Some of you may know me... I have been around for a while and am now divorced. Something occured to me today about emotional needs, emotional and physical affairs...

As you can see from my signature, my X had 3 EA's and then a PA the minute she moved out. During each EA and the PA, my EN's were shot, kaput, flushed down the toilet. This happend over a 10 year time span.

So why did I not cheat? After all, my EN's were not met... I had a couple of oppurtunites to cheat in my marraige. One was so very blatant but I did not act on it. Why did I not act on it? This woman was very beautiful, traveling with me on a conference, and nobody would have known... The reason I did not cheat, is because I loved my wife. Cheating was not on option.

I understand emotional needs - we all have them. But is not having them met really an excuse for infidelity? What about love, commitment, rational thinking??? Why did I not cheat but others do??? I am a guy and I lust for women like most men do. Somebody explain this to me because I have been racking my brain for 10 years on this!

Keith

Hi Keith,

Cann't help you on his one. I often wonder why I didn't have any A's either. My H had 7 in 10 yrs. I never put myself in any situation to have any. After all, I was MARRIED.

None of my EN's were being met, I had all the ingredients for an A. My H was in such a very bad bad bad place with himself, that he choose to do what he did. The usual excuses, didn't want to hurt me, didn't think I would find out, it's what all his mates did, just the norm,it was my fault, etc etc.

Fast forward 2 years & H is a very much changed man. Still working 12 -15 hr days, but very committed to out M & family. Realises that he was the one mostly at fault. There was nothing that bad with our M when he first started (he acknowldges this).

Now we are in a place where we have to face up to what has happened. H would love for this to go away, forget it & just move on. I think through MC he is now realising that he has to face what he did & TALK about it.

I don't think that how much I "rack" my brains about why I didn't, I'll never really know the answer except that I WAS MARRIED! Commitment,love all of the above Keith.

I'm sorry that you have divorced. How is your daughter handling this situation? It must be really hard for the children to go through. It's not their fault, but they suffer. Don't ask for it at all. Lets hope that she has a special Christmas with you. Are you having her at all?
Take care

Eyes Opened

Because your cause and opportunity has not been allowed to mature to an A like your WS' did.

We all have the opportunity t/d so. It is a choice we make to allow ourselves to have an A or not.

I personally have seen good BS' turn into shifty WS'. Worse kind....they really do know better. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/mad.gif" alt="" />

As long as you r in control of your faculties, then you can make healthy choices for yourself and your family.

Does this mean you will never become a WS? No. It means your chances of screwing up are less and you have less reason to claim ignorance.

If the situation comes up, you will find your wit and skills as a BS tested. You will also find out how much you really have control over yourself vs what you thought you had.

I know this t/b true.....been there, done that.

L.

I have had many opportunities to cheat on my STBX, but never have. However, I did cheat on my dear BF with STBX, which I guess makes ours a kind of affair marriage.

But I never did cheat on STBX, partly because I knew that I couldn't cope with the guilt again - I've never stopped feeling guilty about poor BF. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />

This summer, after STBX had betrayed and left me, I was on holiday in Spain, visiting friends. Whilst there, I had the opportunity to cheat on STBX with someone I've known a long time, and who I know cares deeply for me. I still chose not to cheat, even as sad and messed up as I was.

I've learned my lesson. The pain ain't worth it.

Alph.

It's just a choice. You CHOOSE not to cheat because you are committed to your marriage. ENs not being met is an excuse. Once you take the first step, the rest follows...

I believe that probably less than 50% of people (a lot less in my opinion) actually consciously choose to be faithful "for better or for worse". The other 50% (more likely 70%) probably don't really think about it and therefore are more at risk to be unfaithful.

Either you are faithful or you are not, faithfulness is a black and white issue. And it's a choice.

I too have had this struggle in trying to understand things. It was during my fwXW's PA (which I really was unaware of) that I took off my wedding ring and gave it to her telling her I would put in on when I had a wife. Not a single EN I have was being met. It was around that time that I also told her that I "could have an affair" that I "was lonely"..and her response was quite angry "Go ahead, stop messing with my head". I have been told I am very attractive yet I am very insecure about it. I had weight issues a few times in my life.

When we seperated many people I knew were under impression I would "date"...I would not. I still wanted to work on my M. If I had known of the MB principles I would have never moved out, but I did. I was treated like crap and was worried for my health and my boys. I was plan A'ing but would struggle every couple months and "melt down", angry, LB'ing and reversing any positive Plan A I did do. After a few month I moved back in, and she presented me legal documents for LS. I hated terms and ignored it, D papers served. After almost 2 years of he11 I finally signed papers...and once she had all papers it was up to her to file or not. When she filed with courts I considered myself divorced. A few weeks later (it takes up to 60 days for county clerk to enter into county records which in NY makes it a legal, filed D) I had a woman ask me out. I went out with her. And I then began meeting many new women. At this point my XW was FURIOUS! Whining about noticing changes in me that would be for someone else, that I was a "pig, who could not wait to screw around"...which I wasn't doing. I was lonely....she also begged me "please do not date anyone I know"...I then angrily told her that it "was not my style"...and that I already knew who she would date...(her old EA at work)....within 2 months...I was right...I never dated anyone she knew...though I could have...

