thinking of you today

don't know why

strong "feeling" something is going on

Pep

I have also been thinking of you lately, Alphin. Do give us an update.

tap
tap
tap

It’s been a while. Things are moving forward in my life now. I think I am at the point where I am accepting the things that I cannot change, even though this has meant some very painful experiences for me.

MIL’s parents both died within three months of each other very recently. I was unable to go to either of the funerals firstly because OW was staying with STBX at MIL’s place then and I couldn’t afford a hotel room and also because I couldn’t take the children out of school. So I was unable to pay my respects to these two dear old people whom I had known and loved for 15 years. Yet OW, who barely knew them, once again, took my place. I raged and cried about this, but finally accepted I could do nothing, and I was making myself ill, so I had to stop. Most importantly, MIL said she understood why I couldn’t be there and knew I’d be there in spirit. I really wish I could have been there for her, though.

Then, about two weeks ago, just as the kids had broken up for half term, the stress and turmoil of the past year finally took its toll on me and I was admitted to hospital with a nasty Crohns flare-up. I had been adamant with STBX that there would be no overnights at his place with OW until we were divorced, but circumstances took over. It was an emergency - I called STBX (spoke to OW for the first time!) and he came over to pick the girls up. We met at the door, he took the girls. He didn’t even ask what was wrong with me, if I was OK, if I wanted a lift to the hospital.

I was in for 5 days. The girls came to see me a couple of times, but they spent most of the time visiting MIL with STBX and OW. When the girls did come to see me, STBX and OW stood outside the ward, waiting for them to come out. I didn’t see her, but I knew she was there. I couldn’t believe that she would come up to the ward like that, what had it to do with her – why couldn’t she just stay home, stay away? Again, I had to accept, accept, accept.

The divorce will be final in a couple of weeks. I still don’t know what I am going to do afterwards. There is the possibility of someone new in my life now, someone I have known for 25 years, who says he has loved me his whole life. He wants to take care of me and the girls, and I know he is a very good person. But it’s a little too soon for that now. One step at a time!

That’s my update. It sounds a little more depressing than things actually are, I guess, because I am doing OK. I wish I were healthier. I wish that STBX and OW could show just the tiniest bit of respect and consideration for me. I wish that none of this had happened. But it has. And I do accept it.

Alphin,

you certainly have been tested and come out stand tall and strong!

I hope you can move and get away from all this soon.

Thank you, CC!

I really feel that I've started on the road to a new beginning. The D will be final any day now (tho the finances still need to be sorted out - STBX is burying his head in the sand and still hasn't provided my atty with a finanical disclosure, more than a year after first being asked for one!) <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" />

I am still not sure about moving away. I know it would be better for me, but I worry so much about my girls. After this latest flare up, I know that I need love and support more than ever. Still lots of thinking to do on this!

The marriage will be finished. That's the important thing. I will no longer have to feel angry about the girls seeing the OW, or sad that my husband is living/sleeping with another woman. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />

Alph.

Another update - one that really shocked me. STBX was supposed to have been paying CS since October. I received one small back payment in March (it takes the CSA a loooonnng time to sort the payments out) - then nothing. I assumed that I wouldn't receive any other money because I am on welfare - the CSA basically takes the money from the 'absent parent' and he pays for me to be on welfare.

I did think I ought to get something more, though - so I called them today. STBX hasn't sent any money to the CSA since October.

I am so angry. All this time, I have been 'making allowences' for him, thinking that money must be tight with all he was sending to the CSA, even though I wasn't seeing any of it! He's been telling the girls for months that he can't buy them shoes/clothes etc, that they have to ask me for these things, because he doesn't have the money. I just can't understand where it's all going.

The CSA are issuing a final demand for payment, including back payments from November. If he doesn't/can't pay, he'll end up in court. He's heading there already because my solicitor is going to have to force him to make a financial disclosure. I applied for mediation so that we could discuss the children/finances, and he refused that as well.

What can I do?

Alph.