek.

To some extent, I think there may be a third option (crazy, I know). Maybe she is better off going off and trying to find someone to have a baby with (hopefully someone who will be crazy about her and vice versa, blah blah). If she does, great, I'll be happy for her. If not, well, if she comes back to me and is now past the realistic age of having kids, then we can try without the clock ticking or resentment. I know, this is very rosy, and there are lots of huge "ifs", but who knows.


B2M:


Heavens no! I am not rushing at all, I am pretty hard core on the one year rule. But like I said above, I don't want to keep her hanging and lose her "window" for having a baby if I don't see a future. KWIM? So I am rushing in deciding if she is NOT "it", so I could set her free; if I decide that she is, I will still take my time, without the rush. Make sense?


I share that feeling. The two follow-up questions would be: is she willing to give that up without resentment, and is she willing to give that up and take a chance that it may not work out anyway?

It's not an issue for me, because I won't have a child with her.
---

Hmm, I dunno. I still view them as habits, which is a different level than the other "vices" I saw with others, like mental illness, dishonesty, etc. So these to me are not dealbreakers; I'd say to the person "go see if you can live with this".
---

Same thing. I'd say to the person "go see if you can live with this". And then give it time to make sure it's for real.

---

Seems reasonable to me. If a compromise can be worked out, why not?

I don't think I am being obtuse here, I think it's all part of Negotiation and seeing if we can reach Acceptance.

Wiftty, I'll reply to you tomorrow, G just pulled up <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />.

AGG

... and that is exactly what I plan to be doing for next 15 years...

OK, AGG, if you really don't rush (to move in/get married, but just to know if she is 'it'), and considering my answers are the same as yours (take time (for time always tells...) and see if you can live with...), I have no worries anymore.
<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

AGG, is a part of you looking for a reason to let her go?

So many ifs in your writing.

There is so much that is simply out of your control. All you can do is talk with G about the baby issue & take her answers at face value. If a few months down the road she feels she's wasted time that's not something you can control.

It's sounding like you want absolute certainty about how one or both of you will feel in the future. That just can't be. We make choices as we go along, sometimes they are good ones, sometimes not. It's not always because we were hasty or not careful but that life takes turns & we can never know where we will be.

Be open, talk about your concerns, let the pieces fall where they may, be careful, use good judgement, it's about all you can do. These things you have control over.

I'd hate to see you talk yourself out of wanting a future with G because she may regret not having a baby or because you didn't explore whether the clutter & sleeping differences could be reconciled.

You know, wiftty, after all the FOO-dysfunctional women I met (including my ex), I actually was very pleased to find G's FOO to be very healthy. A good loving pair of parents, married 43 years, always providing for their daughters materially and emotionally. According to G, they all grew up happy and loved. She had a very good and close relationship with both parents, and still does. OK, to some small extent, the relationship now may be a bit TOO close, as she goes back to visit them cross country every two months, and spends all of her vacation time back there. But, I think that close family ties are good, and being single, she doesn't have much else here.

Anyway, bottom line is that I thought that G's family role model was excellent. Although, as I posted on Lexxxy's thread, I now see some slightly strange signs (the issue of the couple being "ahead" of the kids).

Still, overall, I like her outlook on child rearing (she is definitely bonding with my kids already), and I think that as she feels more "safe" in our relationship, she will not worry about where she is relative to the kids. It's not a contest.


Good thought, wiftty. This has definitely crossed my mind a few times, and I don't know how I feel about it. In your case, you are involved in an LDR, so that makes this "waiting and dating" much more logical. For me, it's hard to imagine telling someone local that I love them and adore them but want to just date them for the next 10 years. It is not how I am wired. Plus, I think that "dating" is way harder than being together (assuming you are with the right person, of course), because there is constant coordination, packing/unpacking, two households, etc.

In summary, I just dunno if I can do that. But I do know for sure that if things don't work out with G, I will go out and get some cats (from Allurin's thread <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/laugh.gif" alt="" />). Lower maintenance, less headaches, less cleanup <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />.

AGG

That's what we Sensor Thinkers do <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />.


Yes, I plan to start these chats next week after our vacation, and see where the chips fall. Keep your fingers crossed.

AGG

LOL!!!! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" /> You crack me up!!!! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />