Well, no surprise to me...woke up feeling like crud today. My logical mind knows that he is probably not the guy for me, short of a miraculous change. My heart aches! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />

I did also mention to him on the phone (which I'm sure didn't set well) that I want someone who wants to see me for me, not just for sex. He responded that we HADN'T been having sex lately. And my response: "And you haven't been seeing me either." I think he got that point.

I just wish we'd had some fights, or awful times that I could remember, that I could obsess over and make myself convinced that I don't want him. But darn it, all that comes to mind are the good memories.

And it really stinks that it is all falling apart over the holiday season because it's such a touchy time of year for me anyway.

Oh, and other news: My daughter has informed both me and my mother that once she gets this job she claims to be starting on Thursday, and gets some money saved, she's moving out. The guy she saw when she was in Salt Lake City is apparently someone more important to her than I was aware (considering she just met him in August when he was back and hadn't seen him since). She's going to totally screw up her life, but apparently he has a one-way bus ticket back to Iowa arriving January 2nd. She proposed that he stay with us. I nixed that immediately. So now she's saying that if he has to stay at her girlfriend's apartment, then SHE will also be moving out and staying there (this is even BEFORE she gets the apartment with him that she thinks she's getting).

My mom said, "You're not going to let her go, are you?". Well Mom, I could call the police and have them continue to retrieve her. I could try working with the state, but they're going to just roll their eyes at me because they have much bigger fish to fry than some girl who is legally old enough to quit school who now wants to move in with a boyfriend.

I've tried to talk reason with her, but it doesn't appear to be possible. The more I try to restrict her, the more she just shuts me out of her life.

So, things are stinkin' right now....

LL

This day has stunk beyond belief, simply because I can't get my head on straight. I'm generally not one to cry much, except at weddings, funerals, and sappy movies. But I've done nothing this evening but bawled my eyes out. I'm not coping well today with the inevitable demise of my relatinship with the guy, let's just call him "R" because I get tired of typing The Guy.

I've been trying to work on entering about three months of old receipts into Quicken today so that I can truly know how much money I have in my account, but half the receipts I grab are for things where I withdrew money for a date or are for things we did. Triggers and more triggers. I miss him so much right now, and I know it's likely I'll never see him again. And I remember driving to his place last time and thinking "what if this is the last time I do this?" and then thinking, "Nah, he wants to see me. Things will be okay. Have faith."

But having faith in this case has done the same thing that having faith that my marriage would survive did. Nothing. Everyone says, "Don't be such a doubter...have faith". And admittedly, my beliefs are strong but my faith is weak. I AM a doubter. So when I do try and take a step of faith, it's tough. And it seems each time I do, things crash anyway. I'm trying to figure out why it is that God is working to break me down.

I know I should rely on him totally. He is enough. But there are verses where it talks about strength in numbers, how one person by themselves is weak, but two or three together are strong. Well, I'm feeling mighty alone and mighty weak right now and I don't know where to reach. See, this is just one of the reasons I so desire a Christian husband. It's best when both are strong, but even when one is weak, the other can be the strength, and vice versa.

I'm missing R incredibly bad right now, because I know it's very likely I'll never see him again. It's really setting in now. And I hurt for him, because I care so much for him--it hurts me to see that he has this obsession that he has, that he can't put it aside, that it's more important than our relationship is. I want him to find happiness. He's had a messy five years. I wanted to make him happy. And all I'm doing is screwing up his life more.

And it's not like I have children around to keep my mind off things. They just add another level of frustration and sadness to things, because I have no idea what to do with my daughter and no support from her father as a parent. And being a Christian, it hurts me greatly that my son has turned totally away from God (as has my daughter, though she won't come right out and say it like he will).

And this is the worst time of year for this to happen at work as well. Being a new business, we are tight on cash and so I've been pulled off my normal responsibilities to do a lot of cash flows. Now we're at year-end and it'll soon be time for our audit, and I've had no time to prepare. And there is no one to ask for help, because everyone is busy right now. So I have to just do it somehow, and try as I may, my concentration is just gone.

I feel like this lone Christian trying to walk around in this world, being tossed around like a small boat in a storm. There is nothing to anchor me. Everywhere I turn, I get tossed again. The world doesn't understand me, and I don't understand the world. God says he will never leave us or forsake us but right now I can't feel him anywhere. I know it's me, not him.

I truly question how long I can do this without cracking. Not suicidal cracking, but just snapping and not having a clue who I am or where I am someday.

I would give anything right now to have someone who I loved and trusted just put their arms around me and hold me and tell me it will all somehow be okay, but there isn't anyone.

LL

“””Okay, found Mr. Guy. He has accepted me, past and all.”””

Uh…. I beg to differ…. If he truly accepted you he would have accepted your boundaries the first time and not continued to disrespect them for the next 3 months. If you truly accepted you he wouldn’t have once again pushed the boundaries on your last meeting. If he truly accepted you he would also accept your daughter. Sure he accepts you in bed, but that’s about as far as I see it.

“””He did call me…..he called at 10:45pm.”””

That’s kewl although most people call everyone during the day, but whatever.

“””My daughter has informed both me and my mother that once she gets this job she claims to be starting on Thursday, and gets some money saved, she's moving out.“””

Good for her…. How is she at saving money? When does she think she’ll move?

“””She proposed that he stay with us. I nixed that immediately.”””

Good for you…..

“””I've tried to talk reason with her, but it doesn't appear to be possible. The more I try to restrict her, the more she just shuts me out of her life.”””

Again, all you can do is enforce boundaries and do not enable her. You provide her with a roof, something to cover her body, and a little grub, the rest is up to her. She wants to play big girl, ensure you’re letting her play…

””"Nah, he wants to see me. Things will be okay. Have faith."””

He does want to see you but only if y’all play by his rules. This has nothing to do with faith. ((LL)) this relationship has pulled you further from God, discarded you personal/spiritual boundaries, left you a walking mess, and you’re still looking for the good in it. Those things I mentioned are not Godly things, they are wicked things not from God. God does not want you to part from Him. He does not want you to break His commandments. And He sure don’t want you miserable. So IMVHO your faith is misplaced. Faith to me would be you seeing that this relationship thing isn’t of God, ending it, and having ‘FAITH’ that He would carry you through the grieving process and having ‘FAITH’, that once healthy, that He would place someone in your life.

”””I feel like this lone Christian trying to walk around in this world, being tossed around like a small boat in a storm.”””

((LL)) That’s the walk you’ve chosen and you can choose a different path….

“””I would give anything right now to have someone who I loved and trusted just put their arms around me and hold me and tell me it will all somehow be okay, but there isn't anyone.”””

I can relate to that….. I needed that desperately at one time myself. I then climbed in the ring with GOD for a knock down drag out. It lasted about 3 hours through wheat fields and back roads of Kansas….. When I was done with my rant, His hand was upon me, I felt it…. I then began the walk back to Him. I stumbled many times along the way but made. And if I, a lone sinner can make it as it is promised, then it is there for you as well. For me it took many changes of people and places. It took pushing my comfort zones. It took willingness….. And looking back I can tell you that every step was worth it….

You won't, we've ALL felt that squeeze, some people more than once! Look who you are hanging out with here at MB's!!! What are we.....chopped liver? <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/confused.gif" alt="" />

LL, I have peeked in on your threads, unless you slow down and clean the mental cobwebs from your mind, you'll never make time to learn to be with yourself and be happy about it. You don't have time because you are way too busy with everyone else's brains.



(((((LORDS LADY)))))

You've got many "someones" right here! Iowa is due east from where I'm sitting! Trusting, physical touch, I do understand what you are saying.



Let her move out like she is planning! Sounds like the best reality check for her and she's giving it ALL to herself!

I wish I could wave a magic wand and show you my world now compared to the [email]h@ll[/email] that brought me to MB long ago. There were many times I took myself out with stinkin' thinkin'.

When I got happy with me, knew and believed in my boundaries, moved on with MY life became to be able to know what kind of man that is good for ME if there were to be one in my future! I quit trying to put a circle through a square!

I am happily remarried, three years last July!

There is life movement and happiness once your brain doesn't think like a pin ball machine anymore! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

Hi Bill! Happy 2006 to ya!

Lordslady - Hope you are feeling better today....

I want to echo [color:"blue"] LH [/color] 's statements! He always seems to hit the nail on the head (instead of hitting a person on the head, even though we sometimes need it!) His logic is right on and shows a lot of godliness. [color:"blue"] LL [/color] , please listen to what he and others are pointing out to you. Make the choice to end the relationship with Mr. Guy so you can get healed yourself.

I'm here. Work has been crazy since I walked in the door. I haven't had a chance to respond to anyone and just have a few minutes right now. I'll respond individually later.

It all seems so easy from a logic perspective, and I truly believe you guys are probably right--that this relationship shouldn't continue. And I guess in a way I'm as conflicted as R is, because I go from hoping beyond hope that it CAN work, that God can use this to work in his life, too, and that somehow miracles can happen because we have gotten along so well together and it felt so right. Then I think, logically this is crazy. He has shown selfishness and things that are not Christian. I shouldn't be with him. That should be my sign. Then I realize that I was a very willing participant for three months and was guilty of doing a lot of things that would have caused him to want me. Once we blew past the boundaries that first time (and I fully say "WE" because I didn't stop it), from then on it was just a given between the two of us that it was happening when we were together, and I did make it clear how much I enjoyed it. So he would have reason to be totally confused (not that it makes it right for him to blow past boundaries now that I have come to my senses, but I do feel that the first three months need to be overlooked.)

Okay, rambling.

So last night I was a basket case. And out of the blue R calls me and we had a nice, friendly little talk. No relationship talk particularly, but a relaxed talk in general. And when I got off the phone, I was relaxed. I know in my mind it's a bad reason to be relaxed, but it was true nevertheless. I felt calm. And I like that feeling. And I was able to go to sleep well.

Now this morning I woke with the normal shakes and jitters which I can't figure out because I wasn't even really thinking of anything (so my hypochondriac self started thinking maybe I have MS or something--okay, it all came on when this "issue" first came up, so I'm sure it's related).

On one hand I have this feeling that God is working at breaking me down, and I figure it's because I won't let R go, and I haven't 100% turned everything in my life over to his care and stepped out of control.

On the other hand, I am very weak right now, and the thought of ending things totally (never speaking again, etc) is a very frightening thought given everything that is going on in my life and my total lack of a support system. I guess I want to somehow imagine that if R and I aren't going to work out, that the relationship will just die on its own and that weaning off slowly will be less painful than an abrupt ending, because I'll forever "what if" myself...did I do the right thing.

But then again, the slow death things is painful, too.

So, I have a therapist appointment in another 20 minutes that I"m leaving for right now. I'm sure it's just like all the other "intake" appointments I've had and won't be very productive, but hopefully God will work through her and she'll be able to help me (and see me on a regular basis here for a while...on my credit card unfortunately).

I guess I'm trying to limp by in hopes that therapy will somehow help me to be stronger and get my head on straight and then it will be easier to resolve the whole relationship issue. She may disagree.

I feel like my ex when he knew he should give up the OW but he couldn't.

But more later, after therapy...

LL

Thinking of you, LL. Good luck with the counselor!

FYI, you just described pretty much every 'addict' in the world.... You got your fix, so you didn't have to deal with reality because you can't and won't deal with reality. Then this morning you woke and reality was there once again waiting for you, calling you, and tempting you to your next fix.



Why does it have to be soooooo dramatic.... Who's to say you'll never speak to him again, that's a choice not a given.



Good luck and keep one thing firmly in mind, the therapist can only work if you let her. If you give her flawed data you will get flawed results. She needs to know EVERYTHING, including sexual perversions (if you will), your entire history, etc...... Pride has no place in a therapist chair.......

counseling, . . . FINALLY. . . .

make sure that you tell her everything, no manipulative rewrites of history. . .

and make sure you tell the therapist that you are a drama queen. . . or at least that is how you write here. . .

wiftty

Personal replies, as promised...

[color:"blue"]LH, [/color]

First--my daughter: The boyfriend who she seems to be rather off and on with is arriving in town on 1/2/06. Since I nixed him staying here, she's trying to find a friend for him to stay with temporarily and maintains that wherever HE stays, SHE stays. I could call the cops and stop it but it seems pointless. It would just continue the power struggle. So I will probably do what I hate to do because I feel I've failed as a parent given where she is in life, and let her do her thing. I doubt her job that she starts Thursday will last, because she's very irresponsible and I'm guessing she'll either not show up or pop off to someone and get fired. But I may be wrong. Maybe this is the motivation she needs. Needless to say given my beliefs, knowing my 16-yr-old daughter will be basically living with a boy upsets me, but then again I know my 19-yr-old son and his girlfriend basically do the same thing. It hurts me. It's not how I taught them growing up. And with my daughter, the fear of her continuing to spiral downward 'til she ends up on drugs or basically selling herself so that she can survive is sickening. No one wants to think of that for their child, yet I know it happens. I just keep hoping that something will wake her up before she gets there.

Second - R: I admit I see more and more signs that would make me think he's not the one God wants for me. I still lack the strength to end it.


My mention of not ever hearing from him again and your statement that it's a choice...actually I thought that's what was supposed to happen (or it's what would happen, as he will move on to dating others) if he's not dating me. And if you're dating someone else, you don't talk to your old lover. So I saw it as sort of like when a marriage ends and you basically do a Plan B so that you break the addiction to them and get through the withdrawal. And I'm just not feeling strong enough to "cold turkey". Heck, I'm not even feeling strong enough or supported enough to break it off at all yet (even though it's not really "on" anymore).

I keep thinking that somehow if God would just let me ease out of it, it would be easier. Ironic, huh?! Same thing an alcoholic thinks. I know. But just like an alcoholic needs some kind of support or they can't break their habit, I guess I'm searching for that support, hoping I can find it to help me in this. I can't tell you that I promise to end things with him. I wish I could. But I'm just being honest.


And I am SO aware that my beliefs are strong but my faith is weak. And it's probably misplaced, too. It's hard to know what to have faith in and what not to. And it's very hard for me not to pick something concrete to believe in, but just to say, "God, your will be done. I have faith that whatever happens, it'll be okay." I know that's what I'm supposed to do. I just have difficulty turning over total control and trusting. It's going to be a long road for me, I feel.

As for therapy, I have no intentions of not being open and honest. It's who I am by nature. Can she help? I feel so screwed up that I'm almost unfixable. I sat and cried the entire hour at her office. We really didn't even get through her historical questions entirely.

I shared my two biggest fears right now, that I'm losing this guy I love and that I'll forever be alone, never to experience the companionship/partnership/romance/physical intimacy of a marriage ever again. She doesn't deny that it could be entirely possible. As she says, God isn't a genie who just does what we ask. And I am not at the point I'm ready to accept that yet. It was a very difficult thing to hear. She agrees that the "abstinance" philosophy is a very unpopular one today and that few people hold to it. She also was very much in agreement with me that it doesn't matter who you are or what your circumstances in life, single virgin or a divorcee, that the Bible says it's wrong outside marriage...period.

Her theory from what little she knows so far about R is that she would be concerned about his beliefs because he doesn't seem to be bothered about doing it outside marriage. She feels that a true believer, while they can fall into sin for a time, would be conflicted about what they were doing. So she said I should be worried about becoming unequally yoked. She also told me I have not dated him long enough to be thinking about marriage yet.

However, her bigger concern right now, she said, is working to build a support system of true Christian people, hopefully even those who share my circumstances of being single and struggling with the temptations I struggle with, who share my beliefs and can be my strength and can help guide me. She asked me who my support was and I had to say, I have none.

I have coworkers, I have family... but they for the most part don't share my beliefs about this issue. They are not giving me the advice I need. I have you guys, and while you are a lifeline, you are not here in town, reachable by phone or available for a visit at the drop of a hat if I need a hug or am feeling especially weak and need some spiritual support.

So she said (and I'm not lying here), don't worry right now about ending things with him, but that we will work on building the support I need so I am able to deal with whatever needs to happen in the future and don't feel totally alone. She agrees it's difficult to let something like this go if I already feel I have nothing to turn to.

But I think she sees my faith is very unsteady. After I made the mention of not wanting to see a secular counselor, and then we talked a little while, she asked if I was really sure I wanted Biblical counseling. Yes, I am VERY sure.

The bad thing. They don't take my credit card. I'm not sure how I'll afford this long-term. I guess with cash advances, so it's going to be very expensive. She doesn't have me scheduled again until next Tuesday. I wish she would see me 2 times a week here at the start.

She does truly seem to share my beliefs, she seems well grounded in hers, and she prayed for me this afternoon before I left. I just feel like this is such an uphill battle to feeling normal again.

[color:"blue"]Ragamuffin, [/color]


And like I said to LH, you guys have sometimes been about the only lifeline I feel like I have. But truly, I need support of people here, in town. When the therapist asked about my friends, I truly can say I have nobody I would consider a true good friend. I have work "friends" and stuff, but not the type of friend you can call up and say "can we talk?" or who you can go visit or ask over or just cry on their shoulder. I had a few in high school, but that was 22 years ago and in a small town 100 miles from here. They've all moved on. Once I married, I never really made any others because, well...when you're married your husband is your friend, and also because when married to an alcoholic one tends to sort of seclude themselves because it's easier than dealing with the "where's your husband tonight?" questions when accepting invitations.

So again, lots of work to do. Not even sure where to start.

[color:"blue"] Maw, Faith,
[/color]
Thanks for your concern. I'm still hanging in here.

[color:"blue"]Avondale,
[/color]
I agree, that LH makes a lot of sense and I do see his points. I just don't feel like I can do this all at once. Maybe ultimately trying to hang onto something that is probably wrong will be even more painful, maybe weaning off is worse than a cold-turkey break? I don't know. It seems stupid even to me that I can't let go. Logic says "just do it and be done already." My heart and my fears are fighting that. So for right now, I'm going to listen to the therapist because her way sounds less frightening at this second (even though I have NO idea how to make these supportive friends I need). Hopefully that's where she comes in, too.

What I need to do is somehow get to where I truly believe that God is a god of blessing and goodness for his believers and not this angry God whose desire it is to beat me down and keep me miserable and lonely.

But he doesn't guarantee that I'll ever find anyone else. That is not promised anywhere. It may be his desire that I remain without a partner for the rest of my life. And that's where I'm struggling with saying, "Okay, God, if that's your will, that's fine with me."

LL

wiftty,


Not quite sure what to make of this, so I'll just acknowledge that you took the time to post and stop there.

LL

My feelings goes out to you.

I was like you months ago. Hang it there ok.

I realise that love is unconditional and you reap what you sow.

If you really love your bf...call him and show him that. Holding back is not showing you love the person. Calling him does not mean you are invading his space as long as you DONT call him too often. And even if you do call him too often well...if he loves you then he would LOVE it.

AND if HE LOVES YOU he will respond and he will take every single one of your calls.

STOP torturing yourself by holding back what you really feel inside you.

Love and commitment goes together.

I was once like you...holding back...giving him space etc etc...dont want to be clingy desperate etc etc...until finally i realise that i was torturing myself...i was telling myself bf was not into me, i am investing too much emotionally etc etc...it was all in my head and my own selfishness acting out.

Give love LL...show it to him...what men would say NO to that...

Stop counting and stop giving 50% but give 100% of unconditional love...

Read this book "for better or for best" by Gary Smalley...its a very good book...i wish i had read it while i was doing plan A...

Take care

I hope you well...

((LL))

I'm very glad that you are taking a step by going to therapy, that is awesome. I did want to just hit on this statement real quick because we talked about this several months back. That you haven't established that relationship with any of the ladies here is a choice you've made. Heck, you have a MB'r within a few miles of your place. Some of the people here have become an integral part of my support system. Some I used to talk on the phone daily with. Some I e-mail with. And some would do whatever it took to get me that hug if I needed it as I would for them. I've built several lasting friendships. I invited a couple of our members to my wedding. I've been to sporting events with our members. I've had coffee and dinner with our members..... So it's there. And of course, for the time being if you would set up a yahoo or hotmail acct for this, I would STONGLY encourage you only to reply to and talk with the women folk. Heck, I think some of them have a Yahoo chat room set up somewhere. Then maybe when you're feet are on solid ground you could talk to some men folk.