I had numerous chances, her best friend agressively tried to start a PA with me...as she knew of her PA, I did not. She never told me but...she certainly wanted me..

I made a choice when I was 20 years old that I would not cheat...every girlfriend I ever had cheated. I knew how it felt and I wanted to never make someone feel that bad. There is part of me that wanted to extract revenge on my fwXW when we reconciled...but it was a fleeting moment...that was easily surpressed.

The real reason is because what people on here call an "emotional need" is not really a "need" but a PREFERENCE.
It really is that simple. This is why people become so confused, as you have. It is NOT a need. It is only a preference. We can live perfectly fine and be perfectly happy without these things called "emotional needs". It isn't possible to be a need if we can live without it. When you realize that you can pe perfectly fine with or without what people call "emotional needs", and realize that these things are only just personal preferences, then it becomes much easier to live your life when you don't have what you prefer...

well put keep...

Maslow's Heirarchy of Needs(dragged out of my old Nursing school past) is also another way of looking at "needs" but I find these to be more true than EN's which I have always held doubt about it's importance.Afterall,I didn't cheat either and also had opportunities.I agree that EN's can be important to people but at what level? Are they really just preferences? Can we really live without them and be secure and fulfilled? I think I have in at least some respects.I don't think Domestic support is a NEED,for example,as much as a desire or preference as was suggested.I could LIVE without it and I did for years.It would be an interesting discussion:

Maslow:

1)Physiological Needs
These are biological needs. They consist of needs for oxygen, food, water, and a relatively constant body temperature. They are the strongest needs because if a person were deprived of all needs, the physiological ones would come first in the person's search for satisfaction.

2) Safety Needs
When all physiological needs are satisfied and are no longer controlling thoughts and behaviors, the needs for security can become active. Adults have little awareness of their security needs except in times of emergency or periods of disorganization in the social structure (such as widespread rioting). Children often display the signs of insecurity and the need to be safe.

3) Needs of Love,Belonging and Affection
When the needs for safety and for physiological well-being are satisfied, the next class of needs for love, affection and belongingness can emerge. Maslow states that people seek to overcome feelings of loneliness and alienation. This involves both giving and receiving love, affection and the sense of belonging.

4) Needs for Esteem
When the first three classes of needs are satisfied, the needs for esteem can become dominant. These involve needs for both self-esteem and for the esteem a person gets from others. Humans have a need for a stable, firmly based, high level of self-respect, and respect from others. When these needs are satisfied, the person feels self-confident and valuable as a person in the world. When these needs are frustrated, the person feels inferior, weak, helpless and worthless.

5) Needs for Self Actualization
When all of the foregoing needs are satisfied, then and only then are the needs for self-actualization activated. Maslow describes self-actualization as a person's need to be and do that which the person was "born to do." "A musician must make music, an artist must paint, and a poet must write." These needs make themselves felt in signs of restlessness. The person feels on edge, tense, lacking something, in short, restless. If a person is hungry, unsafe, not loved or accepted, or lacking self-esteem, it is very easy to know what the person is restless about. It is not always clear what a person wants when there is a need for self-actualization.(Maybe where the WS resides??)


Orchid:


I believe this too.There comes a time when you can falter/cross that line or take the right path.I do feel like I have control over a good portion of my emotions because I do think a lot about it.I am always assessing situations and how they affect me,but further on in the future not just at the moment.It's habit now and to be honest I am not quite sure how that way of thinking came about.I do think it may stem from my nursing school days and learning how to assess patients,their fears,weaknesses,strenghts,etc just by talking and looking at them and their behaviors.You have to be able to do that very effectively to make a plan of care for them,especially if they are very ill.So,I recognize certain situations right away as being bad for me.I said before to someone else too that if it's not right for me I am not doing it,no matter how strongly I may feel against that.That is the driving force for me.

Keith,it's not so hard to understand IMO.A person is confronted daily and multiple times a day with certain paths to take(choices) and unless you are aware of what is right and wrong and consequences and not being selfish,etc,then it would be easy to throw caution to the wind and just do whatever we felt like at the moment,on a whim.It's a very foolish way to live though and one in which can cause a whole heap of pain and suffering just for that feel good moment.

O

unmet needs to do not cause affairs.

choices cause affairs.