Oh yeah, and Rags HAPPY NEW YEAR....... I suppose I'll be waiting yet another year for that truck load of Swiss Cake Rolls....... And if'n you do get down to these parts again, let me know and we'll get that cup of joe......

Hugs, Thoughts, & Prayers

Lordslady - LH is right... I made a friend here on MB - well actually two - but one has been with me from the very beginning - she lives in Michigan and I live in Massachusetts but I honestly don't know how I would have made it through most of these days without her daily email support.. and now I have met someone from New York that I also email with on a daily basis for about a year or so I actually think I was more help to her than she was to me.... Being friends on line is actually sometimes all you need to bounce things off of and get quick responses.... They may not always agree with what you are doing but I am sure they will make you feel better... Drita sounds like a wonderful person that heck was even willing to help you clean your house.... and you have not pursued that relationship.. I went to my therapist yesterday and like she told me - I do nothing for myself - I have no life outside of work and my kids.... but I also think that for me to find a man would be the wrong thing because I would put all of my energy into him - kind of like what you did... You need to stand on your own two feet and be comfortable with yourself - carve a life out for yourself by yourself... Then you can have that fulfilling relationship that you so desperately seek... This guy maybe the love of your life.. but right now you are not ready for him... You are so afraid he is gonna leave you that you are making yourself sick.... For one you are not ready for marriage - even if he was willing.... so let him go.... Love shouldn't be this hard - this soon.....

Zizzy,

Long time since I've seen you around here. Thanks for caring. But in my case, I think calling more would be a mistake. I think R and I are pretty much dead in the water at this point. I just haven't accepted it yet, and neither of us has wanted to make that formal pronouncement.

LH,

I actually have a yahoo account if I could just remember what the password is. I never check it. I use my main hotmail account, which has my name in it, so I won't post it here. And I agree, online friends can be good. But I do need someone real, here in my city, too. Someone I can call or see.

Yes, Drita does live here. And Drita, if you're reading this, please don't take offense. Not saying we can't get together. And I saw you emailed me at work--will read that when I get there. And actually, don't any of you take offense to this, but it was a comment my therapist made. I need friends who share my beliefs, especially the one about no-sex-before-marriage right now, and who are there to encourage me and to live it themselves. Those will be hard to find, but that's what I need. Strength in numbers. I'm not sure where to find them. Not at my current church, because everyone is married so while they may believe it, they're all enjoying a sex life.

Anyway, not going to make that friend today. Too much to do at work. It's gotten crazy, which is very bad timing, because I feel like the walls are all falling down around me and I don't have the energy to keep up, and there's no one to help me. Along with fearing that I'll be alone forever, fearing that my daughter is beyond hope, I now also fear I could screw up and lose my job. That'd pretty much be the icing on the cake. I push myself to my limits right now, but it's not enough. I need to be at 150% and I'm not there. If anyone has ever experienced true clinical depression, they know what I'm talking about. It takes a lot of effort sometimes to get out of bed when every day is cloudy and murky and I feel icky. To be able to keep my focus at work and to have the energy to push into the evening (8-9pm at night) pretty much on a daily basis (which then means nothing is getting done at home--it's now a complete wreck with both kids here)--I do have days where I feel like just throwing up my hands and saying, "I can't do this!".

But what am I going to do? What are my other options. There are none. Nobody is going to bail me out, no one at church has come forward to support or help me. So I keep doing what I'm doing. My favorite part of my day is when I get to flop down in bed at night and sleep and shut it all out for a while. But last night both kids were up until almost 3am, the dogs didn't want to sleep, and I had insomnia. So that didn't even work so hot which is why I'm running late this morning.

Maw,

Like I said to Zizzy, I truly feel that things with R are pretty much done. There's been no more mention of seeing him on NY Eve Day. He calls me or I call him, but our conversations are very "friendly"...just the stuff about our days mostly. We don't talk about "us". We don't talk about plans to see each other. We don't talk about anything like that.

Feelings, I realize, are not realiable, and I wish I could slow mine down. But I "feel" like he's just sort of pulling away emotionally, and neither one of us want to actually be the bad guy and let it go.

And no, I'm not ready yet. Last night I felt better--felt like maybe I'd be okay without him. This morning I woke and some things triggered memories and I wanted to be with him so bad again. I'm up; I'm down. I hate it.

And on one hand it's great having both kids around right now becuase there is activity in the house. There are noises. It's not dead silent and lonely when they're here (though it's a complete disaster!). But then I listen to my daughter and her friend last night and her voice with all it's obscenities was carrying through the bedroom door, and my heart starts breaking over her and what she's done with her life.

I feel like I'll never wake up and feel "normal" or at peace ever again. This time seems to be dragging on a long time, despite my being back on A/D's. What if I live the rest of my life with depression? What if it never goes away? Depressed people don't exactly attract oodles of friends, which just makes this whole "friend" thing an uphill battle. I have to act happy when inside I feel like someone is sticking a knife in my stomach pretty much all the time.

And then of course there's just that whole deal about being alone forever. I have to come to terms with that. It could very easily be reality. And it's scaring the you-know-what out of me. It's one of the first thoughts that pop into my mind each morning. Even if I somehow carve out a life for myself and am then ready to share it with a man, everyone (friends, coworkers, family, therapist, and several of you on here--GDP excepted) has pretty much admitted it will be a challenge for me to find someone today who will agree to my beliefs.

So I'm trying to get through this present funk by having hope for my future, but it still feels rather bleak.

And while I know mentally that God only wants the best for me, my heart right now feels like I'm really being tested and I don't know why.

LL

You'll get thru this LL and even if you can't believe that right now, we'll believe for you. Once the A/D's kick in, and you get a few more therapy sessions in, you'll feel the difference. I already see the beginnings of acceptance from you and you are easing out of panic mode somewhat. Those are all good signs.

I can relate to your feelings of missing your BF. It's been 2 1/2 mo's for me and I still miss him. That's been the hardest part--missing him, missing what we shared, just having him in my life, but it is getting better, so hang in there, ok? We're all here for you.

Hugs
DW

Just a couple of quick thoughts here.....


It takes all of 5 minutes to set up a new account. And those friendships can blossom into the type that move from board to e-mail to phone calls etc.... If I were you, I would not discount that one bit because I wouldn't trade my MB buddies for anything. As far as the church thing, I can relate to that. I was a member of an 'OLD' congregation in a small town where I was also a Lay Speaker, doing sermons once a month or every other month. When my life needed change, that needed change as well. I tried out a couple different churches and found one that fit like a glove. The hardest step was the first one and that was just doing it.


I have a little different belief and that is that you're being tempted rather than tested. I think I've recommended it before but I'll do it again, pick up "Screwtape Letters" by C.S. Lewis. Read through it twice. The first time, read through it just like you would any other book. The second time, read through it looking for similarities of how it could relate to your life. It's a real eye opener and helped me grow closer to God......

Lordslady.. OK for one thing you can have more than one Yahoo account and two they can email you your password...Stop making up excuses... and not everyone is the same or shares the same beliefs - so that is a lame excuse as to not taking Drita up on her offer of help or companionship..... Really you sound to sum it up pretty pathetic - and I actually think you like the woe is me... I mean really - I haven't dated in four years - my exhusband sleeps with the lady next door - I work two jobs to keep my kids in their house - I have absolutely no freetime what so ever - but even on a bad day - I do not feel as sorry for myself as you do... I don't wallow in my self pity.. I am not happy but you know what - I just keep going along... I don't worry about my beliefs or what other people think or where I will be in five years - I live day to day and try to find one thing positive about the day.... Never does it cross my mind that I will be alone forever... But you dwell on it and dwell on it.. You are worried that your daughter swears and has fowl language - I would be more worried that she is 16 and a minor and probably sleeping with some guy that is older... Call the cops on him - have him arrested... Do something - do anything - But for god sake stop feeling so sorry for yourself - No one is gonna want to be hanging around with someone who is so down on themselves and the what ifs that life has to offer... And Drita I wish you were my neighbor because I for one could use a friend that wanted to make me feel better even if she didn't have the same beliefs that I have.... Really Lordslady - enough is enough....