Well put! I believe also in the maslow triangle as octobergirl put. Somewhere in the self actualization is where the want vs. the choice takes place. The want overtakes the choice to remain faithful.

And it is the choice that takes over. The free will chooses to cheat.

Bramble put it perfectly. You choose to cheat.

If we are people who understand cause and effect, we can overrride this. Even if we want to darn it!

We choose to cheat simply. If we are silly enough to say that "we could NOT help it" it says our character is weak.

That is an admission that we a)have free will and b)we chose to cheat.

You either do it or not!

my H actually said "there's this thing called free will....and i am choosing to be with OW...you can't make me stay"

at least the a$$ admits it's a choice he made

In the books I have read, somewhere along the way I read something to the effect of:
Anyone could be capable of cheating given the right circumstance/situation.....

BUT, it's a choice that we make not to, given your beliefs/convictions/commitment to our spouse.

The answer simply must be, it was a choice our spouses made. Somewhere along the line, they lost sight of the vows, or possibly themselves, and allowed another to enter in the marriage.

I have given up trying to understand. To look at my girls was reason enough to have kept a marriage together, but, he didn't see the same reasons.

Karona

Some very good answers to this post. I know I never cheated because I loved my wife, and I did take my vows seriously. But I also never cheated because I just could not imagine hurting my wife that way. I honestly would have rather had my wife beat me to near death with a baseball bat then what she did to my heart (and I am not joking).

It does come down to choices. We can choose to be committed and faithful or we can choose to take an easy way out. We can choose to be accountable for our actions or just blame our spouses for we do.

Today at church, I seen her family was there because of my son's Sunday School program. At the meal afterwards, I sat down right in the middle of her family's table. They still treat me like part of the family. My XML refered to me as her son-in-law to someone else. Unfortunately, my X did not sit at the same table as HER family and me. It really had to eat at her.

Conversely, when my X is around my family, or her old freinds, or our (well my) neighbors, she avoids them like the plague. She will not make eye contact, and just hurries along.

So how can I sit with her family, and look them all in the eye, without any hesitation while she can't even say hi to mine? I think I know the answer....

I've been attracted to three guys during our marriage. In each case, I put distance between us as soon as I recognized the attraction for what it was.

I would not wish the pain of infidelity on anyone -- the BS suffers from being set aside, and the WS suffers from violating personal integrity.

Cherished

:::::::::: But I also never cheated because I just could not imagine hurting my wife that way. I honestly would have rather had my wife beat me to near death with a baseball bat then what she did to my heart (and I am not joking).

For me, I *could* imagine, and did imagine how much it would hurt my H if I were to cheat. I also felt offended on his behalf, that I would treat him so badly. I felt he didn't deserve a cheating wife - that I would be total trash if I stooped to such underhand behavior - he was too good a person. (sure got that wrong).

I think if you have very deep feelings about honesty and integrity it makes it all the harder to be on the receiving end of infidelity. It's like our belief system has be twice violated.

AN

I, too, made that decision to never cheat. I thought very seriously about my marriage vows before & after our wedding. My H says he was also serious about our vows when we married so what happened?

I think it's based on how each of us make decisions. We met with our pastor (after I first found out), he said something very interesting that I think could answer this question about cheating. He told us that EMOTIONS SHOULD NEVER LEAD, THEY SHOULD FOLLOW. If emotions lead, we get ourselves into trouble (affairs, etc). We are to make decisions based on what God would want us to do, then allow our emotions reinforce those right decisions. Emotions are not evil unless we let them have control over our decisions. You know Satan can influence our emotions & tries to use that to lead us to sin.

I believe I make decisions based on right & wrong - not on my emotions. My H was making his decisions based on his emotions - he wasn't happy, his needs went unmet, so he went to find some happiness somewhere. I think this is the underlying key to those who cheat & those who don't is how each of us makes decisions - emotionally or intellectually!!

Integrity, Honesty, Love.

Infidelity is a choice pure & simple. For some people, EN's not being met is part of their rationalle.

I didn't cheat either despite having opportunity.

Integrity, honesty and love must be transient ...or variable. Many WSs claim they once believed they would never, never cheat. People change, time changes our resolve and wears it down - then poof! a tantalising opportunity to feel excited and alive. I'm just saying what I've learned - I find it appalling that people cash in at this point.. and grab fleeting excitment at the expense of their loved ones joy of life - but it was done to me and like everyone else here it's shattered my beliefs and dreams of a happy life with that one special person.

AN

I think that some people have a much stronger sense of entitlement than others. I know my STBX does - it was there even before he cheated, and was one of the things that frequently came between us.

Once he met his 'soulmate' and 'fell in love' it really wasn't much of a step for someone like him to become a WS.

Alph.